Posts tagged ‘liquor’

Nekkid nymph a no-no


If ever there was a time for the “less government” argument …

The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board brought a big ol’ deep-fried Southern Hayull tew thuh Naw! to a wine label featuring *HORROR* a  nude nymph.
::: Not so fast you wine-swilling sinners! :::

winelabeluproarThe label on Cycles Gladiator wine, —–>
produced by Hahn Family Wines in Soledad, Calif., shows a vintage 1895 bicycle advertising poster with a nude nymph flying beside a winged bicycle.

Alabama liquor regulations prohibit labels that are ‘offensive’ or ‘immodest’ and so the booze board has instructed restaurants and stores not to sell this evil-whore devil’s brew.

Hahn Family Wines president Bill Leigon says the wine has been sold nationwide without any complaints … until now Alabama.

How fitting …

Alabama: Because being backward is WORK, y’all!

55476_f12055471_f120
P.S. — Just a wild guess, but I take it I won’t be buying these the next time I visit the fam either, eh? Poopy …

July 28, 2009 at 12:50 am 4 comments

Happy National Tequila Day, Bitches!!



Roll out the Red Carpet to celebrate!

What goes in it:
11/2 oz Patrón Silver Tequila
1/2 ounce Patrón Citrónge Orange Liqueur
fresh raspberry juice
dash organic cranberry juice
fresh lime juice
gold sugar rim
orange wedge dipped in gold sugar for garnish

How to make it:
Wet the rim of a cocktail glass using an orange or lime wedge.
Rim the wet with gold sugar, shake off excess sugar and set aside
Pour the liquid ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice.
Shake well.
Strain into the prepared cocktail glass.
Garnish with an orange wedge dipped in gold sugar.

TGIF!!!

July 24, 2009 at 10:40 am 2 comments

War on welfare?


Pennsylvania lawmakers are considering a bill that would stick a big ol’ brick wall of “NEGATORY WINOS!” between welfare recipients and their state-funded boozy times.

This is so wrong!

In this The Great Depression 2.0 ™ – the ONE thing the hopeless and downtrodden can cling to … the ONE thing they truly gotta have – is their hooch!!!

Seriously! 
A tummy full of Tequila or Tangueray smoothes the harsh edges of a chilly winter’s night alfresco like nobody’s business!

But just try telling that to State Rep. Dave Reed, R[eally MEAN]-Indiana, and you’ll get a steaming cuppa ‘screw you, deadbeat’!

reedReed submitted his ‘No Booze for  Beggars’ bill after discovering it was actually, like, legal and shit for the poors to buy their Boone’s using taxpayer-backed benefit cards, which look and can be used much like a common credit card.

“I had no idea at the time that such a loophole existed,” he shouted to the little people from high atop his ivory tower.
::: Get ready for a MAJOR huffy when he finds out what they do at the needle exchange!! :::

Reed’s bitter pill of a bill would bar Pennsylvania’s 619 state liquor stores and private beer distributors from accepting the Department of Public Welfare’s electronic benefit cards from the approximately 2 million Keystone Staters who get cash assistance, food stamps or medical aid of some kind.

And I know all of the assholes out there hatin’ on the homeless and dusgusted by the destitute are ALL FOR this shit!

‘Cuz it sounds good; it feels right – right?

Yeah … too bad it won’t work.

Oh shuddit!
It won’t.

Because — aside from the fact that Scaggy Maggie will flat out cut a bitch for blockin’ her Bud — Reed forgot that little bit about the bennie badges behaving like credit cards.

So who’s to stop the vagabond horde from gettin’ their ATM on?
That’s riiiight hobo haters … a steaming cuppa ‘No one’ – that’s who!

Ahhhh government!
Oh well — better luck with the druggies, Dave!

SOURCE

May 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Cold hands, hot … TODDY!


Last night was the greatest night in the history of all great nights ever to have transpired on the entire planet Earth!!!

While everyone was busy running around issuing the geezer and plant warnings mandatory for a full-on, all-out Freeze Alert panic yesterday, I was planning the most spectacular personal party of my whole entire existence!

Snuggle-Fest 2009!

It would be stupendously glorious!

itscold

There would be S’mores and booze and fondue and liquor and champorado and hooch and I had the perfect thing to go with it all because I remembered the exact location of the seldom-opened box containing one of my most treasured possessions of all: My pink-and-green polka-dotted Jumpin Jammerz.

I couldn’t wait!!!

I buzzed through my ‘crap ya gotta do before chilltime’ list at lightning speed!!!
Gettothegymandgrabatreadmillandrunrunrun followed by a little pickupsushifordinneronthewaytothestoreforsomehappyjuice action and then the night would be wiiine mine!!!
::: COLD WEATHER IS THE BOMB DIGGETY!!!!! :::
** If you’re in Florida and you never, ever, Ever, EVER get any, which is in no way to say I don’t feel you dawgs who freeze your noogies off every winter because you live in places where they have those wacky things called ‘seasons’ **

Too bad no one else appeared to be gettin’ their Winter WooHoo on.
Everywhere I went it seemed folks had just lost their gat dam minds over the fact that we were forecast to have *GASP* near-to-below freezing temperatures across Florida.
::: WHINY BABY POOPOO BUTTS!!!! :::

TV sprayheads, radio voicejocks, newspaper editors, emergency management personnel, friends, family, neighbors, the hot piece running next to me at the gym, everyone at Sushi Yami … hell, even the dude who carded me at the Publix liquor store … they were all freaking the frigid fuck OUT!

Iran’s nukiness, O’Beautiful’s busted nominees, Madoff’s misappropriations and that squorky little thing I like to call the New Great Depression just weren’t worth even a ticker feed of mention because it was briefly going to be *SHOCK* too cold to wear shorts and flip-flops!!!!!

“This is a disaster! I don’t even have a coat!”
“We have to got to Home Depot and get a kit to wrap the pipes or they’ll all bust!!!”
“We have got to bring in ALL of the plants!! They’ll freeze and DIE!!!”

PANSIES!!!

Talk about your missed opportunities!

While they were all wrapped up in a frenzy of hypothermia hysterics, I was makin’ hot toddies and getting my cozy, toasty pajama party on with Mr. Cookie!

Ain’t no party like a cold weather party ‘cuz a cold weather party don’t stop!

February 5, 2009 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

High Fashion


Behold the delicious nugget of sophisticated elegance that is human mattress Tara Reid:

Tara is taking time off from her regular gig as covergirl for Cocktail Quarterly and Tequila Times to chase her real passion: freebasing fashion design.

No shit — you read that right.
Tara Reid is launching a clothing line.

Not content being the only street red carpet walker who thinks double-sided tape is soooo last year, Tara and her wonky chi chis debuted ‘Mantra‘ – a collection of swimsuits and casual wear – in Las Vegas this week.
::: TARA GOT A JOB! TARA GOT A JOB!!!:::

The list of descriptive terms one could use for Tipsy and her croutons is long and varied, but one thing she can’t be called is out of touch.
::: comatose, yes.  out of touch, no :::

Rummy employed a crack team of marketing ninjas to work day and night in an effort to identify her target demographic.

They hit paydirt one afternoon at TGI Fridays when they – literally – stumbled upon the 17 haggard, stretchmarked skanks who don’t snicker like high school sophomores when her name is used in the same sentence with words like ‘Star’, ‘Actress’, ‘Successful’ or ‘Sober’.

And then – faster than you can say acute alcohol poisoning –
* BAM *
Mobile home chic has a brand-new face!

“It’s about putting into the universe what you want in life: Red means love, pink is friendship, green is lucky, black is protection.”
::: red, pink, green and black – I have a bruise that looks JUST like that! :::

But I get it though … white means purity, so we know that color was a no go. And I guess there’s no room for the international color of jaundice: yellow.
::: bummer :::

But it’s all good, ‘cuz Toasty and her no-no hole, like, totally promise  these duds will rock your whirl!

“You’re gonna need an alibi have a story when you wear this bikini or when you put this dress on. You’ll either get love or meet a new friend or you might meet a guy.”

And, by that she means her fashions are tear-away and edible so that nothing  can stand in the way of you and your future STD.

Wet wipe?

August 27, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Trivial Tidbit


This is what $9 looks like these days at the ol’ stadium pub …
This guy must have either been rich or they do it differently at Turner Field …

9 dollars at the stadium
 

May 25, 2008 at 6:06 pm


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: