Posts tagged ‘grandparents’

That’ll teach her!


A 14-year-old Iowa teenager abandoned by her grandparents under Nebraska’s extremely loosely translated (and enforced) safe-haven law is back with the cranky codgers who didn’t want her.

Well that’s gotta be awkward!

Her ‘guardians’ said dumping the girl off on the state was meant to ‘teach her a lesson’.

Ahh, ok — teach her a lesson like, say, going to bed with no dinner? Grounding her from the television or telephone? Having to take on extra chores around the house?

No? Guess those would have been the pansy way of doing things.
::: what the heck did this kid do?!?!? ::: 

Can you imagine what the suppertime is like in that house?
Watching grampy gum his pudding while granny guzzles a fiber drink and screech at you in her crotchety old-woman voice …

“In my day, we didn’t have all these new-fangled gub’mint programs and fancy services! In my day we turned brats like you out into the wild to fend for yourselves … and we liked it!”

Oh yeah … good times.

Advertisements

October 10, 2008 at 10:44 am

Non-Sense


Are You a Teleflora Non Mom?Ahh Mother’s Day … a time to tell that special someone just how much she has meant to your life.
Are YOU that special someone? Did YOU get mad props from your shorties and/or their père for all your hard work and sacrifice on their behalf?
Oh, I sure hope you did — I’m sure YOU deserved it.

But not you Non-Moms out there.
Y’all don’t count.

See, until this past weekend, I (like everyone else) was going around, doing my day to day all the while erroneously tagging undeserving women with the ‘mom’ label.
Silly me!
I was adhereing to the socially-accepted dictionary definition that a mother is:
1.) A female parent
2.) One’s female parent
3.) A mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother
4.) A term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent

But now I know that’s wrong — and I have the non-traditional family haters at Teleflora to thank for setting me straight!
Thank you Teleflora!

See, the flower clowns put on this Mother’s Day contest called ‘America’s Favorite Mom’ where people could go online and vote for their favorite bombofamom. Then Donnie and Marie Osmond would crown a Queen Mommybee in each of five handy categories — right there on national television (via NBC)!
NEATO!!

The mom-egories Teleflora’s crack marketing team decided were most appropriate were:
1.) Single Mom (big ups to her)
2.) CEO Mom (that bitch does EVERYTHING!)
3.) Military Mom (Saaaa-LUTE!)
4.) Working Mom (because being in the Military isn’t work …)
5.) Non-Mom

EERRRRKKKK …
Non-Mom?!? Whassat?

I’m so glad you asked!!!
According to Teleflora, a Non-Mom is:
1.) A grandmama raisin’ any of her baby’s babies
2.) A stepmom
3.) An adoptive mom

In other words, if YOU haven’t brought forth human life from your hoo-ha, then YOU are a Teleflora Non-Mom. And that makes YOU and your non-kids one big non-family! YAY!

How did it come to pass, I wonder …

Business man thinking“Well, they are out there, Charles. I’ve seen them! There’s one in my building– her husband’s kids.”
“Oh yes, Rick I know what you mean. I think I saw one at the park the other day. Old woman with two in a stroller. Grandkids or something …”
“I know exactly what you guys are talking about! Jeff and I were just talking about those women who adopt other people’s children? You know, they want to be a mom but they’re defective, obviously, and can’t so they have to go and buy a kid somewhere, right? Those women? What do we CALL those women?”
“Well Dan, I think that — for the purposes of this marketing campaign — we should call them Non-Moms. Yes! that sounds right. NON-MOMS!”

:::  Well, that’s how I imagine the brainstorming session in the Teleflora marketing office had to have gone when organizing the categories. If there was a bra in the room when that name was approved, she should turn in her woman card right now. :::

So there it was. Promotional items created. Web page launched. The contest was a go …
… until some Non-Moms saw it and became just this side of outraged by Teleflora’s tremendous twittitude.

Seems some nons made some calls and got all UP in some Teleflora shit and then Prest-O Change-O — the website gets an update, which included a pretty miserable mea culpa (the most lameass attempt I’ve ever seen to make up for insulting, debasing and demoralizing an entire class of the child-rearing world).

Too late!!
The letter-writing and phone-call campaigns are ON!!
Hate mail for everyone!! Woo hoo!!

Want to play along at home? (of course you do …)
Heeeeerrrrre’s your info:
America’s Favorite Mom
1.800.225.7435 / info@americasfavoritemom.com

Email for Donny and Marie Osmond
Kesti@marieosmond.com / email4donny@donny.com

Teleflora
1.800.835.3356 / 310.231.9199 (main corporate headquarters)

May 12, 2008 at 2:05 pm 9 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: