Posts tagged ‘newspaper’

… don’t get fooled again?


flyingpigWith all the airborne people movers suckin’ up space in the Hudson, lame mea culpas from outgoing presidunces and the upcoming coronation of the Glorious Sunshine King of Hope – you may not have noticed that some shit actually kinda got done on the Hill yesterday.

Votes cast, approvals made, limits approved, Republicans whined … OMG! I get misty just thinking about it!!! 

happymoneyI mean, ok, so yeah – Uncle Sam is about to cross the t’s and dot the i’s on another taxpayer-funded Bank of America welfare check.

A $20 billion welfare check Senators said ‘sure sure, ok’ to when they voted to release the last $350 billion in financial-rescue funds from the way popular Troubled Asset Relief Program rammed up America’s ass enacted last year.

Oh, but don’t worry there citizen!
I know the banks are all ‘gimme gimme gimme but I ain’t giving YOU shit!’ and ‘Fuck you Mr. Taxpayer‘ and everything — but it’s cool.
It’s good.
It’s aaalllll gonna be ok!

Why?
Because the karmic winds of change are blowing, silly! And soon we will all bathe in shimmery golden droplets of everlasting heavenly promise.

It’s true!
It’s all part of my boyfriend‘s massive stimulus package  … and there’s even a little something for Joe Sixpack over there, standing in the breadline on Mainstreet!
::: Umm, but don’t get carried away, Joe — this ain’t the Taxpayer Lotto. Bank of America won that in the first go round … :::

cryinggopInstead of doing the historically Republican thing and stamping their feet and executing a kindergarten-esque crying jag on the steps of Congress, Transition Teamers took a different path and borrowed a page from the ‘Working Together’ playbook the big kids use.
::: UNPRECEDENTED!!! :::

O’Baby’s top money dude, Lawrence Summers, totally pinky swore they’re gonna use $50 billion to $100 billion for “a sweeping effort to address the foreclosure crisis.”
::: … that’s your cut, Joe… :::

And we have Summers’ word of honor that they’re taking the  freebie, no strings, all-you-can-get dish off the menu at the bailout buffet.
::: NEATO! :::

THIS TIME there are gonna be some black-leather-biker-bar-tough oversights and tracking and accountability and all kiiinds of conscientious-sounding words to show the mega-seriosity surrounding how the money is used!
::: *sniff* I’m not sure but that smells like change I can believe in! SPIFFERIFIC!!! :::

But wait! There’s more!
The powers that are about to be are totally gonna get all restrictiony about executive pay at firms that receive help … this time.
::: Frealz? I’m fragile … don’t toy with me! :::

“I know this wasn’t an easy vote because of the frustration so many of us share about how the first half of this plan was implemented,” O’Beautiful said as he beamed approval from a cloudless sky.
“Now my pledge is to change the way this plan is implemented and keep faith with the American taxpayer.”
::: I’m gonna hold you to it, hot stuff!! :::

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” – Dumbya

January 16, 2009 at 6:52 pm 3 comments

Slapped in the face by OBVIOUS


snapshot-2009-01-06-19-17-45Fresh off my most excellent SITE OF THE WEEK super-mega-ultra glue-sniffing endorphine high – I went running, y’all!!
::: … when the bottle’s empty and you’re out of sniffy snax there’s not much else to do except crank out some junk miles … :::

Sweating out the Stoli toxins was just what I needed to clear the mental clutter before my daily ritual of hyper-caffeinated newsiferous updatification!

* ) Some dumb bitch is suing ‘cuz another dumb bitch called her a skank
::: if it walks like a skank and talks like a skank … :::

* ) Crappy schools in Georgia are asking teachers to return their equally crappy ‘raises’
::: … because the children are our future … :::

* ) Hospital leaves part of knife in woman’s head
::: Now THERE’$ your law$uit!! :::

* ) Study: Exercise Won’t Cure Obesity
::: OMG! OMG! DUH OVERLOAD!!!!!… :::

Seems some Loyola University doodooheads suffering from a severe case of Publish or Perish Fever felt their wisest course of action would be to retread the already very, very, very, very, VERY well-trodden ground of  investigatory weight-loss researchification.
::: Ten-Yur! Ten-Yur! :::

And what, pray tell, were the shocktastically shockingly shockworthy findings of this groundbreakingly original investigation???

“Evidence is beginning to accumulate that dietary intake may be more important than energy expenditure level. Weight loss is not likely to happen without dietary restraint,” said a Loyola nutritionist who really needs to leave the Ivory Tower and mingle with the masses every now and then.

WILL HUNTING MOMENT OF TROOOTH!!!

