Posts tagged ‘life’

Orange Is The New Blech

It’s been a whore-red hot minute since I left my last Cookie crumbs for you bitches to chew on.

Let’s recap:

My boyfriend had just been elected to his second term, I was at the genesis of what I hope remains a lifelong love of international travel, and you guys were too nice to publicly out me for beginning to dilute the special sauce that had, for the better part of 6 years, made my version of snark just a super-thick slice of splendiferous.

I was.

I can admit it.

I hadn’t exactly gone full-on dosser, mind you, but I was toning it down a bit.

Or trying to.

Cuz things were good-ish, man!

I mean, sure, we still had to deal with the same lameass hateful bagodicks we always did (and sadly, always will). Child-hurters, rapists, murderers, racists, warmongers, bigots, Republicans and, well, you get the picture – Fuckers fulfilling flagitous feats of fuckery!!!

But it was also a time of technological progress, an actual canyabeileve it noticeable uptick on issues of tolerance, and an overarching renewed global purpose to take better care of this rock on which we remain (before it’s too late, before we, too, are turned to rubble).

I felt like the universe was signaling an invitation for The Cookie to investigate some chill.

And I did!

I was rockin’ that shit like it was my J-O-B!

Traveling, writing for my literary side piece, reading, meditating, painting, volunteering … you get it. I was producing. I was creating, I was BIZZAY!

But then it started happening.

::: The snowball, the boiling frog, the derailed train of progress :::

The terrible horrible badness was actually happening!


A thing so dark, so grotesquely manifest it hardly seems possible there could even exist in the universe  a collection of molecules so malevolent, so intellectually and emotionally mangled, so completely misaligned with the concepts of basic humanity!

And yet, it’s out there.

::: OUT out there — no need for hoods or secret meetings now :::

It exists.

It walks among us.

This thing found a foothold of fakery on which to climb a mountain of misinformation and plant a flag for universal hatred and the solidarity of stupidity right there at the summit.

This thing so deplorable, so dreadful, so dire it utterly and completely crushed my cocoon of contentment, stomped the fuck out of my faith in the future and compelled me to dust off The Cookie once more to say take note, take cover and go and get your prayer ON.

Frealz tots– all of us precious snowflakes waking up to 2017 this morning looking to be hopeful about the future should start by getting down on our knees, putting our hands to the sky and all-out Bless. It.The. Fuck. UP! for the wholly lame and limited lifespan these next four years of fuckery deserve.

Because it’s happening.

Happy New EWWWWWWWW, bitches!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Hashtag garden:
#unfittoserve #unfitforoffice #unpresidential #trumpamerikkka #stophate #endracism #nomysogeny #resist #resistance #equality #equalrights #work4peace

January 1, 2017 at 2:15 pm 2 comments

{{{{{ SHON! }}}}}

You gave me one of my most recent moments of pure joy when, at 10 in the morning of February 3, you told me you loved me as only a National Signing Day recruit can — by committing to me Auburn for the next several years.

And now I return the love as only an Auburn-obsessed (and therefore everything related to Auburn-obsessed) devotee can — by committing all of my positive energy squarely in your direction and wishing you every ounce of everything good and pure that I possibly can as you battle back to health.

You can do it – we’re all here for you!


March 29, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Is there nothing it can’t do?!?

Surgeons remove healthy kidney through donor’s vagina

Yup – you read that right.

“In what is being heralded as a “first-ever procedure,” surgeons removed a healthy kidney through a donor’s vagina, the Johns Hopkins Medical Center has announced.”


This is awesomeness on an Everest scale!

As I have steadfastly maintained in cars, bars, NASCAR infields and HR mediation rooms for years — a woman’s hooha is the source of unspeakable power and, as this news proves, it is just 12 kinds of fucking futile to disagree!!
::: Bow down and RECONIZE!!! :::

I mean, ok, we all know it’s good for birthin’ shit.
And heaven’s knows the peen is always welcome.
kidneyJoy Toys, personal parts, certain types of produce and the occasional ‘mystery object’ have all been known to make a guest appearance every now and again … but who in a gozillion years would have thought the world’s original playstation capable of surgical assist during an organ transplant?!?
::: Go on witcha bad self!! :::

And, just in case you were wondering — a healthy kidney is about 4-5 inches long and 2-3 inches wide — a little on the small side for something exiting that area if you ask me … but WHATEVER!!!

Vaginas are saving lives, people!

Be nice to the one nearest you!


February 4, 2009 at 2:12 pm 8 comments

Disney daze gone bye

Disney cash cowette Mylie Cyrus and her pimp daddy Billy Ray are all kinds of fed up with the Mouse House and want to move on to greener pastures, like, NOW. ‘spies’ on the Hannah Montannah set report that “Miley has bragged that she will get fired, making it clear she wants to focus on singing and not the show”
::: she’s just being Mylie :::

” … Billy Ray has also made it clear that there is more money in singing than a Disney cable show.”
::: Someone read Joe Simpson’s ‘Idiot’s Guide To Whoring Out Your Offspring’ :::

The creepy father-daughter duo has reportedly been showing up to the set ridiculously late, stalling production and infuriating cast and crew.
::: Family Values of the Hick and Famous :::

Cast member Emily Osment (younger sister to underage alky Haley Joel) used to be totally tight with Fakey Breakey’s spawn — but now, with all this drama, she totally wants Billy’s brat off her bff roster.
::: Can’t we all just get along? :::

TMZ says Emily is so bitter she literally turns away from Miley after each scene.
::: HARSH! :::

Folks, this is headed straight for the land of Not Good — where kiddie stars with overblown egos become washed-up haggard skanks who can’t remember their lines, their purpose or their place but can suck down a bottle of Baileys in a single gulp and get all ‘dohn schew knohoo aiyam???’ when some poor gatekeeper brings the hell naw as they try to jump the velvet rope.

Overt greed and inappreciation usually leaves a fanbase cold and I’m sure Disney doesn’t want to see their product reduced to just another overdose-in-training.
::: well, not unless there’s a People cover and some serious cross-promotion involved … :::

So, before wily Mylie’s moneygrubbery makes all that tween cash go *poof*, I think Disney should totally tear up the Cyrus contract  – but only after they sever ties appropriately by giving her character an astoundingly painful and sizzlingly scabrous STD and killing her off in an end-of-season live episode.

Now that’s quality programming for the whole family!

September 22, 2008 at 5:14 pm 5 comments

Let’s face it …

Meg Ryan says her Hollywood career is nearly over and she’ll never be able to recapture her previous fame.
Why? Because she says there just aren’t enough good roles for women over 40.
::: Damn it all to hell and back! Who forgot to give the memo to Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep, Annette Bening and Diane Lane?!? :::

“I think when Hollywood is done with me, I will probably be done with it. I’m not interested in playing those stock characters any more and I don’t feel sad that I don’t get those kind of offers.”

Someone’s in DEE-NIE-YULL!!!

It’s not her age that’s preventing her from landing roles …

… it’s her face.

It seems like only yesterday that everything was going along just swimmingly for America’s former sweetheart – then *BAM* – Meg boarded the big bus to crazy town!

Did it happen because folks found out she’d been bumpin’ fuglies with the Australian STD?
::: la chocha caliente :::
Did it happen because her then-husband of nine years decided it best to throw a cheatin’ chocha OUT?
Did it happen because no one liked ‘Hanging Up’?
::: they didn’t, get over it :::

Alas, we may never know what drove the Megster mad. But one thing’s for sure:
She must have some ginormously craterous self-esteem because – after being tossed out, she freaked out.

Meggers didn’t consult her oft-thumbed self-hater’s guidebook to wellness and she didn’t drag her ass in for analysis. Hell, she didn’t even develop a well-deserved chemical addiction!
She did it another  way.

Bitch ditched all that bankable girl-next-dooriness for an overblown trout pout, shaved schnoz, cutlet-y implants and some super-sateeny alien skin.
::: CAREER BE DAMNED!! muahahahahah!!!!! :::

Instead of trading on her natural good looks – she traded ’em IN.

And it’s too bad, too – because, unless there’s a ‘When Harry Met Scary’ deal in the works, Meg’s makeover gave the once-upon-a-time cutie patootie the perfect face for just one thing:

Meg? For future reference – when the mirror’s being mean to you – just remember …

September 16, 2008 at 4:13 pm 8 comments

Who’s hosting the intervention?

uh … Wi-HAYULL NO-na!!


August 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm 2 comments

Things that make you go ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

With the glaring exception of a lawyered-up Mary-Kate Olsen, investigators have interviewed everyone connected to Heath Ledger and his death – including his doctors, the masseuse who found his body, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and Michelle Williams, who is mother to his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda.
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

“Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except  Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak,” one source said.

The New York Post says MK is all hell to the NO about being interviewed by the feds investigating the accidental drug death of her ‘close friend’ unless she receives immunity from prosecution.
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

Immunity? That’s odd, isn’t it?

Sources tell the Post that ‘all of the drugs in Ledger’s body and those discovered in nearby prescription bottles were legally obtained from two physicians – with the exception of OxyContin, a powerful painkiller.’

But where did the OxyContin come from???
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

“Did it come from a dealer, from a friend?”
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

“If he had a bottle from a friend, was it taken by someone else before police responded?”
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

before. the. police. arrived

Mary-Kate was the first person called when the body was discovered and – like the good,  ‘close friend’ she is – she dutifully called 9-11.

Wait … no.
That’s not right.

She called backup.

Reports show that “instead of calling emergency responders after getting the call from her masseuse, Olsen telephoned her bodyguards in the Big Apple, telling them to race to Ledger’s Broome Street home.”
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

Sniff test = fail

August 4, 2008 at 6:06 pm 1 comment

Older Posts

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: