Posts tagged ‘newspaper’

In Bay City it’s pay up … or DIE!


Hey — way to go, Bay City, Michigan Utility Nazis!

Your black-hearted money grubbery at the pinnacle of this New Great Depression now has a body count!

93-year-old Marvin E. Schur died “a slow, painful death” after he fucking FROZE TO DEATH inside his own home — mere days after you limited his use of electricity.

Bay City’s Manager, Robert Belleman said the the city didn’t do anything wrong because the nearly century old human being owed Bay City Electric Light & Power more than $1,000. So, see? They were forced — FORCED I tell you – to freeze him the fuck OUT!

baycitymichNow, $1,000 in unpaid bills is a lot, I’ll grant you. But at some point during the accrual process wouldn’t you think there’d have been a phone call or, ooo I know – a visit to Mr. Schur’s home to check the sitch???
I mean that would have been easy considering his house is only ONE GODDAMNED MILE FROM THE GODDAMNED UTILITY OFFICE!!!!

Uh huh — a proactive approach — what about it fellas?? Ever think of that???

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Umm, yeah — looks like a big cuppa negatory on that one!

And it’s too bad, because, according to their website, at the close of 2008, Bay City Electric, Light & Power owned and operated utility assets of $64 million with total annual revenues of approximately $25.6 million.

Buuuut, instead of tapping their own admittedly robust resources in fine mistzvah fashion …
or getting really radical and working out some sort of payment plan …
or doing the unthinkable and asking for donations to help the poor old man …
OR – oh hell, just making the smallest of efforts to go that extra smidge and contact folks who, like, help needy elderly people??? (… like, oh I dunno – say, the ones on the list of ‘Agencies and Organizations Providing Emergency Help’ that’s fucking LISTED ON THEIR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE!!! ACK!!!)
Ohhhh no.

Instead of foolin’ with of any of that shit – the Bay City bastards did things another way.

The greedysonofabitchfuckingheartlessasshole way.

They installed a “limiter” device to restrict the use of electricity at the old man’s home

… in the middle of WINTER …

… in MICHIGAN!

The nifty little device limits the power coming into a home and, as an added bonus,  blows out like a fuse if consumption rises past a set level.

But the best part?
The power doesn’t get restored until the device is reset.

Belleman said city workers keep the limiter on houses for 10 days, then shut off power entirely if the homeowner hasn’t paid utility bills or arranged to do so.

But they didn’t have to do that in Marvin Schur’s case.

NOSIREEEE!!!!
It only took them four days to kill him, instead of the policy-mandated 10.

See, somehow, the limiter was tripped sometime between the January 13  installation and the January 17 discovery of his frozen deadness.

At the time his poor neighbors found him, the temperature inside his house was below 32 degrees and ice had formed in the kitchen and on the inside of his windows.

“It’s not easy to die from hypothermia without first realizing your fingers and toes feel like they’re burning,” said Kanu Virani, Oakland County’s deputy chief medical examiner, who performed the autopsy.

Ever the PR machine, Belleman was quick to lay blame smack DAB where you’d expect: On the neighbors!!

“I’ve said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors,” he alibied. “When they think there’s something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department.”

Stay classy Bay City … stay classy

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ACK!!!!!

January 27, 2009 at 2:33 pm 34 comments

Hillbilly Hicksquad 1 – Wascally Wabbits 0


A report of gunfire within city limits sends the police running to a wooded area near Titusville, Alabama.
::: Oooo gunfire — that sounds SERIOUS!! ::: 

“We saw four males and they started running,” said South Precinct Sgt. Gary Clark
::: Evasion tactics! WOW!!! :::

“When we caught them, they had a shotgun and bag full of rabbits.” 
::: … a bag fulla… uhh, whuh?!? :::

Oh sure, it’s against the law to fire a gun within the city limits and all and I’m sure the folks living in that neighborhood had nooooo problem whatsoever with the moonlight morons ‘cuz the kindly poeleece mayun said the bunny blasters didn’t know they were breaking the little ol’ law by gettin their Elmer Fudd on — so no harm no foul, right?!?
::: uhh, technically … I guess? ::: 

“It was tense for a moment because we didn’t know what we had,” he  said. “… it was a good thing that they weren’t shooting somebody.” 
::: HAHAHAHA — you said it, Sarge! Can you imagine?!? A bag full of … oh I dunno, dead baby or something?!? HAHAHA – good thing indeed!!! ::: 

One man had an outstanding warrant and *SHOCK* was taken into custody – but the others were allowed to leave and take their bag full of dead bunny on home.
::: Sumpin’ fer thuh missus, Yee-HAW!!! ::: 

“Country boys — that’s all they were,”  the kindly poeleece mayun said.
::: prolly MY dumbass rellies ::: 

I guess we have to assume the good ol’ boys had a good ol’ hunting license and didn’t go over their good ol’ kill limit of 8 … eh, whatevs – season ends February 28, boys — better git ta gittin’!!

January 25, 2009 at 8:23 pm 15 comments

… don’t get fooled again?


flyingpigWith all the airborne people movers suckin’ up space in the Hudson, lame mea culpas from outgoing presidunces and the upcoming coronation of the Glorious Sunshine King of Hope – you may not have noticed that some shit actually kinda got done on the Hill yesterday.

Votes cast, approvals made, limits approved, Republicans whined … OMG! I get misty just thinking about it!!! 

happymoneyI mean, ok, so yeah – Uncle Sam is about to cross the t’s and dot the i’s on another taxpayer-funded Bank of America welfare check.

A $20 billion welfare check Senators said ‘sure sure, ok’ to when they voted to release the last $350 billion in financial-rescue funds from the way popular Troubled Asset Relief Program rammed up America’s ass enacted last year.

Oh, but don’t worry there citizen!
I know the banks are all ‘gimme gimme gimme but I ain’t giving YOU shit!’ and ‘Fuck you Mr. Taxpayer‘ and everything — but it’s cool.
It’s good.
It’s aaalllll gonna be ok!

Why?
Because the karmic winds of change are blowing, silly! And soon we will all bathe in shimmery golden droplets of everlasting heavenly promise.

It’s true!
It’s all part of my boyfriend‘s massive stimulus package  … and there’s even a little something for Joe Sixpack over there, standing in the breadline on Mainstreet!
::: Umm, but don’t get carried away, Joe — this ain’t the Taxpayer Lotto. Bank of America won that in the first go round … :::

cryinggopInstead of doing the historically Republican thing and stamping their feet and executing a kindergarten-esque crying jag on the steps of Congress, Transition Teamers took a different path and borrowed a page from the ‘Working Together’ playbook the big kids use.
::: UNPRECEDENTED!!! :::

O’Baby’s top money dude, Lawrence Summers, totally pinky swore they’re gonna use $50 billion to $100 billion for “a sweeping effort to address the foreclosure crisis.”
::: … that’s your cut, Joe… :::

And we have Summers’ word of honor that they’re taking the  freebie, no strings, all-you-can-get dish off the menu at the bailout buffet.
::: NEATO! :::

THIS TIME there are gonna be some black-leather-biker-bar-tough oversights and tracking and accountability and all kiiinds of conscientious-sounding words to show the mega-seriosity surrounding how the money is used!
::: *sniff* I’m not sure but that smells like change I can believe in! SPIFFERIFIC!!! :::

But wait! There’s more!
The powers that are about to be are totally gonna get all restrictiony about executive pay at firms that receive help … this time.
::: Frealz? I’m fragile … don’t toy with me! :::

“I know this wasn’t an easy vote because of the frustration so many of us share about how the first half of this plan was implemented,” O’Beautiful said as he beamed approval from a cloudless sky.
“Now my pledge is to change the way this plan is implemented and keep faith with the American taxpayer.”
::: I’m gonna hold you to it, hot stuff!! :::

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” – Dumbya

January 16, 2009 at 6:52 pm 3 comments

Slapped in the face by OBVIOUS


snapshot-2009-01-06-19-17-45Fresh off my most excellent SITE OF THE WEEK super-mega-ultra glue-sniffing endorphine high – I went running, y’all!!
::: … when the bottle’s empty and you’re out of sniffy snax there’s not much else to do except crank out some junk miles … :::

Sweating out the Stoli toxins was just what I needed to clear the mental clutter before my daily ritual of hyper-caffeinated newsiferous updatification!

* ) Some dumb bitch is suing ‘cuz another dumb bitch called her a skank
::: if it walks like a skank and talks like a skank … :::

* ) Crappy schools in Georgia are asking teachers to return their equally crappy ‘raises’
::: … because the children are our future … :::

* ) Hospital leaves part of knife in woman’s head
::: Now THERE’$ your law$uit!! :::

* ) Study: Exercise Won’t Cure Obesity
::: OMG! OMG! DUH OVERLOAD!!!!!… :::

Seems some Loyola University doodooheads suffering from a severe case of Publish or Perish Fever felt their wisest course of action would be to retread the already very, very, very, very, VERY well-trodden ground of  investigatory weight-loss researchification.
::: Ten-Yur! Ten-Yur! :::

And what, pray tell, were the shocktastically shockingly shockworthy findings of this groundbreakingly original investigation???

“Evidence is beginning to accumulate that dietary intake may be more important than energy expenditure level. Weight loss is not likely to happen without dietary restraint,” said a Loyola nutritionist who really needs to leave the Ivory Tower and mingle with the masses every now and then.

WILL HUNTING MOMENT OF TROOOTH!!!

Ya wasted a year an’ dropped two-hundred grand on a fuckin’ study ya coulda got for a dollah meal deal at fuckin’ McDahnolds, bitch!

January 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm 10 comments

He really IS everywhere!


I know you can have Christ between your thighs.
I’ve heard of finding The Chosen One at the bottom of a bottle of Cuervo.
I can’t imagine a touchdown without a JC shoutout in the endzone!
He’s even the headliner at murder trials, parole hearings and bond negotiations nationwide!

… but finding Jesus on the floor???

Well, let’s just say that  shocks me to my very sole.

jesustile1But Antonia Baker —–>
says she first saw the messiah in the floor of her Nevada home
three years ago during …
::: … wait for it :::

… the Christmas season
::: OF COURSE!!! :::

… while she was recovering from surgery for
::: … wait for it :::

an EYE injury!
::: mmm hmmm! :::

jesustileHer doctors told her to keep her head down because it would allow her retina to heal.
She wasn’t allowed to read or use the computer, so she spent three solid weeks STARING AT THE FLOOR!
::: no word on who told her to install the fug faux-marble tiles or keep a piano in her cupboard, but whatever … bitch saw Christ, ‘kay? ::

That’s the actual tile up there – where you can spot the Son of God for your very own self!!!

Now, me? Am I surprised to hear that Jesus jumps out at geriatrics who eyeball their floor for 21 days?
HELL NO!
*oops, sorry Jesus!!*
GOSH NO!

I once stared at a piece of screening spline so long that I swear it wiggled one end, sprouted a pair of googly eyes and winked at me before running away screaming something about evil Jell-O.

No shit! It ran away, which, as you know is pretty fucking remarkable seeing as how screening spline doesn’t have any legs!

… ahh post-surgery Percodan …

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Photos: Antonia Baker

January 2, 2009 at 10:11 pm 10 comments

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