Posts tagged ‘newspaper’

THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!


When serious news happens, I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!

And what was it this Saturday, March 17, 2012?

Egypt’s Pope Shenouda III going all kinds of dead at age 88?
::: nah, those mourning masses meant twelve kinds of APPARENTLY NOT MUCH! :::
The 8 NCAA men’s basketball tournament games being played?
::: puhleeze – 80 gozillionthousand people screaming about busted brackets – BOOOORING! :::
Supremely sinister shit STILL going down in a bad, bad way over in Syria?
::: uhh, like no ‘n stuff?! it’s Syria, not SoFla! :::
St. Patrick’s Day observer’s out gettin’ their green on and going batshit bazoinkadork in shades of beryl and bice all over the gat damned place?
::: get real. like $4.55 BILLION in expected retail sales is interesting in this continued new great depression or anything! :::

Nope.
None of that pesky “actual news” even lives in the same hemisphere of being nearly as noteworthy as the in-depth exposé on what is indisputably THE most important issue ever to face the people of Earth, the United States, the East Coast, Florida, Broward County, Tamarac!

NEWSFLASH!
There are slow drivers out there — and they are frustrating!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there to wade through the uncertainty and confusion of this MAJOR STORY!

Apathetic automobile operators have produced nothing short of all-around yawns an all-out affront to life as we know it!
The people have spoken and they are easily placated pissed — they are out there reacting when provoked to respond to this non-event by beat reporters with nothing better to do.

And, you know,  I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel was there to break it down in easily-digestible chunkletts!!!!

“Slow drivers are really a hazard,” said John Bowman, a spokesman for the National Motorist Association.

FEEL THE PANIC!

Joshua Rotenberg, of Fort Lauderdale, says he wonders why slowpokes aren’t “pulled over and slapped for being discourteous.”

SENSE THE OUTRAGE!!

“I get upset and wish them a slow death,” one reader said via Facebook.

FEAR THE VENGEANCE!!!

“It’s frustrating but it’s not worth ruining my day over,” said Darren Short, a delivery truck driver from Boynton Beach.

BRACE FOR THE CALAMI … wait. What?

“A lot of the time, it’s only a matter of a few seconds or minutes before the slow driver will turn off,” AAA’s Michele Harris explained.

Troopers agree! They say when encountering drivers committing the dastardly deed of deliberately dawdling during your day to just use your turn signal and change lanes.

Whew! Crisis averted!!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is thereor whatever …

March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm 1 comment

A senior moment … of AWESOME


It’s June – and you know what that means.

HURRICANE SEASON

Well, ok – technically, yes … but June is also worldwide wedding calendar HQ.

heart25 LURVE!!!     heart25

old coupleAnd no two peeps personify the feelings of amity, affection, allegiance and appreciation (and amour … we’re guessing amour’s in there somewhere) better than Ebenezer Rose and Monica Hayden, who got themselves a last-ditch kind of hitched this weekend in West Palm Beach.
::: Kudos you crazy kids! :::

93-year-old Eb and 89-year-old Mon got their ‘I Do’ on in front of the customary gathering of friends and rellies sitting patiently through the matrimonial blah blah to get to some sweet-ass coconut cake and flat Hawaiian Punch over ice before the mandatory Macarena’s and Chicken Dancing begins.
::: There really is no bigger fun … :::

The happy couple had been friends for decades, but now come the bennies!!

“She had eyes on me all these years,” confessed the widower, who lost his wife of 58 years about four years ago. “By God’s grace, we’re here.”
Ol’ Eb popped the big Q-T-S to twice-widowed Monica about six months ago.

“I told her, ‘Each of us is living a lonely life. Why not get married?'”

ROMANCE!!!

Mazal tov bitches!

Live it up  … no really …

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June 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm 3 comments

Oh SNAP!


beyoncesux Well kids, the reviews for Beyoncé’s first real stab at opening a flick are in and let’s just say they were the teensiest smidge less than [Sasha] fierce.

And by ‘less than’ I mean the word on Obsessed is that it’s flat-fucking-out DREADFUL!
::: kind of like that ultra-hein paint job the Mighty B’s workin’ here —> :::

From the Daily News:
“Unfortunately, the whole movie seems constructed just to get the singer/actress into a knock-down catfight, shoehorning one of show business’s sexiest entertainers into a scorned-woman role.

And even then, the pay-off feels cheap.

The result is more like “Delayed Frustration” than “Fatal Attraction.” Knowles actually gets second billing after Idris Elba as Derek, a driven husband, father and VP of a Los Angeles financial firm.

