Posts tagged ‘Music’

Men You’d Do?

So I see a press release this morning for a “Menudo Back to School Contest” and I had to sniff the sprinkles on my doughnut to be sure I didn’t accidentally put the ‘good’ powder on there.
::: it happens … :::

What in the lame comeback ploy hell is this all about?
Have we learned nothing from the Spice Girls or New Kids on the Block??
Is the musical landscape really so barren that we’re pumping a 30-year-old boy band looking for a comeback at any price???

What’s next? Are the members of New Edition gonna try and get back together so they can choke out an updated rendition of Mr. Telephone Man or Popcorn Love?
::: Don’t laugh – they might. Bobby’s pretty hard up these days … :::

Oh well, whatever.

They might want to recast their ‘creative team’, though.
I mean, what idiot starts a “Back to School’ ANYTHING in October?
Doesn’t school start in, like, August or something?

By October kids are boozing in the parking lot and screwing their drama teachers!

That concert better include an 8-ball and some cutters or things could get ugly.

October 1, 2008 at 2:36 pm 2 comments

Déjà Vu?

We must lift Janet Jackson up in prayer today as it seems she has relapsed been admitted to the hospital and must cancel an appearance … again.

Didn’t we just do this a few months ago???

Aaannnyragingdrugproblem, a mouthpiece for JJ says the singer has been hospitalized after falling ill and has canceled her concert in Montreal.

Word is she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check and had to be rushed to the hospital just before show time. And by ‘hospital’ we’re betting that means ‘rehab’. 

Well, either that or she just couldn’t bring herself to wear this absolutely trashtastic piece of awful. Seriously — what in Tweety Bird meets Spacballs hell is going on with that outfit?!?

September 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Something’s wrong with Sammy Jo

Ava Locklear’s parents have probs.

Mere months after seeking help via rehab for anxiety and depression, Heather Locklear is back on the batty bus.
Someone who said they spotted her driving erratically called the popo who then pulled her over, arrested and booked her on suspicion of driving under the influence of prescription drugs.
::: drugs are bad, mmmkay? :::

I’m sure it’s all just a big misunderstanding. Sammy Jo would never do anything like that!

I bet Heather found a bee in her changepurse and it scared her and so she accidentally threw her car in gear while trying to shoo the bee out the window and when that failed she tried to flee the bee by any means necessareeeee.
::: wheeeee!!! :::

Yup, I bet that’s what it was. At least I hope that’s what it was – for the sake of the child and all.

How much more little Ava can take?

First, her dad (and Heather’s cheatin’ ex), Richie Sambora was arrested on a DUI charge back in March. Ever the family guy — Richie was ridin’ dirty with little Ava pullin’ shotgun.
::: quality family time – Hollywood style :::

Second, her mom checks in to some nuthut in an effort to get her mind right.
::: how’s that workin’ out? :::

Third, her mom decides to get her NASCAR on in a Santa Monica parking lot for all the paparazzi world to see.
::: oh, ok, not workin’ out so good then … :::

Oh well, on a positive note – word is no kids were harmed in the making of Heather’s recent legal run-in.
::: In Hollywood, that makes her mother of the year  :::

Oooo ooo -and also, I heard the downtown Baskin Robbins is giving away pints of Baseball Nut.
mmmmm – ice cream!

So … you know, I think someone who’s initials aren’t Heather Locklear or Richie Sambora should drive wee Ava right down to get some free chills because the kid’s gotta be pretty embarassed by her family today and – well, who isn’t?!? – but the point is you just can’t feel bad when you’re eating ice cream.

Yeeeaaaahhhh …

September 29, 2008 at 1:49 pm 1 comment

Drugs are bad … mmmmkay?

I’ve got a post-debate hangover which means I feel bad that it wasn’t a true blowout one way or the other and when I feel bad I think of other people who I bet feel bad or at least look bad and so I try to find pictures of them to make myself feel better because, well, look at them — they’re fug and famous which means they’re worse off than me because I can be fug in my computer room and no one has to know.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sucks to be you famous fuggies!
And so, while having my fourth cup of coffee (what?!? that’s normal!!) I came across the poster child of famous fug and so I am turning my Saturday morning into a PSA because, well, I care.
::: actually I don’t have anything else going on for a while — the gym isn’t open yet, but whatever … :::

I give you Amy Winehouse — snapped doing something somewhere in London sometime last week (photo left). I’m sad for her because I remember her just four short years ago when her career began to blow up (photo right).

Seriously, does anyone care about this bitch?
And just how the hell is she still alive?!?

Britney — you takin’ notes, hon?

