Posts tagged ‘injury’

This is real


Here is a short list of organizations ready to receive any help anyone would like to give:

• The Red Cross: You can give $10 to the Red Cross’s International Response Fund by texting HAITI to 90999. 100 percent of your donation benefits the Red Cross, and you can print a receipt through mGive, a foundation that helps non-profits take advantage of mobile technology.

• UNICEF, the United Nations Fund focusing on children, has worked on the ground in Haiti since 1949, so has the expertise to make a difference. You can donate here.

• Doctors Without Borders is also present in-country. One senior staff member reports, “The situation is chaotic. I visited five medical centers, including a major hospital, and most of them were not functioning.” Donate to support public health efforts here.

• MADRE, the international women’s rights NGO, partners with the Zanmi Lasante Clinic on the ground in Haiti. “The most urgent needs right now are bandages, broad-spectrum antibiotics and other medical supplies, as well as water tablets to prevent cholera outbreaks,” MADRE reports. Donate here.

• Action Against Hunger has had a team in Haiti since 1985, and is ready to fly planeloads of emergency supplies from Paris to Port-au-Prince. Food is one necessity, but so is sanitation; in some Haitian towns, 70 percent of homes do not have plumbing. Donate here.

• Mercy Corps has a history of deploying aid to regions affected by catastrophic earthquakes, such as Peru in 2007, China and Pakistan in 2008, and Indonesia last year. They are deploying a team to Haiti, and you can support their efforts here.

Partners in Health is the NGO founded in Haiti in 1987 by Dr. Paul Farmer, the celebrated physician and anthropologist who focuses on international social justice. The group’s emergency response focuses on delivering medical supplies and staff. Louise Ivers, PIH’s clinical director in the country, sent the message, “Port-au-Prince is devastated, lot of deaths. SOS. SOS.” Donate here.

• Missionary Flights International makes regular flights to
Haiti, including one Wednesday. Donate at www.missionaryflights.org

• Food for the Poor is accepting its donations at http://www.foodforthepoor.org/haitiquake
. The Coconut-Creek based organization, which has an office and warehouse in Haiti that was damaged, is seeking donations to buy emergency supplies and lumber to rebuild homes.

• Operation Helping Hands, a joint community project of The
Miami Herald
and United Way-Miami, will be collecting donations to
support the relief effort in Haiti. To make a contribution, go to www.iwant2help.org

Artist Wyclef Jean: Donate to Haiti via Wyclef Jean’s
charity. Text “yele” to 501501 to donate $5 to the fund. Or visit www.yele.org

World Vision has 370 staff in Haiti and is accepting donations
at WorldVision.com or call 1-800-363-5021.

The Pan American Development Foundation (PADF) — the natural
disaster relief arm of the OAS — asks people to visit its special relief
website, www.PanAmericanRelief.org.

Photos: AP, Getty Images

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January 13, 2010 at 10:37 pm 6 comments

Cookie Casualties!!!


Calm down – Not that kind of cookie …
::: I would never hurt you intentionally :::

But seriously – not to pick on the Brits or anything but what in holy hell is wrong with you fucking people?!?

A new study has revealed that the fat prats across the pond are just a big ol’ bunch of pansy-assed wah-wahs who can’t seem to handle their daily tea without a round of tears to go with it.

evil_cookResearch company Mindlab International was commissioned by the makers of Rocky Chocolate biscuits and discovered that more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits.

Biscuits.

For any non-European nimrods reading this rubbish who don’t know — biscuit = cookie.

Don’t laugh!
::: ok, maybe just a little :::

This is like a national epidemic or some shit!

An estimated 25 MILLION apparently braindead Britons have been injured as they ate during a tea or coffee break (25 MILLION) and at least 500 of the crybaby poo-pooheads had to carry their crumpets to the local care ward for futher ridicule treatment.

gingerdeadmanThe list of injuries from the ingestibles includes:
1. People being fucking stupid poking themselves in the eye

2. People being fucking stupid falling of their chair while reaching for a bisuit

3. People being fucking stupid scalding their fingers reaching for crumbs floating in a hot cuppa something

4. People being fucking stupid getting bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit

5. People being fucking stupid breaking teeth on too-hard biscuits

6. People being fucking stupid choking on crumbs

But none one of those owees can shake a stick at the most superachievery biscuit blunder of all time!!
The asshat who gave the middle finger to fate, went full retard and ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray cookie.
::: way to go dumbass, Foxworthy’s got your sign … :::

Researchifiers even sketched out a sort of ‘Most Wanted’ list of the most dangerous edible offenders out scarycookiesthere. The list, appropriately called The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, or B.I.T.E. – ranks the dastardly Custard Creme the all-time No. 1 most badass bisuit in the bunch – The Supreme Cookie Casualty Causer!
So … just so you know – stay away from that bitch!

Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: “We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year. orking with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look, and we were right.”

And thank GOD – right?!?
Just think of all of the cookie catastrophes that could have been!

Whew

SOURCE

September 10, 2009 at 10:31 am 3 comments

I bet THIS wasn’t on his Bucket List!


