Posts tagged ‘job’

Apparently, I don’t heart me


I work.
I work a lot.
And (like it’s a big secret here at LIAC?!) lately I am working more than ever.

I say I don’t mind.
It’s project-related.
It’s not long-term.

But I kind of mind.
And Mr. Cookie REALLY minds.

For all of the good reasons you’re already thinking.

Plus one.

According to a new study, I’m screwed.

See, a bunch of big brains over at the Finnish Institute of Occupational Health and University College London pooled their gray matter to do some serious CSI-type researchification on the long-term damage being overworked can do.

It was no great revelation that being overworked is bad for you.
That’s the kind of 2+2 shit I can work out in my own head.

What was just the teensiest smidge of uh oh was reading that people (like me) who work more than 10 hours a day (HAHAHAHA – only TEN? Fucking lightweights!) are about 60% more likely to develop heart disease or have a heart attack than people who clock just seven hours a day.

60%.
I am so screwed!

The study followed more than 6,000 British civil servants with no history of heart disease for an average of 11 years.
During the study, a total of 369 people had heart attacks (some of them fatal) or were diagnosed with heart disease after seeking medical attention for chest pain.

I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED!!

Fuckitalltohellandbacknow I need a drink … and I’d HAVE one too … if I wasn’t at work …

SOURCE

May 13, 2010 at 11:14 am 4 comments

Happy Layoff To You, Happy Layoff To You!


Old and busted: Surprising the birthday girl with streamers, balloons and cake on her special day
New Hotness: Surprising the birthday girl with the prospect of being laid off on her special day

A certain green-eyed girl I know is about to have a birthday.
A very important birthday.
A 29th birthday which, as we all know, is the true and undeniable symbolic end to the folly and childlike innocence drunken nonstop insanity of youth … which, as we all know, calls for a party with streamers, balloons and cake.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
NOT THIS TIME, BIOTCH!!

[NAME REDACTED],
Please be advise you are required to attend a confidential meeting on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in the HR conference room.  Your manager will advise you of the meeting agenda on that date.

Regards
[NAME REDACTED]
Human Resources Employment Manager

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhhh, let me just tell you there is NO joy quite as joyously joyful as the act of freaking a friend’s shit so bad that every drop of blood drains from her face in less than a nanosecond!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
GOOD TIMES!

But the best part isn’t even the wickedly FANTABULOUS HR prank – which, as we all know, is HELLAMEGAYEAH great.
Nope.
The best part was her hubster’s advice:

“I think that no matter what you should wear a party hat to the meeting. That way if it is a birthday thing then you’ve shown them that you weren’t fooled.

If, on the other hand, it is a firing – they simply cannot fire you … not wearing a birthday hat.

And if it is a departmental downsizing then they’ll want to keep you because you’ve obviously got the best attitude … you know … wearing a party hat to the down sizing.”

ÜBERHELLAMEGAYEAH!!!!!

Party City here I come!!!

*smooches girl*

April 7, 2010 at 10:02 am 6 comments

Aim high


Four Detroit public high schools are embarking on a bold new plan to instill the drive for success in their students by guaranteeing them glitter, Riches and SECURITY in return for hard work and superachievery study habits!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Nooooo.

But they can help you get a job at Wal-Mart.

A new partnership between the daytime youth warehouses and the megagiant retail competition-crusher gives students future Made in China peddlers 10 shiny credits toward graduation, 11 superfun weeks of job-readiness training during the schoolday and *PAYDIRT* an after-school entry-level job at the store.
::: Cha … klink … 😦 :::

The Detroit Free Press talked to the principal of one of the schools who sounded positively giddy at the idea of trading his students’ future for finite financial gain.
“The program will allow students an opportunity to earn money and to be exposed to people from different cultures — since all of the stores are in the suburbs.”

Oh yes.
Because we all know how enlightening, elegant and all-around educational the People of Wal-Mart really are! —>

Not so giddy about the plan was Donna Stern, the Midwest coordinator for the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action, Integration & Immigrant Rights And Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary (BAMN).
“They’re going to train students to be subservient workers,” she said. “This is not why parents send them to school.”

Now, it’s true that Detroit has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, so helping anyone get a job there is a true mitzvah.
And it’s also true that the school system has been run into the ground harder than ValuJet Flight 592, with frightful financials leading to layoffs and the closing of nearly 30 schools … and there’s about a hundredmilliongozillion percentage points of absolute certainty that there’s more where that came from.