Ya wasted a year an’ dropped two-hundred grand on a fuckin’ study ya coulda got for a dollah meal deal at fuckin’ McDahnolds, bitch!

January 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm 10 comments

He really IS everywhere!


I know you can have Christ between your thighs.
I’ve heard of finding The Chosen One at the bottom of a bottle of Cuervo.
I can’t imagine a touchdown without a JC shoutout in the endzone!
He’s even the headliner at murder trials, parole hearings and bond negotiations nationwide!

… but finding Jesus on the floor???

Well, let’s just say that  shocks me to my very sole.

jesustile1But Antonia Baker —–>
says she first saw the messiah in the floor of her Nevada home
three years ago during …
::: … wait for it :::

… the Christmas season
::: OF COURSE!!! :::

… while she was recovering from surgery for
::: … wait for it :::

an EYE injury!
::: mmm hmmm! :::

jesustileHer doctors told her to keep her head down because it would allow her retina to heal.
She wasn’t allowed to read or use the computer, so she spent three solid weeks STARING AT THE FLOOR!
::: no word on who told her to install the fug faux-marble tiles or keep a piano in her cupboard, but whatever … bitch saw Christ, ‘kay? ::

That’s the actual tile up there – where you can spot the Son of God for your very own self!!!

Now, me? Am I surprised to hear that Jesus jumps out at geriatrics who eyeball their floor for 21 days?
HELL NO!
*oops, sorry Jesus!!*
GOSH NO!

I once stared at a piece of screening spline so long that I swear it wiggled one end, sprouted a pair of googly eyes and winked at me before running away screaming something about evil Jell-O.

No shit! It ran away, which, as you know is pretty fucking remarkable seeing as how screening spline doesn’t have any legs!

… ahh post-surgery Percodan …

SOURCE
Photos: Antonia Baker

January 2, 2009 at 10:11 pm 10 comments

Eliot Spitzer: Working Stiff


Today is the dawn of an awesome new day for former New York Governor,  Hall of Fame Whoremonger and all around manslut Eliot Spitzer.

The Luv Gov is straight up gettin’ paid, y’all!

No, he didn’t write a tell-all; he isn’t wranglin’ ho’s down at the Bunny Ranch and he’s not designing a line of creatively comfortable bondage briefs … yet.

Starting today, Spitz will be hard at work pimping his thoughts on government, regulation and finance for a bi-weekly column on Slate.com.
::: I wonder who gets to massage that copy!?! :::

“It’ll be heavily about the financial crisis and fixing financial markets and the economy generally,” confirmed Jacob Weisberg, editor-in-chief of the Slate Group.
::: Hey – maybe it’ll be good. I mean, if there’s one thing Spitz knows it’s how to appropriate funds! :::

The idea for the column – called ‘The Best Policy’ – came after Slate honchos spied a tasty Op-Ed piece Mistah Luvah wrote last month for The Washington Post that stimulated a deep desire for the hot slut in a big ol’ way.

“We called him about writing for us,” said Weisberg, who admitted the pub and the gub had themselves a quickie right then and there.

“It was not an epic negotiation. He was very receptive to the idea.”

And, you know, I just don’t doubt it at all.
I’ve heard he likes to receive …

Keep it between the margins, El!

December 4, 2008 at 2:51 pm 7 comments

I have probs


The Sunday New York Times‘ lede story was about widespread protests after an American missile attack in Pakistan killed a pro-Al-Qaeda British militant — which is all serious and newsy and exactly what you expect from the venerable Gray Lady and so I settled into a deep chair, coffee at the ready, completely prepared for a squinty-eyed, pressed-lipped, totally contemplative read.

Then I saw the lede photo:
23rauf-600

And all I could think of after that was:

TOUCHDOWWWWNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

… ahh Sundays …

Photo: Muhammad Iqbal/Associated Press

November 24, 2008 at 11:35 am 1 comment

Wait. What?


sentinelwhat

Mah brain’s gettin’ a confusion contusion!
Glad I voted early!

… stay tuned …

November 4, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Prognostications from the Post


The Denver Post endorsed Barry but called the election for Big Mac — four days ago.

According to the eagle eyes at Denver’s Westword blogs, “On Saturday night, November 1, a reader visiting the paper’s election-data site, DenverElections.com, discovered that partial results in a slew of races had already been published — and they remained in place the next day. (As of this hour, they no longer appear.)”

Umm, like woopsie and stuff?

In all likelihood, the figures were the outcome of a test of the Post’s post-vote technologies and not meant for human consumption.

Ahh fuckup – the key ingredient in Snafu.

… stay tuned for more electionigination yumminess …

SOURCE

November 4, 2008 at 1:43 pm

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