Posts tagged ‘hollywood’

Can’t anyone retire and mean it anymore?

Reports are leaking out that Lance Armstrong will be coming out of retirement to compete in some nearly dead road races (Tour de Georgia?!?) and then, potentially, pedal his way to an unheard of eighth Tour de France victory.

Oh god no. Please no. Seriously – no.

Lance and his team of managers, handlers, press agents and drug-test-takers probably all sat back and watched with jealous googly eyes as Fishsticks Phelps raked in fat endorsement cash after snagging eight golds at the Beijing Olympics.

I bet those bitches conference called each other after every medal ceremony to whine about how cycling seems so old and busted next to swimming’s new hotness and how only cancer boy can rescue the sport for the benefit of all of humanity (or some stupid shit like that).

But before they get their Nike pitch on, Lance & Co. should take note.

No one (NO ONE) has been standing in line to see Mark Spitz and his wrinkles plop into the pool for a long, long time. Cycling fans aren’t any different. They’re ready for the next big thing. They don’t care who it is as long as it’s the next big thing — not the last big thing.

But I bet ol’ fancy pants Lance doesn’t see things quite that way. He probably sleeps in a different yellow jersey each night, wakes up each morning and spit shines his trophies while drinking coffee from a mug that reads ‘Cycle God’ and journaling the various rates at which his lungs make the O2 to CO2 conversion before speed dialing his publicist every hour on the hour to get the lastest list of celebrities he’s more famous than in each of the world’s major time zones.

His ego is probably just that sad. And it’s too bad because we actually like guys like that — until it’s time to go. But guys like that never know when it’s time to go. They always stay too long at the party and end up looking like the bad blind date you just couldn’t get rid of at the end of the day.

Lance – it’s time to go. Has been since that day in 2005 when you said you were going.
You retired and we foolishly trusted you to mean it.

We want you to mean it. We need you to mean it.
Please — go away already!

Like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson, Ashley Olsen, Tory Burch, your ex-wife, Team Astana, viable sperm counts and good looks — we are sooo over you.
::: If only you could get over yourself … :::

Please – take your testicle and go gently into that good retirement night … for all our sakes!

September 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm 12 comments

Who’s hosting the intervention?

uh … Wi-HAYULL NO-na!!


August 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm 2 comments


Ok, so actress Maria ‘I’ve-Always-Been-Anti-Marriage’ Bello is engaged and isn’t that sweet and blah blah blah.

She and her “musician, artist and part-time waiter” boyfriend Bryn Mooser haven’t set an actual date or anything wedding-y like that – but they did confirm that they “fell in love over a sheer passion of politics, Africa and cryptozoology.”

::: So that’s what they’re calling it these days, huh … :::

Wouldn’t it be a slice of complete AWESOME if they set up a table at the reception with place cards for Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster and a couple of Hobbit hotties from the bridal party?
Good times!!!

You know who else I bet gets a special invite?
Jake Gyllenhaal.

Girlfriend may want to consult a therapist about what’s really going on in her heart of hearts because she is totally bumpin’ bootie with a poor man’s version of the Jakester.

Take away the crazy hair and they’re the Olsen twins!
… well, Olsens with peen …



July 29, 2008 at 4:08 pm 2 comments

Shia LeBeouf wouldn’t make it in Iran

So it was all party party party this weekend … ‘cept for Iran where a bunch of henchmen got together to hang about 30 people convicted of crimes including:

  • Murder (Ok yeah, that’s a bad thing)
  • Murder in commission of a crime (umm hmm yeah — ‘nuther bad one)
  • Being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other (sexy time in Iran = married time … got it!)
  • Being a public nuisance while drunk (wait. what?)
  • My first thought when reading that list was ‘Damn, I’m glad I don’t live in Iran!’.

    My next thought was ‘Damn, I kinda wish Madonna lived in Iran.’

    Then I thought ‘I bet Shia LaBeouf is glad he doesn’t live in Iran!’

    Hollywood’s favorite Shia-pet was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday about 3 a.m. when he rolled his truck after smacking it into another car. LeBooBoo bunged up his head, hand and knee.

    “It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” one officer said.

    This would seem like some sort of watered-down kiddie version of ‘strike 3’ – except there were other people involved … and injured.

    Just by way of recap:
    LeBonehead was ticketed early last year for ‘unlawful smoking’ (1) and then busted again in November (2) for being a colossal dumbass drunk in a Chicago Walgreens – which he blamed on being a slave to the bakky. And now this one (3).

