Posts tagged ‘mom’

Straight. Up. TRIPPIN’!


You may have lost your job, house, savings, mind, self-esteem and overall reason to live in this New Great Depression, but a smallish ray of sort of goodness has pierced the barren landscape of your crappy life!

Your kids aren’t sniffing as much of the shit you keep in the cabinet under the sink!
::: See? It’s not ALL bad! :::

Some pencil pushers at the Office of National Drug Control Policy researchified what little Johnny and his friends do when you’re not looking and GOOD NEWS!
Fewer teens are sniffing glue, lighter fluid, spray paint, shoe polish and other easy-to-find substances“.
::: One less thing, right?!? :::

About a million kids aged 12 to 17 used some kind of inhalant in 2007.
Only a mil? That’s GREAT! It’s only 3.9 percent of the adolescents who could have been rifling through your Raid collection!

And if you compare that totally marvy 3.9 to the monstrously gargantuan four point four percent doing sniffy snax in 2006 – well, it’s just nineteen kinds of semi-conclusive that we could be on the cusp of potentially maybe winning the war on drugs Krylon and Kingsford!!!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::

Some folks attribute the slumping huffy puffies to “ongoing efforts to educate teens about the dangers of inhalant use and encourage parents to discuss the issue with their children” – which sounds good when you’re trying to secure ongoing funding and all, but – if we’re being honest?
They’ve just moved on.
::: bummer, dude :::

According to the study, the oh-so readily-available inhalants you bring home from Target and keep within arm’s reach came in a dismal third (17.2%) as the go-to get-high move for kids dipping a toe in the warm waters of altered consciousness for the first time.

On the other hand, the Viagra, blood pressure and other prescription meds mommy and daddy don’t lock up had a more respectable second-place showing (23.5%).

But the perennial favorite, the Cadillac of herbal remedies, the crap your kids will reach for first whenever it’s time to get the party started was, is and forever will be (56.3%) — the stash of marijuana you didn’t think they knew you kept in the back corner of your sock drawer.

… So that’s where it went! Goddamned Little Lebowski Urban Achievers …

March 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm 1 comment

Leave Miss Football Alone!!

photo02The New York Giants are totally hatin’ on Miss Football, y’all!

All Sondra Fortunato did was stuff her ginormous chi chi balls into a small-ish Santa Claus robe-type thing, cram her cootch into a bathing-suit bottom and push her piggies into some sweet-ass hooker heels before making her way to Giant Stadium this weekend — 20 kinds of prepared to cheer on her team.
::: Be a hussy! Be-E a hussy! :::

Instead she got herself 20 kinds of kicked OUT!
::: HARSH! :::

She swears she doesn’t belong on the naughty list — she’s just “well-endowed.”
“You couldn’t even see my underwear.”
::: I hear that happens when you don’t wear any … :::

She figures other women “got jealous and complained.”
::: b-cup bitches be hatin’! ::: 

Ahh, but it was security for the Big Blue Wrecking Crew who weren’t havin’ it.
They escorted her out, telling her to cover that shit UP … for the chirrenz.

Personally, I think the janky ho deserves a medal or a plaque or at least a little stick-on decal for being able to reign in that kind of chesticular fury!
Fun is fun ’till one of those bad boys breaks free and takes out a toddler!

December 16, 2008 at 11:33 am 9 comments


Are You a Teleflora Non Mom?Ahh Mother’s Day … a time to tell that special someone just how much she has meant to your life.
Are YOU that special someone? Did YOU get mad props from your shorties and/or their père for all your hard work and sacrifice on their behalf?
Oh, I sure hope you did — I’m sure YOU deserved it.

But not you Non-Moms out there.
Y’all don’t count.

See, until this past weekend, I (like everyone else) was going around, doing my day to day all the while erroneously tagging undeserving women with the ‘mom’ label.
Silly me!
I was adhereing to the socially-accepted dictionary definition that a mother is:
1.) A female parent
2.) One’s female parent
3.) A mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother
4.) A term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent

But now I know that’s wrong — and I have the non-traditional family haters at Teleflora to thank for setting me straight!
Thank you Teleflora!

See, the flower clowns put on this Mother’s Day contest called ‘America’s Favorite Mom’ where people could go online and vote for their favorite bombofamom. Then Donnie and Marie Osmond would crown a Queen Mommybee in each of five handy categories — right there on national television (via NBC)!

The mom-egories Teleflora’s crack marketing team decided were most appropriate were:
1.) Single Mom (big ups to her)
2.) CEO Mom (that bitch does EVERYTHING!)
3.) Military Mom (Saaaa-LUTE!)
4.) Working Mom (because being in the Military isn’t work …)
5.) Non-Mom

Non-Mom?!? Whassat?

I’m so glad you asked!!!
According to Teleflora, a Non-Mom is:
1.) A grandmama raisin’ any of her baby’s babies
2.) A stepmom
3.) An adoptive mom

In other words, if YOU haven’t brought forth human life from your hoo-ha, then YOU are a Teleflora Non-Mom. And that makes YOU and your non-kids one big non-family! YAY!

How did it come to pass, I wonder …

Business man thinking“Well, they are out there, Charles. I’ve seen them! There’s one in my building– her husband’s kids.”
“Oh yes, Rick I know what you mean. I think I saw one at the park the other day. Old woman with two in a stroller. Grandkids or something …”
“I know exactly what you guys are talking about! Jeff and I were just talking about those women who adopt other people’s children? You know, they want to be a mom but they’re defective, obviously, and can’t so they have to go and buy a kid somewhere, right? Those women? What do we CALL those women?”
“Well Dan, I think that — for the purposes of this marketing campaign — we should call them Non-Moms. Yes! that sounds right. NON-MOMS!”

:::  Well, that’s how I imagine the brainstorming session in the Teleflora marketing office had to have gone when organizing the categories. If there was a bra in the room when that name was approved, she should turn in her woman card right now. :::

So there it was. Promotional items created. Web page launched. The contest was a go …
… until some Non-Moms saw it and became just this side of outraged by Teleflora’s tremendous twittitude.

Seems some nons made some calls and got all UP in some Teleflora shit and then Prest-O Change-O — the website gets an update, which included a pretty miserable mea culpa (the most lameass attempt I’ve ever seen to make up for insulting, debasing and demoralizing an entire class of the child-rearing world).

Too late!!
The letter-writing and phone-call campaigns are ON!!
Hate mail for everyone!! Woo hoo!!

Want to play along at home? (of course you do …)
Heeeeerrrrre’s your info:
America’s Favorite Mom
1.800.225.7435 /

Email for Donny and Marie Osmond /

1.800.835.3356 / 310.231.9199 (main corporate headquarters)

May 12, 2008 at 2:05 pm 9 comments

Hammer time!

Antwon Anderson killed his mother with a hammerAsk Antwon Anderson what he’s getting dear ol’ mom for Mother’s Day and he’ll tell you a big ol’ cuppa NUTHIN’ – that’s what!

That’s because he ‘bashed her head in’ with a hammer last night for no apparent reason after she went to bed.

::: I don’t think that’s what she meant when she said ‘light’s out’ Antwon! :::

Such a tragedy. Oh how oh how could it have been prevented when there was just NO WAY to have foreseen a deed as dastardly as this being committed by a 19-year-old who has been arrested 15 times over the last 8 years for crimes ranging from disturbing the peace to assault.

Last year he had moved back to Palm Beach County, but was recently asked to leave a relative’s house there.


His own relatives were turning him out …

No indication whatsoever  that Antwon might actually, like, fur realz hurt someone some day.

‘cept dear ol’ mom …

Man, if only there’d been some sign … some warning … 

He can save the money he might have spent on a nice bottle of perfume or pretty card mom and use it in the prison commissary.

Yup, no need to worry about this  troubled youth … he has pretty eyes — he’ll be popular in the pen!

April 23, 2008 at 9:23 pm

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