Posts tagged ‘marriage’

Dumb Bitch of the Day

Old and Busted: During a spat with the spouse, the wife gets all ‘Shuddit or move out!’

New Hotness: He does!

It happened this month in Oregon when Pam and William Peterson got all pissy-pants with each other one night and Pammy told ol’ Bill he could just move the fuck out if he didn’t like things her way – so, well, he kinda did!

Dude grabbed some gear and got the hell out, taking what sounds like a truly well-deserved break to get his fish on.

He just forgot one teensy little detail: Informing the missus, who let herself marinate in her madness for a couple of days before going into dumb bitch hyperdrive and filing a missing person’s report on his waywardness.

Seems Will chunked her the deuce and made a break for it on June 6.
When she couldn’t fix the screen door and that lightbulb finally blew he didn’t show up for work a few days later, Pam thought it might be time to give the boys in blue a front-row seat to the soon-to-be public show of her marital discord.

Cornelius Police Commander Ed Jensen said the search for the maligned mate involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search caused by Pam’s pissy hissy.

“On one day we had eight people who devoted all their time to looking for this individual,” he explained. “I don’t know if that was on overtime or not.”

Pity that — especially since Will called the ball-and-chain a week later “to see if he was welcome home.”

Raise a hand if you would LOVE to hear that phone call!!

Pam Peterson told reporters she wanted to apologize for the situation, but said she wouldn’t have anything more to say about it.
::: She’s a woman … there will be more said. :::

Despite being duped this time, Jensen said police will always investigate reports of people who are missing, adding “we need the full story from the start,” Jensen said.

And, as for the po-po getting paid back for their missing person’s probe?
“I’m pretty sure there is no recourse at this time (but) it definitely tied up a lot of resources that, in this day and age of tight budgets, could make a lot of difference.”

Editor’s Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
But no.
This is serious.
Do not try this at home. Don’t do it!
Oh, I know you’ve all wanted to do it and I know it’s tempting – especially when we rain crazy down upon your sorry ass day-in / day-out. But we’re women. We can’t help it. It’s part of our DNA.
So — for serious and totally — don’t even think about trying this at home because sometime, somewhere the sweet precious you call ‘honey’ will bring eternal pain by the bucketload for your completely inappropriate condescension, making you wish you’d poured battery acid in your ears to escape her screechified blah blah, which sounds fine and all — until you try to catch PTI on ESPN and realize you’re no lip-reader.
Yup. Not worth it.


June 16, 2009 at 4:51 pm 1 comment

A senior moment … of AWESOME

It’s June – and you know what that means.


Well, ok – technically, yes … but June is also worldwide wedding calendar HQ.

heart25 LURVE!!!     heart25

old coupleAnd no two peeps personify the feelings of amity, affection, allegiance and appreciation (and amour … we’re guessing amour’s in there somewhere) better than Ebenezer Rose and Monica Hayden, who got themselves a last-ditch kind of hitched this weekend in West Palm Beach.
::: Kudos you crazy kids! :::

93-year-old Eb and 89-year-old Mon got their ‘I Do’ on in front of the customary gathering of friends and rellies sitting patiently through the matrimonial blah blah to get to some sweet-ass coconut cake and flat Hawaiian Punch over ice before the mandatory Macarena’s and Chicken Dancing begins.
::: There really is no bigger fun … :::

The happy couple had been friends for decades, but now come the bennies!!

“She had eyes on me all these years,” confessed the widower, who lost his wife of 58 years about four years ago. “By God’s grace, we’re here.”
Ol’ Eb popped the big Q-T-S to twice-widowed Monica about six months ago.

“I told her, ‘Each of us is living a lonely life. Why not get married?'”


Mazal tov bitches!

Live it up  … no really …


June 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm 3 comments

Prideful prejudice

Oh Alabama!
How you do amuse me with your schizophrenic, small-minded self!

The day House reps passed a resolution praising the bigoted, parochial pettiness that is Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean was the very same day they also approved a bill adding sexual orientation to the state’s hate crimes law


State lawmakers aren’t about to give those gay old gays the same civil rights as you, me, the abusers, drug addicts, molesters and  felons out there who are free to get their ‘I do’ on … but if your gayified gayness garners aggressive behavior? Well, then they’ve got your back.
::: I hear that’s how AG Troy King likes it :::

I think it’s time for a resolution addressing the much-needed addendum to the state’s coat of arms …


Sorry Carrie – that’s just how I was raised …

April 24, 2009 at 1:15 pm 3 comments

Happy Valentine’s Day, sluts!

lurvecookieMr. Cookie, you brazen hussies and hot hunks of manflesh … you make up the Lurve Trifecta that jumpstarts my heart every day and I’d give everyone a big wet one if I could … but I can’t …
::: more for Mr. Cookie!! :::

So channel your inner Cupid and go out and gitcha swerve on!!

Nooooo, not because of this bullshit-made-up-Hallmark-originally-pagan- overcommercialized-you-are-in-sooooo- much-trouble-if-you-don’t-buy-that-bitch -a-present holiday …

…because it is a gozillion kinds of fun (and super-DUPER rewarding, if you know what I mean …) to channel your inner Cupid and go out and get your swerve on!!!

Now get to it!

February 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm 4 comments

Better set your TiVo!

What kind of idiotic lunatic marketing fuckery is this?

CBS Picks Up Arranged-Marriage Reality Series

Ugh – really?
Apparently so.

Not content with just airing soft porn for the kiddies or blatantly exploiting the hell out of ’em, CBS is set to air a show that  introduces four loser wannabe realitards adults – ranging in age from 25 to 45 – who are anxious to be famous for whoring themselves out on national teevee get married but have been unsuccessful … so far.
And the worst best part? It’s their soon to be former friends and family who get to pick the old ball and chain!

What could go wrong?!?
But then, that’s the point of this kind of pathetic ‘programming’, isn’t it?

I’m guessing this one’s gonna be your typical mix-n-match crowd of social misfits thrown together for the sheer hilarity of their pathetic losery non-compatibility.

— Camera cuts to Elbert in the ‘Confession Room’ —
‘I no’d it wuddn’t gonnuh werk wi’ Carol wen she woewer hah heelz en tuk hur breef kase tuh thuh hay rahd.’
— A downcast Elbert shakes his head. Camera cuts to Carol furiously brushing hay from her Vivienne Tam tailored tweed —

What a sidesplitter!!!

Know what I’m thinking???

Fox should come out with a ‘Baptism Battle’ – where only the most conniving, backstabbing tot in the lot earns the right to be saved by Jesus.

And ABC should do ‘American Incest’ – where horrifically fucked up families compete each week for the title of ‘Most Dysfunctional’.
Oh hell, I’d tune in just for the ‘Daddy Put His Hand Where?’ elimination challenge!

And let’s not forget NBC! Those cats should jump aboard the sinking ship that is network television with ‘Fertility Factor’ – where teenage girls try to outslut each other in the race to impregnation and eventual ‘Live This Sunday – Baby Daddy Paternity Test’!!!!

Now that’s quality teevee the whole family can enjoy!

February 3, 2009 at 4:25 pm 4 comments

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