Posts tagged ‘jail’

Dumb Bitch of the Day

Springfield, Missouri’s Caitlen Watkins of was driving around the parking lot of her local shopping center and had just found a spot to her liking when another driver swooped in and snagged the spot for himself.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
Yeah … Caitlen does too.

But, being the fine, upstanding young woman, role model and future leader that she is, Caitlen simply shrugged off the stolen spot and went on her merry way.


She put on her pissy pants, channeled every ounce if idiotic rage she could muster and got her stab on!!
::: … over a parking spot … :::

But see, Caitlen’s all ‘can-do’ like that.
It’s just how she rolls.

— She can and does react to everyday situations inappropriately
— She can and does make horrifically poor decisions
— And now – the 18-year-old can and will partake of the varied amenities and gangly band of rejects joining her at the county lockup.
::: … over a parking spot … her parents must be SO proud … :::

According to court documents, Caitlen and some secondary asswad who was with her in the car went all ‘Oh no you di’INT!’ and confronted the spot stealer, which led to a fight, which led to the other driver suffering a punctured kidney after being stabbed half a dozen times with the wooden-handled, 5-inch icepick Caitlen apparently keeps around for point-making opportunities such as this one.
::: MYYYYY  parking spot, biatch!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! :::

The other driver went to the hospital.
Caitlen went to the pokey.
::: Bet she learns REAL fast how it got that name! 😉 :::

She has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action.

But don’t worry — look how  pretty she is!!
She’ll make LOTS of special new friends inside!

Caitlen, hon?
Smidge of advice?
Angry, imbecilic and operating at full retard is no way to go through life, kid …


December 23, 2009 at 11:20 am 2 comments

Jailhouse crock

Well booby hooby hoo!

Accused billionaire Texas swindler
<—— Robert Allen Stanford doesn’t like being behind bars so much and he’s pitching a pissy hissy in hopes it’ll get his ass moved to nicer digs.

Stanford is being held without bond at the Joe Corley Detention Facility while he waits to be tried on charges he bilked investors out of about $7 BILLION over the last decade.

His lawyer, Dick DeGuerin, filed a motion to have Stanford moved, calling conditions at the jail “oppressive.”

The motion says Stanford’s being held in a windowless cell with eight to 10 other men and that the power’s been on the blink at the clink resulting in no A/C for at least a week.

Now, ok – I’ll grant you that being confined like that during the hottest part of the year means you’re basically sitting in an oven and I’m down with the fact that being forced to sit in an oven sucks major ass.
I’ll even go you one further and admit that I totally dig that little document we call the Constitution, which generally guarantees prisoner rights under the 8th Amendment.

But if they’re not prepared to move every other inmate being forced to bake his buns in the same boiler, then I gotta say this move would smack of preferential treatment and that’s too big a crock of shit to swallow sober.

Sorry Stanford!
But hey, instead of bitching and moaning about all this dark, sweaty time you’ve got on your hands — maybe try being a glass half full kind of guy!
Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Don’t think of the stinky man stew that is your cell as punishment. Think of it as possible preparation!

See! Always a bright side! 🙂


July 29, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Dumb Bitch AND *bonus* Dumb Fuck of the Day

While you were busy with normal Fourth of July customs (like eating barbecue and corn-on-the-cob and dressing the fam in various and sundry American Flag paraphernalia and giving your 8-year-old a fiery handheld pyrotechnic device to play with) two twits in Tampa were busy going crackhead crazy as their preferred method of quality family holiday fun.

<— James Maymi and Virgen Lopez  had a date with —>
dumbass and nothing was gonna get in their way!

Himbecile and the chowdahead had plans for some early morning drag-racing — because helllooooo –  that’s what you do when you drive super-spiffy primo wheelage like a 1990 Acura and a 1988 Honda.
Fuck your Chevy and your souped-up ‘Stang, man! Nothing says badass like a two-decade-old four-door!
Well, not unless it’s a two-decade-old four-door with some supa-foin Safety 1st kiddie seats stapped in!

And aren’t you just shocked to know that’s just how Maymi and Lopez like ’em!?!

stupididiotThese two plonks were haulin’ behbehs around while they cranked it at about 100 miles per hour down the Courtney Campbell Causeway.
::: I bet those kids were ridin’ REAL dirty after about 80 mph :::

Oh, but then the cops showed up and busted the little pavement party.

Now, it’s just a guess, but I’m thinking dude won the race because, I mean, ok, sure — Lopez was charged with being a dumb fucking crackwhore bitch for racing her hoopty around with a two-year-old in tow – but Maymi plays this shit on a whole other level!
He’ll see your two-year-old and raise you a toddler!
::: Boo-ya! :::

But times have changed and cornering the market on monstrous moronitude doesn’t have quite the caché it used to.
Especially when the meth money runs out.

So, while the DB had enough child support and W.I.C. tickets to make bail, the DF’s gonna be busy makin’ new friends and having romantic jail sexies while he waits for a date with justice.

Ahh, holidays …


July 6, 2009 at 2:56 pm 2 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day

 Some dumb bitch in Ohio is in hot water for breast-feeding her child and talking on the phone while driving.

No — she’s not a dumb bitch because she was breast-feeding. I’m not even going to get into that argument, it’s so 1994! Breast-feeding is a beautifully wonderfully natural enterprise that I wholly support.

And no — she’s not a dumb bitch because she was on her cellphone. It’s a necessary and totally rewarding endeavor that I wholly support.
** Unless she wasn’t using a Bluetooth earpiece while driving. If she was holding that shit up to one ear — then, yes, she is a dumb bitch for being on her cellphone. **

This idiot is a dumb bitch because she thinks it’s ok to do feed and chat, in tandem, while steering her mom-mobile through morning traffic.

