Posts tagged ‘Network’

OctoGEDDON!!!


Fresh off my five-day cerebrospinal fluid imbalance-induced week of the most horrific hurt EVAR!!!!! — I take the first baby steps on my way to rejoining polite society only to be smacked in the face by America’s newest national nightmare:

Jon Gosselin did something un-Jon and Kate Plus 8-ey!!!

Oh.
MY.
GAWD!!

While I was making the climb back to civilization – the Learning Channel’s favorite bossy broodmare and her boring-ass bitch of a husband became gossip’s new golden couple after the lab-created dad was spotted gettin’ his drink and party on without the old ball and chain.

And because YOU were coherent and generally ‘with it’ last week — YOU already know what happened next …

Total.
FUCKING.
PANIC!!!!!

jonkateThe interwebs were going all apeshit with rumors of boozified cheateration, whoremongering and *gasp* divorce – but I was going all ‘This shit’s passing for news now?’
Frealz?!?

Because – no lie peeps – I can think of, like, a gozillion other things more deserving of my attention [H1N1 … economy … recalls … China …] and my ‘getting bent out of shape’ energies than some poor castrated nutsack enjoying a rare moment of freedom while the zookeeper’s away.

Nope.
Sorry.
You’ll have to do better.
I’m just a tough customer like that.

The only way this thing has any ‘mo is if Nadya Suleman is (even if it’s just in some small way) responsible — because that would just be a big, bold shade of hot mess AWESOMENESS!

No shit!
That kind of showdown would totally set my summer!

X-Men Origins? You’re outta here!
Terminator? Star-Trek?? Transformers??? Totally trivial!
And you, Harry Potter?!? PISS OFF, fuckbucket!!!

octofight1These breeders better start bringin’ the pain or I cancel ALL subscriptions!!!

You got me TLC bigwigs!?!

Unless you’re putting the final touches on the bitchslappiest KY-jelly-filled steel cage Mother’s Day smackdown in history — don’t even THINK about getting me to tune in for another one of Maddy’s meltdowns next season!

You bring me that hot Octo-on-Octo action I crave … or we’re THROUGH!

May 4, 2009 at 5:05 pm 6 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Month


I feel cheated!
Duped!!
SWINDLED!!!
 

geninecomptonHere I’ve been, thinking Genine Compton was a pro!
She did have all the earmarks of one, after all!
Supreme sefishness!
Total disregard for others!!
Bad grammar and blind bitchitude!!! 

She had it all, didn’t she?
I thought Genine would go all the way to the Dumb Bitch Championships, but now that I’ve seen a real pro – a crackerjackin action, I’m thinking I should probably revoke even her Dumb Bitch of the Day honors.

I mean, all Genine summoned the stupidity to do was breast-feed her brat while talking on her cellphone … in the car … that she just happened to be driving at the time.

cokeymomLaughably losery and impressive by novice multi-tasking standards but totally bush league when you stack her shenanigans up against master moron Renee Vanalsburg — March’s Dumb Bitch of the Month and for sure DB Hall of Fame shoo in.

Because Renee doesn’t just put her tyke on the tit and go for a drive. Anyone can do that shit!

Renee lets her baby bond with mommy’s breastesses with a booze back and blow chaser!!
::: SUPER ACHIEVER!!! :::

Police discovered the trilateral transgression when they responded to a domestic dispute call at a house where Lactose Incarcerant and her ‘better half’ were staying.

The po po rolled up on the scene to find the Florida Mother[fucker] of the Year candidate breastfeeding her baby while ‘clearly drunk and high’.
::: Because if you’re gonna go for it – GO BIG! ::: 

crackshirtThey did a little legal looky-loo and found a bottle of oxycodone and a tin with white powder in the baby’s crib before spying broken glass, ant killer, spray paint and knives scattered on floor of the baby’s room.

Knowing that Cartel Chic isn’t all the rage in nursery design, Johnny Law got to suspectin’ that Mommy Dreariest and baby daddy Marc Rush might not be such primo parents and arrested the duncetastic duo on child neglect charges.

Oh sure, sure — it all sounds pretty harsh right now and all, but you just KNOW the cherished family retelling of  ‘the time mommy’s boozified tatas got her busted’ is gonna be THE highlight at Junior’s sweet 16!

