Posts tagged ‘movies’

Best Actress – EVER!


Take a hike Katharine Hepburn!
Elizabeth Taylor and Bette Davis? BORING!!
And forget you Jane Fonda and Jodie Foster!!!

Step aside ladies – and take note all of you little gold statue awarders – because there exists an actress of such singular accomplishment that no other can possibly even be considered for the ultimate acting accolade this Sunday.

OH YES THERE IS!

And she recently delivered a performance so riveting, so compelling, so crazy wicked amazing that it puts to SHAME every other winner of every other Oscar in the 83-year history of the presentation of the prize!

TO SHAME, I SAY!!!

Meet Patricia Hastie. ——->
Patricia recently played Elizabeth King in movie ‘The Descendants’.
Elizabeth King is married to Matt King.
Matt King is played by George Clooney.

Now, I’m not going to go all ‘spoiler’ on you or anything in case you, like Elizabeth King, have been in a coma or somesuch and are walkin’ around all oblivious to shit — but let’s nutshell this bitch and suffice it to say it turns out Lizzy’s just a big ol’ ho-bag who’s been having secret sexy times with someone who’s initials are NOT HER HUSBAND MATT and poor Matt was none the wiser until Lizzy bumped her big ol’ ho-bag head in a jet-ski race and basically cut the legs out from under her entire family’s not-so-normal life.

But playing a comatose ho-bag is not what makes Patricia worthy of serious Best Actress EVER snaps.

Playing a comatose ho-bag who lies motionless, expressionless … COMATOSE … NOT EFFING RECIPROCATING … while George Clooney plants his pucker all up on her comastose ho-bag lips is what make her the BEST ACTRESS EVER!

It does not get more METHOD, people!

She had to dig REALLY deep – give the hand, the side-eye and a very Sahar-worthy lip curl to her very own emotional core to pull that off!

She had to travel to that place where basic human instinct takes over and naturally COMMANDS you to open wide and make sweet, sweet love to George’s tonsils with your tongue for no less than 90 consecutive seconds!

Patricia Hastie scaled the heights of acting theory, came back and delivered nothing short of acting MAGIC!!

She is a MASTER THESPIAN!!!

She is the BEST ACTRESS EVER!!!!

Oh hell, who am I kidding.

That scene alone makes that her the Best Actress OF ALL TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOW UNIVERSE AND ALL GALAXIES EVER CREATED …

EVER!!!!

February 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm 2 comments

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze :(


NOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Curse you Summer of Death!!!!!

patrick-swayze-dirty-dancingPatrick Swayze, who made me want to grab my grenade launcher and fuck shit up as Jed Eckert …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to grind it like I mean it as Johnny Castle …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to buy a bunch of clay and make shit as Sam Wheat …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to bust some HEADS as James Dalton …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to catch a major curl as Bohdi …

… has lost his battle against pancreatic cancer and died …

… at the justfuckingwaytoosoon age of 57.

😦

September 15, 2009 at 10:35 am 3 comments

Movie makers get their miser on


Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

budgetdivaIt’s true!

Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

NGD Math Lesson:
Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
Why?
Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

The ‘crisis’, you silly!

They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

“They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

“They’re not fucking around,”
Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

“We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
“We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

SOURCE

April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

Happy 52nd Birthday Jesus!


Because the U.S. economy suffered its deepest contraction in a quarter century, the S&P 500 closed at 12-year low, China’s Premier Wen Jiabao confirms this New Great Depression hasn’t found a bottom yet and consumer confidence found a bigger, DEEPER cave to hide out in this month — I figured we were due for a little pick-me-up.

And no one can do that like today’s birthday boy – John Turturro!

That hot Italian sausage makes the sun come up every morning in the verdant bucolic mental getaway that is my personal happy place.

Just looking at him makes me tingly – and I know he makes you tingly too!
Don’t lie – I know he does!!
How can he not!?!

That slut is a more delicious morsel of marvelousness than a bacon-wrapped Marshmallow!!

I mean, if you weren’t sitting on the edge of your seat, scratching for just one more sheet at the bottom of the Kleenex box as you held a candle-light vigil and prayed for John Turturro brings the HOTPete to come back – COME BAAAACK! – from the nether-regions of froggydom and rejoin Delmar and Everett on their quest for buried treasure, well, then I think you need to schedule an emergency EKG to be sure you even still have a heart down deep in there somewhere.
That was serious method shit you just don’t find in most cinema these days!

Oh, ho, ho, TURTURRO — from Pino to pederast, Dude — nobody beats Barton Fink!

