Posts tagged ‘layoff’

Happy Layoff To You, Happy Layoff To You!


Old and busted: Surprising the birthday girl with streamers, balloons and cake on her special day
New Hotness: Surprising the birthday girl with the prospect of being laid off on her special day

A certain green-eyed girl I know is about to have a birthday.
A very important birthday.
A 29th birthday which, as we all know, is the true and undeniable symbolic end to the folly and childlike innocence drunken nonstop insanity of youth … which, as we all know, calls for a party with streamers, balloons and cake.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
NOT THIS TIME, BIOTCH!!

[NAME REDACTED],
Please be advise you are required to attend a confidential meeting on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in the HR conference room.  Your manager will advise you of the meeting agenda on that date.

Regards
[NAME REDACTED]
Human Resources Employment Manager

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhhh, let me just tell you there is NO joy quite as joyously joyful as the act of freaking a friend’s shit so bad that every drop of blood drains from her face in less than a nanosecond!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
GOOD TIMES!

But the best part isn’t even the wickedly FANTABULOUS HR prank – which, as we all know, is HELLAMEGAYEAH great.
Nope.
The best part was her hubster’s advice:

“I think that no matter what you should wear a party hat to the meeting. That way if it is a birthday thing then you’ve shown them that you weren’t fooled.

If, on the other hand, it is a firing – they simply cannot fire you … not wearing a birthday hat.

And if it is a departmental downsizing then they’ll want to keep you because you’ve obviously got the best attitude … you know … wearing a party hat to the down sizing.”

ÜBERHELLAMEGAYEAH!!!!!

Party City here I come!!!

*smooches girl*

April 7, 2010 at 10:02 am 6 comments

No. Sleep. ‘Till. BROOKLYN!


Y’all know I don’t really ‘do’ follow-ups, but since I also don’t really ‘do’ rules or structure or anything resembling something one would consider organized in any way whatsoever – I can ‘do’ whatever I want!
::: yes, it’s great to be me :::

Remember when the NYC powers that be went all ‘full bag of ass’ on the homeless recently?
Well, take a seat kids because those gub’mint windbags found some pity for the poors and are now baby-steppin’ toward benevolence!

Big Apple big shots are backing agreements to house homeless families in unsold luxury condos in Brooklyn.

The apartments are in the in Crown Heights section, have amenities that include granite countertops, terraces, marble bathrooms and walk-in closets and were supposed to sell for $250,000 to $350,000 … you know, back in the olden times when people actually had cool shit like cash monies and credit so they could BUY a place of their own …
::: mem-reez … light the corners of my mind … :::

But times are hard and pretty much every third person on the planet is out of work, out of luck and out on the street — so hobo housing is where it’s at!

The city is paying about $2,700 a month for each apartment, which includes awesomeness like social services and job counseling.

This is goodness — straight UP!

And you asshats who try to get your comment on and go all ‘Get a job, ya bums’ with your high-and-mightiness?
Step back, get a clue and REKONIZE that homelessness is a national problem that’s growing to epidemic proportions due to the economy, foreclosures, the economy, job losses, the economy and so on AND that one in every 50 children in our fair land will be homeless at some point.

So those ‘lazy fucking bums’ you’re always bitching about?
Ya, they don’t even rank in the top 100 anymore, ‘kay judgmentals?

THIS is goodness. This is a start …

SOURCE

June 4, 2009 at 3:29 pm 2 comments

CNN tackles the tough stuff


What with all of the economic uncertainty, security concerns and general depravity everywhere, I take great comfort in the knowlege that I can count on CNN to bring me the really big news.

Like today’s ‘Twelve Amusing Excuses For Being Late For Work‘ … awesome market downturn, massive layoff reading there.
Because it’s just common knowledge that the absolute first thing on the mind of someone suffering job-loss jitters is where to find new and creative ways to endanger their employability.
::: CNN’s got yer back, dawg! :::

“While some employers tend to be more lenient with worker punctuality, 30% say they have terminated an employee for being late,” CareerBuilder.com‘s VP of HR said.

You guys got that?
Career Pro Tip: Being late for work can get you fired.

WOW!!

I mean, you just don’t get that kind of top-secret insider info any old place!
::: CNN and CareerBuilder totally  us! :::

According to a February survey of more than 8,000 workers all the goldbrickers still employed in America, 20% said they arrive late to work at least once a week and 12% said they are late at least twice a week.

And just what’s keeping Tammy Timeclock from promptly punching in?

Why, Amusing Excuse #2, of course!
“My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.”
::: So even if yours puts the Dick in Dickens, don’t use that one ladies– it’s TAKEN! :::

Now me? I like #4: “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
Because any brat who can put a ‘rent in the box has earned his Bitchin’ Bastard badge in my view!

Oh, but I know, I know — the point is not to BE late … if you can help it … provided the Dunkin’ Donuts latte line isn’t too long …. and that morning-after hangover helper is working …

“To be on the safe side, try your best to be on time for work every day,” the job gurus advise. “Your boss, co-workers and reputation will thank you for it.”

GOTCHA!!

THANK YOU CNN AND CAREERBUILDER!!!!!

I feel more productive alrea … ooo someone brought cake!

April 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm 3 comments

THIS is, like, sooooo not right … ‘n stuff


sadgirlHold tight to your Hermès, girlfriends, because this is Hampton’s-Hissy-Fit BIG!

Looks like the The New Great Depression isn’t just for the little people, after all.
::: Chutney — I suggest you sit down for this, sweetie … :::

Chanel and Louis V are being forced to … to …
::: Oooohhh I almost just can’t even bring myself to say it, it’s so awful!!! :::

They are being forced to *gulp* ECONOMIZE!!!!!!!
::: Take it easy, Tinsley! :::

Chanel’s getting ready to lay off 200 staffers in their Paris office and LVMH has cancelled a plan for a Louis Vuitton megastore in the Ginza district of Tokyo.
::: DEEP BREATHS, BRYNN!!! :::

cryUntil recently, luxury brands were in goddamned fucking denial about the had claimed immunity from the growing worldwide Olympic-style economic nosedive.

But the cold bitchslap of reality has left a lingering sting that’s being felt from the boutiques of Paris to the la-tee-dah shoplofts and spas of London to the ostentatious avant-garde expos of New York as the not-so-nouveau-riche-anymore are foregoing their Friday evenings at Fred’s, Diamond Peel Microdermabrasions, Icho Cashmere jackets and caviar eye treatments.
::: Crap, Kiki! Get the salts – I think Mersaydi just had a mild cardiac event … :::

But don’t fault Franck Sorbier, don’t chide Coco and don’t even THINK of blaming Boudicca, bitches!!

This nouveau povertè was a fait accompli before the bailouts began …
… all that greedy moneygrubbiness and fadmongering of years past created such all-out hubris that now the well-off are just like the rest of us — facing, like,  a totally WAY harsh future … ‘n stuff!!

MAJOR sad face, right???
::: But, admit it! You know it’s gonna be 20 kinds of cocktail FUN watching Wilhelmina use a WIC!!! :::

December 30, 2008 at 7:32 pm 2 comments

APpalled?


So I was drinki, uhh, talking with a friend last night about the recent employee standoff at Republic Windows and Doors and we were all ‘Power to the People’ and ‘Stick it to the Man’ and ‘Score one for the Little Guy’ and feeling pretty proud of the proletariat, which made me all ‘more mojitos!’ when my friend leaned in and confided that he, too, was taking part in just such an action this week.
::: SWISHY!!! :::

Seems some of the rank and file at the Associated Press are more than a little rankled that they’re not gettin’ management money-love, so now they’re all ‘No byline for you!’ and are waging a small-scale media mutiny.
::: cute :::

“They have the temerity to attempt a contractually obligated pay freeze next year,” my friend hissed through his teeth, “and then they want to further insult us with a paltry two percent raise after that? KNOWING we’re asking for – and, quite frankly, expecting to get – a proper 10! I mean really! Can you believe that fucking horseshit?!? Can you???”

