Posts tagged ‘new Great Depression’

Patience, panhandlers!


It’s (almost) time to get happy, hobos because there’s a superserious respectable labor economist-type thinker out there projecting there will be more jobs than people to fill them in the United States by 2018.

USA! USA!!

That’s right breadliners!
You are free to now fully embrace your unemployability and savor that soup kitchen flavor ‘cuz salvation is a mere 2,920 days away!!!

WOO HOOO!!!

In his positively atrociously titled report (After the Recovery: Help Needed – The Coming Labor Shortage and How People in Encore Careers Can Help Solve It), equally atrociously titled Barry Bluestone, Dean of the School of Public Policy and Urban Affairs at Northeastern University, forecasts that within the next eight years there could be at least 5 million potential job vacancies in the United States.

YAY!

And nearly half of them (2.4 million) in social sector jobs in education, health care, government and nonprofit organizations …

WOWEE!!

… assuming a return to healthy economic growth and no change in immigration or labor force participation rates, that is.

Wait.
Did he sneak in an ‘assuming’ in there?

“If the baby boom generation retires from the labor force at the same rate and age as current older workers, the baby bust generation that follows will likely be too small to fill many of the projected new jobs.”

Wait.
Did I sniff an ‘if’?

I did!

‘Assume’ + ‘If’ = UNCERTAINTY!!!

NOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!

Ohh, but hang on there bums – there is a silverlining to Mr. Smartypants’ analysis.

His report is one of four released this week by MetLife Foundation and Civic Ventures, a think tank on baby boomers, work and social purpose. And all four soboringifyouhaveinsomniayou’llbeasleepinnotime reports come to the same conclusion:
Workers over 55 will be vital to meeting work force shortages.

So, see?
Good news!

Long about the time your retirement savings run out and you’ve surrendered or sold most of your assets to feed the members of your extended family and their families who had to move in with you just to get through the New Great Depression ™ – you’ll get to go back to work!

yay?

SOURCE

March 25, 2010 at 10:13 am

Not the cookies!!!!!!!


Everybody panic!
The time to fear is nigh!!
The end of days has arrived!!!

Harvard, this week, revealed it has cut the cookie budget for faculty meetings and has put cooked student breafasts on the chopping block!
::: deep breaths :::

“Everyone is worried,” said Hahvahd junior George Hayward. “It could be anything next; nobody really knows.”

Pudding cups?
Ketsup packets??
Artificial sweetener???

NOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!

Oh, but even academic aristocracy aren’t immune in this New Great Depression.
::: What? You thought it was over?!? HAHAHAHAHA … no. :::

With the value of its endowment down by almost 30 percent, The big H — the world’s richest university — is being forced to learn a little ‘Breadline 101’.

University honchos have already cut and frozen positions, salaries and nobreakfastservices and now they’re getting to the meat of the matter — what students and faculty eat.

“Students generally feel that if you come to Harvard, for what you’re paying, you should probably have the right to a hot breakfast,” said senior Andrea Flores. “They want to preserve the things that are at Harvard that you can’t get anywhere else.”

McMuffin anyone?

And Harvard is not the only elite institution facing a grim financial future.
Princeton has closed one of its dining halls on Saturdays.
::: EEK! :::
And, at Stanford, the annual Mausoleum Party, a Halloween gathering at the Stanford family burial site, lost $14,000 in financing and *GASP* might be canceled.
::: HORROR :::

But those woes are nothing compared to the plight of the Harvardites, where varsity athletes are SUFFERING!
::: Shocking, I know! Harvard has an athletics program! :::

“It was a big shock,” Junior Johnny Bowman said. “Athletes were accustomed to coming back from early morning practice and getting their nutrients — a solid meal.”

Ummm helloooo?!? Bright side???
The Crimson can totally blame the food sitch for their fumblatious football program!

Gotta take it where you can get it guys …

October 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Obvious Obviosity 101


We are a big ol’ bunch of lying fatties, America!

We say we want fast-food joints and sit-down restaurants to offer healthier choices but when it comes time to actually put our money where our giant pie holes are, we ditch all that ‘diet talk’ and go for the gut busters.

At least, according to a company which tracks restaurant menus to identify flavor, preparation, food and pricing trends and, apparently, does the occasional survey of the painfully fucking obvious.

Roughly of chowhounds quizzed by Mintel Menu Insights said they would like to see more healthy options, but only 51% order from those selections.
::: Frealz — someone needed a survey to uncover this bombshell evidence? :::

“There’s definitely a dichotomy between what people say they want and what they actually do when it comes to healthy restaurant eating,” a Mintel flak blah blah’d as some sort of a dismissive justification for our jowlitudinousness.

I’m shocked!

“Over eight in 10 adults told us it’s very or somewhat important to them to eat healthy, but when it comes to dining out, most people are really looking for taste, texture and experience.”

SHOCKED!

According to the company, the ready availability of better quality, more nutritious food wasn’t the only thing stopping us from eating better.
Oh no!
Price was also an obstruction to eating well!

Get. OUT!

