Posts tagged ‘judicial’

Droll Tide

It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.


Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!


December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

Dumbass of the Day

Meet David Mlynick –>

David Mlynick is a doer.

Unfortunately, David Mlynick is not a thinker.

See, David Mlynick wanted to do some personal product misplacement so he and a friend trotted down to the nearest Publix to get themselves a five-finger discount on some tasty TAG body spray.

With clever names like Stay Up, Step Out and Get Yours — who doesn’t want to get TAGged? Because you know the only thing standing in the way of David Mlynick and some fine-ass poontang is a shot of that sweet spray, right? Oh yeah …

Alas, David Mlynick’s plan took a turn toward stupid after the bumbling burglars got caught with their booty.

According to a Broward County Sheriff’s Office report, some hawk-eyed Publix employees spotted Stinky McStinkerson and his sidekick swiping the spray and went all ‘Hey dudes — put that back!’
Sidekick dude was all ‘damn, ya got me – ok’ and put the product back like the shitty little wannabe criminal he is.

But not David Mlynick.

Desperado was all ‘hell to the no with that action’, fled the scene and dashed over to the Dollar Store where he thought safety was a sure bet since it would be completely crowded as it’s the only store people can afford to shop in anymore.

But the only deal David Mlynick would find at the Dollar Store would be a bad one after running smack into Publix manager Vincent Harris, who was waiting for the clumsy klepto with a big ol’ cup of ‘TAG — you’re it, scumwad!’
::: Dirty Harris missed his calling :::

Mlynick “responded by becoming belligerent” and pulled out his piece … THE weapon of choice for 12-year-olds, range rejects and crappy criminals everywhere … a BB gun.
::: HARD CORE, yo! :::

And faster than you can say ‘Prison Bitch’ – in moved the boys in blue, on went the big silver bracelets and David Mlynick was arrested for ‘robbery with a weapon’.

The criminal mastermind was booked into the Broward County jail, where we’re pretty sure he’s making LOTS of new best friends with his hot little sweet-smelling self!

‘nite ‘nite boyfriend!


October 22, 2008 at 2:46 pm 3 comments


A ‘jury of his peers’ (which contained exactly zero African Americans) found O.J. Simpson guilty Friday of all 12 counts in the armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers at a Las Vegas, Nevada, casino hotel last year.
::: maybe they define ‘peer’ differently out there in Vegas … ::: 

Simpson, 61, and his co-defendant Clarence “C.J.” Stewart, 54, were charged with a dozen offenses stemming from the sports memorabilia heist. Stewart was found guilty of the same charges as Simpson.

The two men could spend the rest of their lives in prison. Clark County District Judge Jackie Glass set sentencing for December 5.

If you weren’t sure what to get them for Christmas before – now you know.

October 4, 2008 at 1:34 pm 8 comments

Do NOT prey on the peen

Flaccid men everywhere – REJOICE!

The founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which makes the male enhancement drug Enzyte, was sentenced to 25 years in prison by a federal judge in Cincinnati.
::: Bob’s not smiling so much now … :::

The judge ruled that Steve Warshak,
soon to have this view —–>
convicted on charges including fraud and money laundering, must begin serving his 25-year sentence within 30 days.
::: fresh meat on the way, fellas – meet Steve Shawshank! :::

“This case is about greed,” the judge said.
::: NO SHIT! :::
“His family and the people who work for him are also victims of his greed.”
::: eh, I kinda gotta think they sorta kinda liked the money tho … :::

A federal jury found that Warshak, his company and several other defendants were guilty of victimizing thousands of their customers by misrepresenting their products.
::: you mean wheat grass and dirt doesn’t make a teeny peeny perk right the fuck up!?!:::

In addition to the prison sentence, the judge ordered the defendants to pay more than $500 million to the victims of their scheme.

Hey judge – does that ‘victim’ category include their horny, dissatisfied partners as well?

August 29, 2008 at 10:31 am 1 comment

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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