Posts tagged ‘joe biden’

Wicked Witch of the North found – in Michigan!


Kids in Gross Pointe Farms, Michigan got a real scare this Halloween … from the Wicked Witch of the North herself – homeowner Shirley Nagel – who handed out candy exclusively to the offspring of admitted McCain supporters.
::: No Kit-Kats or M&M’s for YOU, Obama brats! :::

Nasty Nagel brought out the Snickers, Skittles and Starburst on Friday night but refused the sweet treats for all those who didn’t share her support for the Republican presidential candidate and his running mate Sarah Palin.
::: oh yeah, THAT’LL teach ’em! :::

A sign outside her house reads:
“No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters.”

After calling O’Beautiful “scary” she said it was just fine and dandy to turn children away – empty handed and crying on Halloween — because “Everybody has a choice.”
::: Keep it classy, Shirley – keep it classy! ::: 

Check election idiocy in all its raging glory on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbkBE0lWeYU

Advertisements

November 2, 2008 at 2:41 pm 7 comments

Something’s missing


Joe the Plumber’s on board and so is Joe Six Pack.
Heck, even the grand-poobah of political peepaws himself – Joe Biden – is accounted for.
Yet scant days before the most important election in the entire history of all historical electionations ever to have taken place among the esteemed electorate inhabiting all corners of the Milky Way – we seem to have misplaced a Joe!

Where is the crucial Blow endorsement?!?

Don’t the candidates know true, real Americans only care about a health care plan that includes a wide (I SAID WIDE, BITCHES!) array of drug benefits?!?
::: sorry, the morning Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet :::

America isn’t a melting pot as much as it is a medicine cabinet. You can pop a pill for anything that ails ya!

Want to lose weight? Can’t get it up? Blood pressure too high? Thinning hair? Stressed out? Allergies? Common cold? Muscle aches? Stubbed toe? Hangnail?
Take a pill! It’s the American way!

Drugs are a part of everything that is truly American and, therefore, should be embraced as a key pivotal political issue.

Baseball: Steroids
Apple Pie: Preservatives
Mom: Lasix

Whether you’re a craggy AARP Q-Tip workin’ a Plavix fix or a common crack whore searchin’ for some half track – YOU, Mrs. America, have needs no employer-backed plan can possibly cover.

Oh sure, this is a nation of Nickelonians who will nod politely at the ‘You Betchas’ and give nudges of approval to notions of hopification and audaciousness. But make no mistake — it’s also a nation who wants to see their Joe, their ‘everyman’, courted by one of the campaigns too!

When will we hear Big Mac talk about the importance of scoring some bargain-basement Botox for his bride?
::: no stranger to chemical intervention she :::
Where does my boyfriend stand on the critical role the average clucker plays?
::: ‘cuz people pull some crazy ass shit over the rising cost of crank! :::

With granny’s medications costing more than her mortgage, and Vita-G costing a real one – there simply is no bigger pocketbook issue than this one!

The ‘war’ is over — tick tock, fellas!

October 29, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Mock the vote


Sometimes I think my neighbors believe our electoral process is being watched by a little thing I like to call THE ENTIRE WORLD.
::: Sometimes I also think my neighbors have broccoli hair and are filled with pudding instead of lungs and connective tissue and stuff, but that’s another story … :::

Maybe it is, but if there’s one thing you can say about America it’s that we don’t care about the rest of the world. We ARE the world …
::: wait, we’re not?!? :::

And so, with barely five weeks to go and soooooo many issues in dire need of address (economy, war, economy, energy, economy, terror, economy, drugs, economy …) my neighbors actually think we ought to be knee-deep in thought-provoking discussions and debates on those issues.
::: HAHAHAHAHA — like THAT would ever happen! They’re so cute … :::

I bet they’d just love to sit their puddin’ butts down and listen to O’Baby and His Maverick Beefiness talk about boring things like fixing the economy or reducing our dependence of foreign oil or doing something in the Middle East or putting a chicken in every pot or some other bullshit – but where’s the fun in that, broccoli head!?!

Nowhere – that’s where! Besides, who has the time?

Between terrorist fist jabs and spinning words into chains of gold that rain down from the heavens as sunshiny rays of hopification for the massses – exaclty when would my boyfriend have a free moment for your precious ‘issues’?!?

