Posts tagged ‘Ohio’

There’s a bat in that belfry

I didn’t even have to read the story.

I knew Jim Bartek was a raging kookleberry before the third paragraph.
Actually, I knew it as soon as I read the [most ridiculously long] headline:
Jim ‘Nostradamus’ Bartek of Maple Heights has listened to a Judas Priest album 391 straight days

Yup. Coudda Shoudda stopped right there!
Live and learn, right?

See, the kookles took hold of Jim’s soul last June when English heavy metal pioneer Judas Priest released its gomillionumpteenth album “Nostradamus.”  They dedicated the album to the 16th-century seer who is credited with prophesying cataclysmic events, but the screaching, scratching voices in Jim’s head were all eatitLiveItBREATHEIT!!!!!!

There should be a law requiring dictionaries to include a high-resolution image of Jim’s bonkerwonkey eyes right there next to the word ‘cataclysmic’ because listening to the same shit on a year-long loop is about as batshit crazy as a bitch can get!

I mean, hellooooo??? There is a reason repetitive music and sound are time-honored torture techniques.

“Heavy metallers are a little out there,” explains Ohio heavy metal DJ Bill Peters. “But listening to the same album every day? Even crazier, a double album?”


But then I knew that just by reading the headline as well …


July 15, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Dumb Bitch of the Day

 Some dumb bitch in Ohio is in hot water for breast-feeding her child and talking on the phone while driving.

No — she’s not a dumb bitch because she was breast-feeding. I’m not even going to get into that argument, it’s so 1994! Breast-feeding is a beautifully wonderfully natural enterprise that I wholly support.

And no — she’s not a dumb bitch because she was on her cellphone. It’s a necessary and totally rewarding endeavor that I wholly support.
** Unless she wasn’t using a Bluetooth earpiece while driving. If she was holding that shit up to one ear — then, yes, she is a dumb bitch for being on her cellphone. **

This idiot is a dumb bitch because she thinks it’s ok to do feed and chat, in tandem, while steering her mom-mobile through morning traffic.

And she earns dumb fucking bitch honors because she doesn’t care that her own child’s safety is the reason there is a LAW requiring drivers to put childern under four years old or under 40 pounds in a safety seat.

“When my baby wants to eat, she wants to eat and I’m not gonna listen to that all across town to Kettering and back everyday,” Genine Compton said.

So you’re annoyed by the sound of your own baby?
Uh huh – s’cool and all — but instead of going full retard on the expressway, how about the really renegade move of pulling the fuck OVER!!!

Don’t get all militant la leche league pissypants on me, because I don’t
gives a rats ass if you breast feed your brat in public. 

Go for it!
Whip that bad boob out and go to town for all I care …

… just don’t do it on the way to town, which is exactly what she did.

Police were alerted to the situation when a passing motorist called to report the multitasker, saying “I tried to say something to her. She literally has the little girl on the steering wheel and I said, ‘I can’t believe you have that kid in your lap and she said, ‘You want to pop your titty out and breastfeed this kid?’ That’s what she said to me. I’m like, ‘You can feed your kid when you stop.’ It’s, like, wet out here. It’s full of traffic. It’s ridiculous. She’s got, like, three other kids in the car.” 

“Our issue is not the fact that this woman was breast-feeding in public,” Kettering Officer Michael Burke said, adding the dumb bitch would have been charged even if the child was just sitting on her lap.

“Our issue is that she created the condition that placed her child’s health and safety at risk.”

Only she’s too much of a dumb bitch to give a shit.

So be alert, Ohioans!

In order to avoid her next ticket, this dumb bitch just may put one of her other little dickens in the driver’s seat!



March 2, 2009 at 6:13 pm 11 comments

In His name?

No NO NO!!!
That is not how you do it, you sick fuckuva twisted wackjob!
:::  … which would normally be a tag of glory but, in this case, it means you’ve summited Mt. Dumbass — plant your flag, moron! :::

Time was a barbecue sandwich and some juice after Sunday school was all it took to lure the faithful … I guess we’re doin’ it differently these days

Ugh … cue the crazy …

troy_ian_brisport_20090215174926_320_240Johnny Law over in Ohio has charged God’s little soldier, Troy Brisport, ——>
with kidnapping, ransom/sheild hostage and felonious assault for handcuffing some poor bitch, gagging her, stripping her naked then dressing her up in …
::: Nooo — it’s not that kind of story!!! :::

… dressing her up in an adult diaper while he …
::: nuh uh … not that kind either :::

… while he read Bible passages to her … for four tragically theologified days!
From the Book of Retard 8:38-19:
“For He is convinced that only an emergency dispatcher will be able to separate the supposed sinner from the sick fuckery being done in His name
at the Tamarack Creek Apartments.”

Police say the 13th Apostle picked up his victim Wednesday night in Detroit and drove her to his apartment after she told him she had nowhere to stay.

The Master’s messenger must give one sorryass sermon because, at some point, the kidnapee fell asleep, which is when the kidnapper did as the shreiking voices in his head his Lord and Savior instructed and put his prey on hardcore house arrest!
::: Who’s a kinky Christian?!? Whooooz a kinky Christian?!?  YOU are!!! :::

Rev. Gotitwrong apparently also tried – several times – to suffocate his disinclined disciple using a pillow and blanket.
::: … the power of Christ compelled him … :::

I guess giving his testimony must just be, like, way harder and stuff these days because, after all that work, Troy The Thickheaded got a major case of the sleepies and went all nite-nite.

“And the sufferer broke 20 kinds of free and ran walked stumbled into the sun light parking lot to call 9-1-1 … and it was good.” Morons 25:36-27

Have fun ministering in County, dickweed!


February 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm 17 comments

That’s the spirit!

Guess what!?!

Mexico has a soccer team!
::: ooooooo :::

And so does the U.S.!! 
::: ahhhh :::

And the teams are getting ready to do all sorts of high-level adversarial teamish soccery things tomorrow in the FIFA Cup World Qualifier being held in Columbus, Ohio!!!
::: uh huh :::

And do you know what else?!?
The only reason I can scrape together an ounce of giveashit about this crap is because the Pro Bowl is over, meaning no REAL football to be had for several sad, Sad, OHMYGODTHISISSOSAD months!
::: frealz, y’all – serious frowny face :::

Aaaaanyslownewsdaysothisiswhatyouget, when it comes to beating Americans in America, Mexico has apparently been about as successful as Amy Winehouse with sobriety … and showering … and sophisti — well, you get the picture.

Those bitches haven’t won a match on U.S. soil since the last time Cher had a No. 1 hit!

Soooo, in an effort to give their team a little boost heading into the big game, Mexico’s ‘Record’ newspaper tried to team up with US-based RadioShack for a feel-good campaign.

The promotion called for fans to send flowers, messages of inspiration and truckloads of positive thoughts to the Team Mexico and then pray and hope for the best.

Just kidding!

The idea was for Mexican soccer supporters to trade in coupons for their very own U.S. soccer player voodoo dolls so they could  release their inner Dick Cheney and get their Guantanamo on!
::: … little pricks … :::

“… without any doubt, this little doll can help the good vibes of the Mexican fans to change the history of Mexico and turn things around,” said newspaper spokesman Daniel Paz.

‘Cept when RadioShack heard ‘voodoo’ they also heard ‘potential boycott’ and brought a big ‘hell naw’ on the ol’ hocus-pocus, evil-eye juju.

Promotion FAIL?

Where there’s a Blockbuster, there’s a way!!
::: … a way, that is,  to make a little coin while poking all innocent-good-natured-we-don’t-mean -anything-by-it-hey-no-offense -it-wasn’t-our-idea-anyway fun at the team representing your country in a sport you may not care about but they’re still repping your roots … a-holes … :::

Anyone in possession of the paper’s coupons can trot themselves down to a Mexican Blockbuster store and get themselves an authentic U.S.-company sponsored U.S. Soccer Team voodoo doll, which comes complete with a jersey featuring the oh-so amusing and only slightly pejorative term ‘Gringos’ on the back as well as instructions directing fans to “hold a needle firmly between your thmb and index finger and prick slowly the part of the doll where you want to affect the opponent”. 



Go Team?

February 10, 2009 at 6:24 pm 14 comments

Good for them!

A bunch of city workers is the wee Ohio town of Piqua won a multi-state, multi-million dollar lottery overnight.
::: Let’s hear it for the nouveau riche!!! :::

artohiolotterywdtnFourteen fine folks claimed the $207 million, 12-state prize from a ticket they bought at the local Kroger grocery store.
::: Life change on aisle three! ::: 

“I’m going to set my mom and dad up for life,” said Loyal Davis, who bought the ticket and got to have the unique pleasure of telling his co-workers they were all now millionaires.

The youngest of the group is a 30-year-old who’s been on the job just two months said he’s still in shock [understandably] and doesn’t have Clue One about what he’ll do with the loot — beyond helping his father retire.

“Right now, I’m in shock and surprised, and I don’t know what it really means to me right now,” he said. “It can change all my family’s lives, and it means a lot,” he said.

Take a bow moms and dads — you raised these two right!


December 18, 2008 at 11:26 am 2 comments

Yes, Virginia …

There’s Santa … and then there’s Santa.

One is good for little more than scaring the bejeezus out of your offspring, which is hella fun to watch and all but if you didn’t bring a change of pants for your progeny then you’re probably in for a pretty shitty afternoon.

secret-santaThe other type is a bit harder to spot but an encounter with one is much more fulfilling. [That’s the ‘who’]

These ‘secret Santas’ get their mitzvah on by doing what others don’t, won’t or, well, just can’t.
They give.
And they give big.
::: Mazal, mazal,  y’all! ::: 

A couple of them recently doled out $20,000 in $100 bills to folks in Illinois, Kansas and Missouri. [That’s the ‘what’ ‘when’ and ‘where’]

“The only condition,” the Missouri angel said , “is that you do something nice for someone. Pass it on.”
::: Listen UP, greedy bankers, AIG bastards and other beggars hoarding bailout bucks meant to help the masses!  ::: 

The Kansas Santa was a protégé of famous Kansas City undercover gift giver, Larry Stewart, who died of cancer nearly two years ago.

Stewart roamed city streets each December handing out hundred-dollar bills to anyone who looked like they might need a lift.

His legacy lives on … and it’s a good great thing because, let’s face it –  recipients will not be hard to find in this New Great Depression.

[… and the ‘why’?]
“It’s not about the man, it’s not about the money, it’s about the message,” Kansas Santa said.

“Anyone can be a secret Santa with a kind word, gesture, a helping hand.” 

[I get it — ‘why not’]
And so, if you’ll excuse me …

December 7, 2008 at 3:12 pm 11 comments

How To: Kill Fatty

 Richard Cooey is a loser lardbutt waste of human space retarded idiot scatwad.

I’m not spreadin’ rumors or anything!

He admits it – and so do his lawyers!
::: Well, the lardbutt part at least – the rest is a well-founded editorial opinion :::

Cooey’s the assface you see here:

While sitting on Ohio’s Death Row for the 1986 rape and murder of two women, Cooey has surmised that he is too much of a blubberhead to have that pesky little death sentence thingy carried out — and he got all suey about it just in case people weren’t listening.

His lawyers filed suit in federal court arguing that the murdering rapist they represent had poor veins when he faced execution five years ago and the problem has gotten worse as their murdering rapist client has packed on the pounds. They also say prison officials have had difficulty drawing blood from the murdering rapist they represent.
::: my heart bleeds 4 u, murdering rapist!!! :::

Attorneys for the big fat murdering rapist also say a drug their rapist-murderer fat fuck of a client takes for migraine headaches could affect the execution process.
::: if only :::
And a physician hired by the Ohio Public Defender’s Office said Cooey’s fatassness, combined with the potential drug resistance, increases the risk he would not be properly anesthetized.
::: I got a cure for that … Zzzzzzttt! :::

This story puts me in mind of the time I took my first steer to the packing plant for processing.

I’d said my (extremely tearful) goodbyes to Sir Loin at P&B MeatPacking and was walking toward the office when I heard about 4 quick squeals that were quite obvously not from delight.

Just then, a stubby guy in a bloody apron burst through a set of swinging doors.
Making a beeline for the back wall, he was muttering a healthy string of obsenities juuuust audible enough for an 11-year-old girl to memorize.

I giggled.
He stopped.
He turned around.
I swallowed my gum.
He grinned.

Then he spat on the floor, turned back toward the wall, reached up, grabbed a shotgun mounted above a homemade ‘Cash Only’ sign and disappeared back through the swinging doors.

Seconds later I heard *chhkkk chkkk* pump.
Then a blast.
Then silence.

That’s how they have to do it sometimes when the charge can’t make it through the pig’s fat.

I’m thinking a shotgun shell might be the perfect solution for the fatass murdering rapist asshole pig on Ohio’s death row who thinks he is just too much for the quiet chemicals of lethal injection.

Worth a shot, right?

August 5, 2008 at 5:57 pm 1 comment

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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