Posts tagged ‘life’

Mindin’ his biznass


Time for white folks, pundits and geezers to freak the fuck out!

A black person has issued forth verbiage that could potentially, just maybe – in the right lighting if the earth is spinning at the appropriate speed and you are peering at the words through the looking glass at a perfect 90 degree angle – be interpreted as ‘offensive‘ and ‘hurtful’ to my boyfriend’s quest for world domination the U.S. Presidency.

But isn’t that just Ludacris is being, uhh, well – ludicrous?!?

Lyrics to his new song ‘Politics: Obama is here’ have been released and the general consensus is that Luda done lost his mind, y’all!

“This song is not only outrageously offensive to Senator Clinton, Reverend Jackson, Senator McCain, and President Bush, it is offensive to all of us who are trying to raise our children with the values we hold dear,” the campaign said.
“While Ludacris is a talented individual he should be ashamed of these lyrics.”
::: Poor Luda — c’mere — I gots yer hug right here sweetums :::

Wait – did I write that right? The campaign said?
Oh yeah, that’s right. Well they’d have to because you KNOW Yummy Tummy was jammin’ to that bad boy on his iPod at the gym!

Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can’t stop what’s bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it’s meant to be
the threats ain’t fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it’s time to get out and vote!
paint the White House black and I’m sure that’s got ‘em terrified
McCain don’t belong in ANY chair unless he’s paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped

I mean, ok – I may not agree with all of the above but I gotta say I’m not finding too much issue with his Bush comment.
::: juvenile tee hees all around! :::

But ok — so we have to have a controversy about it and ‘the campaign’ had to issue a damning statement.
::: yawn :::

I think O’Baby and Luda-FOIN-ASS-cris should settle this the old fashioned way:
Nude K-Y Wrestling Match!

Don’t worry, I’ll totally referee!!

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July 30, 2008 at 8:03 pm 3 comments

Well now that that’s done …


Well butter my buns and call me First Lady!
::: No, really. I’d like it. :::

While Big Mac was reportedly bagging Britney and Paris for a skankerific new campaign ad, the Washington Post decided to just give us the terrorist-sympathizing, fist-jabber president we deserve already.

Woo hoo!! Prom here we come!

July 30, 2008 at 4:20 pm 2 comments

Food for thought


We’re Number One!!
We’re Number One!!
We’re Num … wait. What?

Crap. Wrong kind of number one …
According to a weighty government survey, the South is (once again) the portliest part of the good ol’ US of A.

DANGIT SOUTHERN PEOPLE!!!!
Can we please be number one for something positive?!?
ACK!!!

Maybe I’m overreacting.
After all, the findings are pretty much the same as they were in each of the the three previous years this fat-finding mission was performed.
::: hooray for artery-clogging consistency?!? :::

Mississippi, the perpetual red-headed stepchild of America, has reigned as Queen Supreme Pudgie Pot every year since 2004. But the rest of the region got surprisingly supersized and now the competition is ON!

Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia and Louisiana all embraced their inner backfat and have been bringin’ the chunk harder than ever!
Collectively, these four fatties have made so much peace with being obese that there’s almost nothing that sets them apart from Mississippi when it comes to the all important fat stat.
::: heavy thigh :::

Making up the ‘Top Ten Most Ginormous and Jiggliest States’ are:
1. Mississippi, now with 32.0% more lardass
2. Alabama, showing a sizeable 30.3 % bigger spare tire
::: You are my Heart of Dixie!! Just a little more bacon and you can be Number One, girlfriend!! :::
3. Tennessee, showing 30.1% heavier thunder thighs
4. Louisiana, packing 29.8% more junk in the trunk
5. West Virginia, with a whopping 29.5% bigger deep-fried backside
6. Arkansas, proudly packin’ on 28.7% more blubber butt
7. South Carolina, balancing picnic plates on 28.4% bigger buddha bellies
8. Georgia, cramming cookies into 28.2% chunkier cheeks
9. Oklahoma, outdoing itself with 28.1% more Oreo eating
10. Texas, bringing up a fabulously fattier rear with it’s 28.1% more flabtastic weigh-in

‘Experts’ think the traditional Southern diet — high in fat and fried food — may be partly to blame.

::: Oh yes! Finally – a CLUE!!! :::Another
 

 

Bacon Doughnut Egg Burger, Belva?

July 18, 2008 at 6:16 pm 5 comments

What’s that smell?


smellySome crazy bitch has been running around Louisiana spraying her, umm, scent on the unsuspecting.
A whiff or two is apparently so powerful that it basically knocks their asses OUT.
::: Corinne! Have you been playing Lot Lizard again?!? :::

Police say the woman goes up to random dudes in parking lots and seedy side streets and is all ‘hey, wanna buy some cologne, big guy?’
If it’s an ‘Uh-huh’ situation, she:

  • whips out a sample of said ‘cologne
  • waives it under the victim’s nose
  • breaks out a bottle of some other shit
  • sprays that on a sheet of paper and figure-eight’s the thing an inch or so from the victim’s face.
  • Poor guy has no choice but to accept the moment …

    Unfortunately, the terms of acceptance include dizziness, shortness of breath, numbness in their, uhh, extremities and, in a couple of cases, getting in touch with their outer unconsciousness.

    Detectives arrested a 23-year-old named …
    ::: wait for it :::

    PATCHES

    Oh hell to the yeah !!
    ‘Cuz this story is just 20 kinds of stupid and definitely not worth a two-second retell unless the bitch is called something like Stinky James or Skankwag or, well Patches!!

    And so, Patches Wegmann got some face-to-face time with the Po Po, during which she admitted to the crime.
    ::: Oh these modern criminal masterminds! How DO they do it?!? :::

    Poor Pitiful Patches was charged with second-degree battery and unlawful solicitation. She was booked into the Terrebonne Parish Jail where we assume she is getting her own special dose of Crackhead Cathy’s ‘special scent’ right about now … and now … and now … and tomorrow morning … and ….

    July 11, 2008 at 8:47 pm 1 comment

    Falsely elected leader scolds falsely elected leader


    George W. Bush is a massive toolBringing his special brand of dumbassness to the kiddie table at the G-8 summit, President George Worldraper Bush urged the international community to punish Robert Mugabe and the Zimbabwe government for suppressing political opponents and using violence, trickery and deception at the ballot box.

    “I am extremely disappointed in the elections, which I labeled a sham election.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE TEE HEE TEE HEE HOHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh, I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

    What a hum-DINGER, right?!?
    HOOooooo boy …

    I guess someone  was absent the day they went over that whole Pot and Kettle thing.

    July 7, 2008 at 6:03 pm 7 comments

    A study in getting one’s message across


    A 22-year-old naval officer walks out of a bar in Jacksonville (no – this isn’t a joke) … and heads right into the International House of Pain!
    :::Ka-POW biatch! :::

    Authorities say someone knocked the barely-legal boozer unconscious and then proceeded to get medieval on his ass, ehhh, midsection.

    Someone” turned dude’s abs into a crimson-themed art project by carving the words ‘Wife Beater’ into his skin.
    ::: owweeeEE — but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! but NO, it’s not funny –  this is a serious crime that happe … heheHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :::

    The human canvass – who was arrested on domestic battery charges back in March – woke up some time later all woozy in the noggin’, looked down and went, ‘well hell — if that ain’t the dangdest thing! My shirt’s all bloody! What’s up with that?!?’ – at which point he lifted said shirt and got a fine howdoyoudo!
    ::: Ahh Karma: Nature’s Watchdog:::

    It must be said that Exhibit A hasn’t been convicted on the domestic battery charge but my thinking is who cares that if “someone” really wants to get “someone’s” message across …
    if “someone” really  wants to help prevent future beatdowns, bitchslaps, black eyes and busted lips from happening to “someone’s” loved one — then “someone” needs to cut it with the pansy scratchy-scratch, get serious and BRAND THAT BITCH!
    * You don’t sleep through that action!
    ::: SIZZLIN’!!!! :::

    Trust me – there’s nothin’ quite like a little good-natured, old-fashioned, middle-of-nowhere Prairie Justice for wife beaters, child touchers, animal abusers, Republicans and the other unsavory dregs and wretches who walk among us.

    July 3, 2008 at 6:15 pm

    Report: Pot strongest in yea … mmmm Cheetos!


    Marijuana - not just for glaucoma patientsReport:
    The potency of electric lettuce shot up last year to the highest level in more than 30 years.

    A study found that the average amount of THC reached 9.6 percent in 2007, compared with 8.75 percent the previous year.

    The 9.6 percent level represents more than a doubling of marijuana potency since 1983, when it averaged just under 4 percent.

    Reaction:
    I needs to go Monster Chongin’!
    Let’s go to the aquarium and get Daved!

    June 12, 2008 at 11:09 am

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