Posts tagged ‘military’

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!

I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.


But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!



It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

God is good ’till he gets your ass FIRED!

Newspaper Headline: Home Depot worker wears ‘under God’ button, then gets fired

Story (nutshell version): Guy wears ‘One nation under God’ button to work at Home Depot, gets verbal warnings to cut it out but nothing happens ’till he starts bringing his Bible to the biz — then things got all employment terminationey and now he’s whining that Home Depot is anti-God and anti-troops.

Editorial Comment: Seriously?
This shit again?
Not news.

Bottom Line: You tried to get away with something. It didn’t work. Get over it.

Like most businesses, Home Depot has a dress code policy states noncompany buttons, regardless of their message or content, are not allowed.
Don’t like it? Don’t work there.

Company spokesdude Craig Fishel said Home Depot has a “proud history” of supporting the military, and that it sanctions several of its own buttons for employees to wear, including one that reads: “United We Stand.”

United We Stand … yep, I think that’s generally regarded as a universally supportive sentiment. Uh huh.

But Trevor Keezer’s buttonation wasn’t really just about supporting the troops.
“You can’t have country without God,” he said
::: actualy, Trev – you can :::

“Every pin they showed me had no ‘God’ on it or anything.”
::: OH GOD! :::

“I was told [my button] had to come off, or I would be sent home. So they sent me home for six straight days without pay. And then today they terminated me,” he said.
“It never crossed my mind to take off the button because I’m standing for something that’s bigger than I am.
::: Hmmm, bigger than you are … maybe I use that copout so I can wear my ‘Republitards are child touchers’ baby tee to work … :::

“They kept telling me the severity of what you’re doing and I just let God be in control and went with His plan.”
::: Looks like God’s the new Donald Trump, biatch! :::

Keezer says he didn’t set out to make a religious statement [yes he did], but now that he has, he believes he’s done the right thing. [Of course he does – he has to! It makes the unemployment line more tolerable.]

Listen kid, you must just be really new to the whole world of work … so let me break it down for you:
Employers actually do have the right (and sometimes obligation) to tell your hourly ass exactly what you can and cannot wear — otherwise we’d be run amok with camel toe, Daisy Dukes and decolletage …
::: Passable on a Saturday night at One Eyed Jack’s but not so much for the 9-5 :::

… or worse! — Klan garb, religious ridiculousness or *ACK* Palin paraphernalia!

Trust me kid — nobody wants that shit!


October 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm 7 comments

That’s lardcore, yo!

CONGRATULATIONS fellow citizens!

The number of us bringing the megachunk now outweighs the number of us merely bringing the chub.
::: … reach for the stars, America. Reach for the stars!! ::: 

Three quarters of the McNation is haulin’ around an unparalleled amount of sauce-stained McMeatiness.
::: Go big or go home, bitches! :::

Numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics show that more than 34 percent of Americans are classified as grossly obesified fry chompers, compared to 32.7 percent in the heifernated lardbutt category … and let’s not forget the just under 6 percent of superachievers who aren’t about to let a little thing like quadruple bypass stand in the way of becoming the first-class bumper flippers the high school lunch ladies always knew they could be.
::: Because not everyone has what it takes to McBiggiesuperwhopperenormify every meal! :::

And while überblimpiosity is good for Alli, therapists, Lane Bryant and tallow peddlers – can you guess what it’s bad for?

If you’re thinking your heart, your health, your health insurance, your children, your pocketbook, your  relationships, your self-esteem, your tire pressure, the elastic life of your underwear or your instep … well, yeah – ok, I gotta give you those …

… but, apparently, America’s cottage-cheese is really bad for the ARMY!!!

soldierSee, we’re in the ten thousandth year of war in bringing democracy to Iraq and we are plumb running out of POGs and Cherries!!

The Army has been dismissing so many overweight applicants that its top recruiter, in an effort to keep human target troop numbers up, is considering starting a fat farm.
::: The Army is all OVER America’s hush hush super secret love affair with flab!! NOW we’re gonna get somewhere!! ::: 

Major General Thomas Bostick, head of the Army Recruiting Command, wants to see a formal diet and fitness regimen implemented at the Fort Jackson joint tasked with helping aspiring troops earn their GEDs.
::: Schlock and Yawn ::: 

Mr. Ijustgotaclue says obesity is going to be a bigger challenge in the years ahead than the other problems keeping wannabes out of uniform – and that includes psychosociopathic tendencies and bail-jumping lack of a high school diploma, misconduct and health issues other than their ginormous backsides.
::: NO. WAY! Really?!?::: 

He believes only the Army’s special brand of abuse training can help the fatties be all they can be. 

“It took them 18 years to get to where they are at, so it’s very difficult for them to lose the kind of weight that they need to on their own,” Mr. Ilikestatingtheobvious said.

And if the fun of forced 18-mile runs, barbell beatdowns and Code Red *surprises* doesn’t take the weight off – there’s always the Guantanamo Diet!

Eat your heart out Jenny Craig, they’re in the Army now!

I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Not to play with my fat fold!
I don’t know but it’s been said,
My fatass could make me dead!
Sound off!
Sound off!



