Posts tagged ‘language’

This is some Rosetta Stone shit …

(Language NSFW)

If Rosetta Stone’s marketing arm had some rock-hard cajones, that is …¬†oh, and wasn’t governed by our prudish regulatory system but whatever …

You KNOW this bitch won a CLIO!
Does kinda makes me wonder just what,
exactly, El Zol’s got me rockin’ to, though …
HA! ūüėČ

February 22, 2010 at 11:23 am 1 comment

Thanks for the concern and no, I don’t have a kid named *^!&#!!

yay1I am a great neighbor.

I will feed the dog when you’re out of town.
I will help you shutter should a hurricane come calling.
I will babysit the brats when you want your private sexy time.
And, of course, I will always have your back when the liquor runs low.

Yup – I am a GREAT neighbor … as long as you can deal with my Seasonal Weekend Tourette’s, that is.

Seasona … what?

Seasonal Weekend Tourette’s: An inherited disorder of the nervous system, characterized by an insatiable hunger for extra yardage, stiff arms and double coverage with occasional and unexplained movements (wall kicks, phone slams, fist pumps) and noises (what thuh?? You Gotta Be KIDDING Me! MUTHAH-FUKKKKKKUHHHHH!!!!!!!).

It’s ok – it runs in the family.
My dad has it,¬†his dad had it, two uncles on my mother’s side have it and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen¬†signs of it in my young nephew.
Lately I’ve been having some pretty nasty flareups which, apparently, haven’t gone unnoticed.

“Is everything ok?”¬†the dudette next door probed as I edged my driveway this weekend.

“Yeah, sure. Why?”

“Just been hearing a lot of yelling is all ” she trailed off, nervously¬†fingering her wedding ring.

Well, we have¬†had kinda coolish weather lately (for Florida)¬†so the hubster and I opened all the windows …

I bet¬†dudette misunderstood the¬†“WOOT WOOT! YEAAHHH BABY — get it, Git It,¬†GIT IT!!!!” that rang out from my house Thursday night when Cutler brought home the bacon for the Broncos.

I bet that’s it. But that’s not so bad! Pffshhh — big deal.
Ummm hmmmm …..

Mmmmmmm …… uuuhhhhhh …..

booThen agaiiinnnnn – now that I think about it¬†… she may have meant the “WHAT in the name of holy fuckTARDENESS are you doing?!? JACKASS! DUMBSHIT!!!” that’s kiiind of, sort of, possibly, in a roundabout way been screamed, shouted and screeched from various rooms in the rez since midway through¬†October.

Well! That’s when Romo went down! And T.O. has¬†been¬†a big ol’¬†useless bag o’ balls ever since!!

I can’t help it! I am powerless against my condition!
It’s not my fault!!!!

Trust me — you simply¬†cannot stop the cacophony of cussing that must be spewed forth when something like that happens.
You can’t.
Don’t do it.
Don’t¬†even try!
Seriously — you could rupture something.

So – I mean – I’m, like, all sorry to upset you and everything Mrs. Annoyed Neighbor Crybaby Whineyhead, but I suffer from SWT (aggravated by poor Fantasy Football performance) and there’s no cure ’till February.
::: … the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?¬†… :::

Can I still come to the holiday block party?

November 12, 2008 at 4:46 pm 5 comments

The pigs are flying!

Test Time!
When both sides completely stop talking about issues, ONLY snipe at each other and go effing nuts over¬† dumbass, bullshit, crapass common clich√©s –¬†we have:
A. Less than two months until election day
B. All lost sight of what matters
C. No hope of educating the electorate
D. All of the above

Sexy GILF Sarah Palin used the word ‘lipstick’ in her acceptance speech and suddenly any use of the word is off limits because it is somehow disparaging to her or her womanhood?
::: Ummm, like no n’ stuff? :::

Nutshell moment:
The phrase ‘you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’ll still be a pig’ has been around forfuckingEVER and is usually used to describe products, services, campaigns and so on that suck, stink, are putrid and won’t fly – no matter how fancy their packaging, message¬†or delivery.

But, you know,¬†that’s just how I’ve always heard it used.
I never checked the ‘Alaskan’ etymology.
::: neither did Big Mac :::

His Maverick Beefiness used it in a speech late last year in Des Moines, Iowa to articulate how he felt about his future running mate – HAHA, no, just kidding! He was referring to Hillary Clinton’s health care plan, silly!¬†(graph 13 if you’re playing along at home):
“I think they put some lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig,” he said of her health-care plan.

Now, acid flashbacks aside – my memory’s pretty good yet I can’t recall legions of outraged Dems accusing him or the GOP of likening Clinton to a pig … but – then again – they called her everything else in the book (and so did folks in her own party, if we’re being fair here) so it may have gone unnoticed …

But it does seem like folks have been puttin’ lipstick on pigs for a long time! Has it always about Her Alaskan Hotness??

…. hmmmm, let’s see! ….

Was it about her on November 2, 2004 when Vice President Dick Cheney used it?
“As we say in Wyoming, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig,” Cheney quipped in a stump speech, referring to¬†Her Supreme Sexiness – HAHA, kidding again!! He was referring to¬†John Kerry and his assertions he would have been a credible war president.

Ok then … was it about GILFy on August 6, 2004 when an editorial in the New York Daily News used it? Page 46, Column 1:
“As in so many cases, the lesson here is that no matter (how?–ed.) much lipstick you put on a pig, you’ve still got a pig.”
::: Again, like no n’ stuff? :::

Ok, ok. You got me on that one, but what about November 16, 1985 Рwhen the Washington Post used the phrase? Page 1, Column 1?
SAN FRANCISCO, Nov. 15– KNBR, the AM radio station carrying the Giants baseball games, had raised $20,000 toward the construction of a new downtown stadium. The board of supervisors, reluctant to commit to such a project, asked if they couldn’t use the money to renovate Candlestick Park.
“That,” replied KNBR personality Ron Lyons, “Would be like putting lipstick on a pig.”
::: DENIED! :::

Man, this is HARD, y’all!

