Posts tagged ‘michelle obama’

SOOOOO CLOSE!!!


I was there!
She was there!!
HE WAS THERE!!!

Every ingredient needed for a scrumptious Obama sandwich complete with juicy Cookie filling was there!
But alas … the most fantabulously fantasized ménage à trois ever dreamed about, hoped and wished for … was not to be.

While I was busy getting my Broadway fill of Reasons to be Pretty, Avenue Q and God of Carnage (go fucking see every one of these right fucking NOW!!!) … my boyfriend and the HBIC were one singular solitarily individual day (and just a couple of measly yards) away catching an evening performance of Joe Turner’s Come and Gone.

They even got their eat on over at Blue Hill restaurant!
BLUE HILL RESTAURANT – which is just the other side of Washington Square Park!!
Washington Square Park, people!!!  Which is the teensiest hop, skip and a jump’s distance from Cooper Square!!!!
COOPER SQUARE, BITCHES!! Which is where yours truly (when she wasn’t boozin’ it on Broadway, taking in Times Square or bustin’ her move in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn) was spending groovy graduation times with the next generation’s most bestly truly talenteds!!!

ACK!!!

CURSE YOU MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!

::: Well, actually curse YOU Secret Service, White House peeps and  political operatives everywhere for  failing to cut a bitch in on the crucial info! :::

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June 1, 2009 at 12:29 pm 1 comment

The Inside (pooper) Scoop


OMG!
Whew!!
I am so relieved!!!

Our long national nightmare may finally, actually, for REAL this time be, like, a serious kind of over!!!

Reports have surfaced that the rainbow king has made the ultimate headway!
True Progress!!
A FINAL DECISION!!!

Yes, my friends — at long last — we have a breeeeeeed!!

The crack investigative team over at People Magazine has revealed that Renegade and Renaissance have decided it will be a Portuguese Water dog for little Radiance and Rosebud.
:::: exhaaaaaaaale :::

“Temperamentally they’re supposed to be pretty good,” the HBIC told the mag. “From the size perspective, they’re sort of middle of the road – it’s not small, but it’s not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that’s where we’re leaning.”

onsdWait. Did she say ‘leaning’?
Leaning?
Leaning??
What is this leaning bullshit?!?
You’ve either decided or you haven’t — it is just. That. SIMPLE!!!

‘Leaning’ indicates an inclination, a proclivity, a liking — it’s not exactly a word that denotes the kind of concrete finality People Magazine led me to believe we were talking about here!

Those fuckers — I, I, I can’t take this stress! The waiting? The wondering?? The worry?!?

Nu nu nu nu nooooooooooo … those little bitches are getting a Portuguese Water dog and that’s that!
Case closed!
Done deal, people!!!

Don’t make me come up there!

February 25, 2009 at 6:47 pm 5 comments

Mock the vote


Sometimes I think my neighbors believe our electoral process is being watched by a little thing I like to call THE ENTIRE WORLD.
::: Sometimes I also think my neighbors have broccoli hair and are filled with pudding instead of lungs and connective tissue and stuff, but that’s another story … :::

Maybe it is, but if there’s one thing you can say about America it’s that we don’t care about the rest of the world. We ARE the world …
::: wait, we’re not?!? :::

And so, with barely five weeks to go and soooooo many issues in dire need of address (economy, war, economy, energy, economy, terror, economy, drugs, economy …) my neighbors actually think we ought to be knee-deep in thought-provoking discussions and debates on those issues.
::: HAHAHAHAHA — like THAT would ever happen! They’re so cute … :::

I bet they’d just love to sit their puddin’ butts down and listen to O’Baby and His Maverick Beefiness talk about boring things like fixing the economy or reducing our dependence of foreign oil or doing something in the Middle East or putting a chicken in every pot or some other bullshit – but where’s the fun in that, broccoli head!?!

Nowhere – that’s where! Besides, who has the time?

Between terrorist fist jabs and spinning words into chains of gold that rain down from the heavens as sunshiny rays of hopification for the massses – exaclty when would my boyfriend have a free moment for your precious ‘issues’?!?

And Big Mac and The Alaskan Hotness? The May-December Mavericks are the only patriots left in the whole country!! They can’t take time out from saving us from ourselves to pay attention to your crybaby political desires!

If you want to hear a bunch of blah blah about ‘issues’ and junk, I suggest you join the Comedy Central Party — the loudmouthed retarded bastard child of the American political process and the only  place you can get your fill of all the crap the other candidates won’t touch.

CC Party nominees Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart won’t lie to you. Why would they? They don’t even know you! It doesn’t matter to them who you vote for.
Oh hell, for all they care – you can take your vote and shove it!
And, because they don’t care, you know you can trust them. See?
::: Ficticious comedianidates you can believe in! :::

YAY!!!!!
Noooo – I’m just kidding, broccolihead.
::: But not about Colbert and Stewart not caring about you.
They don’t.
Really. :::

I’m kidding about that whole political party thing.
::: kinda like the real candidates! :::
There are no comedianidates running for office.
::: I know, it’s hard to accept … be strong! :::

Sad to say, but the upcoming issue of Entertainment Weekly is probably closest that pair will ever get to the Oval Office.

On the cover, they’re either totally making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … OR … they’re making fun of making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … ORRRR … they really are militant terrorists out to get you!!!! 

HAHAHAHAHA – just kidding, West Virginians!!

Seriously guys, put your guns away!
It’s a spoof, you know? A parody? Made up stuff that’s supposed to be funny????

… mountain people …

September 26, 2008 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

Were you there?


If you were — we’d LOVE to hear from you. Seriously — email!

Rumor has it that the dried-up, has-been country twanger you see here trotted out his geetawr and a whole mess o’ stupidass, inbred, backward whitebred retardation at a concert in Montgomery, Alabama over the weekend.
::: What? You expected L.A.? :::

Johnny Lee is said to have told what I imagine was a pretty gnarly assortment of mono-toothed, hilbillies:
“They’re going to turn the Rose Garden at the White House into a watermelon patch.”
::: I am sooo telling Shelly! :::

Folks who were there also say Lee told the crowd that my boyfriend wouldn’t even be alive today to run for president if his parents had obeyed the miscegenation laws.
::: My guess is that Lee wouldn’t be alive today if his mom hadn’t pigfucked behind the barn on bailin’ day :::

Toby Keithification: 1
Hopification: 0
::: sad face :::

August 18, 2008 at 6:07 pm

Elitist pol lambastes elitist mag’s lampoon


Ruh roh … we’ve barely finished our first cup of coffee and already we have controversy!

Seems some folks who shall remain nameless but whose initials are Everyone Running for President of the United States of America feels The New Yorker magazine went a wee bit too far with the Obama cover art for their new issue.

The illustration is called ‘The Politics of Fear’ and shows a gun totin’ Michelle and Muslim-garbed Barry doin’ the old FOX News terrorist fist jab in the Oval Office while Old Glory burns in the fireplace under a portrait of Osama bin Laden.

What?
Too much?

Seems both The People’s Prince and Big Mac thought so.
O’Baby called the artwork tasteless and offensive and Mav said – ‘uhh, yeah, what he said.’
::: HARSH! :::
No word on what Ron Paul or Cynthia McKinney thought about it, but never fear – I’m sure the ink is drying on those rubber-stamp statements as I type.

No strangers to controversy themselves, the staff at The New Yorker defended the illustration, saying it was meant to mock right-wing depictions of O’Beautiful and his bride (and anyone who didn’t get the hee hee is just a big ol’ stupid, crybaby, poo poo head who should just shut UP already … uhh, or something like that).

“I think the idea that the Obamas are branded as unpatriotic [let alone as terrorists] in certain sectors is preposterous,” artist Barry Blitt wrote in an email to The Huffington Post. “It seemed to me that depicting the concept would show it as the fear-mongering ridiculousness that it is.”

‘Cept Blitt forgot two very important things:

1. His special brand of highbrow toon-time isn’t exactly appreciated by the masses, and by ‘the masses’ I mean folks like those West Virginia asshats who already think my boyfriend is a terrorist and seeing him jokingly portrayed as one in a cartoon is just the kind of rock-solid, irrefutable proof they’re looking for.

2. Obamamania is hopifying the entire world – and you media types are welcome to join the party and bask in the glow of Barry’s audaciousness … as long as your questions aren’t, well, too probing and you stay away from pesky topics like:
religion
(unless he brings it up)
or race
(unless he brings it up, confirms the acceptance of bringing it up or is responding out of sheer necessity to the fact that some other entity did, in fact, bring it up)
or patriotism
(unless he mentions, visits a base somewhere or does a photo-op with a headbandaged soldier on crutches) 
or the fam
(unless he arranges for an Acccess Hollywood interview with Maria Menunos to show that down-home-y side we never get to see)
or … well, just start keeping a list, guys. It’ll be easier that way.

July 14, 2008 at 1:53 pm 9 comments

‘No Shit’ headline of the day


huh?Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain are study in contrast

REALLY!?!
Ugh

But hey, at least there’s something to read there … unlike this nugget from yesterday.

Seriously — it’s gonna seem like FOREVER until the election if this crap is supposed to pass for ‘news’.

June 10, 2008 at 10:15 am 4 comments



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