Posts tagged ‘governor’

The Iceman Cometh?


If it weren’t for the fact that I wasn’t even the teensiest bit hung over this morning [WTF?!?], I would have sworn on the holiest of holies — the Victoria’s Secret catalogue — that my eyeballs were still pissed about that whole Tom Jones leatherface nightmare and decided on a little payback prank of their own.

I mean, how else was I supposed to explain this headline:
Val Kilmer ponders run for NM governor in 2010

But, it’s true!

The job will be up for grabs next year when two-term hot slut Bill Richardson leaves office – and the Iceman wants to get his gubernatoriality on!!!
::: … no word yet on how Wolfman and Slider feel about this … :::

“If I run, I’m going to be the next governor.”

Well OK then, Mr. Lowselfesteem!
We think you can do it too, snookums!

Anyone who can coordinate the most awesomely not-meant-to-be-gay-but-soooooo-fucking-GAY beach volleyball game in the entire known history of the Top Gun fighter tactics instructor program has got my vote!
Or … uh … would have my vote if I lived in New Mexico and, you know, could, like, vote for you … and stuff.

SOURCE

February 6, 2009 at 4:00 pm 8 comments

They usually don’t fall far


appleandtree

Ex-Blagojevich adviser pleads guilty

January 16, 2009 at 9:07 pm 5 comments

Felonious free-for-all?


So the New Great Depression is kind of a bummer for most folks, what with losing their jobs, their houses, their entire life savings, their health care, their identity and their self-respect and all …

… but do you know who it’s good for?

FELONS, that’s who!
:::  … always two sides … ::: 

With state budgets in Defcon 5 panic mode – governors, legislators and prison officials across the country are rethinking that whole ‘justice for all’ concept and making policy changes that would put Big Stan, The Ox and Lester the Child Molester back on your block aaaaany time now.
::: Get the Welcome Wagon ready! ::: 

Prior to this fiscal crisis, legislators could tinker around the edges – but we’re now well past the tinkering stage,” said Marc Mauer, executive director of the Sentencing Project, which advocates alternatives to incarceration.
::: Putting the hood back in your ‘hood one day at a time! :::

“Many political leaders who weren’t comfortable enough, politically, to do it before can now,” he said
::: ‘I’m sorry Parolee # 286998 hacked your family to death — but think of the money you’ll save on tuition! :::

TOOT TOOOT!!!
All aboard the freedom train!

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is proposing early release of about 1,000 inmates.
::: Thugtastic! :::

New York Governor David Paterson wants early release for 1,600 inmates.
::: Shankerific! :::

And Kentucky recently implemented a ‘temporary’ cost-cutting program that’s given early release to nearly 2,000 inmates … including murderers and other violent offenders!
::: ‘cuz why should child-touchers and embezzlers have all the fun! :::

“There’s a new openness to taking a look,” said Michigan Senator Alan Cropsey, a Republican who in the past has questioned prison-reform proposals but — now that everyone can blame everything on the economy — isn’t gonna waste precious time thinkinating and solutionizing.

And who would?
Pansy ass liberals – that’s who!

Wussy hippie alarmists — like Thomas Sneddon, executive director of the National District Attorneys Association — are all ‘uhh, maybe there’s a better way guys???’

“I don’t think the public at large has any idea of who’s in these prisons,” he whined. “If they went and visited, they’d say ‘My God, don’t let any of these people out.'”

Actually, it’d be more like ‘ OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT! He’s in for WHAT?!?’
But who cares! A penny saved, right? 

Cue BCO share takeoff in 3 … 2 …

SOURCE

January 10, 2009 at 11:21 pm 17 comments

If you say so


blaggylegosm“I will fight. I will fight. I will fight until I take my last breath, ” Illinois Governor Rod ‘Grabbyhands” Blagojevich blah blah’d this afternoon to a bunch of people who’ve already requested press credentials for his trial.

“I have done nothing wrong, and I’m not going to quit a job that people hired me to do because of false accusations and a political lynch mob,” he said, his voice raised in an unsuccessful effort to be heard above the gigglefest going on around him.

blaggylego1Hey PRICKS! “Afford me the same rights that you and your children have. The presumption of innocence. The right to defend yourself!” he shrieked.

“I have on my side the most powerful ally there is: the truth.”
::: and several million in undisclosed ‘contributions’ in three separate offshore accounts … :::

“Besides, I have the personal knowledge that I have not done anything wrong,” he concluded before unexpectedly screaming ‘TASTE MY LEAD, BITCHES!!!!’, grabbing the briefcase full of money he’d demanded in exchange for his prepared statement and running for the nearest exit.

SOURCE

December 19, 2008 at 9:06 pm 8 comments

Sticking it to the (little) man


You may not have noticed — what with Oprah bringin’ the chunk again, media giant Tribune Company goin’ all brokeass brokey broke and the total hilarity of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich‘s comically crazy crookery landing him in a big ol’ pile of sweaty bail money and all — but there’s about to be some positive news coming out of Chicago.
::: Woo hoo!!!! Go Chi-Town, go Chi-Town, ishyaberfday, go Chi-Town!!! :::

See, the town’s little factory that couldn’t – Republic Windows and Doors – had this practice of pullin’ the ostrich and being all hush-hush about the utter abyss of financial fuckedupedness they were in. Apparently, they’d been doing it for quite a while and seemed pretty content with that status quo because it looked like no one would ever notice.
::: Strateeegerie! :::

bankerAnd, you know, they just might have been able to stick with it if they hadn’t been forced to shut all their shit down last Friday when the scrooges at Bank of America stopped rolling around naked in their massive 25 billion dollar bailout pile long enough to cancel the company’s entire line of credit. 
::: Say Scooter – wasn’t Friday also the same day BOA shareholders approved the Merril Lynch merger, effectively making Bank of America the country’s largest bank with $2.7 trillion in assets??????? hmmmm :::

So here we are today, watching hundreds of laid-off factory workers go through Day Five of protesting the bank’s ‘All for me, none for you’ policy in an effort to get someone wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase full of Benjamins to pinky swear they really are gonna get the severance and accrued vacation pay they’re owed …

… and watching bank reps, company brass and union bosses enter Day Two of trying to figure out how diffuse this bigass PR bomb.
::: And just in time for the holidays, too!! :::

And the positive?
I bet it’s over today.

I bet they don’t make it to Day Three ’cause, you know, it’s just hella hard for execs to negotiate surrounded by angry riff raff who get pissy when the caterer delivers lunch to everyone but them.

Yup – I bet we have a deal on the table by sundown!

And, not for nothing but that would be one big handful of NIFTY because it would mean it only took them nearly as long as it took God to make the world (and Bush to get water to the Superdome) to repairify and solutionize this hot mess.

December 10, 2008 at 6:17 pm 11 comments

Eliot Spitzer: Working Stiff


Today is the dawn of an awesome new day for former New York Governor,  Hall of Fame Whoremonger and all around manslut Eliot Spitzer.

The Luv Gov is straight up gettin’ paid, y’all!

No, he didn’t write a tell-all; he isn’t wranglin’ ho’s down at the Bunny Ranch and he’s not designing a line of creatively comfortable bondage briefs … yet.

Starting today, Spitz will be hard at work pimping his thoughts on government, regulation and finance for a bi-weekly column on Slate.com.
::: I wonder who gets to massage that copy!?! :::

“It’ll be heavily about the financial crisis and fixing financial markets and the economy generally,” confirmed Jacob Weisberg, editor-in-chief of the Slate Group.
::: Hey – maybe it’ll be good. I mean, if there’s one thing Spitz knows it’s how to appropriate funds! :::

The idea for the column – called ‘The Best Policy’ – came after Slate honchos spied a tasty Op-Ed piece Mistah Luvah wrote last month for The Washington Post that stimulated a deep desire for the hot slut in a big ol’ way.

“We called him about writing for us,” said Weisberg, who admitted the pub and the gub had themselves a quickie right then and there.

“It was not an epic negotiation. He was very receptive to the idea.”

And, you know, I just don’t doubt it at all.
I’ve heard he likes to receive …

Keep it between the margins, El!

December 4, 2008 at 2:51 pm 7 comments

Sarah Palin is Vice-President of loungechairs!


large-msg-122671383782large-msg-122669372725Disappointed she couldn’t see Cuba from her Miami hotel balcony, the Alaskan Hotness took time out from her hectic schedule of birthin’ babies, buying couture, being all mavericky and showing up basically everyone else who attended last week’s Republican Governor’s Association meeting to get her tan on … oh, and plot the Palin World Domination 2012 tour.

Don’t be fooled by the lack of hair product! Her Supreme Snowyness is totally clocked-in, solutionizing all the complicatedly complex problematic stuff facing the fine folks of the great energy producing state of Alaska.
::: big red dog, Big Red Dog — keep an eye on that BIG RED DOG!!! :::

I bet there’s all kinds of hush-hush, top-secrety type stuff in what appears to be a $1,500 Balenciaga ‘Weekender’ handbag oh so casually thrown to the end of the chaise.

spchampMmm hmmmm … yuppers. Totally  worki .. uh … wha … is that … champagne??

… ACK! … feel dizzy … mouth dry … light heade … uhh what’s happeni …

Oooooooooo I think I need a gravity check. I am suddenly feeling all … tingly for this woman!

I mean, except for the whole no-coherent-thought-wannabe-world-leader-darn-tootin’-hockey-mom-pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain-I-may-look-purty-but-am-really-really-REALLY-stupid thingamabobanstuff – we are soooo much alike!

She understands the benefits of ditching work to lay out.
::: sooooo important! :::
She sees value in ridiculously overpriced accessories billed to Mr. Notmybankaccount.
::: CRUCIAL! :::
And she has a firm grasp on what is the absolute quickest way to my pinko commie liberal bleeding heart … BOOZE!!!
::: we are one :::

*sniff — I totally  her right now!

SOURCE

November 18, 2008 at 5:02 pm 1 comment

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