Posts tagged ‘lame’

Oh HELL No!


This amuses me.
How I didn’t know about this before is beyond me — but it amuses me still.

See, years ago, townsfolk in Kingsville, Texas brought the Heck Naw to the gold standard of worldwide welcomes and replaced that bitch with 100% dumbfuck.

At the urging of some twit named Leonso Canales Jr. — who got his britches in a big ol’ bunch over the ‘hell’ in ‘hello’ — commissioners went full retard and unanimously designated “heaven-o” as the county’s official greeting.

Those twats even passed a resolution on that mess – resolving to not just adopt nutsack’s “universal greeting” [WTF?] “as the official greeting of Kleberg County and a symbol of peace, friendship, and welcome” but also to commend his “positive approach … and dedication to the community.” 

And I get it.
I mean, ok — so dude wanted to do something positive.
pozactS’cool. I’m down.

Soooo why not pass a resolution on the positive effects of volunteering in the community and requiring everyone do volunteer at least 2 hours every week?
And what about a resolution about the positive outcome recycling has on the community and give everyone new bins to help the effort?
Or how about a resolution about the positivity of literacy and how everyone is invited to free reading seminars and book club meetings at the local library?

Because none of that shit invokes PURE EVIL like the dreaded hello!

Which is sad because that must mean the rez translated to other words that summon Satan simply by being said.

You know, like I bet it’s stressful in ol’ Kingsville now that everyone has to know everything about everything all the time since no one is allowed to be shellshocked anymore.

And I’m sure it’s got to be more than a little restrictive for the local football team to want to win REAL bad … but not be permitted get hellbent on the idea.

And you gotta know you are just twenty kinds of screwed if you’re in a rush and someone starts blah blah-ing to you about this shit or that crap or some other mess because now they have free reign to just drone on and on and on and on and on since no one’s allowed to put it in a nutshell anymore.

Damn.

But hey — at least no one in Kingsville lives in a hellhole and I bet everyone there is all relaxed and peaceful-like now that the peeps aren’t permitted to walk on eggshells.

Too bad about Shelly though.
I bet her friends really miss her …

June 12, 2009 at 2:48 pm 3 comments

Strategy FAIL


Now this is forward-thinking.
This is smart.

HAHAHAnoooo, not in the slightest!
I’ve come to expect NONE of that from any of the rags so deep in denial of their suckitude that they still have the balls to call themselves bringers of ‘news’.

CASE STUDY!
Since January, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel has laid off more than 60 people in an effort to cut costs, trim budgets and Band-Aid that big ol’ boo boo known ’round the world as a cash hemorrhage.

They’re eliminating positions like ‘editor’ ‘reporter’ (or, as John Q. Public ssfailwould call ’em: Fact/Spell/Don’t Get Sued/Detail Checkers) in favor of positions like ‘blogger’ and ‘i-reporter’ (which is just a nice way of saying ‘Thanks for the free content, suckweed!).

But despite all of this dramatic bootstrappin’ and cost-cuttin’ and diggin’ deep to find the fix – someone at the Sentinel gave the green-light to employ some skiff to cull through Failblog.org to find the funnies they clearly can’t come up with on their own.

Now, don’t get me wrong.
I love me some Fail Blog! (I also totally my engrishfunny, lolcats and, well, EVERYTHING at the Cheezburger network!)

I have spent many a drunk, sober, angry, happy, confused and otherwise conscious moment clicking through for the heehee and wishing I could be so eloquently inappropriate.
::: it’s an art … :::

But I’m not going around all Zell-ified, whacking people in the shins with the layoff stick whilst hiding behind a facade of purported fiscal responsibility at the same time paying some dumbass to ‘find funny pictures’ as part of a dopey gimmick to artificially inflate crappy stats to justify jacking ppc.