Fifty-four percent of those surveyed admitted they believe it costs more to eat better.

“As cash-strapped consumers tighten their belts, they’re choosing cheap and tasty comfort food,” the survey concluded — which sounds plausible and all until you boil it down to the bottom like and reckonize that a bitch’ll befriend a biggie burger n’ fry combo over some lo-cal caca any day — New Great Depression or not!

Which make me wonder what great new revelation Mintel Menu Insights will bring us next?
That the colors used in a restaurant help determine if we’ll stay and how much we’ll spend?

Ooooooooo

SOURCE

June 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

The view from the cheap(est) seats


stadiumseatFeeling twelve kinds of spectacularly woozified in my Section 426, Row 15, Seat 13 spot at last night’s Florida Panthers – Pittsburgh Penguins game, the thought crossed my mind that, perhaps, I’ve been too extreme in my New Great Depression practice of partaking in sporting events on the cheap … until I saw the picture of possibly the world’s most skinflinterrific superachiever ever making his way to the top of the upper deck in left field during an exhibition game at the new Yankee Stadium over the weekend.

yankseats

I mean, I feel like a penny-pinching poseur next to his pauperiffic perfection!

Check out the steely-eyed stare he maintains – even as his oxygen-deprived brain struggles to navigate the unforgiving concrete steps stretching up, Up, UP to the ether!

This bitch isn’t fucking around!
He knows what he wants and he’s going for it!

You just KNOW he reuses popsicle sticks as bookmarks, clips coupons for shit he doesn’t even buy and recycles used stamps!!
He’s a pro!!!

Dude is workin’ that knitted cap and GORE-TEX® like there’s no tomorrow! He is going to eat those frozen hot dogs and he is going to enjoy watching the ants scurry around the field below … just as soon as he summits Mt. Ballpark.

… I’m not worthy …

PHOTO: Julie Jacobson / AP

April 6, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Movie makers get their miser on


Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

budgetdivaIt’s true!

Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

NGD Math Lesson:
Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
Why?
Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

The ‘crisis’, you silly!

They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

“They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

“They’re not fucking around,”
Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

“We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
“We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

SOURCE

April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

Straight. Up. TRIPPIN’!


GIVE THANKS BREADLINERS!

You may have lost your job, house, savings, mind, self-esteem and overall reason to live in this New Great Depression, but a smallish ray of sort of goodness has pierced the barren landscape of your crappy life!

Your kids aren’t sniffing as much of the shit you keep in the cabinet under the sink!
::: See? It’s not ALL bad! :::

Some pencil pushers at the Office of National Drug Control Policy researchified what little Johnny and his friends do when you’re not looking and GOOD NEWS!
Fewer teens are sniffing glue, lighter fluid, spray paint, shoe polish and other easy-to-find substances“.
::: One less thing, right?!? :::

About a million kids aged 12 to 17 used some kind of inhalant in 2007.
Only a mil? That’s GREAT! It’s only 3.9 percent of the adolescents who could have been rifling through your Raid collection!

And if you compare that totally marvy 3.9 to the monstrously gargantuan four point four percent doing sniffy snax in 2006 – well, it’s just nineteen kinds of semi-conclusive that we could be on the cusp of potentially maybe winning the war on drugs Krylon and Kingsford!!!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::

Some folks attribute the slumping huffy puffies to “ongoing efforts to educate teens about the dangers of inhalant use and encourage parents to discuss the issue with their children” – which sounds good when you’re trying to secure ongoing funding and all, but – if we’re being honest?
They’ve just moved on.
::: bummer, dude :::

According to the study, the oh-so readily-available inhalants you bring home from Target and keep within arm’s reach came in a dismal third (17.2%) as the go-to get-high move for kids dipping a toe in the warm waters of altered consciousness for the first time.

On the other hand, the Viagra, blood pressure and other prescription meds mommy and daddy don’t lock up had a more respectable second-place showing (23.5%).

But the perennial favorite, the Cadillac of herbal remedies, the crap your kids will reach for first whenever it’s time to get the party started was, is and forever will be (56.3%) — the stash of marijuana you didn’t think they knew you kept in the back corner of your sock drawer.

… So that’s where it went! Goddamned Little Lebowski Urban Achievers …

March 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm 1 comment

You got it baaaaaad!


If you live or work in Imperial County, California that is!

unemploymentmap

Those sad sacks have what appears to be the highest unemployment rate in the country.
::: … they’re # 1 … in sadz …:::

The fine folks at The New York Times know you are hard UP for some cheap thrills so they’ve assembled a way cool (but kinda depressing) interactive unemployment map of this New Great Depression for your edutainment.

Want to find out how much worse off other folks are?!?
This map’s for you!!

Want to know where you can’t move for a new job but could probably buy a mansion for two sticks and a handfull of pennies?
This map’s for you!!

Got a hankering to know more about lovely Steele County, North Dakota?!?
Who?
Trust me on this one, you will … which makes this map … for YOU!!!

SOURCE

March 4, 2009 at 9:31 pm 2 comments

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