Posts tagged ‘McDonald’s’

When crazy calls …

There seems to be some kind of fascination in Florida recently with calling 9-1-1 whenever some shithead gets his panties in a bunch.

First there was Jacksonville’s Reginald wrongwayPeterson, who singlehandedly spearheaded this super stupidity by calling 9-1-1 not once, but twice to complain to police that his Subway sandwich was not made to his liking.
::: Jared would NOT approve! :::

Then came copycat complainer Jean Fortune of Boynton Beach who called the cops when the local Burger King ran out of lemonade.
::: Clearly, the irony of the whole ‘when life hands you lemons’ lesson was lost on Mr. Fortune. :::

Not to be outdone by the men’s team in the Get A Fucking Clue Championships, Latreasa Goodman of Ft. Pierce suffered a mcdsupersized McNugget meltdown when her local Mickey D’s ran out of the deep-fried pressed ‘chicken’ parts.

“This is an emergency! If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency,” Goodman griped in one of her two 9-1-1 calls.
* Oh DO click the links and give it a listen — you’ll thank me*

And now we have Tampa’s Evon Cavett – who skillfully set her self apart from the rest of that sadsack pack by going full retard without ever leaving home.
::: CRAFTY! :::

This bitch dialed dispatchers not one, not Two, but THREE times to complain that her roommate was trying to take away her beer — but when the cops showed up, Cavett conveniently couldn’t remember calling them in the first place.
::: … et wuzzin mee, occifers … :::

They left and she immediately called 9-1-1 to complain about their visit. I’m sure she would have made all kinds of good points and sincere statements –  but the emotional toll of being such a colossal dumb fuck was too much for even Evon and she started to cry.
She sobbed “It hurts my feelings” before doing a quick attitudinal 180 and evoncblurting out, “Look, if you’re going to lock me up, come here and lock me up! You heard that?”
::: All bets are off when you let Natty Light do the talking! :::

Not long after hanging up on her second ’emergency’ call, Sloshy McDrinksalot drunk dialed again, shouting “Come arrest me!” — and shock of shocks – they did!
::: That house coat in her booking mug is HOT! :::

Oh – she’ll be ok. Don’t you worry about old Evon. No sir!
County lockup is like a second home for this wacko ho, who’s prior arrests are a veritable treasure trove of transgressions – including
Battery, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, theft, driving without a license, operating an unregistered vehicle and writing a bad check.

So it’s hardly surprising that she’d lose her shit over some suds.

After being arrested and charged with three misdemeanors, Twitferbrainz posted $1,250 bail and was set free to one day [very soon] delay emergency responders from handling your heart attack … or assisting after reported assault … or tending to a trauma victim …

March 27, 2009 at 4:50 pm 5 comments

Darned SHOOTIN’!

And the award for Most Retarded Display of Selfish Corporate Fuckery goes to …

McDonald’s! – for their patent refusal of Workman’s Compensation benefits to an employee who was shot [at the MCDonald’s where he worked] while trying to defend a woman who was being beaten [at the MCDonald’s where he worked].
::: Way to go, corporate fuckers!! :::

Nigel Haskett’s heroics earned him three abdominal surgeries and a permanent reminder of the universal law that no good deed goes unpunished in the form of a partial bullet — forever lodged — in his back.
::: Who says you can’t take it with you?!? :::

Haskett’s unselfish actions also garnered the highest admiration and respect from his employer.

Noooo — just kidding!

McDonald’s really couldn’t have said ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ more quickly or more clearly.

Facing more than $300,000 in medical bills from the shooting [at the MCDonald’s where he worked], Haskett filed a claim with the state Workers Compensation Commission — to which McDonald’s replied, well,  ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’
::: See! :::

In a letter to the Commission, McDonald’s insurer wrote: “we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett’s injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment.”
::: I’ll bet his timecard begs to differ! :::

The McLawyers say McEmployees are given strict McInstruction to ‘do nothing’ that would put themselves or anyone else in danger during the course of their McWorkday.

Oooook — and, umm, the McCustomers? Any advice on their safety, Mickey D?!?

Ohhhh riiiight – ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ – GOTCHA!

In a clear deviation from Chapter 6, paragraph 13 of McDonald’s We Didn’t See Nuthin’ Customer Beatdown policy, Haskett’s boss Ray Nosler called him a hero for his actions last August and contributed to a fund setup for his employee.

“We are all grateful to Nigel and that’s why it is so unfortunate that he’s having a difficult time with the insurance claim,” Nosler says.  “Because the insurance claim is still pending, I’m not able to say more about it, but I hope his claim will come to a quick resolution and the right thing will be done for my employee.”
::: awwww – i haz cry :::

Video of the incident had been available on YouTube, but now there is a disclaimer that reads: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by McDonald’s Corporation.

They don’t want to own up to any responsibility for what happens in their restaurants but they’ll sure as shit own the evidence!
::: I’m not lovin’ it :::

Eh, McFuckem — you can watch it here.