Yup – that’s gonna be soooooome party!

SOURCE

March 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm 3 comments

Pontificatin’ & Plannifyin’


I’ve been doing some super-cranial calisthenics in an effort to wrap my peabrain around the cries of convoluted coherence and perceived puffed-up pay-outery woven deep into the fabric of my boyfriend‘s massive stimulus package of distributive distraction.
::: frealz, yo — the Cookster’s give OUT! :::

 I’ve been reading the version of the American Recovery and Reinvestment readingisrad1Act of 2009 that was sent to the Senate yesterday and I’ve been reading the very interesting alternative START plan from Rep. Walt Minnick (D- Idaho) and I’ve been listening to pundits and teevee sprayheads on virtually every channel give praise to, complain about, ridicule and otherwise provide their own personal commentary on ‘the plan’ …

… and somewhere outside of all the reading but inside of all the blah blah it became kind of embarassingly aggravatingly painfully clear that most of the voices chiming in should probably just shut it already.
::: I’m not naming names, but their initials are ‘Everyone At NBCABCCBSFOXMSNBC & SomeNewspaperColumnistsDesperatelyTryingToStayRelevant’ … :::

Pet Projects! Exorbitant Pricetags!! Pork PORK PORK!!!
::: OH MY! :::

Yupperonie — the gang’s all there!
But in this New Great Depression, the salient point just may be that one man’s pork is another man’s PAYCHECK.
::: IJS :::

David Leonhardt of The New York Times writes a compelling and exceptionally well researched piece in the February 1 Magazine that, among other things, reminds “Employing people to dig ditches and fill them up again would qualify … Pork and stimulus aren’t mutually exclusive.”

The plan includes money for rural agriculture programs and for the expansion of the Child Nutrition Act of 1966; money for anti-smoking programs and for the refurbishment of national museums.

There’s money for road construction, bridge work, military housing, law enforcement, energy, natural resources, community development, national security and a whole superhaulin’ truckload of other things.
::: OH MY! :::

Bob Barr (the AJC’s resident blowhard) calls PORK! on the $75,000,000 for `Facilities Capital’ at the Smithsonian …
… but conveniently neglects to tell the reader the the money is “for deferred maintenance projects, and for repair, revitalization, and alteration of facilities owned or occupied by the Smithsonian Institution” …
whiiich is billspeak for construction, plumbing, electrical work and technological upgrades …
… and what do we call those nifty things again, kiddies?

That’s right!
JOBS!!!
::: YAY EMPLOYMENT!!! :::

Barr and several sprayhead politico wannabes also call PORK! on that anti-smoking provision — buuuut *WOOPSIE* they all leave out those puffbothersome little things called ‘details’ — like the fact that the provision is part of a broader set of initiatives aimed at addressing “chronic and infectious disease rates and health disparities” including “evidence-based interventions in obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, tobacco cessation and smoking prevention, and oral health.”
You know — all that pesky preventable shit that drives up health care premiums and actual care costs almost exponentially every year as we become fatter … and sicker … and poorer.

Oh but hey, what are you gonna do?
Read the bill to find out if they’re telling you the truth?!?
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nah …
…  but I did!
::: I’m one cross-eyed, sleep-deprived, headachy ho because of it … but at least I’m an informed ho!! :::

My thought was –  before I open my yap and spew forth vitriol against something I have only a surface understanding of – I might be better served by reading, factifying and performing my own  super serious researchification … and then I can open my yap and spew forth vitriol!
::: RADICAL! :::

Except that once I’d started reading … and reading … and reading —  I didn’t want to channel my inner acrimony. I wanted to read more!
::: … and sleep … :::

I mean, sure – we can all continue to stand around and bitch and moan about the pricetag of the plan and point fingers without ever digging deeper or really knowing anything about any of the shit we’re bitching and moaning and pointing fingers about — and we’ll feel justified this time because of the colossally disastrous way the bailout bill was handled because that makes our cries of ‘NOT AGAIN’ seem valid …

… except they aren’t.
Because it is different.
Because it’s not just spending for spending’s sake (you listening TARPers?!?).
Because it’s growth.

And “growth is the only way for a government to pay off its debts in a relatively quick and painless fashion, allowing tax revenues to increase without tax rates having to rise.”

And before you (and you know who you are!) come at me with crap about who it came from — don’t disagree just to disagree or because you don’t like the backing or you don’t agree 100% with everything you ‘heard’ was in there — read.
All you can.
::: … I think it’s kind of, like, a civic duty or some shit … :::

History — especially post-World War II economic history — is the bombest bitch, dawgs!!

Check it if you can … just don’t blame me for your Visene addiction!

Gat DAM this box is high up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Throughout the nation men and women, forgotten in the political philosophy of the Government, look to us here for guidance and for more equitable opportunity to share in the distribution of national wealth … I pledge myself to a political campaign. It is a call to arms.”
—- Franklin D. Roosevelt

February 11, 2009 at 6:18 pm 14 comments

Lone Star Hate


What is it about Texas that turns high school cheerleaders and their mothers 20 shades of batshit crazy?

Back in the ’90s we had “Pom Pom Mom” Wanda Holloway who hired hit man to murder her 13 year-old daughter’s cheer rival.
Bitch put a contract out on an eighth grader!!!
In case you didn’t know, that’s what crazy looks like.  –>

Last year we were treated to a bunch of dive-roll divas dubbed the ‘Fab Five’ who terrorized folks at a school near Dallas with their ‘chocolate tampons’, peeny-pics and tawdry texts.

And now we have the lovely ladies of the Morton Ranch High School varsity squad who apparently got a little frisky, mixed a whole bunch of überbitch with absolutely no common sense and turned a recent JV-to-V induction breakfast into a possible criminal incident.
::: CLASSY!! :::

Allegations surfaced this week that the school’s varsity squad “kidnapped” junior varsity members … blindfolded them, bound their hands and mouths with duct tape and tossed them into a swimming pool.”
::: NOT nice, Buffy!! :::

And “when a girl (BEEP) in her pants and puts her pants on another girl’s head, that’s just disgusting,” the sister of one of the JV casualties cheerleaders told the local ABC station.

You know, I’d flat out cut a bitch for BEEPing on me!
::: They troped their own copy! WTF?!? :::

But the most precious part of this whole retarded mess isn’t the BEEPing or the binding — it’s some hagbag called CHEERMOM001 on the local station’s message boards. She ranted, raved and refreshed that browser for 15 fun-filled hours … and counting!
::: can you say obsessive-compulsive, control-freak, probably guilty-by-association stay-at-home stage-mom? I can! … It hurts, but I can say it. :::

I particularly like the way she came back from her ‘break’ at 1:18 this morning to find that someone (tee hee) had sneakily engaged her keyboard’s capslock.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, BITCHES!?!

She brought the crazy into the wee hours of the morning – then *poof* – just like her daughter’s alibi – CHEERMOM001 was gone!
Some lunacy with your lunch?

7/30/08 2:38 PM EDT
BTY…… Please JV PARENTS get off your POWER TRIP AND THE ONES THAT GO TO CHURCH BLESS YOU
::: BT-WHAT!? :::

7/30/08 2:49 PM EDT
I AM BLESSED AND HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY , FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT BLESSED GOD BLESS YOU, AND TRULY THERE IS ALOT TO THIS STORY AND I HOPE ITS ALL CLEARED UP FAST . PRAY FOR ALL INVOLVED AND THE PARENTS WHO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS 
::: she meant touched … not blessed. But I would pray if I were anywhere near Katy, Texas – Mamma was probably loadin’ buckshot between sentences. :::    

 

WOW IVE BEEN CLONE ? NO WE JUST KNOW THE TRUTH …….. 
::: Ruh roh — too much sniffy-sniff makes mommy a bad typist … umm, and paranoid!  :::

Oh but it’s just that kind of special when people get all liquored worked up, fire up the Dell and congregate in an atmosphere of mutual hatred on a barely-moderated message board!

Virtual finger-pointing! Legal threats!! Written threats!!!
Better than the last Grisham novel!

Oh crazy Texans – you do make us laugh (and laugh and laaauuuugh …)

July 31, 2008 at 6:34 pm 15 comments

Oh God! What if it’s Dick Cheney!?!


Rumor has it that ABC is giving the full-court press to ‘a major American political figure’ to compete on the next season of ‘Dancing With the Stars’.

I got soooo super-duper excited thinking about my boyfriend shakin’ what his mamma gave him that I did my super-special happy dance down the 2nd floor hallway, waved my lighter in mock tribute a little too close to the sprinkler system and got everyone an extra 30 for lunch.

Who can blame me, right?

After seeing O’Beautiful shake his moneymaker on the Ellen Degeneres show, I was all HELL TO THE YEAH at the thought!
O’Baby’s got back!

I’ve seen him dancin’
To hell with romancin’
He’s sweat, wet,
Got me goin’ like a turbo ‘Vette

But then gossipsauce.com totally RUINED my O’buzz with news that DWTS ‘insiders’ confirmed the politician is *thud* former vice president Dan ‘What A Dumbass’ Quayle. Apparently he’s “on the short bus list” of stars in final negotiations.

I’m thinking he couldn’t pass the entrance exam for ‘Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader’ so he’ll mangle the Mashed Potatoe instead.

July 29, 2008 at 6:20 pm 1 comment

What’s wrong? Credit got your tongue?


According to a recent poll, Americans find it easier to talk about the day Uncle Hollis’ face met the business end of the hay baler than mention the ol’ MasterCard.

We’re even more apt give the gory details of our last one-night stand (and thanks SO MUCH for that graphic account, Sheila – eww) than disclose the dollar amount on our Discover card.

“Talking about credit card debt is an overwhelming social taboo. There is a social paradox happening people who are faced with credit card debt are unwilling to face their financial issues and therefore may be leaving it unresolved, said Ben Woolsey, Director of Marketing and Consumer Research for CreditCards.com.

This – to me – is nothing short of fascinating.
No — really!! It’s more than fascinating — it’s FASCINATACULAR!!!

These days, the idiot box is nothing more than a malfunctioning mental toilet — crammed full of shit like the skankerific I Love New York, the bangfest that Big Brother has become, Dog The racist, human beef-jerkey Bounty Hunter and any of the MANY baby-daddy paternity smackdowns that litter the landscape of daytime television.

Teevee ‘programming’ leaves the same taste as that quart of milk I left in the car about 3 hours too long this weekend. But it’s not just the boob tube — talk radio and, err, well yeah, the Internet aren’t much better!
::: well, ‘cept for the porn … porn’s alright … for medicinal purposes and all …  :::

I mean, with the stupidly notable exception of the absolute gay paranoia tidal wave sweeping the nation (so they’re getting married — get OVER it, Prudeholm!) – one would think every topic is considered ‘in bounds’ these days.

Ahh, but not so!

Eight out of 10 adults (82 broke-ass percent of us) are reluctant to openly discuss our credit card debts with someone we just met — but we have nooooo problem letting him get his grope on while checking out the fusica and lime bustier/thong set when we were in that really cool room behind the back room at Le Cie …. uhhhh, wait … what? …. I mean when my friend wa… ehhhACK!!!
::: NEVER slammin’ Tequila again!!!! :::

July 8, 2008 at 8:34 pm 3 comments

A&E is A-OK with racism


Duane Dog Chapman, racist SOBDuane ‘Dog’ Chapman, the world’s most famous racist, over-sunned, racist, bleached out, racist, chain-smoking, racist, bounty hunter, will return to the A&E network nearly eight months after a taped verbal assault against his son’s black girlfriend forced the network to yank his stank-ass crap show from its lineup.

“We’re really confident that the time is right to bring him back,” said Dan Silbrman, the network’s vice president of publicity.
And by that he meant ‘our ratings are down and we know how much the public loves to watch a human trainwreck but we couldn’t sign Britney so we’re bringing the Dog back.”

During a media event at the Kahala Hotel on Wednesday to announce the show’s return, Dog spewed forth the following idiocy:
“As far as the word that I said, it hurts people’s feelings. I am not famous for that.”

Umm, yeah you are.

May 15, 2008 at 10:36 pm 4 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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