Posts tagged ‘legal’

Droll Tide


It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
Sure!
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.

BLASPHEMERS!!!

Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!

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December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

1-2-3-4


It’s an all-out PAPER TOWEL WAR!!

ptowelsSeems the folks at Bounty paper towels are 20 kinds of pissed over Brawny’s new look because they believe it’s an intellectual dupe of their ‘bowtie-like embossed’ pattern design.
::: they must not know that whole ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ bit :::

They’re so bent out of shape that Cincinnati-based Proctor & Gamble Co. —  Bounty’s owner — filed a federal lawsuit to stop the alleged copy-cattery allegedly being perpetrated by Atlanta-based Georgia-Pacific LLC — Brawny’s owner.
::: ludicrously litigatory :::

“We will rigorously defend our intellectual property rights, which in this case involves infringements to our Bounty trademark and trade dress,” some P&G spokesbitch blah blah’d in an email to reporters.

“We believe the claims are entirely meritless, and we plan to defend the lawsuit vigorously,” Georgia-Pacific blah blah’d back.

All relevant blah blah aside?
brawnyThe real crime here isn’t the pattern.

It’s the lumberjack!

My untidies can only be  treated by the thirstiest of towels – and that ain’t the jack, ‘kay?

Which is why I quit that bitch years ago for the  cottony comfort of Viva.

I mean, helllooo?!?

Look at his veneers! His high cheekbones!! His perfect hair and plush lips!!!

He’s either the missing Village Person or I’m the Queen of England!

Frealz, yo!
This guy is all jazz-hands and showmanship.
Corporate even gave that slut a makeover complete with a smokin’ hot new set of guns and a tighter ’70s shag ‘n stache. But all that glam + 1,000 plaid shirts and manly poses can’t hide it.

He’s just not strong enough to be my man.

I’m sorry, but it is what it is. And don’t front like you don’t know what I’m saying.
You see it.
You know you do.

If that cutter isn’t keeping a pair of assless chaps hanging next to a whip and a feather boa on the back of his bathroom door then I need to go wrangle the corgis for their afternoon walk!

Ya — the bother with your branding ain’t the ‘pattern’ boys … but good luck with that lawsuit and all.

[Ed Note: My chaps are on a hanger and my whip is under the bed … I’m hella fun — but I’m nobody’s mascot either.]

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May 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm 6 comments

It’s hard out there for a ho!


Not content with publicly buttfucking common sense in the ear every chance she gets, Sarah Palin has found another foe, y’all!!

THE INTERWEBS!

At her behest (and using her letterhead) The Alaska state attorney general’s office sent www.crackho.com management a misspelled cease and desist order for – they say – hijacking their beautimously fabulous state seal.
::: HO TREACHERY!!! :::

“It has come to our attention that the website www.crackho.com has hijacked a State of Alaska webpage,” the letter warns Shoe Latif.
“Featured on this webpage is the official seal of the State of Alaska. Alaska law prohibits the use of  the official seal of the State of Alaska without permission.”
::: Sooooo Mavericky! :::

Now, I’m no scholar or anything — but all that ‘prohibition’ must mean that sites like vector-images.com, oldfordroad.wordpress.com,  www.anyflag.com and any of the other gozillion websites displaying or linking to the glorious symbol have written permission to do so.

Well sure!
‘Cuz they have to!!
IT’S THE LAW!!!

poutypalinEh … well, either that or nobody gives a flying fuck because they don’t have “crackho” as part of their domain name.
::: DING DING DING!!!!!! We have a winner!!! :::

Too bad it’s all moot now that Shoe shat herself a couple of brickety bricks, took down her site and put up a sad (and seriously unnecessary, girlfriend!! We should totally talk!!) mea culpa smothered in jibes, covered in digs with a smattering of hee hees aimed at the Alaskan Notness and her Supreme Idiocy.

