Posts tagged ‘halloween’


Occupy Sesame Street

Because Bert don’t play, yo!


November 6, 2011 at 12:11 pm 3 comments

Happy Halloween, Bitches!

Trick or Treat
Take a seat
‘Cuz pretty soon
You’ll feel the heat

Your head will burn
Your bod will ache
You’ll wonder what
You’ll have to take

To bid adieu
To the big ACHOO!
That’s coming through
‘Cuz I just gave you SWINE FLU!

(let’s be careful out there this weekend kiddies)


October 30, 2009 at 10:03 am


North Korea test launching five short-range missiles? Big whoop.
Swine *cough* flu *wheeze* vaccine shortages? So *sniff* what.
Bleak economic and jobs outlook for 2010? Who cares.


Because Mother Nature is fucking with the fall holidays, y’all!

The unusually wet wet weather that bitch has been bringing is wreaking all-out HAVOC on Halloween and thinning out the offerings on your Thanksgiving table by leaving a paucity of pumpkins in her wake!

“It has been a weird weather situation,” said Bob Richard of Cox Farms of Virginia. “Usually we have no trouble at all getting brokers to bring us pumpkins. But Pennsylvania farmers are seeing yields down 50 to 70 percent.”

OH NO!!! 50 TO 70 PERCENT!!!!!
This is nothing short of pumpkin PANDEMONIUM!

I don’t think there are enough EXCLAMATION POINTS in the world to illustrate the sheer severity of the situation!!!!!


(OK … maybe there are …)

“We have as many as we need to get through Columbus Day weekend, our busiest time, but we are concerned about what will happen next week.”
Umm, he means this week then, right?


And it’s not just the Cox in Virginia that’s suckin’ it.
Pumpkin patchers in Pennsylvania, Maryland, New England and, well, EVERYWHEREUSA are suffering.


“If you saw our field, you’d say it looks beautiful,” pumpkin producer Edward LeBlanc said. “You would say, ‘Wow, look at all the pumpkins.’ But we’d be saying, ‘Wow, look at all the pumpkins that aren’t going to quite make it,’ or ‘Look at all the pumpkins that aren’t going to be large enough size to sell.’

And isn’t THAT just a roundaboutcircuitiousway of saying SHORTAGE!!!!


What’s to become of our pumpkin-based holidays???

libbys-canned-pumpkin-de-1No more creepy carvings?
::: Damn, and it’s always so much fun watching little Timmy fumble around with daddy’s knife :::
Will Ned not get seconds of granny’s Punkin’ Pie?
::: Ehh, that one’s not so terrible … her tart will go on … :::
And just WHAT – pray tell – is to become of South Carolina’s Pumpkin Princess Pageant?
::: Stagemom meltdown in 3 … 2 … :::

This is terrible!

May the gourd have mercy on our souls!


October 13, 2009 at 10:23 am 2 comments

Ok, now everybody REALLY panic

Just as we predicted – the end is nigh!!

Fresh on the heels of their New York office snack-crackdown, Google mucketymucks have taken the first final step into the employment abyss by announcing this week that they will ‘significantly’ reduce the number of contract workers they hire, which we all know is industry speak for ‘Watch your fannies full-timers — YOUR NEXT!

“We have been thinking for some time, before the acute phase of the economic crisis, about significantly reducing the number of contract workers,” a Google mouthpiece confirmed.

Uhhhh HUH …

Google’s headcount at the end of the third quarter was 20,123 company employees and a contractor army some 10,000 strong. Contractors going bye-bye include coders, cafeteria workers and campus bus drivers as well as the most crucial cog in the wheel of commerce –  members of the cleaning crew.
::: fun is fun ’till the toilet paper runs out! :::

Uhhhh HUH …

Didn’t someone who’s name we won’t mention but who’s initials are THE COOKIE say:

“The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.”

Uhhhh HUH …

November 26, 2008 at 1:53 pm 1 comment

Wicked Witch of the North found – in Michigan!

Kids in Gross Pointe Farms, Michigan got a real scare this Halloween … from the Wicked Witch of the North herself – homeowner Shirley Nagel – who handed out candy exclusively to the offspring of admitted McCain supporters.
::: No Kit-Kats or M&M’s for YOU, Obama brats! :::

Nasty Nagel brought out the Snickers, Skittles and Starburst on Friday night but refused the sweet treats for all those who didn’t share her support for the Republican presidential candidate and his running mate Sarah Palin.
::: oh yeah, THAT’LL teach ’em! :::

A sign outside her house reads:
“No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters.”

After calling O’Beautiful “scary” she said it was just fine and dandy to turn children away – empty handed and crying on Halloween — because “Everybody has a choice.”
::: Keep it classy, Shirley – keep it classy! ::: 

Check election idiocy in all its raging glory on YouTube:

November 2, 2008 at 2:41 pm 7 comments

Financial hardship is a hairy situation

America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug …  I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending last quarter looking for big gains — but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems, is locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently, L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty weak third quarter numbers – including a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but OUR lack of follicle-enhancing finances isn’t just killing L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass – THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn — I laughed so hard I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic Telescopic Mascara!!!

October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

You see it

Nicolas Cage and his son Weston Coppola Cage leaving Madeo restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend.
Weston’s Kayako Halloween costume is, err, dead on, no?
Wait. What? That’s not a costume?!?


October 27, 2008 at 11:46 am

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