Posts tagged ‘Mississippi’


He’d creep up into your crib, drop his drawers and insist on sex with your spouse and spawn, of course!

Just ask Jesus 65-year-old Jean Timms of Gun Town (yep, you read that right), Mississippi, who let himself into an abode in Franklin, Alabama and told the startled homeowner that he was the savior himself and was there to have sex with the man’s wife and daughter.


After a couple of minutes passed with no water turning to wine, harps and cherubs appearing or diseases being miraculously cured, the Lamb lunatic of God got all ‘ok, haha, ya got me … I’m really Elvis Presley’ … then he dropped his pants.


Cue the 911 call and here come the boys in blue, who found Jes … Elv … WHACKJOB just outside the house with his pants still pulled down.

Upon his arrest, Timms pulled a true switcheroo and claimed he was REALLY the grandson of Harry Houdini and could escape from anywhere – ANYWHERE, BITCHES!!!!!

… ‘cept those skills clearly need work cuz’ The Great Disappointment is still sitting in the Franklin County Jail … without bail.


Franklin County District Attorney Joey Rushing – in an uncanny rendition of FUCKING OBVIOUS! – said, “Just based on the circumstances of the arrest, we’ll be asking the state to conduct a mental evaluation on the suspect when the time comes.”

ya think?!


March 31, 2010 at 10:21 am 2 comments

A Thing of Beauty …

Jim Eastabrook is a man who knows what he wants.
Jim Eastabrook is a man who goes for it.

Look at that hot piece! ————>

Oh yes – I want to meet Jim Eastabrook.

The Jiminator’s a wheeler-dealer car man – nay – he is THE wheeler-dealer car man in the plot of picayune property we call Pascagoula, Mississippi.
But that’s not why I want to meet him.

The Eastabunny is gettin’ his strategerie on with plans to truck his Toyota dealership to new some spankin’ new diggs.
But that’s not why I want to meet him.

I want to meet Jim Eastabrook because my eyes are starving and only a wig as wondrous as his can curb the craving.

^^^^Look at that hot (hair)piece! ^^^^

Nobody rocks a rug like Jim Eastabrook!

I want to be in his presence so that I can behold the magnificent craftsmanship of his manufactured mop! I bet it took the nimble fingers of all 32 child laborers at the factory to produce such a perfect product!

It’s beautiful!
The way the salt runs right up to but just barely, ever so slightly intrudes upon the pepper … genious! And all of that appearing in direct contrast to the hues of the absolute forest of follicles in his overgrown eyebrows … sheer brilliance!!!

I want to run my fingers through Jim Eastabrook’s weave.
I want to know if Jim Eastabrook uses glue or tape adhesive to keep that postiche in place.
I want to stand next to Jim Eastabrook in the town square … no, City Hall! … NO! in front of the Krispy Kreme after the HOT NOW sign is turned on and proclaim to all the land just what hot is …

John Keats was so right.


January 6, 2010 at 11:14 am 10 comments

Prayz Jezuz

Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!


A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.


Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!

December 30, 2009 at 11:17 am 5 comments

I bet THIS wasn’t on his Bucket List!

The dumb skank who admits she knowingly got into a car with a possibly drunk Morgan Freeman last August is now suing that hot piece for negligence, saying she wants to ‘clear her name from claims she was his mistress’.
::: And bank some sweet coin, of course! :::

Demaris ‘Do My Eyes Make Me Look Like A Crazy Gold-Digging Whore’ Meyer held an L.A. news conference where she whined about being labeled the ‘other woman’, channeled her inner Blogojevich and vowed to fight, Fight, FIGHT until cleanliness and dignity are restored to her allegedly once-good name.
::: … uh huh, good luck with that … :::

“I had hoped and prayed that Mr. Freeman or his representatives would have set the record straight and cleared my name, but they have not done so and that is why I have chosen to come forward to tell the truth about our relationship,” she bellyached to a handfull of people who, if we’re being honest here, probably only showed up to see what a potential Freeman fuckbuddy looked like.
::: … now we know? :::