    Hey Shithead — rehab is the new black.
    Think about it — before #4 leaves someone dead.

    ‘kay Boo Boo???

    July 28, 2008 at 1:03 pm 5 comments

    Meg Ryan is bringin’ the chunk

    Nah – not really.

    She brought out the Kirstie Alley fat suit for her role in the movie ‘My Mom’s Hot Boyfriend’ where her character goes from fat to foxxxay.

    Movie sounds like a snoozer but I totally think she should keep the new look. At least that body matches those gigantor lip implants!

    July 25, 2008 at 8:19 pm 3 comments

    Breakin’ up is hard to do

    I am actually sort of feeling sorry for poor little Justin Long today!
    No, not because he looks like that ————————->
    :::  although the buttfugly shoes should get a sympathy vote :::

    Mr. I’m-More-Than-The-Mac-Guy is apparently so upset over being dumped by Drew Barrymore that he had to drop out of her new roller-derby movie, Whip It!

    “He couldn’t stand working with her and not being with her,” a friend of his says. “He’s too upset … She was hot and cold. One minute she was in love with him and the next she wanted to break up with him.”

    I feel for the guy, I really do!
    He’s more emotionally fragile than a preteen girl — he might not make it y’all!

    The little fella’s been described in various media reports as being ‘distraught’, ‘devastated’, ‘destroyed’, ‘depressed’ and a whole bunch of other words that don’t start with the letter D.

    (so)Long and Dontwannaseeyanomore had been friends for more than 7 years before gettin’ their PDA on pretty much anywhere and everywhere there was a camera handy. And then *poof* – seemingly just like that (snap) it was over when she decided to recast the role of ‘Drew’s boyfriend’.

    No one’s really talking about the breakup, but rumor has it she is still tuned in to the FM frequency.

    “Drew just couldn”t get (Strokes drummer) Fabrizio (Moretti) out of her mind. She says Justin was great, but what she had with him just wasn”t as strong,” the source said.

    It’s believed (apparently by the same unnamed source) that Drew told Fab about her feelings, which got him feeling deeeeeeelighted at the prospect of knockin’ boots with Barrymore again.

    Justin, I think yer F’d, dude.

    July 25, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Kidman, Urban won’t sell Sunday Rose

    Completely thumbing her Botoxed nose at the time-tested Hollywood practice of baby trafficking, Kreepee Kidman has decided not to whore out pics of her newborn daughter to the highest bidder.
    ::: And just what makes Little Miss Fancy Pants so special?!? :::

    According to The Sydney Morning Herald, Kreepee and Keith Urban “have rejected deals worth millions of dollars for first pictures of their newborn daughter Sunday … [and] have yet to decide whether to release a photograph officially”. If they do, a source says, it will be free.

    Can they really do that?!?
    ::: No really — can they DO that? :::

    There is precedent here! And any person who has logged more than 12 hours of Law & Order knows that precedent is, like, serious and stuff which means it MUST be adhered to at all times!!
    Otherwise it’s just anarchy and the whole system could come crumbling down around us at any moment!!!!!

    Someone needs to school this bitch on how it’s done.

  • J-Ho and Skeletor pocketed a cool $6 million from People magazine for pictures of twins Max and Emme.
  • Angelina and Brad sold Shiloh’s sweet face for a reported $4.1 million (which doesn’t include the $3.5 million that Hello! reportedly coughed up for the British rights to the pictorial).
  • She Of The Magic Womb also sold her adopted son Pax out for $2 million!
    ::: Oh sure, the do-gooders gave their money to charity and all, but that’s not the point, people!! PRECEDENT: Set – Follow!!!! :::
  • I mean – damn!
    Even snaps of the wonkey-eyed Danielynn (daughter of every-drug’s-best-friend Anna Nicole Smith) brought in a couple mil! 

    I can only think of one reason we haven’t seen little Sunday Rose yet … think maybe she’s got her daddy’s (natural) smile?

    Oh who cares!
    The list of A through Z list celebs who can’t WAIT to pimp their newborns for gas money is long and varied. From Louisiana teen ho Jamie Lynn to Frankenboob Aguilera to Mmmmmmmatthew MmmmmmmmcConaughey — everyone is doing it. NO ONE is exempt!

    Baptise that baby in the harsh glare of the camera lens already!

    It’s the law.

    July 15, 2008 at 3:56 pm 5 comments

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