Posts tagged ‘illinois’

United States of IOU?

California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie  because these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.


“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?


November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

Tha..tha..That’s all, folks!

“Don’t let what door hit me in the ass on the way out?
THAT door?!?”

That’s right kiddies! Looks like the Blaggy Media Blitzkrieg of Preposterous Innocence Proclamations was just a big ol’ wet fart of sweet sweet failure.

The Illinois Senate has voted unanimously to remove Gov. Rod Blagojevich from office!



January 29, 2009 at 11:14 pm 4 comments

… and that’s why they call it the ‘boob’ tube

Governor Rod ‘Grabbyhands” Blagojevich doesn’t need your stupid impeachments, Illinoisians!

He’s got better things to do – like bring the Blaggy Media Blitzkrieg of Preposterous Innocence Proclamations to every home in America!!!
::: … can you say ‘narcissist’s desperate bid to stay relevant amid the obvious obviosity of the neon glare of guilt’? I can … but now everything is blurry … :::

blaggy2The Notorious R.O.D.’s offensive offensive comes scant days after declaring that the day his dumbass criminality and blatant corruption caught up with him down at central processing he was arrested is – to his family –  “what Pearl Harbor Day was to the United States.”
::: He R The World … :::

On ABC’s Good Morning America, dicksleeve blah blah’d about how he thought Her Supreme Fabulosity would have been a sweet choice to fill my boyfriend‘s Senate seat … you know, because of the badassness of her ‘bully pulpit’ and all.
::: … and by ‘bully pulpit’, you understand he means ‘wallet’ … :::

blaggy3And on NBC’s Today Show, DJ Shiftyeye went full retard when he yakked on and on and on about how he was just soooo traumatized by his arrest but, you know, it’s all good because he can take comfort thinking about how the tribulations of Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi were, like, WAY worse and stuff.
::: Perspective FAIL :::

Don’t sweat it if you missed the irrational hilarity of future Inmate #4988071 … his crazy train of screwball insanity has scheduled stops at ABC’s “The View” and CNN’s “Larry King Live.

1-2-3 — TIVO!!!

January 26, 2009 at 4:19 pm 21 comments

They usually don’t fall far


Ex-Blagojevich adviser pleads guilty

January 16, 2009 at 9:07 pm 5 comments

If you say so

blaggylegosm“I will fight. I will fight. I will fight until I take my last breath, ” Illinois Governor Rod ‘Grabbyhands” Blagojevich blah blah’d this afternoon to a bunch of people who’ve already requested press credentials for his trial.

“I have done nothing wrong, and I’m not going to quit a job that people hired me to do because of false accusations and a political lynch mob,” he said, his voice raised in an unsuccessful effort to be heard above the gigglefest going on around him.

blaggylego1Hey PRICKS! “Afford me the same rights that you and your children have. The presumption of innocence. The right to defend yourself!” he shrieked.

“I have on my side the most powerful ally there is: the truth.”
::: and several million in undisclosed ‘contributions’ in three separate offshore accounts … :::

“Besides, I have the personal knowledge that I have not done anything wrong,” he concluded before unexpectedly screaming ‘TASTE MY LEAD, BITCHES!!!!’, grabbing the briefcase full of money he’d demanded in exchange for his prepared statement and running for the nearest exit.


December 19, 2008 at 9:06 pm 8 comments

Stay Alive, Number Five!!

What kind of fucked up twisted lunatic GD black voodoo magic is Drew Peterson doing that enables him to continue to bag women – even though he’s got a trail of missing wives littering his past?!?

Asshat, 54, has apparently popped the question to a 23-year-old woman have to assume doesn’t speak or read English, is deaf, has some unfathomably deep mental disability or is just so fucking desperate for U.S. citizenship that she’ll take any putrid peepaw who comes along.

Enter Peterson, still married to his fourth wife, Stacy, and a suspect in her October 2007 disappearance.
::: Fiancé FAIL :::

The death of Peenhead’s third wife, Kathleen Savio, has been recently reclassified as a homicide. Kathleen’s body was found in a dry bathtub.

Protesting that their privacy would be jeopardized, Pussface declined to ID his future missing wife.

Yeeeaaaahhhhh … he prefers to leave that job to the crime scene investigators …

December 18, 2008 at 1:53 pm 12 comments

Yes, Virginia …

There’s Santa … and then there’s Santa.

One is good for little more than scaring the bejeezus out of your offspring, which is hella fun to watch and all but if you didn’t bring a change of pants for your progeny then you’re probably in for a pretty shitty afternoon.

secret-santaThe other type is a bit harder to spot but an encounter with one is much more fulfilling. [That’s the ‘who’]

These ‘secret Santas’ get their mitzvah on by doing what others don’t, won’t or, well, just can’t.
They give.
And they give big.
::: Mazal, mazal,  y’all! ::: 

A couple of them recently doled out $20,000 in $100 bills to folks in Illinois, Kansas and Missouri. [That’s the ‘what’ ‘when’ and ‘where’]

“The only condition,” the Missouri angel said , “is that you do something nice for someone. Pass it on.”
::: Listen UP, greedy bankers, AIG bastards and other beggars hoarding bailout bucks meant to help the masses!  ::: 

The Kansas Santa was a protégé of famous Kansas City undercover gift giver, Larry Stewart, who died of cancer nearly two years ago.

Stewart roamed city streets each December handing out hundred-dollar bills to anyone who looked like they might need a lift.

His legacy lives on … and it’s a good great thing because, let’s face it –  recipients will not be hard to find in this New Great Depression.

[… and the ‘why’?]
“It’s not about the man, it’s not about the money, it’s about the message,” Kansas Santa said.

“Anyone can be a secret Santa with a kind word, gesture, a helping hand.” 

[I get it — ‘why not’]
And so, if you’ll excuse me …

December 7, 2008 at 3:12 pm 11 comments

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