Shoe, frealz hon? That trick isn’t worth the HTML effort it took you to href her bitch ass in the first place. No lie! M’kay snookums?
Just don’t go and do anything more severe to your site … unless, of course, you wanna sell the Cookie that sweet sweet domain name, of course!

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May 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm 2 comments

It’s that time again!


Not to be outdone by his Hey Mr. Postman March Pardon-Palooza, outgoing sad-excuse-for-a-world-leader George W. Bush forgave more sinners yesterday when he handed out his last batch of ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards.

Among those thrown a legal lifesaver are:
forgive1.) Richard Culpepper of Mahomet, Illinois who was convicted of making false statements to the government.
::: No, I am not plotting to overthrow the government and that is not a 20-foot container of C-4 buried under a bunch of hay in my barn … :::

2.) Carey C. Hice Sr. of Travelers Rest, South Cackalackee, who was convicted of income tax evasion.
:::  WHAT?!? Tax evasion is sooo last year! :::

4.) Paul Julian McCurdy of Sulphur, Oklahoma, who was sentenced for misapplication of bank funds.
::: Kind of like Citigroup … :::

and, my personal favorite:
5.)  Leslie Owen Collier of Charleston, Missouri, who was convicted of violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act.

Apparently Collier’s preferred method of getting rid of annoying animals was to leave them a burger buffet spiked with poison and among the many animals murdered by his method just happened to be the most revered symbol of our nation’s freedom … well, actually three of the most revered symbols of our nation’s freedom.
::: ruh roh … :::

Oh but hey, if you can’t forgive someone for carelessly offing our national emblem for their own convenience, who can you forgive?

“Tis the season!

November 25, 2008 at 2:47 pm 2 comments

Dumbass of the Day


Meet David Mlynick –>

David Mlynick is a doer.

Unfortunately, David Mlynick is not a thinker.

See, David Mlynick wanted to do some personal product misplacement so he and a friend trotted down to the nearest Publix to get themselves a five-finger discount on some tasty TAG body spray.

With clever names like Stay Up, Step Out and Get Yours — who doesn’t want to get TAGged? Because you know the only thing standing in the way of David Mlynick and some fine-ass poontang is a shot of that sweet spray, right? Oh yeah …

Alas, David Mlynick’s plan took a turn toward stupid after the bumbling burglars got caught with their booty.

According to a Broward County Sheriff’s Office report, some hawk-eyed Publix employees spotted Stinky McStinkerson and his sidekick swiping the spray and went all ‘Hey dudes — put that back!’
Sidekick dude was all ‘damn, ya got me – ok’ and put the product back like the shitty little wannabe criminal he is.

But not David Mlynick.

Desperado was all ‘hell to the no with that action’, fled the scene and dashed over to the Dollar Store where he thought safety was a sure bet since it would be completely crowded as it’s the only store people can afford to shop in anymore.

But the only deal David Mlynick would find at the Dollar Store would be a bad one after running smack into Publix manager Vincent Harris, who was waiting for the clumsy klepto with a big ol’ cup of ‘TAG — you’re it, scumwad!’
::: Dirty Harris missed his calling :::

Mlynick “responded by becoming belligerent” and pulled out his piece … THE weapon of choice for 12-year-olds, range rejects and crappy criminals everywhere … a BB gun.
::: HARD CORE, yo! :::

And faster than you can say ‘Prison Bitch’ – in moved the boys in blue, on went the big silver bracelets and David Mlynick was arrested for ‘robbery with a weapon’.

The criminal mastermind was booked into the Broward County jail, where we’re pretty sure he’s making LOTS of new best friends with his hot little sweet-smelling self!

‘nite ‘nite boyfriend!

PHOTO

October 22, 2008 at 2:46 pm 3 comments

Orlando’s Boob Tuber Just That


The Orlando Sentinel’s “TV Guy” has decided to do an open-Internet casting call query over who should play the title role of the real-life Casey Anthony drama.

My first reaction to this stunt was a pretty powerful gag reflex type deal. But, in truth, I shouldn’t be surprised it’s come to this.

Newspapers are dying, which means they’re full of desperate people clutching the last fragments of a fading career as they sink to all-new lows to generate views.

And so Hal Boedecker, the TV Guy wants to know who you, Joe Reader, would cast as queen of the lying liars Casey Anthony.

Ok, fine, I’ve got some time on my hands this morning. What the hell …

I agree with posters Faye, Cindy and Casey is a Whorse that Hal’s a douchebag hack riding the coattails of tragedy and making a mockery of a probable murder for his own gain, but I would be remiss if I didn’t congratulate posters Ashley, Bill and any others who correctly cast Alyssa Milano as horror mom Casey Anthony.

So, there you go. Zip. Zap. Bam.
Can we be done with this horseshit now?

October 17, 2008 at 3:09 pm 1 comment

Southern progress?


You know it’s gonna be a long day when the first thing you read is a tale of retarded racist redneckery so egregious you fall out of your chair and land squareass on the Pergo under the Mac.
::: I did. I’m ok. Thanks for asking. :::

Today’s tale comes from landlords Wilber and Julie Williams – a couple who help put the ASS in Tallassee, Alabama one good ol’ boy day at a time.

These two twits sling stupid so well they got the attention of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which charged the degenerate duo with violating a nifty little piece of legislation we like to call the Fair Housing Act after they forced a white couple to move from a rented home because they were seen …
… doing drugs in the den?
::: nope – try again! :::
… pimping ho’s out the house?
::: nuh uh – try again!! :::
… selling babies off the back porch?
::: Negatory!!!! Try again!!!! :::
… talking to a black couple in their front yard?
::: DING DING DING — we have a winner!!!! :::

The whole mess began back in February when the cankerous couple rented a house to Melissa Jones and her family. Things were going along just fine until one day in May when the Frankenpair did a drive-by at the exact moment that *gasp*  BLACK PEOPLE were visiting with Jones!!!
::: How shocking in these modern times and all – right?  Oh wait … it’s Tallassee … I think they’re still holding out for a Confederate win … :::

According to Jones’ statement to HUD authorities, her bias bitch of a landlord later called her demanding, “Those people need to leave. I don’t want them on my property.”

One week later Judgmental Julie is said to have called the renters again — only this time her phone conversation was recorded.
::: I you, technology!!!! :::

The phone transcript is said to show Julie Williams saying, “If y’all want to have African-Americans to visit, we’re going to ask you to move … this has never happened with any renters that we’ve had … It’s not fine on our property.”
::: someone’s got her Klan robe in a BIG ol’ twisty bunch!! :::

The case goes on to state that Jones told her landlord she wasn’t just friends with black people — but that she had family members (bluud tahz, y’all) who were of mixed ethnic background. She says she was then told to “go ahead and move before the rent’s due for July.”
::: K …K …K’mon! Really?:::

Melissa Jones told HUD authorities that the McCainiac called again in July to pressure her into moving, telling her, “You should live in the projects if you want to interact with those people. I will sell the house if I have to in order to get you out. I don’t care if you made a complaint to HUD, you have to move.”
::: yew kin hav mah kohled ded hart wen yew prah et frum mah kohled ded bohdee :::

The couple moved the first of September.
If a U.S. Administrative Law judge finds the depraved defendants guilty he can award damages for actual loss, emotional distress, humiliation, and loss of civil rights.
::: YE$ :::
The judge can also add civil penalties and a federal district court judge can award punitive damages if the defendants are found guilty.
::: YE$$$$$$$ :::

Let’s all lift Melissa up, Up, UP in prayer so that she may receive actual, real, hardly-practiced-in-the-deep-South, 21st Century-style justice and not just some nastyass rotting doublewide, a pair of wooden dentures and a tattered Farmer’s Almanac.

Can’t hurt to hope …

 

 

October 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm 44 comments

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