Posts tagged ‘louisiana’

Food for thought


We’re Number One!!
We’re Number One!!
We’re Num … wait. What?

Crap. Wrong kind of number one …
According to a weighty government survey, the South is (once again) the portliest part of the good ol’ US of A.

DANGIT SOUTHERN PEOPLE!!!!
Can we please be number one for something positive?!?
ACK!!!

Maybe I’m overreacting.
After all, the findings are pretty much the same as they were in each of the the three previous years this fat-finding mission was performed.
::: hooray for artery-clogging consistency?!? :::

Mississippi, the perpetual red-headed stepchild of America, has reigned as Queen Supreme Pudgie Pot every year since 2004. But the rest of the region got surprisingly supersized and now the competition is ON!

Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia and Louisiana all embraced their inner backfat and have been bringin’ the chunk harder than ever!
Collectively, these four fatties have made so much peace with being obese that there’s almost nothing that sets them apart from Mississippi when it comes to the all important fat stat.
::: heavy thigh :::

Making up the ‘Top Ten Most Ginormous and Jiggliest States’ are:
1. Mississippi, now with 32.0% more lardass
2. Alabama, showing a sizeable 30.3 % bigger spare tire
::: You are my Heart of Dixie!! Just a little more bacon and you can be Number One, girlfriend!! :::
3. Tennessee, showing 30.1% heavier thunder thighs
4. Louisiana, packing 29.8% more junk in the trunk
5. West Virginia, with a whopping 29.5% bigger deep-fried backside
6. Arkansas, proudly packin’ on 28.7% more blubber butt
7. South Carolina, balancing picnic plates on 28.4% bigger buddha bellies
8. Georgia, cramming cookies into 28.2% chunkier cheeks
9. Oklahoma, outdoing itself with 28.1% more Oreo eating
10. Texas, bringing up a fabulously fattier rear with it’s 28.1% more flabtastic weigh-in

‘Experts’ think the traditional Southern diet — high in fat and fried food — may be partly to blame.

::: Oh yes! Finally – a CLUE!!! :::Another
 

 

Bacon Doughnut Egg Burger, Belva?

July 18, 2008 at 6:16 pm 5 comments

What’s that smell?


smellySome crazy bitch has been running around Louisiana spraying her, umm, scent on the unsuspecting.
A whiff or two is apparently so powerful that it basically knocks their asses OUT.
::: Corinne! Have you been playing Lot Lizard again?!? :::

Police say the woman goes up to random dudes in parking lots and seedy side streets and is all ‘hey, wanna buy some cologne, big guy?’
If it’s an ‘Uh-huh’ situation, she:

  • whips out a sample of said ‘cologne
  • waives it under the victim’s nose
  • breaks out a bottle of some other shit
  • sprays that on a sheet of paper and figure-eight’s the thing an inch or so from the victim’s face.
  • Poor guy has no choice but to accept the moment …

    Unfortunately, the terms of acceptance include dizziness, shortness of breath, numbness in their, uhh, extremities and, in a couple of cases, getting in touch with their outer unconsciousness.

    Detectives arrested a 23-year-old named …
    ::: wait for it :::

    PATCHES

    Oh hell to the yeah !!
    ‘Cuz this story is just 20 kinds of stupid and definitely not worth a two-second retell unless the bitch is called something like Stinky James or Skankwag or, well Patches!!

    And so, Patches Wegmann got some face-to-face time with the Po Po, during which she admitted to the crime.
    ::: Oh these modern criminal masterminds! How DO they do it?!? :::

    Poor Pitiful Patches was charged with second-degree battery and unlawful solicitation. She was booked into the Terrebonne Parish Jail where we assume she is getting her own special dose of Crackhead Cathy’s ‘special scent’ right about now … and now … and now … and tomorrow morning … and ….

    July 11, 2008 at 8:47 pm 1 comment

    Laura Bush is a tool


    Laura Bush is a toolA catastrophic tropical cyclone (aka hurricane) hit the Southeast Asian country of Myanmar (aka Burma) early Saturday and the White House got all blamey on Monday and trotted out Cindy Lou Who (aka Laura Bush) to denounce the Mayanmar government response to the disaster.

    I’d say this bitch has balls, but it’s Laura Bush. She just smiles into the camera and says what she’s told.

    After all, it’d be kinda hard for Shrub to get up there and act all self-righteous and critical of another government’s response to disaster after taking nearly as long to get to New Orleans after Katrina as it took God to make the friggin’ WORLD.

     

    May 6, 2008 at 12:17 am 6 comments


    This is the shit you bitches are reading


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