And Big Mac and The Alaskan Hotness? The May-December Mavericks are the only patriots left in the whole country!! They can’t take time out from saving us from ourselves to pay attention to your crybaby political desires!

If you want to hear a bunch of blah blah about ‘issues’ and junk, I suggest you join the Comedy Central Party — the loudmouthed retarded bastard child of the American political process and the only  place you can get your fill of all the crap the other candidates won’t touch.

CC Party nominees Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart won’t lie to you. Why would they? They don’t even know you! It doesn’t matter to them who you vote for.
Oh hell, for all they care – you can take your vote and shove it!
And, because they don’t care, you know you can trust them. See?
::: Ficticious comedianidates you can believe in! :::

YAY!!!!!
Noooo – I’m just kidding, broccolihead.
::: But not about Colbert and Stewart not caring about you.
They don’t.
Really. :::

I’m kidding about that whole political party thing.
::: kinda like the real candidates! :::
There are no comedianidates running for office.
::: I know, it’s hard to accept … be strong! :::

Sad to say, but the upcoming issue of Entertainment Weekly is probably closest that pair will ever get to the Oval Office.

On the cover, they’re either totally making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … OR … they’re making fun of making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … ORRRR … they really are militant terrorists out to get you!!!! 

HAHAHAHAHA – just kidding, West Virginians!!

Seriously guys, put your guns away!
It’s a spoof, you know? A parody? Made up stuff that’s supposed to be funny????

… mountain people …

September 26, 2008 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

Biden his time?


Well poo on toast! It wasn’t me — how did that happen?!?
ACK …

O’Beautiful chose the guy who kinda sorta insulted him some moons ago. Strange bedfellows indeed
::: soooooo should have been me as the bedfellow-ette tho … 😦 :::

Wait — didn’t he say …

“I am not running for vice president. I would not accept it if anyone offered it to me. The fact of the matter is I’d rather stay as chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee than be vice president.”

Yup, that was hot peepaw Joe Biden – during an interview with Fox (eww, I know) Television after dropping out of the 2008 Democratic Primaries.

Biden’s run for prez four times before with less luck than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
::: ouch :::

New Math: Obama + Biden = two senators with zero executive experience but want, Want, WANT!!!

THIS is gonna be fun 🙂

August 23, 2008 at 12:28 pm 1 comment

The Chosen 1’s No. 2


OMG — IT’S ME!!!!!

I am totally The Chosen One‘s chosen one!
::: I’m soooo ready!! :::

According to CNN:
Sen. Barack Obama called some people on his shortlist for the vice presidential slot Thursday night to tell them he had not selected them as a running mate, a highly placed Democratic Party source said.
::: my phone did not ring ONCE last night :::

The source did not say which people got the call.
::: Losers – that’s who! :::

Obama has told some other potential running mates over the last few weeks that he would not be choosing them.
::: Suck it, losers!!!:::

For the record:
I  have not gotten ANY  calls from Barry.
Not one.
Ever.

So that means, like, a THOUSAND percent that I’m the one ‘The One’ wants!!!!

It’s so obvious! Don’t you see?
My boyfriend has not called me, ever – at any point in the history of the known universe – to ever let me know that I would not ever be his vice presidential running mate.

“I won’t comment on anything else until I introduce our running mate to the world,” O’Beautiful told reporters in Emporia, Virginia. “That’s all you’re going to get out of me.”
::: He totally values our privacy :::

Oh, I know – everyone’s been all ‘Evan Bayh is soooo contemporary, totally buzzworthy’
::: ‘cept, umm, not so much. Bye Bayh!!! :::

And some folks were even all ‘Ooo, that Joe Biden’s got something’
::: kinda hot for a peepaw – but that kind of sump’n sump’n won’t cut it on the campaign trail :::

And lots of folks have even been runnin’ around talkin’ up Tim Kaine.
But, let’s be honest — who wants to look at Scott McClellan for four eight years ever?!?
::: just. too. creepy! :::

Nope – it’s me! And I can’t WAIT to move into Barry’s Bungalow The White House and plunder O’Baby’s, *ahem*  War Chest!
::: bow chicka bow bow :::

And now that the stupid, lame-O restraining order has been lifted — Squinty and the boys can all go pound sand – cuz The Cookie will be bringin’ it STALKER-STYLE  to the convention!

Denver here I come!!!!

August 22, 2008 at 6:23 pm 5 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: