Posts tagged ‘internet’

WTF?


anfHaving raised steers for four years as part of my 4-H indoctrination education, I’m no stranger to the fair circuit — where beef judging is, was and always will be an artform.
For this reason (and this reason alone) I try to keep up — as best I can a full state removed — with the state of all fairs back home.

Knowing as I do that the next one coming up is the Alabama National Fair in Montgomery, I decided to check their website to see what joys lay in store for ticketholders.

Livestock competitions: CHECK
::: Black Baldies 4EVAR! :::
Art competitions: CHECK
::: Lynnelle’s needlepoint is always a hit :::
Giant vegetable competitions: CHECK
::: You just cannot go wrong with gourds :::
Pig races: CHECK
::: Actual pigs, not Chett’s ex-girlfriends :::
Circus: CHECK
::: Because ya just gotta :::
Welcome Home Celebration “in honor of our Vietnam Veterans“: CHEC …

Wait.
What?

Welcome Home?!?

Now, I do believe it’s never too late to welcome troops home and celebrate their courage and sacrifice. And, while I know history says the Vietnam War ended when the North Vietnamese army took control of Saigon in 1975 — I also know that not all of our soldiers have yet to come home more than 20 years later.

But I gotta say that with troops on active duty in skirmishes, wars, to-do’s and whatnots all over the world, most notably these days in the Middle East — it strikes me as 20-shades of ‘huh?’ that the fair gods of Alabama went the Vietnam route.

I have to believe it means one of three things:
1. The very last of all of the American soldiers still in Vietnam have been discovered to be alive and well … in Alabama
2. Sooooo many of the Alabama guardsmen and women are on permanent rotation in Afghanistan and Iraq that the Vietnam vets are the only ones around to welcome
3. The fair’s ‘creative team’ decided “Awwww fuckit! Better late than never!”

I know which one I think it is …

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September 25, 2009 at 10:33 am 2 comments

Is this allowed?


0907_linsay_lohan_r_c_9906_akmimages_excNo. I’m serious.
Is it?

I mean, ok – maybe it’s part of the one THOUSAND and fucking twelve-step program this trick is workin’ … but otherwise I have to call giant FAILS on a haggard 23-year-old alky crackwhore dingbat wearing a ‘Just Say NO To Drugs’ T-shirt.

I mean, HAHAHAHAHA for irony and all, bitch – but Nancy Reagan is not amused, ‘kay?!

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September 8, 2009 at 10:08 am 3 comments

PSA


Kentucky Fried Chicken hates you.

Not the actual chicken. The company.
They hate you and they want you dead.

newKFCsandwich-thumbThat’s the only explanation I can come up with for why they are are introducing fast food’s newest heart attack waiting to happen:
The Double Bypass Down.
<———

This bitch is made up of two original recipe (fried) chicken filets, which act as the “bread” in this sandwich. Inside, there’s bacon, pepper jack cheese, Swiss cheese and Colonel’s Sauce. It’s estimated to have about 62.4 grams of fat and 858 calories.

Food Geekery and the Orlando Sentinel are reporting that when the cardiac concoction goes national it will cost you $4.99 … cholesterol and blood pressure meds not included.

I think we have a new entry for THIS site!

PHOTO:  Food Geekery

August 25, 2009 at 10:49 am 1 comment

!!!!! SHOCKING REVELATION ALERT !!!!!


Ashton Kutcher is no William Shakespeare

Everybody ok out there?
Total surprise, right?!?

But it’s true.
He’s just a giant empty toolbox.
::: Take a moment. Reset your reality. :::

pieceofmeatWhen asked about his synthetic spouse, did that trick compare his bitch to:
A delicate rose?
A magnificent winged angel?

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
No.

He likened his bride to a burger.
“You know when you first discovered a hamburger and then you can’t live without it? That’s what it’s like for me with her.”

Shall I compare thee to an In-N-Out Double Double?
Thou art more scorched and seasoned.

True Duh 4Ever!

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August 11, 2009 at 1:01 pm 1 comment

Alabama could you PLEASE make news for something positive?!?


Rhetorical question …
::: sadz  😦 :::

The powers-that-be in Mobile are feeling all proud of themselves now that they’ve decided not to prosecute an 81-year-old woman who’s uncooperative bladder got the best of her in Bienville Square one hot, muggy south Alabama day in June.

“The city is not interested in prosecuting someone to full extent of law because they had an accident,” city attorney Larry Wettermark said.

Oh well that just covers it, doesn’t it?!?
wtgLet’s give them all giant medals for backing ass-first into the obvious!

I mean, surely they deserve a little something for the brain drain of realizing the sheer fuckery of their actions only AFTER widespread public outrage over the colossally stupid and immensely insensitive arrest.

Let’s recap, shall we?
Lula Mae Battle — did I mention she’s EIGHTY FUCKING ONE YEAR’S OLD?!?!? — had been at her bank on June 3 when nature began to call.
She asked the teller if she could use their restroom, but the bitchy bank employee brought the hell naw, which meant poor old Lula Mae had to haul her hotcross buns to the nearest public restroom which – as her luck that day would have it – was on the other fucking side of a goddamned fucking city park!!!!!
::: … deep breaths … :::
And — shock of shockingest shocks — she didn’t make it.
::: ACK!!!!! :::

badcopBut instead of offering assistance to an elderly person clearly in distress, some dumbshit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cadet called an even dumbershit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cop who got his Johnny Law on and arrested Lula Mae for public lewdness — a class C misdemeanor punishable by up to three months in jail.

Cue the public outcry …

“If I was her I’d go back in that bank and stand there till I left a puddle on the floor just on principle after closing my account!” internet commenter ALAGOVEATSHT oh so rightly ranted on an al.com message board.

“It’s down right SICK to arrest a little old lady who has a bladder problem,” web-reader lorettanall pointed out, adding later. “The cop should be put on trial for being an inconsiderate moron.”
::: hell to the yeah! :::

But it was that hot slut herself — Bamamom18 — who, for me, nutshelled why this story has people … well, PISSED! [pun intended]:
“Mrs Battles is 81 years old and has been publically humiliated. Why don’t you just make her wear a big red “U” on her clothes and make her stand in the square and let people laugh at her. Yeah, I bet that would teach her a lesson to become elderly and have normal health issues that come with being elderly.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT OUR CITY HAS COME TO.
Think people, think about what has happened to these people. They could be members of your family.”

Yes … yes they could …

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August 6, 2009 at 2:52 pm 2 comments

Which is worse?


Trying to pick up a chick at the funeral for your lover/son’s mother or finding out the chick you tried to pick up is your daughter?

Ayep. That’s the proverbial rock and hard place Ryan O’Neil found Osowronghimself between at Farrah Fawcett’s recent funeral.

“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” O’hellnohedidn’t disclosed to Vanity Fair.

“I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’
She replied, ‘Daddy, it’s me – Tatum!’
::: so that’s how it is in their family … :::

“I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter.
It’s so sick.”

Well, RyRy … the first part is admitting you have a problem …

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August 4, 2009 at 4:01 pm

Minding their ‘business’


“There are definitely gonna be tough parts in marriage. You have to look at those tough times and remember that you have essentially a business contract with this person. You’ve signed an agreement: You’re going to be together. And you look at it that way as you work through the tough times, because I guarantee the better time is there on the other side. That’s how we’ve looked at it.”

Sarah Palin in a March 2009 interview with Esquire magazine

***********************************************

6a00d834515edc69e200e5539683a58834-800wiAnd business is business, right?

AlaskaReport.com is, well, reporting that Sarah and Todd Palin are gonna quit the love after more than two decades of breeding, being stupid Republican and generally blaming everyone else for the asshatted idiocy that has become their lives.
::: WAH-silla :::

According to *SHOCK* “unnamed sources,” a National Enquirer story alleging extramarital fuckery on both sides led to the total fuckification of Palin pairing and the sheer stress and all-out anxiety from all those alleged no-no sexy times is what really led to Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska … allegedly.

Now, I don’t know about Todd but I’m gonna guess he was giving the peen to some Fairbanks fishmongrette with a gift for skinning salmon and a love for all things Nushagak.
And Sarah? Well, you remember the story. Sure you do! The one where she’s gettin’ her O-face on with Todd’s bestest buddy – snowmobile salesman Brad Hanson?
Yep – that one. And, since the Enquirer was right about that whole John Edwards mess, they’ve got street cred now so everything they write is true and shit. Umm hmm.

AnyPalinsucksanywaysowhothefuckcares, “sources” are also blabbing that Sarah stopped wearing her wedding ring weeks ago AND that she recently bought land in Montana. Well that’s just as good as confirmation, isn’t it?

Get ready to flee Montanas! Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig and grandbehbeh Tripp [but not the Toddster] may be headed your way!

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August 2, 2009 at 1:12 pm 3 comments

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