But¬†it MUST have been about Her Sexy Snowyness¬†with¬†the March 24, 1995 use of the phrase in the New York Times … riiight? Page A22:
Representative Patricia Schroeder of Colorado called them “cosmetic amendments” and said: “It’s like putting lipstick on a pig. When you’re through, you still have a pig.”
::: No?? Again?!? :::

Well then – what about this even older reference from the Times on November 9, 1988?? Pages A1 AND A18:
And on “This Week,” Mr. Boehner said: “There was really no clear agenda for the year, And when there’s no agenda and there’s no real direction, what happens is you can’t–you really can’t have a message. You can put lipstick on a pig all day long, but it’s still a pig.”
::: Ummm, yeah – not so much there either :::

Ok, so none of those were about Hottie Granny but you can’t tell me Time Magazine is innocent!

Time Magazine¬†was sooooo obviously gettin’ their lipstick-gate on when they published the History of the Electric Car – which is so CLEARLY about Her Ultimate Updo I almost can’t control myself:
Sticking a hybrid engine in a jumbo SUV is “putting lipstick on a pig,” says Ronald Hwang, vehicle policy director for the Natural Resources Defense Council, who argues that if GM is green serious, it should give up SUVs and build more efficient cars.

I know — like WOW, right?
Whew! I am so glad THAT is cleared up!

September 10, 2008 at 2:27 pm 5 comments

Dumb in Dallas

Intersection of Stupid and DumbassThe PC Police are at it again … this time¬†in¬†Dallas County, Texas where a snoozer of a meeting about traffic tickets turned all kinds of nasty as quick as 1-2-3 over the use of one of the world’s most common astronomy terms.

1. Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections office¬†“has become a black hole” because paperwork routinely gets lost there.

2. That caused Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, to shout¬†“Excuse me!” before correcting his pigment-deficient¬†colleague, saying the office has become a “white hole.”¬†

3. And that caused Judge Thomas Jones, also black, to demand an apology from whitey Mayfield for his racially insensitive comment.

Seriously people¬†— this again?!?
I feel a crying jag coming on.

For the record …
Black Hole:
  • An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
  • A great void; an abyss: The government created a bureaucratic black hole that swallows up individual initiative.
    Source: American Heritage Dictionary

    White Hole:
  • The reversal of a black hole.
  • A theoretical celestial object that ejects matter.
    Source: Unabridged (v 1.1)
  • ¬†

    I’ll grant you, so far the 2008 Verbal Retardation Award has to go to the Brits who wanted to ban ‘brainstorming’ in favor of ‘thought showering’¬† — but these Dallas County Commissioners have definitely earned themselves a most dishonorable mention in the ’20 Kinds of Asshatednessly Overboard Responses’ subcategory.

    What other perfectly legit words and phrases will we next be asked to quit?
    Hmmmmmmm …..

  • Will we never have another black out?
    ::: Los Angelinos rejoice — right? :::
  • Do they stop searching for the black box after plane crashes?
  • Will¬†companies have to stop reporting that they’re¬†in the black?
    ::: Not many are actually doing that right now anyway :::
  • Should¬†Sikorsky rename the Black Hawk helicopter — and (ACK!) what about Ridley Scott’s movie of the same name — guess that puppy’s got to be redone.
  • What’s to become of the folks currently living in Black Lick, Pennsylvania?
    ::: where o’ where will Aunt Midge’s mail go?!?!?! :::
  • Will Publix stop carrying black cherry soda?
  • Do I no longer have to fear black cats?
  • Can anarchists no longer fly their black flag?
  • Does Germany need to rename the Black Forest?
  • Will families no longer have black sheep?
    ::: don’t get excited Cleetus – you’ll always have that honor :::

  • God help the environmentalists once the aliens go PC …

    July 10, 2008 at 4:18 pm 6 comments

    Workin’ The Poll

    Americans have spoken … again.
    ::: crystal ball time, woo hooo!!!! :::

    Barry may have won the big barbecue contest but people with pets prefer their Maverick Beef!

    Yep – another idiotic¬†AP-Yahoo News poll found that pet owners favor John McCain over Barack Obama 42 percent to 37 percent, with dog owners particularly in McCain’s corner.
    ::: Can’t win ’em¬† all, Barry!! :::

    “From an image standpoint, nothing humanizes a candidate more than seeing him lovingly dote on his pet or toss a ball around on the White House lawn,” says American Kennel Club spokeswoman Lisa Peterson.
    ::: Well of course!!! I know I TOTALLY forget about that little ‘economy’ thing and that silly ‘war’ thing when I see Barney and Shrub cruisin’ the White House lawn together :::

    So an attaboy goes to¬†Big Mac in ‘Bid for the White House: Pet Edition’.
    Geez has a mess of ‘mules back on the prop — including dogs, turtles, a cat, birds and some fish.
    ::: I don’t think their pets. He and Noah were in the same class — I think he’s just getting ready … :::

    O’Beautiful, on the other hand, has no pets.
    ::: Mmmm-hmmmm. Exactly what one would expect from a known terrorist fist jabber!!! :::

    ¬†“I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person ‚ÄĒ caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners,” said Massachusetts¬†resident Janet Taylor.
    ::: Janet’s a shoo-in for re-election as President of the Michael Vick Fan Club!! :::

    What’s next?
    The ‘Americans who know their exact tire pressure” poll?!?

    July 9, 2008 at 3:36 pm 1 comment

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