Posts tagged ‘law enforcement’

Scary Communiqué FAIL

Osama bin Laden must have gotten bored picking burrs and gnats out of his beard or something ‘cuz he hooked up the camcorder again – this time calling for Israel’s imminent doom.


Ya … ‘cept nobody cares.
::: We’re just not that into you … :::

ignoreblU.S. officials dismissed the tape [TAPE?!?], saying not only is it NOT a credible threat to my boyfriend’s ascention to the Bejeweled and Golden Throne of Audacious Hopification – but that it also looked like a cheesy fund-raising effort.
::: Someone drank the ‘Terrorist Telethons are gonna be BIG in ’09’ Kool-Aid … ::

White House spokesman Gordon Johndroe said, “It appears this tape [TAPE?!? WTF?!?] demonstrates his isolation and continued attempts to remain relevant at a time when al Qaeda’s ideology, mission, and agenda are being questioned and challenged throughout the world.”
::: BOO YA, BEEYATCH!!! :::

Next week’s three-day drunken orgy of lurve for O’Baby is expected to draw adoring hoards of 1.5 million or more to the Washington – so, of course the FBI is all over anything that even remotely resembles anything remotely threateny or killy sounding.
So what’d they make of bin Laden’s celuloid commandment?

A big hot cuppa NUTHIN’, that’s what!

When asked if the tape [MF! — TAPE?!?] represented a threat to the inauguration, FBI spokesman Richard Kolko said, “We have no specific or credible threat to the inauguration.”
::: DENIED!!! Not even worth a mention of the wicked one? SO COLD!!! :::


Listen – next time just save us all your Midol moment and upload your rants to YouTube like Chrissy ‘leave Britney alooooooone’ Crocker.

That way all the little evildoer wannabes chained to the wall of the cave of wicked villainy and the 4 people in your MySpace fanclub can whack it to your totally rad terrorist gyrations of dooooooom … and leave the rest of us to go about the very pressing business of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

‘kay pumkin?


January 15, 2009 at 5:22 pm 7 comments

Felonious free-for-all?

So the New Great Depression is kind of a bummer for most folks, what with losing their jobs, their houses, their entire life savings, their health care, their identity and their self-respect and all …

… but do you know who it’s good for?

FELONS, that’s who!
:::  … always two sides … ::: 

With state budgets in Defcon 5 panic mode – governors, legislators and prison officials across the country are rethinking that whole ‘justice for all’ concept and making policy changes that would put Big Stan, The Ox and Lester the Child Molester back on your block aaaaany time now.
::: Get the Welcome Wagon ready! ::: 

Prior to this fiscal crisis, legislators could tinker around the edges – but we’re now well past the tinkering stage,” said Marc Mauer, executive director of the Sentencing Project, which advocates alternatives to incarceration.
::: Putting the hood back in your ‘hood one day at a time! :::

“Many political leaders who weren’t comfortable enough, politically, to do it before can now,” he said
::: ‘I’m sorry Parolee # 286998 hacked your family to death — but think of the money you’ll save on tuition! :::

All aboard the freedom train!

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is proposing early release of about 1,000 inmates.
::: Thugtastic! :::

New York Governor David Paterson wants early release for 1,600 inmates.
::: Shankerific! :::

And Kentucky recently implemented a ‘temporary’ cost-cutting program that’s given early release to nearly 2,000 inmates … including murderers and other violent offenders!
::: ‘cuz why should child-touchers and embezzlers have all the fun! :::

“There’s a new openness to taking a look,” said Michigan Senator Alan Cropsey, a Republican who in the past has questioned prison-reform proposals but — now that everyone can blame everything on the economy — isn’t gonna waste precious time thinkinating and solutionizing.

And who would?
Pansy ass liberals – that’s who!

Wussy hippie alarmists — like Thomas Sneddon, executive director of the National District Attorneys Association — are all ‘uhh, maybe there’s a better way guys???’

“I don’t think the public at large has any idea of who’s in these prisons,” he whined. “If they went and visited, they’d say ‘My God, don’t let any of these people out.'”

Actually, it’d be more like ‘ OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT! He’s in for WHAT?!?’
But who cares! A penny saved, right? 

Cue BCO share takeoff in 3 … 2 …


January 10, 2009 at 11:21 pm 17 comments

The WRONG Way To Get Some Head

WTF?!?Two jackoffs and a juvy in Texas stand accused of digging up a dead guy, decapitating his body and using his grubworm-eaten head to smoke a little doobie — and I’m totally not kidding or flippin’ kitties when I write that.

The Houston Chronicle has the story today of Darwin Award Winners Matthew Gonzalez and Kevin Jones, who have been charged with the misdemeanor offense of abuse of a corpse (misdemeanor?!?).

Police say Gonzalez, Jones and an unnamed underaged dweeb:
1.) Made their way to a local graveyard
2.) Unearthed a man
3.) Made off with his head
4.) Turned said head into a bong

::: Cheech is speechless :::


May 8, 2008 at 8:50 pm 4 comments

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: