Posts tagged ‘Guinness Book of World Records’

Why Cleveland, WHY?!

Are there truly no more great ideas?
Have all the creative PR stunts been tried?
Is atoricity the new aim?

Frealz, Cleveland!
You have a golden opportunity to do something great, to be legendary, to make history … and you go with The Fuggie?!?

But you did — at Snuggie Night at The Q on Friday, where every person who walked into Quicken Loans Arena received a free maroon Fuggie to create a new Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets of one color in one place: 20,562.

At least one Detroit fan brought his own blue fug rug with the Pistons logo on it, while a few Fuggie haters HEROES refused to participate and sat defiantly in what I am absolutely positive were the most awesomely amazing street clothes ever worn by any person in the history of mankind. EVER!

Guinness adjudicator Danny Girton verified the new fleece blanket record in the first quarter, and praised the Cavaliers’ original idea dumbass fuckery.

“Anybody, anywhere at any time can attempt a Guinness World Record at any time and become a world hero in their own right,” Girton said.

Yes – they can!
And there are a LOT better records out there than outfitting yourselves in the most awfult ensemble in the known universe, Clevelanders!!!

Like Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India who the gods blessed with the longest, most lavish ear hair!
<— Look at that hotness!
C’mon guys – you’re CLEVELAND, for crying out loud! Surely there’s some mullethead in your midst who can top that?!

Or Gary Stewart who rode the clouds and created a legacy when he claimed the record for the longest pogo jumping record in all of the entire earthly realm!!
You guys can’t find some clodhopper west of the Cuyahoga jump rope or blow bubbles for a couple of days?!

And France’s own (now dead but for other reasons) Michel Lotito, who holds the coveted Guinness record for weirdest diet for eating nothing but metal and glass from 1959 until his death in 2007. Since 1966, dude ate 18 bicycles, 15 grocery carts, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a low-calorie Cessna light aircraft and a computer.
He is said to have provided the only example in history of a coffin (handles and all) ending up inside a man. By October 1997, he had eaten nearly nine tons of metal!!!

Metal Health’ll cure your crazy
Metal Health’ll cure your mad
Metal Health is what we all need
It’s what you have to have

Oh yeah, Clevelanders!
That mangia may not be as tasty as pierogis or Polish Boys but ya gotta admit THAT’S the kind of go gettery that earns you the kind of universal adulation befitting a Guinness title!!!

Or this one. ūüėČ

But a multithousand menagerie of misfits masquerading as men (women and children) of action when all they did was get snugged up in a fug rug just 100% totally misses the mark of true merit in my book.

Eh, but kudos or nice try or whatever and all.


March 8, 2010 at 11:01 am 4 comments


Barbara WaltersIn what I can only¬† assume is either a white-trash marketing ploy to hawk her new book or a desperate attempt to stay socially¬†(if not¬†politically) relevant, aging gasbag Barbara Walters is whorin’ herself out all over town and¬†blabblin’ all her bidness!!

During a segment on today’s ‘Oprah Winfrey Show’, Babba Wawa revealed she had an affair in the 1970s with married US Senator Edward Brooke (R-Mass.).

But why, exactly, is a thirty-year-old booty call news now?

Party line:
1. Walters is the most famous successful woman in broadcasting. (Prior to selling out hosting the empty chatfest we know as ‘The View’, she practiced actual journalism from time to time.)
2. Brooke was the first elected African American since Reconstruction and he was married at the time of their tryst.

Real deal:
1. Walters is a smug, uppity white woman who likes to look down on the little people from her television pulpit while dismissing them at the same time with a wave of her perfectly manicured hand has a book to¬†sell. She’s boring, self-righteous and completely disconnected from ‘real’¬†working human¬†types so she knows she’s got to sex-ploit the hell outta this shit in order to make some coin off this tome.
2. The ‘revelation’ was made during the May Sweeps period before the Exalted Altar of Oprah (along with other craptastic television moments like ¬†David Blaine’s idiot breath-holding nonsense and Tom Cruise’s luuurv hemhorrage).
3. There’s this black guy named Barry who’s all tryin’ to be president and stuff and Babs is all ‘Oooo, Ooooo, I know about black people. I even fucked¬†one for a while. Listen to me! Watch my show! Read my book!!! I STILL MATTER!!!

You know, I don’t know what’s more disgusting …
1. The thought of that dried up, wrinkly old broad doin’ the nasty and bumpin’ uglies with anyone
2. That no one respects even their OWN privacy anymore

Wait, yeah I do …

May 2, 2008 at 4:48 pm 11 comments

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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