The dumb skank who admits she knowingly got into a car with a possibly drunk Morgan Freeman last August is now suing that hot piece for negligence, saying she wants to ‘clear her name from claims she was his mistress’.
::: And bank some sweet coin, of course! :::

Demaris ‘Do My Eyes Make Me Look Like A Crazy Gold-Digging Whore’ Meyer held an L.A. news conference where she whined about being labeled the ‘other woman’, channeled her inner Blogojevich and vowed to fight, Fight, FIGHT until cleanliness and dignity are restored to her allegedly once-good name.
::: … uh huh, good luck with that … :::

“I had hoped and prayed that Mr. Freeman or his representatives would have set the record straight and cleared my name, but they have not done so and that is why I have chosen to come forward to tell the truth about our relationship,” she bellyached to a handfull of people who, if we’re being honest here, probably only showed up to see what a potential Freeman fuckbuddy looked like.
::: … now we know? :::

According to her four-page lawsuit, she hopes to squeeze the Oscar-winner for pastpresentandfuture medical expenses, short-term memory loss , pain and suffering, some kind of short-term memory loss, pastpresentandfuture lost wages, permanent disability for short-term memory loss and other damages. Oh, and some sort of loss of memory … or something … and, uhh, don’t forget that big fucking truckload of money, bitches!!
::: … because nothing screams ‘Innocent Choir Girl’ louder than a legal shakedown … :::

The whole almost-hookup apparently happened because a mutual friend invited her to a dinner party so she could fuck meet the actor. She went, they dined, they got their drink on, they left and went back to the mutual friend’s house, they got their drink on there, then Miss Daisy jumped in Hoke’s Nissan and were makin’ the dash to his pad when things got all crashy.
::: … just your typical first-date stuff … :::

According to her [bullshit] lawsuit, she was in Freeman’s car only because he kindly offered to let her spend fucky times the night at his home — seeing as how “it would be much closer for Ms. Meyer to travel to her place of employment the next morning from Mr. Freeman’s home” than from the home of their mutual friend.

Uh huh … ‘cept Freeman’s house is in Charleston, Mississippi (89.5 miles from Meyer’s Memphis abode) and the friend lives in Clarksdale, Mississippi (77.6 miles from Memphis) — which would make it, like, NOT closer and stuff?

Oh but hey, in her defense, anyone stupid enough to get  in a car with someone they admit [in writing — filed with the courts] had been drinking, really isn’t the kind of brainiac who can be reasonably expected to handle simple geography or exhibit any of her own accountability or, you know,  personal responsibility or anything … right?

Right?

Right?

SOURCE
LAWSUIT

February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm 13 comments

House pet FAIL


What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very [wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans … and who even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask … 

What Kind of?
DUMBASS?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?
AS A HOUSE PET?!?!?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who owns owned a 200-pound ‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials — used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.
::: SMARTYPANTS!! :::

He was out there, gettin’ all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.” He’d biggie-sized an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh, well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!! ::: 

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve  messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran back to the house … and died. 

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt — he’s still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s shy of human does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed … 

SOURCE
SOURCE/PHOTOS

February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

Triple Threat


coldbs
The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?

PHOTOS COURTESY OF NORTH BERGEN POLICE

January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments

It’s the little things …


I believe in karma.

I believe in karma a LOT.

I take a certain amount of grief for my belief in the karmic ways of the universe … then something like this happens and I get to enjoy seeing that certain little twinkle of recognition in another person’s eyes, which makes me get all tingly inside because, well, that’s what a ‘fuck you’ moment does to me.

And, well, right now is one of those moments.
Right now there’s a dick in my Fantasy Football league having a pretty bad day.

A dick who gave me a mountain of public crap earlier in the season over a trade deal with another team … 
A dick who gave me a mountain of public crap earlier in the season over a trade deal approved by our league’s commissioner.
Ahh, but a trade deal he didn’t like, nonetheless, primarily because he didn’t think to make the offer first and it would have benefitted another team (as trades generally do, idge).
::: bew hew, cry to your mamma. This is football, biatch! :::

And so today I sit here seeing that he is one game away from clinching a playoff berth in a week where play began days ago, making pickups/trades/add-drops impossible … and so the dick in my Fantasy Football league must make it through the last week of regular fantasy play minus his star wide receiver and hope for the best.

Sucks to be YOU, ‘beast’!

November 29, 2008 at 8:32 pm

!! Schadenfreude Alert !!


coulterThe New York Post’s Page Six reports that Ann (I have no) Hart Coulter broke her jaw and now has to have it wired shut.
::: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! :::

I bet that bitch was giving reptilian tongue-flicks to some flaccid Newt Gingrich peen when Trent Lott busted down the door to demand some stank seconds for himself.

She probably tried to get up so fast she got lightheaded, passed out and landed an Olympic-style faceplant on his Norwegian Rose marble floor.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Don’t feel bad for the bitch though – I bet she files for Workman’s comp since it was an on-the-job accident and all … 

But hey – get well … or don’t … whatever …

November 25, 2008 at 6:27 pm 13 comments

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