And she earns dumb fucking bitch honors because she doesn’t care that her own child’s safety is the reason there is a LAW requiring drivers to put childern under four years old or under 40 pounds in a safety seat.

“When my baby wants to eat, she wants to eat and I’m not gonna listen to that all across town to Kettering and back everyday,” Genine Compton said.

So you’re annoyed by the sound of your own baby?
Uh huh – s’cool and all — but instead of going full retard on the expressway, how about the really renegade move of pulling the fuck OVER!!!

Don’t get all militant la leche league pissypants on me, because I don’t
gives a rats ass if you breast feed your brat in public. 

Go for it!
Whip that bad boob out and go to town for all I care …

… just don’t do it on the way to town, which is exactly what she did.

Police were alerted to the situation when a passing motorist called to report the multitasker, saying “I tried to say something to her. She literally has the little girl on the steering wheel and I said, ‘I can’t believe you have that kid in your lap and she said, ‘You want to pop your titty out and breastfeed this kid?’ That’s what she said to me. I’m like, ‘You can feed your kid when you stop.’ It’s, like, wet out here. It’s full of traffic. It’s ridiculous. She’s got, like, three other kids in the car.” 

“Our issue is not the fact that this woman was breast-feeding in public,” Kettering Officer Michael Burke said, adding the dumb bitch would have been charged even if the child was just sitting on her lap.

“Our issue is that she created the condition that placed her child’s health and safety at risk.”

Only she’s too much of a dumb bitch to give a shit.

So be alert, Ohioans!

In order to avoid her next ticket, this dumb bitch just may put one of her other little dickens in the driver’s seat!



March 2, 2009 at 6:13 pm 11 comments

In His name?

No NO NO!!!
That is not how you do it, you sick fuckuva twisted wackjob!
:::  … which would normally be a tag of glory but, in this case, it means you’ve summited Mt. Dumbass — plant your flag, moron! :::

Time was a barbecue sandwich and some juice after Sunday school was all it took to lure the faithful … I guess we’re doin’ it differently these days

Ugh … cue the crazy …

troy_ian_brisport_20090215174926_320_240Johnny Law over in Ohio has charged God’s little soldier, Troy Brisport, ——>
with kidnapping, ransom/sheild hostage and felonious assault for handcuffing some poor bitch, gagging her, stripping her naked then dressing her up in …
::: Nooo — it’s not that kind of story!!! :::

… dressing her up in an adult diaper while he …
::: nuh uh … not that kind either :::

… while he read Bible passages to her … for four tragically theologified days!
From the Book of Retard 8:38-19:
“For He is convinced that only an emergency dispatcher will be able to separate the supposed sinner from the sick fuckery being done in His name
at the Tamarack Creek Apartments.”

Police say the 13th Apostle picked up his victim Wednesday night in Detroit and drove her to his apartment after she told him she had nowhere to stay.

The Master’s messenger must give one sorryass sermon because, at some point, the kidnapee fell asleep, which is when the kidnapper did as the shreiking voices in his head his Lord and Savior instructed and put his prey on hardcore house arrest!
::: Who’s a kinky Christian?!? Whooooz a kinky Christian?!?  YOU are!!! :::

Rev. Gotitwrong apparently also tried – several times – to suffocate his disinclined disciple using a pillow and blanket.
::: … the power of Christ compelled him … :::

I guess giving his testimony must just be, like, way harder and stuff these days because, after all that work, Troy The Thickheaded got a major case of the sleepies and went all nite-nite.

“And the sufferer broke 20 kinds of free and ran walked stumbled into the sun light parking lot to call 9-1-1 … and it was good.” Morons 25:36-27

Have fun ministering in County, dickweed!


February 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm 17 comments

A Very Casey Christmas

caseychowFor Casey Anthony, this year’s Christmas will be much like today … and yesterday … and the day before … and the day before that … except with better food!
::: so that’s one  in the PLUS column … :::

But being held in protective custody means she’ll have to eat her holiday meal all by her lonesome.
::: … so that  goes in the MINUS column then … :::

Buuutt — protective custody also keeps her safe from the Christmas shanking Big Liz over in cellblock B was planning to give her this year.
::: mmmkay – ‘nuther for the PLUS column … :::

Ehh, but “due to her status she will not be eligible to attend any of the Christmas programs being offered by the jail’s three ministries,” a jail spokesman, said via email.
::: ruh roh – that one’ll get ya one more  in the MINUS column … :::

Oh but don’t feel bad — she may be a Naughty List All-Pro Hall of Famer, but she’s not going totally without on this holiday which falls a mere 6 days after the remains of a child found less than a quarter mile from her home were positively identified as her ‘missing’ two-year-old daughter, Caylee.


Records show she spent $68.24 from her jail account to place a little Christmas order for herself that included food, snacks, drinks and a sketch pad. Her inmate account now has a balance of $332.62.
::: So that’s a Casey Christmas Plus Column WIN with a final score of
 TO  … :::

Ho Ho … uh uh … hell no …


December 24, 2008 at 4:08 pm 2 comments

Daily Caylee

New bones and what looks like a child’s story book were discovered yesterday on a wooded lot where Orange County investigators found a skull and other skeletal remains a week ago, the sheriff’s office said.

Also: First tips about site came in August
“We are currently following up on information regarding this particular location which we received three tips back in August,” Sheriff’s Captain Angelo Nieves said. “We are attempting to be as thorough, as clear and as concise as possible with the information that we received.”

What do YOU think?

December 19, 2008 at 10:49 am 1 comment

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