But, you know – that’s probably because I’m constantly amazed you bitches actually like the wretched waste I write … well, that and the fact that my shit’s not ‘a business’ and theirs is.
Meaning if they don’t make a buck they don’t give a fuck.

So instead of getting a clean, easily navigated online offering, we get a homepage crammed with horsheshit we can find virtually everywhere else, while the stuff they have that’s actually worth a look (Chan Lowe) is buried at the bottom of a NINE SCROLL page.
::: DESIGN FAIL! :::

It’s clear the folks corporate suits calling the shots at newspapers these days don’t get it – and the truly sad part is that they don’t seem to be very interested in trying.
And why would they, when they can just drop some coin and rip off a more popular site’s content? Right?

*sigh

Not to repeat myself … but ok, yeah, sort of:
Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a humor blog/gossip sheet.

I reeeeeeeaaalyyyyy hope it’s a newspaper, because I’d check your shit out when I want, like, NEWS and stuff!

As for the rest?
We already have Wonkette, Stuff White People Like, Confessions of A Pioneer Woman, I Don’t Like You In That Way, Neatorama, Gawker, Jezebel, The Superficial, Go Fug Yourself, Drunken Stepfather, Lainey Gossip, the entire Sugar Inc. family and, oh holy fuck, just so many others for our FREE daily scoop of cool, tawdry, funny, wrong on so many levels but you have to read it anyway … ya, it’s covered.

Stick to your roots and stop picking the fruit from the other trees.
It’s annoying – ‘kay snookums?

SOURCE

June 10, 2009 at 5:29 pm 4 comments

What SHE said


Free-speech fuckery!!

The valedictorian of Springstead High School in lurrrvly Spring Hill, Florida penned herself a positively whimsical, witty and wholly entertaining jemlugovaledictorian speech and was feeling several kinds of justifiably wonderful about her word choices — until a couple of intellectual inbreds brought the hell naw and commanded a rewrite.

“I was shocked,” Jem Lugo said. “It’s not what I had expected.”

Not what she expected because she’d written a speech she felt honored her class and gave them something special. Was it a little ‘Inside Baseball’? Maybe — but if the audience gets it isn’t that, you know, like THE POINT?!?

She sent copies to some students and got positive feedback.
“[They] enjoyed my speech. They got the inside jokes. They connected with it.”

And with that you’d think the super-speech trifecta would be in play.
You’d be wrong.

“The valedictorian speech is a reflection over the past four years of a student’s life,” Principal Susan Duval said. “It’s about what direction the class is going in the future.”
::: Really? And, now just where would I find the stone that’s written on?? :::

She called Lugo a “very bright young lady with a bright future,” [Ed Note: Umm helloooooo – THAT is a given – that hot slut’s HARVARD-bound!] but said the race for valedictorian was “very tight.”
::: *sniff* do I smell a thinly-veiled threat? :::

“A lot of kids could’ve been up there speaking,” she said.
::: *sniff  SNIFF * :::

Lugo recalled a faculty advisor telling her that if she didn’t write a more appropriate speech, someone else would be chosen.
::: *SNIFF* hold the ‘thinly-veiled’ :::

Superintendent Wayne Alexander admitted he hadn’t actually, you know, like read the speech or anything, but said the school was justified in strong-arming its star student into rewriting it.
::: Teach the children – teach them well … to fucking do what their fucking told …:::

“I can see the inappropriateness of such a speech,” he said after a portion was read to him over the phone. “I can see that clearly … Graduation is a significant day in the lives of students and their families. It should be treated with the respect and significance it deserves.”
::: Actually, it’s mostly a day for opening cards stuffed with money from relatives and an evening of underage partying … but maybe that was just my experience??? :::

So did she go with her original speech or did she cave to The Man and read a rewrite at last night’s commencement ceremonies??
::: Enquiring minds wanna know! :::

She caved.
I haz sadz …

She went down – but at least she went down swinging — in the only way a high school senior not yet aware of her real power can.
She felt the words she was forced to write amounted to nothing more than a textbook speech — so she gave it a textbook reading.
::: she did manage to get in some verbal jabs –  the kid’s got promise, yo! :::

“The most important thing that I could think to tell you tonight is to remember where you came from,” she told her classmates. “Stay true to who you are and who you have become throughout the past four years. Do not conform your values or your personality for the sake of anyone else’s … Do not relinquish your individuality to correspond with the common standard.”

She should know …

(Thanks for the heads up on this one TW!!)

SOURCE

June 5, 2009 at 12:10 pm 10 comments

It’s hard out there for a ho!


Not content with publicly buttfucking common sense in the ear every chance she gets, Sarah Palin has found another foe, y’all!!

THE INTERWEBS!

At her behest (and using her letterhead) The Alaska state attorney general’s office sent www.crackho.com management a misspelled cease and desist order for – they say – hijacking their beautimously fabulous state seal.
::: HO TREACHERY!!! :::

“It has come to our attention that the website www.crackho.com has hijacked a State of Alaska webpage,” the letter warns Shoe Latif.
“Featured on this webpage is the official seal of the State of Alaska. Alaska law prohibits the use of  the official seal of the State of Alaska without permission.”
::: Sooooo Mavericky! :::

Now, I’m no scholar or anything — but all that ‘prohibition’ must mean that sites like vector-images.com, oldfordroad.wordpress.com,  www.anyflag.com and any of the other gozillion websites displaying or linking to the glorious symbol have written permission to do so.

Well sure!
‘Cuz they have to!!
IT’S THE LAW!!!

poutypalinEh … well, either that or nobody gives a flying fuck because they don’t have “crackho” as part of their domain name.
::: DING DING DING!!!!!! We have a winner!!! :::

Too bad it’s all moot now that Shoe shat herself a couple of brickety bricks, took down her site and put up a sad (and seriously unnecessary, girlfriend!! We should totally talk!!) mea culpa smothered in jibes, covered in digs with a smattering of hee hees aimed at the Alaskan Notness and her Supreme Idiocy.

Shoe, frealz hon? That trick isn’t worth the HTML effort it took you to href her bitch ass in the first place. No lie! M’kay snookums?
Just don’t go and do anything more severe to your site … unless, of course, you wanna sell the Cookie that sweet sweet domain name, of course!

SOURCE
SOURCE

May 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm 2 comments

Hannity’s Insanity


Because there are no interns to scare now that winter break is over, Sean Hannity has turned his sneer elsewhere and applied his cracktastic reasonings to the recent water landing of US Airways flight 1549.

After looking at NO evidence and talking to NO people in any official capacity whatsoever — Shamity has determined the cause:
New York Senator Charles Schumer … a DEMOCRAT … is responsible!
::: He must have worked overtime on that one — didn’t even take him a week to blame a dem … even the blind saw that one coming :::

According to ‘Hannity’s America”:

Back in 2004, the New York Senator saw to it that a $200,000 earmark went to GeesePeace. Now, this is an animal rights group that devotes itself to saving Canada geese through non-lethal methods. Now, this was Schumer’s attempt to solve the problem of overpopulation of geese, some of which live on Riker’s Island. That’s directly in the flight path of La Guardia airport. Now, the perilous result of this plan was seen on Thursday when the same breed of geese, Canada geese, downed US Airways flight 1549. Now, maybe our lawmakers should focus on preventing such tragedies rather than empowering groups that seem to care more about the birds than the safety of Americans.

Ok, so now, just in case his Haldol and helium-fueled powers of deduction confuse you — we have boiled his lunatic logic down into an equally confusing Haldol and helium-fueled Venn diagram.

Note to NTSB: Hannity’s got this … you can go play now.

hannitylogic

WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 19, 2009 at 10:04 pm 5 comments

This aggression will not stand!