According to her four-page lawsuit, she hopes to squeeze the Oscar-winner for pastpresentandfuture medical expenses, short-term memory loss , pain and suffering, some kind of short-term memory loss, pastpresentandfuture lost wages, permanent disability for short-term memory loss and other damages. Oh, and some sort of loss of memory … or something … and, uhh, don’t forget that big fucking truckload of money, bitches!!
::: … because nothing screams ‘Innocent Choir Girl’ louder than a legal shakedown … :::

The whole almost-hookup apparently happened because a mutual friend invited her to a dinner party so she could fuck meet the actor. She went, they dined, they got their drink on, they left and went back to the mutual friend’s house, they got their drink on there, then Miss Daisy jumped in Hoke’s Nissan and were makin’ the dash to his pad when things got all crashy.
::: … just your typical first-date stuff … :::

According to her [bullshit] lawsuit, she was in Freeman’s car only because he kindly offered to let her spend fucky times the night at his home — seeing as how “it would be much closer for Ms. Meyer to travel to her place of employment the next morning from Mr. Freeman’s home” than from the home of their mutual friend.

Uh huh … ‘cept Freeman’s house is in Charleston, Mississippi (89.5 miles from Meyer’s Memphis abode) and the friend lives in Clarksdale, Mississippi (77.6 miles from Memphis) — which would make it, like, NOT closer and stuff?

Oh but hey, in her defense, anyone stupid enough to get  in a car with someone they admit [in writing — filed with the courts] had been drinking, really isn’t the kind of brainiac who can be reasonably expected to handle simple geography or exhibit any of her own accountability or, you know,  personal responsibility or anything … right?




February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm 13 comments

FYI – this is what a credible threat looks like

We point and laugh now when Osama bin Laden emerges from his cave of wicked villainy just long enough to issue a murderous edict, test his Panzerfaust 3 or order some yummy Chinese takeout — but when some douchebag Cheesehead loser gets all threateny regarding my boyfriend well, THAT is some shit you just know we’re gonna check three thousand kinds of out!

Wisconsin’s own greasy Propecia posterboy – Steven Joseph Christopher – was taken into custody by the Secret Service in Mississippi yesterday and charged with threatening to assassinate The People’s Prince for what he claimed was “the country’s own good.”

steven-joseph-christopherAuthorities said numbnuts made the threats against O’Baby on January 11 and 15 on the Web site

“Yes, I have decided I will assassinate Barack Obama. It’s really nothing personal about the man,” dipshit said. “But I know it’s for the country’s own good that I do this.”
::: Can you say delusional-loser-with-significant-self-esteem-issues-and-a-raging-case-of the-‘I-am-somebody’s’???  I CAN!!! :::

An affidavit from Secret Service Special Agent Kelly Adcox quotes wannabe murderboy as saying he’s not making these dumbass threats because of racism or anything wicked or sinister like that — oh no — he’s no racist, so pay nooooo attention whatsoever to his totally unbigoty ‘Fuck You, Jew’ YouTube clipette.
::: Apparently prejudice is the ‘New Black’ … :::

No one seems to know for sure what the fuck this fucking idiot was doing in America’s Armpit at the time of his arrest, but online court records in Wisconsin — which is like so not Mississippi and stuff —  show someone with three first names and with the same birthdate as chowdahead was charged last February in Wisconsin with knowingly violating a domestic abuse restraining order.

After viewing his Youtube Psychoanalysis of You video – it’s pretty clear that Wisconsin paid the Southern Whorestate to take him in, give him shelter and a camcorder so that when his eventual arrest DID happen it would be with a Mississippi dateline.
::: Well played Wisconsin! Well played! :::

Dumbass also used his online postings to solicit funds for bus fare — which everyone knows is  THE preferred travel method of hitmen, assassins and general ne’er do wells worldwide — to Washington, D.C.

“And I’ll need a leak in the secret service to get a close up shot, somewhere close to the podium, since I’ve never fired a gun, so I need to an easy shot off. Wattdysay fellas? Any help?”

Poor Stevie – you just know he’s sitting in his padded cell, drooling uncontrollably while picking lint from his belly button and wondering where it all went wrong … just how – OH HOW GOD HOW – his foolproof plan could have gone so horribly awry.

January 17, 2009 at 3:18 pm 20 comments

Food for thought

We’re Number One!!
We’re Number One!!
We’re Num … wait. What?

Crap. Wrong kind of number one …
According to a weighty government survey, the South is (once again) the portliest part of the good ol’ US of A.

Can we please be number one for something positive?!?

Maybe I’m overreacting.
After all, the findings are pretty much the same as they were in each of the the three previous years this fat-finding mission was performed.
::: hooray for artery-clogging consistency?!? :::

Mississippi, the perpetual red-headed stepchild of America, has reigned as Queen Supreme Pudgie Pot every year since 2004. But the rest of the region got surprisingly supersized and now the competition is ON!

Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia and Louisiana all embraced their inner backfat and have been bringin’ the chunk harder than ever!
Collectively, these four fatties have made so much peace with being obese that there’s almost nothing that sets them apart from Mississippi when it comes to the all important fat stat.
::: heavy thigh :::

Making up the ‘Top Ten Most Ginormous and Jiggliest States’ are:
1. Mississippi, now with 32.0% more lardass
2. Alabama, showing a sizeable 30.3 % bigger spare tire
::: You are my Heart of Dixie!! Just a little more bacon and you can be Number One, girlfriend!! :::
3. Tennessee, showing 30.1% heavier thunder thighs
4. Louisiana, packing 29.8% more junk in the trunk
5. West Virginia, with a whopping 29.5% bigger deep-fried backside
6. Arkansas, proudly packin’ on 28.7% more blubber butt
7. South Carolina, balancing picnic plates on 28.4% bigger buddha bellies
8. Georgia, cramming cookies into 28.2% chunkier cheeks
9. Oklahoma, outdoing itself with 28.1% more Oreo eating
10. Texas, bringing up a fabulously fattier rear with it’s 28.1% more flabtastic weigh-in

‘Experts’ think the traditional Southern diet — high in fat and fried food — may be partly to blame.

::: Oh yes! Finally – a CLUE!!! :::Another


Bacon Doughnut Egg Burger, Belva?

July 18, 2008 at 6:16 pm 5 comments


HillbillyOk, so TypeWriter thinks I’m going to be escorted back across state lines as soon as I cross into dear ol’ Abalamma, the Cackalackees or Sippumissee (he may be right 😉 … and someone going by the handle ‘hoss boss’ emailed the Cookie (but didn’t have the stones to post it) his negative thoughts about my phonetical writings.

Bew Hew …

I’ve come to terms with my twang, but I am cognizant of the fact that not many others understand it (or can read it) and it downright angers some.

Due to the various reactions, sideways looks and snide remarks I’ve received in my many years living outside the South**, I have mastered the art of toning it down when forced to do so. That does not apply to Life Is A Cookie. My blog, my rules, my lingo.


**Note: While Florida is located in the southern part of the United States, it is not now nor will it ever be considered part of THE South. That’s just the way it is. Period. Don’t even argue — not even you Panhandlers!

And so, with all of the previous garbage in mind, when the mood strikes or when I have nothing better to do, I will attempt an education of sorts regarding  the bastardized English that simply is the de facto language of the South – Suthuhneze.

Lesson One is a common contraction:
(Oh.Vair) [Oew-vahhr]

Used in a sentence:
Hay Ray, ken yew git me thaht wrahnch settin’ oh’vair? 

Similar contractions include:

Can you use them in a sentence?

May 20, 2008 at 10:04 am 4 comments

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