Umm, like yeah and stuff?

Such an outwardly hostile sense of entitlement may lead you to assume he shoots for Donatella or Elie Saab … or AIG or Bank of America … but no. He’s AP.

And, in his defense, I must tell you that my friend has been away.

Far away.

He’s been working on a photography project in the Ardennes countryside – so he’s kind of new to this whole ‘world going to hell in a handbasket and taking the job/housing/banking/technology/andeverythingelsethatsustainsyou market with it’ thingamafuck the rest of us have been trudging through all year.

He didn’t get the memo about America’s new national employment policy:
Wage Freeze + Weensy Updward Rationing = Hopefully Potentially Possibly Maybe Being Able to Stay in Business Through the New Great Depression.

And, apparently, neither did some other folks.

“Staffers recognize the tough times, but they also understand that quality journalism at AP means attracting and retaining the best employees,” said Tony Winton, president of the News Media Guild

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am ALL FOR agitatin’ and pot stirrin’ and basically doing whatever it takes to be the biggest pain in the ass you can possibly be because, well, that’s just how I roll … AND I am ALL FOR MONEY!!! …  buuuutttt when
– you work in an economy that’s lost 1.9 million jobs this year (including more than 15,000 of your own brethren) …
– AND your company has already announced a 10% workforce reduction for the coming year …
– AND dues-paying members are so fed up with your company’s rate restructuring they’re defecting left and right …
– AND your competitors are aggressively teaming up against you and are nine THOUSAND kinds of eager to strike a deal with those former in-the-biz bffs …
– AND what little space remains in the ever-dwindling newshole of American media is quickly morphing from info- to ADVERtainment — effectively making moot your point of the perceived value of what , exactly, it is that you do for a living …

Umm, wow … I’m dizzy … where was I? … Oh yeah — my point!

I think that before I got on my talented and principled yet pompous and pampered high horse that I might consider taking a good long look around, getting myself a nice-sized clue and continuing to do the job I “didn’t get into for the money” but get paid well to do already …

… but that’s just me …

December 17, 2008 at 11:16 am 4 comments

Let’s talk about sex, baybee!


The Palm Beach Post has ideas, y’all!

postspelApparently not satisfied that mangling headlines and shoving the really annoying shit other pubs call ‘news’ to the bottom of the page screams “We’re goin’ DOWN, bitches!!!quiiiiite loud enough … the Post has decided to add ‘sex colunmist’ the list of positions they’ll be cutting in the next round of  layoffs.
::: Always think ahead!! :::

reporterAt least that’s the rumor I heard last night from someone who works for a competitor who’s name I won’t mention but who’s initials are The South Florida Sun Sentinel.

If this nugget is true, then the Post’s intrepid health reporter has been  bangin’ on doors all over the place looking for the next Dr. Ruth or Dr. Drew or — I can only hope — Dan Savage.

Unfortunately, it’s the Post, so I think I can go out on a limb here and predict with about a gozillion percent accuracy that we can count out the raunchy hee hees someone like Savage would bring.
::: sad face :::

Nope, it’s the Post.
Home of the Charticle.
Land of the Bland.


We’ll get two and a half months of some watered-down Courting Disaster ripoff with a creepy Aunt Marge avatar cautioning the Q-Tips not to ‘get frisky’ with their dentures in before the deafening laughter and endless fingerpointing force the powers that be to add this idea to their growing pile of ‘can’t sell’.
::: bow chicka, umm, yeah – not so much … :::

December 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm 26 comments

Morning Quickie


My streak continues …

Chicago workers end window plant sit-in
“Laid-off workers at a Chicago window factory ended a five-day sit-in after banks agreed to lend the failed company $1.75 million for outstanding wages and benefits, union officials said Wednesday.”

Yesterday’s Prediction

December 11, 2008 at 11:18 am 10 comments

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