January 12, 2009 at 4:21 pm 14 comments

Christmas Eve Inquiry

As Ol’ Man Winter puts the screws to holiday travel plans for thousands, Norad’s putting the final touches on this year’s hi-res Santa Cam to let the kiddies know – down to the nanosecond – just exactly when his jolly fatness will be droppin’ their loot.
::: YAY – SANTA LOJACK!!! :::

Google announced Tuesday afternoon that children — and even all the big kids out there — will be able to track St. Nick’s journey around the world using Google Maps and Google Earth.
::: Fat man’s comin! Fat man’s comin! :::

But for those not fortunate enough to travel on a craft fueled by positive thoughts, sugar and reindeer, Christmas Eve isn’t quite as fun … or easy.
::: You mean Detroit doesn’t make that model for everyone? ::: 

Snowstorms have crippled airports, highways and rail lines across the country, stranding travelers for hours, days and, in some cases – throughout the entire holiday.

We were on our way to the airport and my grandma called and said the flight was canceled,” said Blaine Skelton, 21, who spent last Christmas in Iraq, is stationed at Camp Pendleton and was traveling with his wife.

Skelton’s no longer counting on getting home for Christmas because the next available flight is three days after the holiday. Worse yet, this will probably be his last chance to visit family members before he is deployed again.

… which begs the question:

December 24, 2008 at 11:24 am 1 comment

Better late than never, I suppose …

Only took 63 years or so but officials finally, officially, realized and recognized just what, exactly, the Tuskegee Airmen did for the United States. Well, in the pathetically late-to-the-party way Alabama lawmakers typically do … but I digress …

Good things DO come to those who wait … and wait … and wait.

Thousands of people from across the country attended the opening ceremony Friday afternoon at Moton Field in Tuskegee, Alabama.

The Tuskegee Airmen had their beginning here at Moton Field and dared to make a difference,” the Rev. William C. Lennard said. “They did it for God, for themselves and for every citizen of the United States of America. Their persistence, dedication and fortitude enabled them to overcome all manner of challenges.”

The airmen fought Adolf Hitler overseas and Jim Crow on American soil, being degraded as second-class citizens and watching as German prisoners of war were treated better than them.

Don’t look for snark here today, folks. This is a good, WAY longass overdue not-as-good-as-they-deserved-tribute to a class of people who completely outclassed everyone else in their day!

If you don’t know about the Tuskegee Airmen — shame on you.

October 11, 2008 at 11:29 pm 1 comment

Obama’s Uncle was a Commie?!?

Barack ObamaWell no. Not really.
Barry was just, uhh, confused.

See, normally  when my imaginary boyfriend Barry speaks, sunshine, puppies and happy, shiny smiley faces fly out of his mouth.
But during a speech this Memorial Day he was spittin’ Jew every  whichaway!!


Oh yes!
Seems The People’s Prince was absent the day they taught a certain part of World War II history.
Pity that cause there would be one BIG Ol’ half of MY family who would love to give him some thankful Jewish lovin’ for settin’ our people free … if only it weren’t a big ol’ lie verbal misunderstanding.

Beautiful Barry wove his fantastical tale of truly unbelievable patriotism before an invitation-only crowd at in southern New Mexico where he spoke about an unnamed uncle who was part of the American brigade that liberated Auschwitz.


Yeah … seems the speechwriter family historian forgot that it was a group of Soviets who, on January 27, 1945, entered the deathcamp and set free more than 7,000 remaining prisoners.

::: Maybe Barry’s folks were there earlier and just couldn’t fit everyone into the Humvee?? Ya think?? :::

He said the apparently untrue ‘family legend’ being twisted to suit this specific event for the explicit purpose of garnering political support is that, upon returning from war, his uncle spent six months in an attic.

“Now obviously, something had really affected him deeply, but at that time there just weren’t the kinds of facilities to help somebody work through that kind of pain,” Obeautiful said as he segued into a clever buncha words about his support for the GI Bill.

“In World War II we didn’t have the concept of post-traumatic stress syndrome.”

::: I guess they didn’t have stairs up to the attic either :::

“People had to basically handle it on their own.” he explained. “That’s why this idea of making sure that every single veteran, when they are discharged, are screened for post-traumatic stress disorder and given the mental health services that they need – that’s why it’s so important.”

And with that all was good and right with the world because, once again, the muddled message did, indeed, have a bigger meaning.

::: Ahhhh, sooooooothing Barrrrrrryyyyyy :::

You know, the side of me in love with Barry the idea of real, true, pure hope in the possibility of real, true, pure change wants to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and agree that, you know, if one of my family members came back from what will be his third tour-of-duty in Iraq and told us all how his unit freed the people of Darfur … well, I too would want to get my delusional relative the much-needed help they so rightly deserved — just like my daydream believer!

Well, all of that except … well … ALL of that, goddammit!!

Yeah, see, I don’t think I’d use a made-up family ‘memory’ to curry election-year favor with voters only marginally in tune with my message. But hey, I’m not a politician. They have to lie to get elected … even Mr. Obeautiful himself, it seems.

But damn lover! Did you have to go to the land of Pandermonium so soon?!?

May 27, 2008 at 9:49 pm 5 comments

How will Bush ‘celebrate’ Memorial Day?

Iraq Military Casualties of War - the children

As Americans get ready for their much-anticipated three-day weekend Monday’s observance of the Memorial Day holiday, one naturally wonders … ‘How does our President plan to honor the fallen for whom he is directly responsible?’

Iraq Military Casualties of War

Whatever contrived public display of insincere emotion he is scripted feels compelled to show, we hope he is haunted by the fact that — as of Thursday, May 22, 2008 — at least 4080 members of the U.S. military have died in the Iraq war since it began in March 2003. Shall we talk about the others?

Fallen US Soldiers

Yeah, those are oursMission Accomplished, indeed.

PEACE, fucker!

May 23, 2008 at 10:14 pm 4 comments

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