Posts tagged ‘money’

Prepare to panic in 3 … 2 …


Don’t step out of lentil line at the shelter just yet, you bums!
There’s a brand spankin’ NEW crisis on the horizon!
::: Woo h .. oh wait. Not good … :::

NYU economist and all-around financial fiasco forecaster Nouriel Roubini
<————-
has just issued a code-red high-alert that the Federal Reserve and other money managers are fueling a massive new asset “bubble” that will someday go KAPLOW BIOTCH and steal your savings, render you blind and take away all your TP after giving you the 100-day poops.
::: poop! :::

The Roubinator says the Fed is holding short-term interest rates near zero *NO!* and investors and speculators are borrowing big bucks on the cheap *ACK!* and using them to pick up all kinds of Wall-Streety type shit like stocks, bonds, gold, oil, minerals and foreign currencies – which sounds all *GREAT!* because that means prices go up and mega money can be made which is a big ol’ slice of *SWEET!*, right?

Ya, not so much.

‘Cuz *SHOCK* it can’t last.

Eventually the Fed’ll have to raise rates, peeps’ll be panic-selling their stashes all over the gat damn place and the next big cash crash’ll come down harder than Amy Winehouse after another Blaaaaaaaaaake breakup!
::: FFFFFWOP! :::

“The Fed and other policymakers seem unaware of the monster bubble they are creating,” the economical extrasensory insists. “The longer they remain blind, the harder the markets will fall.”

RUH-ROHS!
Time to flex your beggin’ hands, hobos!

SOURCE

November 11, 2009 at 10:37 am 1 comment

How do you say ‘Hypocrite’ in German?


Heuchler, is it?

The BBC is reporting that a Roman Catholic bank in Germany has the sorries after admitting it bought stocks for *oopsies!* tobacco, birth control and weapons companies.

OH NEIN!!

These shocking revelations come after some reporter types over at Der Spiegel newspaper got their investigative journalism on and discovered that Germany’s Pax Bank had invested in the British arms company BAE Systems and that it also plopped the monies down for American baby blocker Wyeth and a few bakky pimps, just for good measure.
::: And you thought it was prayer keeping the church alive …  😉 :::

A bank spokesman admitted that the investments were “not in keeping with ethical standards” but mea culpa’d that the whole dreckig affäre was really just the sorry result of a clerical error, so it’s not like they were doing anything actually wrong.
“Unfortunately in a few internal reviews, the critical investments in question were overlooked – we deeply regret this.”

Well … ok then.
You didn’t mean to achieve super sinner status with your shifty stock selections. It was an accident!!!
All will be forgiven!!

Go, children … just be sure to say 17 Hail Marys, 12 Our Fathers, 4 Acts of Contrition an Anima Christi and throw in a couple Glory Be and Hail Holy Queens for the hooker and hooch investments yet to be uncovered.

SOURCE

August 3, 2009 at 12:46 pm 1 comment

Jailhouse crock


Well booby hooby hoo!

Accused billionaire Texas swindler
<—— Robert Allen Stanford doesn’t like being behind bars so much and he’s pitching a pissy hissy in hopes it’ll get his ass moved to nicer digs.

Stanford is being held without bond at the Joe Corley Detention Facility while he waits to be tried on charges he bilked investors out of about $7 BILLION over the last decade.

His lawyer, Dick DeGuerin, filed a motion to have Stanford moved, calling conditions at the jail “oppressive.”

The motion says Stanford’s being held in a windowless cell with eight to 10 other men and that the power’s been on the blink at the clink resulting in no A/C for at least a week.

Now, ok – I’ll grant you that being confined like that during the hottest part of the year means you’re basically sitting in an oven and I’m down with the fact that being forced to sit in an oven sucks major ass.
I’ll even go you one further and admit that I totally dig that little document we call the Constitution, which generally guarantees prisoner rights under the 8th Amendment.

But if they’re not prepared to move every other inmate being forced to bake his buns in the same boiler, then I gotta say this move would smack of preferential treatment and that’s too big a crock of shit to swallow sober.

Sorry Stanford!
But hey, instead of bitching and moaning about all this dark, sweaty time you’ve got on your hands — maybe try being a glass half full kind of guy!
Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Don’t think of the stinky man stew that is your cell as punishment. Think of it as possible preparation!

See! Always a bright side! 🙂

SOURCE

July 29, 2009 at 1:45 pm

No pay no stay


It’s just all-out hostility against the hobos and the poors these days!

Even after getting serious stimulus money, states are still cutting jobs, bull-dozing benefits and — as of this month — one city (NYC) will begin charging rent to working families staying in public homeless shelters.
::: What’s next?!? Tipping the breadline soup scooper??? :::

This latest societal bitchslap to the bereft is made possible by a 1997 state law allowing shelter managers to force flat-broke fams to fork over a portion of their income, depending on the shelter and family size.

For some of the strapped, this could mean handing over up to half their earnings.

PHILANTHROPY
FAIL!!!
(for serious!!!!)

How is a family supposed to save enough to get out of the shelter when they’re coughing up more than 50% of their take-home cash to the shelter?

Huh?
HUH, MR. GUY IN CHARGE?!?
::: rhetorical question, Bub — no one believes you care … :::

“I think it’s hard to argue that families that can contribute to their shelter cost shouldn’t,” commented one callous commish. “I don’t see this playing out in an adverse way.”

Really?
You sure about that??

Because I’m thinking that a state that eagerly earmarks

  • $2,500 for the Doll and Toy Museum of New York City
  • $2,500 for the Brooklyn Cricket League
  • $6,000 for the Harlem Honeys and Bears senior citizen swim team
  • $6,500 for the Utica Curling Club
  • $10,500 for the American Association for the Improvement of Boxing
    and
  • $15,000 for the Urban Yoga Foundation
    – would probably enjoy some pretty sweet PR if it found a way to pinch off a few pennies for the penniless, right?
  • Right?!?

     I hope so, ‘cuz you gotta know it would take a ginormous truckload of NOTHIN’ for me to instigate an uprising of the impovrished when I visit New York in two weeks!

    SOURCE
    SOURCE

    May 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm 6 comments

    Happy Tax Day, Bitches!


    Hope you didn’t use these guys!

    swindle-tax-service

    April 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm 2 comments

    Whatever gets you through …


    Ever had one of those days when a diversion chock-full of healthy ackhilariosity and fortified silliation isn’t just welcome … it’s necessary?

    Well, I had one of those bad bitches yesterday and let me just tell you — drinking will definitely bring the ahhhhh, but investing in the unusual, unnecessary or undeniably degenerate  is what will really cut the shyte!

    Frealz!
    It’s totally theraputic!

    Sometimes it’s supplies for sexy times from Sassy Kat, sometimes I just want a taste of Teavana’s ambrosial offerings and sometimes I need a double dose of ethnic chic that only Soul Sistah can supply.

    believeingodBut for days when everything seems to be turned upside-down on a sideways hill in the rain there is only one option.

    Perpetual Kid

    My absolute 100% all-time FAVORITE ‘get fun shit’ place on the planet, Perpetual Kid caters to the functionally crazy like no one else.
    ::: Just like the Sharpie standing watch over my desktop pen army … Perpetual Kid speaks to me. :::

    No day is complete without gettin’ my God on with some piously pepperminty breath spray and adding a little ba-da BLING to my boo boos is the bomb! And can I just tell you? My dead body towel has never failed to provide a quiet day at the beach.

    Make some Tic Tac Toast; munch some Ugly Little Bitch mints or slip your best girl some “Birth Control” – whatever!

    The point is that this crap has kept my funkatated ass from going twelve kinds of Chris Brown on folks more than once … and because I am getting a slight kickback for this post care — DEEPLY — about your well-being, I am sharing this time-tested strategerie for solutionizing your sanity.

    I mean, it’s gotta be a better use of your money than bail, right? Right? …

    April 9, 2009 at 3:54 pm 7 comments

    Movie makers get their miser on


    Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

    New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

    budgetdivaIt’s true!

    Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

    Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
    ::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

    NGD Math Lesson:
    Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

    Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
    Why?
    Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

    The ‘crisis’, you silly!

    They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
    ::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

    “They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

    Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
    ::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

    And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
    The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
    ::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

    “They’re not fucking around,”
    Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
    said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

    Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

    “We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
    “We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

    Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

    Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

    SOURCE

    April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

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