So what do you think?
Should the Evil Clown Empire cough up some cash or should we just all understand we’re taking our lives in our hands each time we frequent the corporate-sanctioned anything goes, lawless wasteland that is your neighborhood McDonald’s?


February 23, 2009 at 11:34 am 3 comments

Slapped in the face by OBVIOUS

snapshot-2009-01-06-19-17-45Fresh off my most excellent SITE OF THE WEEK super-mega-ultra glue-sniffing endorphine high – I went running, y’all!!
::: … when the bottle’s empty and you’re out of sniffy snax there’s not much else to do except crank out some junk miles … :::

Sweating out the Stoli toxins was just what I needed to clear the mental clutter before my daily ritual of hyper-caffeinated newsiferous updatification!

* ) Some dumb bitch is suing ‘cuz another dumb bitch called her a skank
::: if it walks like a skank and talks like a skank … :::

* ) Crappy schools in Georgia are asking teachers to return their equally crappy ‘raises’
::: … because the children are our future … :::

* ) Hospital leaves part of knife in woman’s head
::: Now THERE’$ your law$uit!! :::

* ) Study: Exercise Won’t Cure Obesity
::: OMG! OMG! DUH OVERLOAD!!!!!… :::

Seems some Loyola University doodooheads suffering from a severe case of Publish or Perish Fever felt their wisest course of action would be to retread the already very, very, very, very, VERY well-trodden ground of  investigatory weight-loss researchification.
::: Ten-Yur! Ten-Yur! :::

And what, pray tell, were the shocktastically shockingly shockworthy findings of this groundbreakingly original investigation???

“Evidence is beginning to accumulate that dietary intake may be more important than energy expenditure level. Weight loss is not likely to happen without dietary restraint,” said a Loyola nutritionist who really needs to leave the Ivory Tower and mingle with the masses every now and then.


Ya wasted a year an’ dropped two-hundred grand on a fuckin’ study ya coulda got for a dollah meal deal at fuckin’ McDahnolds, bitch!

January 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm 10 comments

You say ‘plum tomato’ …

TomatoesI say Olivette!

Red, juicy tomatoes are back, biatches!

The fruit everyone labels a veggie is back from the brink of Salmonella Siberia – at least for some fast-food retailers (for whom quality is, like, fur realz super-duper crucial, man).

McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, Wendy’s — are all bringin’ back the ‘mater for use in the culinary questionables they serve up daily.

Which got me thinking …
Fast food is nasty. Why not just lick the bottom of your shoe and be done with it. No, but really …
Taco Bell serves, umm, actual food?!?
(I always thought it was some sort of  a hangover remedy.)



June 19, 2008 at 10:11 am 1 comment

‘Bama to China: We feel you, dawgs

Map of the state of AlabamaA 3.1 magnitude earthquake has been reported in southwestern Alabama.

The quake occurred at 1:39 p.m., according to the U.S. Geological Survey Web site. It was centered in Bumfukegypt which is directly between Coffeeville in Clarke County and Silas in Choctaw County.

Bumfukegypt Mayor Cleatus Beauregard immediately took to the airwaves in an impassioned plea for aid and supplies …

“We noe them Chahneez fo’ks iz havin’ hahrd tahmz en all – en nahyah we noe wut eet’s lahk … wee’z gonna need hep tew,” he explained.

“Wee’z gonnuh need aahce en terlit pepper en pleeez ‘member wee-yuz runnin’ loe ohn Miller Laht ‘fower thess thang happuhn’d.

“Pleeez thenk uh thuh chi’ren en geeyuhv fruhm yer hahrtz. Thoez keeyuhds’s gunnah be soe sahyud cuz Mackdoenuhld’s tuk uh big ol’ shellackin’ en thess thang.”

We expect damage estimates to begin trickling in as soon as Belva Sempley gets her tractor started.
Stay tuned …


May 16, 2008 at 9:08 pm 2 comments

McLovin’ It!

Red Pine Tree - Minnesota State TreeMinnee-sodan’s are gettin’ their tree on!

Today is the last Friday in April which means it’s Arbor Day and that means you’re supposed to get a shovel, dig a hole and arborize that bitch. But since most of us live in areas too urbanized to find one square inch of dirt from which a tree might grow, the real work of Arbor Day falls to those hearty Mid-and Northwestern types (where land is plentiful because, really, who wants to live there?!?).

Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, McDonald’s has teamed up with Minnesota Forest Industries and some local teevee station to give away thousands of baby Minnesota state trees! YAY TREES!
Customers at any of the 225 participating Minnesota McDonald’s greasepits can get a side of Red Pine seedling with their McMeal today, but no purchase is necessary, so TREES FOR EVERYONE!!
McLovin' It McDonald's sign with Superbad star

April 25, 2008 at 1:00 pm 3 comments

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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