So, you can close schools and you can layoff teachers but those pesky kids are gonna keep on comin’ – which begs the question: What DO you do with them?

Well? What?

Wait …You think I have a plan?!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Nooooo.

It’s Detroit!
They’re all fucked as far as I can see!

All I know is that if I’m one of those students, I’m taking ‘How to be a Wal-Mart Greeter 101′ and gettin’ my sweet ass an easy A!

SOURCE

February 26, 2010 at 11:17 am 4 comments

God is good ’till he gets your ass FIRED!


Newspaper Headline: Home Depot worker wears ‘under God’ button, then gets fired

Story (nutshell version): Guy wears ‘One nation under God’ button to work at Home Depot, gets verbal warnings to cut it out but nothing happens ’till he starts bringing his Bible to the biz — then things got all employment terminationey and now he’s whining that Home Depot is anti-God and anti-troops.

Editorial Comment: Seriously?
This shit again?
Not news.

Bottom Line: You tried to get away with something. It didn’t work. Get over it.

Like most businesses, Home Depot has a dress code policy states noncompany buttons, regardless of their message or content, are not allowed.
Don’t like it? Don’t work there.

Company spokesdude Craig Fishel said Home Depot has a “proud history” of supporting the military, and that it sanctions several of its own buttons for employees to wear, including one that reads: “United We Stand.”

United We Stand … yep, I think that’s generally regarded as a universally supportive sentiment. Uh huh.

But Trevor Keezer’s buttonation wasn’t really just about supporting the troops.
“You can’t have country without God,” he said
::: actualy, Trev – you can :::

“Every pin they showed me had no ‘God’ on it or anything.”
::: OH GOD! :::

“I was told [my button] had to come off, or I would be sent home. So they sent me home for six straight days without pay. And then today they terminated me,” he said.
“It never crossed my mind to take off the button because I’m standing for something that’s bigger than I am.
::: Hmmm, bigger than you are … maybe I use that copout so I can wear my ‘Republitards are child touchers’ baby tee to work … :::

“They kept telling me the severity of what you’re doing and I just let God be in control and went with His plan.”
::: Looks like God’s the new Donald Trump, biatch! :::

Keezer says he didn’t set out to make a religious statement [yes he did], but now that he has, he believes he’s done the right thing. [Of course he does – he has to! It makes the unemployment line more tolerable.]

Listen kid, you must just be really new to the whole world of work … so let me break it down for you:
Employers actually do have the right (and sometimes obligation) to tell your hourly ass exactly what you can and cannot wear — otherwise we’d be run amok with camel toe, Daisy Dukes and decolletage …
::: Passable on a Saturday night at One Eyed Jack’s but not so much for the 9-5 :::

… or worse! — Klan garb, religious ridiculousness or *ACK* Palin paraphernalia!

Trust me kid — nobody wants that shit!

SOURCE

October 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm 7 comments

Minding YOUR Business


I want to know in what order officials of Bozeman, Montana hit the crackpipe each day.

Does the mayor get first dibbs or does that honor to go a sitting commissioner?
Because, I mean, if they’re not hittin’ the pipe, passing the doob or actively inebriated, like, ALL FUCKING DAY — then I don’t know how you justify the blatant paranoia that is their city job application policy.

See, in normal-type environs, Joe Jobseker knows that, after he fills out the requisite forms, he’s gonna have to trot his hot self down to Quest Diagnostics or the free clinic of some place to have his hemos and pees screened.

That’s just how it’s done – in most places.
But business gets handled a little differently in Bozeman.

To get a city job there, you better come prepared for a whole new pee test — the kind where you piss away your right to privacy!

Part jobapplicantof the selection process is a waiver statement applicants must sign, giving the city permission to conduct an investigation into the person’s “background, references, character, past employment, education, credit history, criminal or police records.”

Which sounds like the usual blah blah — if you don’t keep reading.

“Please list any and all, current personal or business websites, web pages or memberships on any Internet-based chat rooms, social clubs or forums, to include, but not limited to: Facebook, Google, Yahoo, YouTube.com, MySpace, etc.”

Wait. What?

Uh huh! Big Brother is from Bozeman!!

Those bitches even provide additional space for candidates to jot down their user names and passwords!
::: PWNED! :::

That is some serious ‘they’rewatchingme Iknowthey’retalkingaboutmecan’t someonestopethevoicesINMYHEAD’ fucked up shit!!