So – yes. Today I give you JT.
Because you need him.
Because we all do in these hard times where gloom is in bloom everywhere you look; where folks are forced to wear their despair like it’s some sort of fashion; where people just don’t know what to DO anymore!

I give you JT because I think it’s important, nay, IMPERATIVE that we take time to chill, reflect and ask ourselves one question:
What Would Turturro Do?’

… the answers are there, my friends …

February 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm 3 comments

Cinemania


I could see it over Nazi wargasm Valkyrie
::: because really — who wants to see that shit?? :::
I could undertand it over the Iron-Nunned Doubt
::: because, let’s face it, Meryl Streep can do that to you :::
You might even get me to sympathize if it happened during Spirit … 

… but Benjamin Button?!?

You bust a cap in someone’s as … err … ARM over The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?!?!?

122608_cialella_300How many shades of fucked-in-the-headedness do you have to be to try and ice a bitch over Benjamin Button?

This many —>
That’s all-around glamour puss and South Phillie’s foinest, James Joseph Cialella Jr., who brought the stupid — but no date, we’re pretty sure — to a holiday showing of the Brad Pitt damned-near-three-hour age-a-palooza at the Riverview Theatre.

Seems everything was going along all nice and sweet-like when some dad-son combo started in with the chitchat.

“How’d they do that with his face?”
“SHHHH!”

“Why’s he short like a baby but old man in the face?”
* throws popcorn*
“Hey! SHADDAP already, fuckers!” 

“Is Angelina in this movi …”
” That’s IT, dickweed! I am glocked, locked and READY TO ROCK!!”
::: CHK-CHK :::

Cialella opened fire and dad took one in the arm as frightened moviegoers made a mad dash for the exits.
Then, in true double-douche thumbsucker psychopath fashion, Cialella sat back down and continued to watch the movie.

He is now charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault, and weapons violations.

Ahhhh, the holidays …

Seriously though? This kinda reminds me of that scene in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days … you know the one —  when Andie and Ben are at the movies and the guy behind them gets all ‘shut yer lady up’ and she gets all ‘you can’t talk to me like that’ and they all get all ‘let’s take it out to the hallway’ where Mr. Pissypants Movieguy punches Ben out and gets all ‘I’m going back inside to watch Sleepless In Seattle … Don’t anybody screw with me!’

Yup – JUST like that … except for the shrapnel and gunplay and IV of lactated ringers and all … mmm hmm!

December 28, 2008 at 2:58 pm 1 comment

Let’s face it …


Meg Ryan says her Hollywood career is nearly over and she’ll never be able to recapture her previous fame.
Why? Because she says there just aren’t enough good roles for women over 40.
::: Damn it all to hell and back! Who forgot to give the memo to Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep, Annette Bening and Diane Lane?!? :::

“I think when Hollywood is done with me, I will probably be done with it. I’m not interested in playing those stock characters any more and I don’t feel sad that I don’t get those kind of offers.”

Someone’s in DEE-NIE-YULL!!!

It’s not her age that’s preventing her from landing roles …

… it’s her face.

It seems like only yesterday that everything was going along just swimmingly for America’s former sweetheart – then *BAM* – Meg boarded the big bus to crazy town!

Did it happen because folks found out she’d been bumpin’ fuglies with the Australian STD?
::: la chocha caliente :::
Did it happen because her then-husband of nine years decided it best to throw a cheatin’ chocha OUT?
Did it happen because no one liked ‘Hanging Up’?
::: they didn’t, get over it :::

Alas, we may never know what drove the Megster mad. But one thing’s for sure:
She must have some ginormously craterous self-esteem because – after being tossed out, she freaked out.

Meggers didn’t consult her oft-thumbed self-hater’s guidebook to wellness and she didn’t drag her ass in for analysis. Hell, she didn’t even develop a well-deserved chemical addiction!
She did it another  way.

Bitch ditched all that bankable girl-next-dooriness for an overblown trout pout, shaved schnoz, cutlet-y implants and some super-sateeny alien skin.
::: CAREER BE DAMNED!! muahahahahah!!!!! :::

Instead of trading on her natural good looks – she traded ’em IN.
Forever.

And it’s too bad, too – because, unless there’s a ‘When Harry Met Scary’ deal in the works, Meg’s makeover gave the once-upon-a-time cutie patootie the perfect face for just one thing:
Radio.

Meg? For future reference – when the mirror’s being mean to you – just remember …

September 16, 2008 at 4:13 pm 8 comments


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