Posts tagged ‘haha’

J-School for TV 101


February 2, 2010 at 11:04 am 10 comments

Because it’s Friday …

… and you need her …
::: trust me – we all do :::

Bow down and be humbled by the total awesomeness that is Bon Qui Qui

January 22, 2010 at 11:01 am 2 comments

You see it …

Kate Gosselin does her best Catherine O’Hara … if Catherine O’Hara was a talentless famewhore with a godawful weave, that is.

Kate – consult the Oracle of Eastabrook.
Sit at the altar of his greatness and learn how it’s done.

January 7, 2010 at 11:26 am 6 comments

Droll Tide

It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.


Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!


December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

I’m all ‘huh?!’

Just so we’re skr8 – don’t go ’round expecting some rockstar followup to yesterday’s ‘like’able post that inexplicably earned supernova way cool WordPress HP street cred for the Cookie:

‘cuz LIAC is going to be the worldwide proof all of humanity has been craving when it comes to that whole lightning/same place theory, ‘kay?

Instead, we turn our talons today to newspaper nimroddery and the deft touch they (more often than not lately) lend to daily dumbfuckery.


I mean, I’m super happy and all to read that United’s working to spiff itself up because, well, who are they kidding. They need to.

But, uhh, quick question … What does United updating its antiquated airline have to do with Sears cutting costs in order to put a spit shine on its shit?!

Oh yeah, that’s right – NOTHING!!

Editor’s Note: Journalism 101 sez the headline, story, photo and cutline generally all should jibe …

I’m not naming names here but someone who’s initials are THE LOS ANGELES FUCKING TIMES COPY DESK needs to make a date to remediate!


Update: HAHA — we totally you LA Times for fixing your fuckup.
Want a copy of our ultraprimo screenshot for posterity? 😛

November 24, 2009 at 11:34 am 1 comment

I don’t blame you, Frank Zappa

As long as we’re talkin’ ’bout words’n-all, I think serious consideration should be given to liquidating the word ‘like’ from the English language.


Because that bitch is as flexible as a Sarah Palin book-tour schedule, it can be used as a noun, a verb, an adverb, an adjective, a piece of punctuation, a preposition, a particle, a conjunction or interjection!
::: multitasker extaordinaire!! :::

And I’m totally down with all applications – until it comes to the punctuation, particle and conjunction part because those are peeves (in addition to whether or not – stopitstopitstopit!) that drive me seven full Mack truckloads of batshit crazy.

It is, like, SOOOOOO upsetting, you know? I mean, do you, like, get my, like, point?


But in all seriousness (and pay attention, ‘cuz we don’t do that often here at LIAC) – it’s got to stop.

Because, when you get right down to it, overusing the word ‘like’ is the same as faking your tan, artificially pumping your pucker (or other parts 😉 ) or bulking up your brats with boatloads of rusk, excess fibers, maltodextrine or MDM.

::: just say no :::

When their whiteness is too white, the pigment deficient think nothing of full-on fakery.
::: fake what’cha mamma gave ya! :::
When their lips (or butt, boobs or fun-time banana) aren’t exactly luscious, folks don’t think twice about some strategic surgical servicing.
::: New math: You + phony = putzling :::
And when the food industry wants to maximize profits by minimizing the merit and naturalness (yeah, I said it) of their products, they stuff their stock with whatever will lengthen its shelf-life.
::: caveat emptor, kiddies :::

Like is, like, no different.

Because people can’t think of don’t know the right words anymore – because zero significance has been placed on the enormous importance of appropriate word choice – they’ve leached onto ‘like’ and haven’t let go.

But it’s time to read a fucking dictionary, dickweeeds!.
As much as we encourage the silly and stupid, alliterative linguistic logorrhea, asshattery, fucktardeness and all things scientifical – this one we’re serious about.

Like, totally.

November 23, 2009 at 12:41 pm 31 comments

Daily DUH!

World Bank President Robert Zoellick has the crucial info!

Talking to reporters about the überly-astronomical 10.2% U.S. unemployment rate, Mr. Braintrust blah blah’d:

“You’re going to have problems with delinquencies of credit card loans, consumer loans, people won’t be able to pay their mortgages. Some banks are going to continue to be troubled by bad loans.”


Crickety cripes!
If all ya gotta do to head up the international agency tasked with floating finance to the fiscally famished is orate the ohmygodthatissofucking obvious to anyone within earshot — well you can color me qualified and sign my ass 20 kinds of UP for that shit!

That bitch banks more than $400,000 a year for spouting the self-explanatory?!

I want IN on that action!!!

I would love to get paid copious piles of cash to travel the world pointing out the patently perceptible, stating the ever-so simple and offering absolutely nothing in the way of intrinsic information!

I mean, it’s certainly gotta beat giving it away free like I currently do!

Now where’s that job app?!?


November 12, 2009 at 9:32 am 1 comment

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