Posts tagged ‘movie’

DO NOT WANT!


There are some things I do not want.

1. I do not want to hear about your infection, Bruce.
Not unless you think it’ll kill you. Then I might attempt to feign interest. Maybe.

2. I do not want to watch you adjust yourself every fucking time you stand up.
This means YOU, Nate! Fucking QUIT IT!

3. And I don’t want to have images of Bill Gates table-dancing burned into my head.
Uh, ya, thanks for that, NYP.

According to The Posts’s Page Six, Wild Bill and his floppy, uhh, disc were spotted at the Sundance Film Festival gyrating “in a VIP booth until 2 a.m. Everybody was snapping photos of him until his security rushed him out the back door after he tipped a waitress $500.”

Kinda makes me wonder how big the RAM is in his hard drive.
OH HELL NO IT DOESN’T!!!!

I mean, it’s not that I think Bill shouldn’t get his groove on because I firmly feel that everyone should. Every day! Lots!!
It’s just that some folks need to keep that shit to themselves.

Bill is one of those folks.

Because when folks like Bill set out to get they swerve on, it invariably ends up resembling an all-out epileptic episode or convulsive seizure or some fruncked-up mess that makes me go all ‘eww’ before I get all ‘awww’ and start to feel bad for the poor, retarded so-and-so because they didn’t know any better or – worse – thought they had moves to begin with … but in a way that makes me feel all ‘ha!’ because I can do the paso doble or bring on the break-dancing and I just might even show you the stanky leg if I’ve been properly primed — which makes me feel super superior because it’s at that precise moment that I realize I’m actually better at something than those folks which makes me one step more perfect than they are which, when I really put it all into perspective, is a giant slice of way cool multiplied by the the power of ten million rainbows because my logic has just proven that I am better than Bill Gates and that’s something I DO WANT … but now my head hurts really bad for some reason and I think I need to lie down …

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January 28, 2010 at 11:28 am 2 comments

NOOOooooooo!!!


My (other) boo … my comedic counselmy satirical soul-mate … has been wronged, y’all!!

Katt Williams has been filming a movie and staying at the producer’s home in rural Georgia for a month when suddenly an employee of the producer got his amnesia on, apparently forgot who my kitty Katt was and called Johnny Law to report my (other) boo as a burglar!
::: WRONGNESS! :::

Barry Hankerson – the film’s producer – told investigators that my (other) boo had total and complete permies to stay at his place for as long as his sweet little ol’ heart desires.
::: CASE CLOSED! :::

“The community and law enforcement have been very welcoming and kind to him,” Georgia lawyer Alan Clarke said. “This is a misunderstanding which will work out quickly.”

I hope so!
In the meantime – even a wrongful arrest can’t keep Mr. Kattastic from finding the funny:

t1larg.katt.williams.mug

I can’t wait for the standup on this!

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November 10, 2009 at 11:19 am 14 comments

R.I.P. “Norma Rae”


sutton1Bow your heads, take a moment and say a little prayer, for the Summer of Death has laid claim to another.

The woman who inspired the 1979 movie ‘Norma Rae’ has died.

North Carolina’s Crystal Lee Sutton (at left with Sally Field) lost her long battle with brain cancer.
She was only 68.

Sutton’s fight to change the insultingly low pay and devilishly poor conditions at the Southern textile plant where she worked was chronicled in the 1975 book Crystal Lee, a woman of inheritance by New York Times reporter Henry Leifermann.

deniedThe book was later made into the legendary Academy-award winning movie — shot at the (not so legendary) Golden Cherry Motel and Opelika Manufacturing Company in Opelika, Alabama.

Unfortunately – or perhaps sadly fittingly – Sutton died just as she lived – struggling against a corporate bully … only this time it was the health insurance company delaying her treatment.

Godspeed Crystal Lee … Godspeed.

September 15, 2009 at 10:19 am 3 comments

Oh SNAP!


beyoncesux Well kids, the reviews for Beyoncé’s first real stab at opening a flick are in and let’s just say they were the teensiest smidge less than [Sasha] fierce.

And by ‘less than’ I mean the word on Obsessed is that it’s flat-fucking-out DREADFUL!
::: kind of like that ultra-hein paint job the Mighty B’s workin’ here —> :::

From the Daily News:
“Unfortunately, the whole movie seems constructed just to get the singer/actress into a knock-down catfight, shoehorning one of show business’s sexiest entertainers into a scorned-woman role.

And even then, the pay-off feels cheap.

The result is more like “Delayed Frustration” than “Fatal Attraction.” Knowles actually gets second billing after Idris Elba as Derek, a driven husband, father and VP of a Los Angeles financial firm.

Definitely worth skipping!”

OUCHIES!!

Good thing girlfriend can always fall back on her screaching singing career and churning out cheap looks for the House of Derriér

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April 27, 2009 at 1:21 pm 3 comments

Geography FAIL


Deception!
Trickery!!
LIES!!!

WE’VE BEEN CHEATED!!!!

Remember that family vakay we were all forced to take during the delicate, formative years of our middle school ‘experience’?
The one where the ‘rents piled our whiny snotnosed selves into the Pace Arrow and headed ‘West to see America’??
The one where you pretzeled yourself in an effort to make sure you had at least one digit representin’ in every spot at Four Corners???

