Posts tagged ‘hollywood’

Shia LeBeouf wouldn’t make it in Iran

So it was all party party party this weekend … ‘cept for Iran where a bunch of henchmen got together to hang about 30 people convicted of crimes including:

  • Murder (Ok yeah, that’s a bad thing)
  • Murder in commission of a crime (umm hmm yeah — ‘nuther bad one)
  • Being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other (sexy time in Iran = married time … got it!)
  • Being a public nuisance while drunk (wait. what?)
  • My first thought when reading that list was ‘Damn, I’m glad I don’t live in Iran!’.

    My next thought was ‘Damn, I kinda wish Madonna lived in Iran.’

    Then I thought ‘I bet Shia LaBeouf is glad he doesn’t live in Iran!’

    Hollywood’s favorite Shia-pet was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday about 3 a.m. when he rolled his truck after smacking it into another car. LeBooBoo bunged up his head, hand and knee.

    “It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” one officer said.

    This would seem like some sort of watered-down kiddie version of ‘strike 3’ – except there were other people involved … and injured.

    Just by way of recap:
    LeBonehead was ticketed early last year for ‘unlawful smoking’ (1) and then busted again in November (2) for being a colossal dumbass drunk in a Chicago Walgreens – which he blamed on being a slave to the bakky. And now this one (3).

    Hey Shithead — rehab is the new black.
    Think about it — before #4 leaves someone dead.

    ‘kay Boo Boo???

    July 28, 2008 at 1:03 pm 5 comments

    Meg Ryan is bringin’ the chunk

    Nah – not really.

    She brought out the Kirstie Alley fat suit for her role in the movie ‘My Mom’s Hot Boyfriend’ where her character goes from fat to foxxxay.

    Movie sounds like a snoozer but I totally think she should keep the new look. At least that body matches those gigantor lip implants!

    July 25, 2008 at 8:19 pm 3 comments

    Breakin’ up is hard to do

    I am actually sort of feeling sorry for poor little Justin Long today!
    No, not because he looks like that ————————->
    :::  although the buttfugly shoes should get a sympathy vote :::

    Mr. I’m-More-Than-The-Mac-Guy is apparently so upset over being dumped by Drew Barrymore that he had to drop out of her new roller-derby movie, Whip It!

    “He couldn’t stand working with her and not being with her,” a friend of his says. “He’s too upset … She was hot and cold. One minute she was in love with him and the next she wanted to break up with him.”

    I feel for the guy, I really do!
    He’s more emotionally fragile than a preteen girl — he might not make it y’all!

    The little fella’s been described in various media reports as being ‘distraught’, ‘devastated’, ‘destroyed’, ‘depressed’ and a whole bunch of other words that don’t start with the letter D.

    (so)Long and Dontwannaseeyanomore had been friends for more than 7 years before gettin’ their PDA on pretty much anywhere and everywhere there was a camera handy. And then *poof* – seemingly just like that (snap) it was over when she decided to recast the role of ‘Drew’s boyfriend’.

    No one’s really talking about the breakup, but rumor has it she is still tuned in to the FM frequency.

    “Drew just couldn”t get (Strokes drummer) Fabrizio (Moretti) out of her mind. She says Justin was great, but what she had with him just wasn”t as strong,” the source said.

    It’s believed (apparently by the same unnamed source) that Drew told Fab about her feelings, which got him feeling deeeeeeelighted at the prospect of knockin’ boots with Barrymore again.

    Justin, I think yer F’d, dude.

    July 25, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Kidman, Urban won’t sell Sunday Rose

    Completely thumbing her Botoxed nose at the time-tested Hollywood practice of baby trafficking, Kreepee Kidman has decided not to whore out pics of her newborn daughter to the highest bidder.
    ::: And just what makes Little Miss Fancy Pants so special?!? :::

    According to The Sydney Morning Herald, Kreepee and Keith Urban “have rejected deals worth millions of dollars for first pictures of their newborn daughter Sunday … [and] have yet to decide whether to release a photograph officially”. If they do, a source says, it will be free.