I am being bullied, people!

ohnomlkEhh, well maybe not ‘bullied’ but I am being told that my one-person, lameass ‘tribute’ to the heroic legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., does not cut the mustard.

Oh sure — like what — you’re head’s gonna pop the fuck off if I put on my big girl panties for, like, 20 seconds?!?
::: I really can’t wear them longer than that :::

Did you not see the bigass ginormity of the photo I have there of MLK?!? LOOK — you see it!
And what about those three chunkifiably hearty links directly below the bigass ginormous photo of MLK?!?

GAWD!!!

I am trying to have a serious moment here and what do I get for my efforts to be mainstream … to be legitimate … to be fucking acceptible for the fucking kiddies for one fucking goddamned day?!?

I get emails all about ‘I don’t get it. Why is that funny?’  and ‘What the hell was that? That’s it?’ and ‘I don’t come here to be preached to’
::: Because (in order)  it is, it might be and of COURSE you do! :::

Oh — and I get a phone call from a certain green eyed girl who is, like, several kinds of ‘NOT HAPPY’ about today’s offering and how she needs ‘a long one today’.
::: … Oh god honey — don’t we all!! :::

So what to do?
Is the straight shit a no-no here?
You tell me!

January 19, 2009 at 4:38 pm 10 comments

FYI – this is what a credible threat looks like


We point and laugh now when Osama bin Laden emerges from his cave of wicked villainy just long enough to issue a murderous edict, test his Panzerfaust 3 or order some yummy Chinese takeout — but when some douchebag Cheesehead loser gets all threateny regarding my boyfriend well, THAT is some shit you just know we’re gonna check three thousand kinds of out!

Wisconsin’s own greasy Propecia posterboy – Steven Joseph Christopher – was taken into custody by the Secret Service in Mississippi yesterday and charged with threatening to assassinate The People’s Prince for what he claimed was “the country’s own good.”

steven-joseph-christopherAuthorities said numbnuts made the threats against O’Baby on January 11 and 15 on the Web site http://www.alien-earth.org.

“Yes, I have decided I will assassinate Barack Obama. It’s really nothing personal about the man,” dipshit said. “But I know it’s for the country’s own good that I do this.”
::: Can you say delusional-loser-with-significant-self-esteem-issues-and-a-raging-case-of the-‘I-am-somebody’s’???  I CAN!!! :::

An affidavit from Secret Service Special Agent Kelly Adcox quotes wannabe murderboy as saying he’s not making these dumbass threats because of racism or anything wicked or sinister like that — oh no — he’s no racist, so pay nooooo attention whatsoever to his totally unbigoty ‘Fuck You, Jew’ YouTube clipette.
::: Apparently prejudice is the ‘New Black’ … :::

No one seems to know for sure what the fuck this fucking idiot was doing in America’s Armpit at the time of his arrest, but online court records in Wisconsin — which is like so not Mississippi and stuff —  show someone with three first names and with the same birthdate as chowdahead was charged last February in Wisconsin with knowingly violating a domestic abuse restraining order.

After viewing his Youtube Psychoanalysis of You video – it’s pretty clear that Wisconsin paid the Southern Whorestate to take him in, give him shelter and a camcorder so that when his eventual arrest DID happen it would be with a Mississippi dateline.
::: Well played Wisconsin! Well played! :::

Dumbass also used his online postings to solicit funds for bus fare — which everyone knows is  THE preferred travel method of hitmen, assassins and general ne’er do wells worldwide — to Washington, D.C.

“And I’ll need a leak in the secret service to get a close up shot, somewhere close to the podium, since I’ve never fired a gun, so I need to an easy shot off. Wattdysay fellas? Any help?”

Poor Stevie – you just know he’s sitting in his padded cell, drooling uncontrollably while picking lint from his belly button and wondering where it all went wrong … just how – OH HOW GOD HOW – his foolproof plan could have gone so horribly awry.

January 17, 2009 at 3:18 pm 20 comments

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