Yeah?
Well, funny thing about that …

“According to readings by the National Geodetic Survey, the Four Corners marker showing the intersection of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah is about 2.5 miles west of where it should be.”

SAY WHAT?!?

Ayep – a good old-fashioned fuckup back in 1868 has led to countless Kodak moments where little Timmy and Sue took turns getting a hand in Arizona … and, as it turns out, a foot in Arizona … and another foot in Ariz — well, you get the idea.

That photo album? Pitch it.
That commemorative mug? Ditch it.
That computer screensaver you like so much? Switch it.

Your ‘precious memories’ will get you about as much as the fake Louis the chick at RaceTrac keeps behind the counter.

What – OH WHAT – are we to make of this betrayal, America?!?

Are we just supposed to now assume we are georgewvisiting the real birthplace of George Washington when we go to the Virginia spot the government claims is the exact spot his mamma birthed that bitch?
I don’t think so!

And what about Washintgon’s Mount St. Helens?? How do we know it’s not the bigger, more unstable ‘supposedly dormant’ volcano 2.5 MILES AWAY that nobody talks about because the guy monumentizing shit that day was too lazy to check it out??
We don’t!

And Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? Allegedly our ‘first national monument’??
Oh right! Like I’m really gonna believe Teddy Roosevelt named christened that crap back in 1906!
I wasn’t there!
Were you?!? Nooooo.
The first time I saw that shit was in Close Encounters. For all I know it’s just a really big set prop!

What are we to believe?
Where does this heinous treachery against the American people end?!?

My God — what IS this madness?!?

Next thing you know we’ll find out Santa’s not real!

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April 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm 6 comments

Happy 52nd Birthday Jesus!


Because the U.S. economy suffered its deepest contraction in a quarter century, the S&P 500 closed at 12-year low, China’s Premier Wen Jiabao confirms this New Great Depression hasn’t found a bottom yet and consumer confidence found a bigger, DEEPER cave to hide out in this month — I figured we were due for a little pick-me-up.

And no one can do that like today’s birthday boy – John Turturro!

That hot Italian sausage makes the sun come up every morning in the verdant bucolic mental getaway that is my personal happy place.

Just looking at him makes me tingly – and I know he makes you tingly too!
Don’t lie – I know he does!!
How can he not!?!

That slut is a more delicious morsel of marvelousness than a bacon-wrapped Marshmallow!!

I mean, if you weren’t sitting on the edge of your seat, scratching for just one more sheet at the bottom of the Kleenex box as you held a candle-light vigil and prayed for John Turturro brings the HOTPete to come back – COME BAAAACK! – from the nether-regions of froggydom and rejoin Delmar and Everett on their quest for buried treasure, well, then I think you need to schedule an emergency EKG to be sure you even still have a heart down deep in there somewhere.
That was serious method shit you just don’t find in most cinema these days!

Oh, ho, ho, TURTURRO — from Pino to pederast, Dude — nobody beats Barton Fink!

So – yes. Today I give you JT.
Because you need him.
Because we all do in these hard times where gloom is in bloom everywhere you look; where folks are forced to wear their despair like it’s some sort of fashion; where people just don’t know what to DO anymore!

I give you JT because I think it’s important, nay, IMPERATIVE that we take time to chill, reflect and ask ourselves one question:
What Would Turturro Do?’

… the answers are there, my friends …

February 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm 3 comments

Rank … and File 13


Dear Earth,

I know it’s been a while since my last letter and I hate to be the bearer of even more bad news for you because I know you’ve been under your weather for a really long time, buuuut – remember how I told you the folks at the Pew Research Center were doing a survey to figure out what people think President O’Beautiful’s priorities should be?

Well, they’re done and … gosh, I, I just don’t know how to say this other than just to come right out with it …

About those priorities?
You’re not one.

I mean, your movie was off the chain and all – and you know how hot Al Goregous makes me (kind of like the way burning fossil fuels and deforestation make you feel) – but the bottom line is that we’re all just beginning the long journey out of the darkness of this New Great Depression and, well, you don’t put food on the tab … oh wait – ok, you sort of  do … ummm, uhh, what I meant to say is that you don’t pay the bills.
Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to say.

You don’t pay the bills, and so we have to make fixing the economy Priority Numero Uno right now.

Now, I know we made a big deal about you there for a while and, gosh, I sure hope you don’t take this too hard … it’s just that there’s just so much to fix!!

What with the economic situation, the health care situation, the education situation, the social security situation, the crime situa … well, just all the other situations we’ve been so so busy not fixing for the last eight years.

But you are important to me!!
You are!

Increased heating bills, higher cooling bills, rising insurance bills, ever-expanding grocery bills … I know you’re a part of making all of those bills higher … if only you could help pay for them …
… but you can’t and so folks were all ‘Global Warming Schmobal Schmorming, Earth Schmerth! – I need to get straight up PAID, bitch!’ when it was time to prioritize.

Soooo … you know, like, I’m sorry and all and I really do hope you feel better soon.
Maybe next year … right?!?

Yeah … ok … well, umm, see you at the rally in April

XOXO,
Cookie

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January 23, 2009 at 3:54 pm 10 comments

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