And how in the hell did I miss the protests!?! The boycotts!?!?! The public cries of outrage over such a heavy-handed and completely intrusive bully-move!?!?!?!

What’s that?
There weren’t any?

Nuh uh.

City Attorney Greg Sullivan says no one has ever removed his or her name from consideration for a job over the city gettin’ all up in they biz.

Which means Bozeman must be home to the most desperate bunch of rejects and whogivesashit-ologists in the known universe!
And, under normal circumstances, that infonugget would give me a serious case of the sadz, but then I remember that we’re talking about some dumpy destination in the middle of mont-freakin’-TANA and I’m all HAHAHAHAHA – MONTANA!!!!! because it occurs to me that I don’t give a shiny shit and am free to go on about my day and I’m happy because freedom is good … or something.

Ahhhh

SOURCE

June 18, 2009 at 7:23 pm 5 comments

No. Sleep. ‘Till. BROOKLYN!


Y’all know I don’t really ‘do’ follow-ups, but since I also don’t really ‘do’ rules or structure or anything resembling something one would consider organized in any way whatsoever – I can ‘do’ whatever I want!
::: yes, it’s great to be me :::

Remember when the NYC powers that be went all ‘full bag of ass’ on the homeless recently?
Well, take a seat kids because those gub’mint windbags found some pity for the poors and are now baby-steppin’ toward benevolence!

Big Apple big shots are backing agreements to house homeless families in unsold luxury condos in Brooklyn.

The apartments are in the in Crown Heights section, have amenities that include granite countertops, terraces, marble bathrooms and walk-in closets and were supposed to sell for $250,000 to $350,000 … you know, back in the olden times when people actually had cool shit like cash monies and credit so they could BUY a place of their own …
::: mem-reez … light the corners of my mind … :::

But times are hard and pretty much every third person on the planet is out of work, out of luck and out on the street — so hobo housing is where it’s at!

The city is paying about $2,700 a month for each apartment, which includes awesomeness like social services and job counseling.

This is goodness — straight UP!

And you asshats who try to get your comment on and go all ‘Get a job, ya bums’ with your high-and-mightiness?
Step back, get a clue and REKONIZE that homelessness is a national problem that’s growing to epidemic proportions due to the economy, foreclosures, the economy, job losses, the economy and so on AND that one in every 50 children in our fair land will be homeless at some point.

So those ‘lazy fucking bums’ you’re always bitching about?
Ya, they don’t even rank in the top 100 anymore, ‘kay judgmentals?

THIS is goodness. This is a start …

SOURCE

June 4, 2009 at 3:29 pm 2 comments

CNN tackles the tough stuff


What with all of the economic uncertainty, security concerns and general depravity everywhere, I take great comfort in the knowlege that I can count on CNN to bring me the really big news.

Like today’s ‘Twelve Amusing Excuses For Being Late For Work‘ … awesome market downturn, massive layoff reading there.
Because it’s just common knowledge that the absolute first thing on the mind of someone suffering job-loss jitters is where to find new and creative ways to endanger their employability.
::: CNN’s got yer back, dawg! :::

“While some employers tend to be more lenient with worker punctuality, 30% say they have terminated an employee for being late,” CareerBuilder.com‘s VP of HR said.

You guys got that?
Career Pro Tip: Being late for work can get you fired.

WOW!!

I mean, you just don’t get that kind of top-secret insider info any old place!
::: CNN and CareerBuilder totally  us! :::

According to a February survey of more than 8,000 workers all the goldbrickers still employed in America, 20% said they arrive late to work at least once a week and 12% said they are late at least twice a week.

And just what’s keeping Tammy Timeclock from promptly punching in?

Why, Amusing Excuse #2, of course!
“My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.”
::: So even if yours puts the Dick in Dickens, don’t use that one ladies– it’s TAKEN! :::

Now me? I like #4: “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
Because any brat who can put a ‘rent in the box has earned his Bitchin’ Bastard badge in my view!

Oh, but I know, I know — the point is not to BE late … if you can help it … provided the Dunkin’ Donuts latte line isn’t too long …. and that morning-after hangover helper is working …

“To be on the safe side, try your best to be on time for work every day,” the job gurus advise. “Your boss, co-workers and reputation will thank you for it.”

GOTCHA!!

THANK YOU CNN AND CAREERBUILDER!!!!!

I feel more productive alrea … ooo someone brought cake!

April 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm 3 comments

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