    Can they really do that?!?
    ::: No really — can they DO that? :::

    There is precedent here! And any person who has logged more than 12 hours of Law & Order knows that precedent is, like, serious and stuff which means it MUST be adhered to at all times!!
    Otherwise it’s just anarchy and the whole system could come crumbling down around us at any moment!!!!!

    Someone needs to school this bitch on how it’s done.

  • J-Ho and Skeletor pocketed a cool $6 million from People magazine for pictures of twins Max and Emme.
  • Angelina and Brad sold Shiloh’s sweet face for a reported $4.1 million (which doesn’t include the $3.5 million that Hello! reportedly coughed up for the British rights to the pictorial).
  • She Of The Magic Womb also sold her adopted son Pax out for $2 million!
    ::: Oh sure, the do-gooders gave their money to charity and all, but that’s not the point, people!! PRECEDENT: Set – Follow!!!! :::
  • I mean – damn!
    Even snaps of the wonkey-eyed Danielynn (daughter of every-drug’s-best-friend Anna Nicole Smith) brought in a couple mil! 

    I can only think of one reason we haven’t seen little Sunday Rose yet … think maybe she’s got her daddy’s (natural) smile?

    Oh who cares!
    The list of A through Z list celebs who can’t WAIT to pimp their newborns for gas money is long and varied. From Louisiana teen ho Jamie Lynn to Frankenboob Aguilera to Mmmmmmmatthew MmmmmmmmcConaughey — everyone is doing it. NO ONE is exempt!

    Baptise that baby in the harsh glare of the camera lens already!

    It’s the law.

    July 15, 2008 at 3:56 pm 5 comments

    Dumb in Dallas

    Intersection of Stupid and DumbassThe PC Police are at it again … this time in Dallas County, Texas where a snoozer of a meeting about traffic tickets turned all kinds of nasty as quick as 1-2-3 over the use of one of the world’s most common astronomy terms.

    1. Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections office “has become a black hole” because paperwork routinely gets lost there.

    2. That caused Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, to shout “Excuse me!” before correcting his pigment-deficient colleague, saying the office has become a “white hole.” 

    3. And that caused Judge Thomas Jones, also black, to demand an apology from whitey Mayfield for his racially insensitive comment.

    Seriously people — this again?!?
    I feel a crying jag coming on.

    For the record …
    Black Hole:
  • An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
  • A great void; an abyss: The government created a bureaucratic black hole that swallows up individual initiative.
    Source: American Heritage Dictionary

    White Hole:
  • The reversal of a black hole.
  • A theoretical celestial object that ejects matter.
    Source: Unabridged (v 1.1)

    I’ll grant you, so far the 2008 Verbal Retardation Award has to go to the Brits who wanted to ban ‘brainstorming’ in favor of ‘thought showering’  — but these Dallas County Commissioners have definitely earned themselves a most dishonorable mention in the ’20 Kinds of Asshatednessly Overboard Responses’ subcategory.

    What other perfectly legit words and phrases will we next be asked to quit?
    Hmmmmmmm …..

  • Will we never have another black out?
    ::: Los Angelinos rejoice — right? :::
  • Do they stop searching for the black box after plane crashes?
  • Will companies have to stop reporting that they’re in the black?
    ::: Not many are actually doing that right now anyway :::
  • Should Sikorsky rename the Black Hawk helicopter — and (ACK!) what about Ridley Scott’s movie of the same name — guess that puppy’s got to be redone.
  • What’s to become of the folks currently living in Black Lick, Pennsylvania?
    ::: where o’ where will Aunt Midge’s mail go?!?!?! :::
  • Will Publix stop carrying black cherry soda?
  • Do I no longer have to fear black cats?
  • Can anarchists no longer fly their black flag?
  • Does Germany need to rename the Black Forest?
  • Will families no longer have black sheep?
    ::: don’t get excited Cleetus – you’ll always have that honor :::

  • God help the environmentalists once the aliens go PC …

    July 10, 2008 at 4:18 pm 6 comments

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