Posts tagged ‘marriage’

Dumbass of the Day


A Florida man – separated from the missus for a measely four days – couldn’t handle not gettin’ handled and decided the most prudent way to procure the poontang was to go full-retard and TAKE IT, BITCHES!

The 24-year-old was *SHOCK* drunk when he went to the house where his bride was residing, removed an air-conditioning unit, climbed through the window and proceeded to TAKE IT, BITCHES!

‘Cept the little woman brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ to that action and called the cops on his alked-up ass.

When police arrived, Drunky McStupid walked away from them, refused to provide identification and was *SHOCK* put in handcuffs.

After being cuffed, he told the officer that he “has not gotten any in three weeks and he was going to get some.”

He was taken to jail – where is he will *SHOCK* surely ‘get some’. ūüėČ

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April 28, 2010 at 11:50 am 1 comment

Pubic Servant


KarzaiHi!
My name is Hamid Karzai.

I like being President of Afghanistan, bowing to political pressure and giving support to hubsters in my ‘hood who wanna get their spousal starvation on!

REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR ME THIS WEEK!

Sad.
But true.

This is what happened:
Human Rights Watch discovered just last week that a revised version of the Shiite Personal Status Law had been *shhh* quietly put into effect at the end of July.

This is why it sucks dick (or, rather, why she has to):
The law gives Shiite men in Afghanistan the legal right to starve their wives if their sexual demands aren’t met. It also mandates that Shiite women must get their husband’s captor’s permission to even leave their houses, ‚Äúexcept in extreme circumstances.‚ÄĚ
::: and by ‘except in extreme circumstances’ they mean ‘except when he razor-rapes her and¬†lights her hair on fire … THEN it’s ok to leave … maaaayyyybe’ :::

Oh but it doesn’t matter now.
See —¬†unlike America where campaign promises go *POOF* as soon as the oath is orated — political allies in Afghanistan get to re-write whole laws ‘n shit if they have enough clout to keep your Ben Kingsley-looking ass in office.

asifmThis latest gem was the brainchild of that hot slut himself — Sheik Muhammad Asif Mohseni —¬†the country‚Äôs most powerful Shiite cleric,¬†who along with¬†other ‘gina-haters were pretty pleased their ‘Bitch Better Blow Me Or It’s Starvation City!’ provision made it through, but reportedly had a serious Shiite-fit when their pedophilic plans to allow pervs to marry girls younger than 16 met with the legal hell naw.
::: Can’t win ’em all, gents! :::

H’i’mabit Kraizee signed the misogynistic measure because he’s an evil, soulless sellout dependent on support from Mohseni in this week‚Äôs presidential election.

Abdullah Abdullah, anyone? Anyone?

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August 18, 2009 at 10:53 am 7 comments

Copy Kellys


Is there some bodysnatchers shit going on up in here?

duoThese two bitches are the same person!

Well no. Not really.
But they are both named Kelly Hildebrandt and they are¬†gettin’ hitched!

The couple met when she-Kelly¬†looked up her name on Facebook to see if she had a dubilicious ditto out there and wouldn’t you just know it? There was¬†he-Kelly.
::: MNT 2 B :::

Three weeks later, K-peen decided ‘enough with shis virtual shit’, bought a ticket and flew his Texan ass to Florida to check out¬†K-vag IRL.

Dude liked the total package, proposed eight months later and now these two sluts are about to get their I Do’s on!
::: Well duuuhhhhh! She is hot :::

But don’t worry. I mean, it’s not like they’re from Alabama or West Virginia or anything.
They say they’ve checked¬†ancestry records from, bnameslike, 250 years or some shit and have¬†confirmed they are¬†not blood relations so consummation is for sures on the up-and-up, which is awesome because that means that, instead of doing something “Hollywoody” and labeling their lambs¬†Xerox and Ditto and Clone, they can continue the title tradition (and lay the groundwork for their own reality series I’ll go out on a limb and predict will be called The Doppelgangers) by pushing little¬†Kelli and Kelee and Kehley around town in their very own¬†Mountain Buggy Urban Triple!!

And when that glorious day comes — somewhere over a fat-blasting G-Broil Supreme, George Foreman¬†will be¬†smiling in approval …

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July 20, 2009 at 2:37 pm 1 comment

Woody would be proud


Demaris Meyer is PISSED!
Despite that pesky lawsuit, she’s¬†probably filled a U-Haul’s worth of notebooks with Demaris Freeman Mrs. Demaris Freeman Mrs. Demaris Meyer-Freeman Mrs. Morgan Freeman scribbles decorated with hearts and flowers and geritol rainbows only to learn that it was all for naught!

The¬†National Enquirer¬†is reporting that¬†72-year-old Morgan Freeman and his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines are going to tie the knot so they can do sexy fucky times all legal-like and shit.

Sucks to be you, Demaris!
But hey — if he¬†can’t keep it¬†¬†in his pants, at least he’s¬†keeping it¬†in the family!
(Thanks KC!)

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July 9, 2009 at 7:23 pm 3 comments

I … can’t …


I have really good shit to say about Mark Sanford breaking state laws to get his fucky times on with some ho in Argentina – especially after all the hypocritical blah blah he spewed¬†about a certain other politician he voted to impeach for lyin’ about a bj …
Oh ho HO yeah!
Really. Good. SHIT!

But I can’t …
… because during my morning world news roundupapalooza I came across the very sad (and shockingly — for me at least — somewhat unexpected) news that my original girl crush, Farrah Fawcett, was given last rites last night.

I’ve been a gozillion percent convinced¬†all along that the¬†mega ‘this ain’t over, biatch’ side-eye¬†Mizz Thang’s been giving the big C would pull her hotness right on through this mess!

A GOZILLION percent!

And so now I’ve lost the heehee because I’m just sad.
Well, sad and curious … Ed + Farrah = 2 … and, well, don’t these gloomies come in three’s?

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June 25, 2009 at 12:51 pm 3 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Old and Busted: During a spat with the spouse, the wife gets all ‘Shuddit or move out!’

New Hotness: He does!

It happened this month in Oregon when Pam and William Peterson got all pissy-pants with each other one night and Pammy told ol’ Bill he could just move the fuck out if he didn’t like things her way – so, well, he kinda did!

Dude grabbed some gear and got the hell out, taking what sounds like a truly well-deserved break to get his fish on.

He just forgot one teensy little detail: Informing the missus, who let herself marinate in her madness for a couple of days before going into dumb bitch hyperdrive and filing a missing person’s report on his waywardness.

Seems Will chunked her the deuce and made a break for it on June 6.
When she couldn’t fix the screen door and that lightbulb finally blew he didn’t show up for work a few days later, Pam thought it might be time to give the boys in blue a front-row seat to the soon-to-be public show of her marital discord.

Cornelius Police Commander Ed Jensen said the search for the maligned mate involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search caused by Pam’s pissy hissy.

“On one day we had eight people who devoted all their time to looking for this individual,” he explained. “I don’t know if that was on overtime or not.”

Pity that — especially since Will called the ball-and-chain a week later “to see if he was welcome home.”

Raise a hand if you would LOVE to hear that phone call!!

Pam Peterson told reporters she wanted to apologize for the situation, but said she wouldn’t have anything more to say about it.
::: She’s a woman … there will be more said. :::

Despite being duped this time, Jensen said police will always investigate reports of people who are missing, adding “we need the full story from the start,” Jensen said.

And, as for the po-po getting paid back for their missing person’s probe?
“I’m pretty sure there is no recourse at this time (but) it definitely tied up a lot of resources that, in this day and age of tight budgets, could make a lot of difference.”

Editor’s Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
But no.
This is serious.
Do not try this at home. Don’t do it!
Oh, I know you’ve all wanted to do it and I know it’s tempting – especially when we rain crazy down upon your sorry ass day-in / day-out. But we’re women. We can’t help it. It’s part of our DNA.
So — for serious and totally — don’t even think about trying this at home because sometime, somewhere the sweet precious you call ‘honey’ will bring eternal pain by the bucketload for your completely inappropriate condescension, making you wish you’d poured battery acid in your ears to escape her screechified blah blah, which sounds fine and all — until you try to catch PTI on ESPN and realize you’re no lip-reader.
Yup. Not worth it.

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June 16, 2009 at 4:51 pm 1 comment

A senior moment … of AWESOME


It’s June – and you know what that means.

HURRICANE SEASON

Well, ok – technically, yes … but June is also worldwide wedding calendar HQ.

heart25 LURVE!!!     heart25

old coupleAnd no two peeps personify the feelings¬†of amity, affection, allegiance and appreciation (and amour … we’re guessing amour’s in there somewhere)¬†better than Ebenezer Rose and Monica Hayden, who got themselves a last-ditch kind of hitched this weekend in West Palm Beach.
::: Kudos you crazy kids! :::

93-year-old Eb and 89-year-old Mon got their ‘I Do’ on in front of the customary gathering of friends and rellies sitting patiently¬†through the¬†matrimonial blah blah to get to¬†some sweet-ass¬†coconut cake and flat Hawaiian Punch over ice before the mandatory Macarena’s and Chicken Dancing begins.
::: There really is no bigger fun … :::

The happy couple had been friends for decades, but now come the bennies!!

“She had eyes on me all these years,” confessed the widower, who lost his wife of 58 years about four years ago. “By God’s grace, we’re here.”
Ol’ Eb popped the big Q-T-S to twice-widowed Monica about six months ago.

“I told her, ‘Each of us is living a lonely life. Why not get married?'”

ROMANCE!!!

Mazal tov bitches!

Live it up¬† … no really …

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June 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm 3 comments

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