Definitely worth skipping!”

OUCHIES!!

Good thing girlfriend can always fall back on her screaching singing career and churning out cheap looks for the House of Derriér

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April 27, 2009 at 1:21 pm 3 comments

GIRLCRUSH!!!!!!!!!


I think I’m in love with another woman.
Don’t worry … I think Mr. Cookie won’t mind.

413-profile_harding_03-08-2009_arlingtons_4bs2uvqembeddedprod_affiliate58<—- Meet Whitney Harding.

Whitney is a 39-year-old Lone Star mama who juggles several jobs, including being a wife and mother of two, being her block’s resident MILF (look at that hot slut – no lie!) while also acting as the new PTA council president in her kids’ school district, volunteering at their school and selling cosmetics.

Bitch is busy, ‘kay?

But somewhere in the mangled mess of her daily ‘Must Do’ list she still finds time for what really matters.

Roller Derby.

She’s the blocker for the Dallas Derby Devils league’s ‘Slaughterers’ – her derby handle is ‘Homewrecker’ and she’s 20 different kind of ready to knock a rival skank OUT when duty calls.
:::   :::

“I like a good solid hit,” she said. “It’s just about making a good solid hit, helping your jammer get through the pack.”

Oh my God I love her SO much!!!!!

When I was a kid my mom would take me to Oxmoor Ice Lodge to play mixed-youth hockey. You just cannot beat that shit!

With just a little padding, a helmet and skates I was transformed each week into an adolescent, ice-bound KILLING MACHINE.

Seriously! Once practice was over and our coach was gone – the rink opened up to the date-night lovey-dovey’s and that’s when I’d kick it into hyperdrive, get my speed skate on ’round rink’s edge – going faster and Faster and FASTER – before picking out a coupla handholders and BUSTIN’ THOSE BITCHES APART!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!
It was the BEST!

Ooohhhhh I’d forgotten how much I loved it, how much I missed that kind of excitement, how much I still want to knock shit down!!

Whitney has put her derby voodoo mojo on me and awakened an inner desire that I’m not sure I can ignore!

I just may have to trot my buns down to the Broward County Derby Grrls’ Fresh Meat Sunday and bust a bitch down move!

… I just need to think of a super way cool total HBIC derby nickname …

SOURCE

March 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm 15 comments

Geena Gold Star isn’t gonna like this!


 Oh man!
Where was this kind of radical, new-age approach to education when I was growing up?!?
::: … that’s a rhetorical question … I grew up in Alabama … :::

A Panhandle school due to open this fall will offer an innovative curriculum that includes yoga and an emphasis to a holistic approach to education. One thing it won’t have: Grades.

NO FAIR!!!
I WON’T HAVE IT!!!!  

We all had to bust some serious booty cramming for calculus and analyzing algebra, studying social science, debating the merits of debate and, well, generally doing all kinds of schooly, educationy type shit!
And for what?!?
So some pansy ass school administrators can come along a few years later with their high fallutin’ theories about the insignificance of gradiology and rankiliciousness?!?!?

Apparently so!
The private Compass Rose Academy says it will focus instead on students’ “mastery of material and a portfolio that is updated weekly – but none of the familiar letters or numbers typically used to rate pupils”.

Sooooo, these brats are gonna be in class … gettin’ their learn on … but no grade? No gold star?? No nothing at the end of all their sacrifice, toil and exertified thinkification?!?

Wait …
…. you do the work … you get evaluated … but you get nothing for it …..

OHMYGOD!
I totally get it!

They’re adopting the same practical approach to the being of nothingness we’ve all had to embrace in this New Great Depression!

It’s so clear! I don’t know how I missed it …

1.) You do the work.
2.) Someone tells you what they think of the way you did the work.
3.) They may or may not let you know what they would have given you for the work.
And ...

NOTHING, that’s what! 

Kind of like the way your merit raise worked out …

SUCKIT KIDS!

February 9, 2009 at 11:41 am 13 comments

In Bay City it’s pay up … or DIE!


Hey — way to go, Bay City, Michigan Utility Nazis!

Your black-hearted money grubbery at the pinnacle of this New Great Depression now has a body count!

93-year-old Marvin E. Schur died “a slow, painful death” after he fucking FROZE TO DEATH inside his own home — mere days after you limited his use of electricity.

Bay City’s Manager, Robert Belleman said the the city didn’t do anything wrong because the nearly century old human being owed Bay City Electric Light & Power more than $1,000. So, see? They were forced — FORCED I tell you – to freeze him the fuck OUT!

baycitymichNow, $1,000 in unpaid bills is a lot, I’ll grant you. But at some point during the accrual process wouldn’t you think there’d have been a phone call or, ooo I know – a visit to Mr. Schur’s home to check the sitch???
I mean that would have been easy considering his house is only ONE GODDAMNED MILE FROM THE GODDAMNED UTILITY OFFICE!!!!

Uh huh — a proactive approach — what about it fellas?? Ever think of that???

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Umm, yeah — looks like a big cuppa negatory on that one!

And it’s too bad, because, according to their website, at the close of 2008, Bay City Electric, Light & Power owned and operated utility assets of $64 million with total annual revenues of approximately $25.6 million.

Buuuut, instead of tapping their own admittedly robust resources in fine mistzvah fashion …
or getting really radical and working out some sort of payment plan …
or doing the unthinkable and asking for donations to help the poor old man …
OR – oh hell, just making the smallest of efforts to go that extra smidge and contact folks who, like, help needy elderly people??? (… like, oh I dunno – say, the ones on the list of ‘Agencies and Organizations Providing Emergency Help’ that’s fucking LISTED ON THEIR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE!!! ACK!!!)
Ohhhh no.

Instead of foolin’ with of any of that shit – the Bay City bastards did things another way.

The greedysonofabitchfuckingheartlessasshole way.

They installed a “limiter” device to restrict the use of electricity at the old man’s home

… in the middle of WINTER …

… in MICHIGAN!

The nifty little device limits the power coming into a home and, as an added bonus,  blows out like a fuse if consumption rises past a set level.

But the best part?
The power doesn’t get restored until the device is reset.

Belleman said city workers keep the limiter on houses for 10 days, then shut off power entirely if the homeowner hasn’t paid utility bills or arranged to do so.

But they didn’t have to do that in Marvin Schur’s case.

NOSIREEEE!!!!
It only took them four days to kill him, instead of the policy-mandated 10.

See, somehow, the limiter was tripped sometime between the January 13  installation and the January 17 discovery of his frozen deadness.

At the time his poor neighbors found him, the temperature inside his house was below 32 degrees and ice had formed in the kitchen and on the inside of his windows.

“It’s not easy to die from hypothermia without first realizing your fingers and toes feel like they’re burning,” said Kanu Virani, Oakland County’s deputy chief medical examiner, who performed the autopsy.

Ever the PR machine, Belleman was quick to lay blame smack DAB where you’d expect: On the neighbors!!

“I’ve said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors,” he alibied. “When they think there’s something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department.”

Stay classy Bay City … stay classy

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ACK!!!!!

January 27, 2009 at 2:33 pm 34 comments

Hillbilly Hicksquad 1 – Wascally Wabbits 0


A report of gunfire within city limits sends the police running to a wooded area near Titusville, Alabama.
::: Oooo gunfire — that sounds SERIOUS!! ::: 

“We saw four males and they started running,” said South Precinct Sgt. Gary Clark
::: Evasion tactics! WOW!!! :::

“When we caught them, they had a shotgun and bag full of rabbits.” 
::: … a bag fulla… uhh, whuh?!? :::

Oh sure, it’s against the law to fire a gun within the city limits and all and I’m sure the folks living in that neighborhood had nooooo problem whatsoever with the moonlight morons ‘cuz the kindly poeleece mayun said the bunny blasters didn’t know they were breaking the little ol’ law by gettin their Elmer Fudd on — so no harm no foul, right?!?
::: uhh, technically … I guess? ::: 

“It was tense for a moment because we didn’t know what we had,” he  said. “… it was a good thing that they weren’t shooting somebody.” 
::: HAHAHAHA — you said it, Sarge! Can you imagine?!? A bag full of … oh I dunno, dead baby or something?!? HAHAHA – good thing indeed!!! ::: 

One man had an outstanding warrant and *SHOCK* was taken into custody – but the others were allowed to leave and take their bag full of dead bunny on home.
::: Sumpin’ fer thuh missus, Yee-HAW!!! ::: 

“Country boys — that’s all they were,”  the kindly poeleece mayun said.
::: prolly MY dumbass rellies ::: 

I guess we have to assume the good ol’ boys had a good ol’ hunting license and didn’t go over their good ol’ kill limit of 8 … eh, whatevs – season ends February 28, boys — better git ta gittin’!!

January 25, 2009 at 8:23 pm 15 comments

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