September 27, 2008 at 1:14 pm 3 comments

Disney daze gone bye

Disney cash cowette Mylie Cyrus and her pimp daddy Billy Ray are all kinds of fed up with the Mouse House and want to move on to greener pastures, like, NOW. ‘spies’ on the Hannah Montannah set report that “Miley has bragged that she will get fired, making it clear she wants to focus on singing and not the show”
::: she’s just being Mylie :::

” … Billy Ray has also made it clear that there is more money in singing than a Disney cable show.”
::: Someone read Joe Simpson’s ‘Idiot’s Guide To Whoring Out Your Offspring’ :::

The creepy father-daughter duo has reportedly been showing up to the set ridiculously late, stalling production and infuriating cast and crew.
::: Family Values of the Hick and Famous :::

Cast member Emily Osment (younger sister to underage alky Haley Joel) used to be totally tight with Fakey Breakey’s spawn — but now, with all this drama, she totally wants Billy’s brat off her bff roster.
::: Can’t we all just get along? :::

TMZ says Emily is so bitter she literally turns away from Miley after each scene.
::: HARSH! :::

Folks, this is headed straight for the land of Not Good — where kiddie stars with overblown egos become washed-up haggard skanks who can’t remember their lines, their purpose or their place but can suck down a bottle of Baileys in a single gulp and get all ‘dohn schew knohoo aiyam???’ when some poor gatekeeper brings the hell naw as they try to jump the velvet rope.

Overt greed and inappreciation usually leaves a fanbase cold and I’m sure Disney doesn’t want to see their product reduced to just another overdose-in-training.
::: well, not unless there’s a People cover and some serious cross-promotion involved … :::

So, before wily Mylie’s moneygrubbery makes all that tween cash go *poof*, I think Disney should totally tear up the Cyrus contract  – but only after they sever ties appropriately by giving her character an astoundingly painful and sizzlingly scabrous STD and killing her off in an end-of-season live episode.

Now that’s quality programming for the whole family!

September 22, 2008 at 5:14 pm 5 comments

Mariah Carey is an optimist

No, scratch that …
Mariah Carey is the most optimistic of all optimists ever to optimize optimism in any form. Ever.

How else can you explain that – despite actual laws being passed banning the bitch from movie theaters worldwide (unless she was holding a ticket) following the epically disastrous 2001 debut of Glitterhere she is — putting the fatal final touches on a new  movie?!?
::: oh no!  :::

Oh yes!

Just in time for the holidays comes Tennessee — a road-trip drama in which Carey plays (what else?) an aspiring singer!!!
::: that’s right girl — dig deep, challenge yourself – GROW! :::

Carey plays ‘Krystal’, a dumb whore who has high hopes to make it BIG in music – but is afraid she may have to settle for diddly squat because she is a dumb whore trapped in (what else?) a bad marriage.

This one’s gonna work!

And why not — It’s just soooo completely and totally different from Glitter – where she played (what else?) an aspiring singer who’s bullshit dreams are in danger of going *poof* because of (what else?)  the evil and controlling ways of a man!

Yup, totally  different!

“Woe is me?” What the hell is that?
exactly …

September 19, 2008 at 8:16 pm 1 comment

Can’t anyone retire and mean it anymore?

Reports are leaking out that Lance Armstrong will be coming out of retirement to compete in some nearly dead road races (Tour de Georgia?!?) and then, potentially, pedal his way to an unheard of eighth Tour de France victory.

Oh god no. Please no. Seriously – no.

Lance and his team of managers, handlers, press agents and drug-test-takers probably all sat back and watched with jealous googly eyes as Fishsticks Phelps raked in fat endorsement cash after snagging eight golds at the Beijing Olympics.

I bet those bitches conference called each other after every medal ceremony to whine about how cycling seems so old and busted next to swimming’s new hotness and how only cancer boy can rescue the sport for the benefit of all of humanity (or some stupid shit like that).

But before they get their Nike pitch on, Lance & Co. should take note.

No one (NO ONE) has been standing in line to see Mark Spitz and his wrinkles plop into the pool for a long, long time. Cycling fans aren’t any different. They’re ready for the next big thing. They don’t care who it is as long as it’s the next big thing — not the last big thing.

But I bet ol’ fancy pants Lance doesn’t see things quite that way. He probably sleeps in a different yellow jersey each night, wakes up each morning and spit shines his trophies while drinking coffee from a mug that reads ‘Cycle God’ and journaling the various rates at which his lungs make the O2 to CO2 conversion before speed dialing his publicist every hour on the hour to get the lastest list of celebrities he’s more famous than in each of the world’s major time zones.

His ego is probably just that sad. And it’s too bad because we actually like guys like that — until it’s time to go. But guys like that never know when it’s time to go. They always stay too long at the party and end up looking like the bad blind date you just couldn’t get rid of at the end of the day.

Lance – it’s time to go. Has been since that day in 2005 when you said you were going.
You retired and we foolishly trusted you to mean it.

We want you to mean it. We need you to mean it.
Please — go away already!

Like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson, Ashley Olsen, Tory Burch, your ex-wife, Team Astana, viable sperm counts and good looks — we are sooo over you.
::: If only you could get over yourself … :::

Please – take your testicle and go gently into that good retirement night … for all our sakes!

September 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm 12 comments

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