Posts tagged ‘gold medal’

Melonious Assault!

Australia should give Jana Rawlinson every Olympic gold medal in every sport they have ever played in every Olympic Games ever held as well as the keys to the entire fucking country and, well, just put her up there on top of all things Down Under right this very second because no one loves Australia more than her!!!

No one!!!!!

See, Jana’s an Olympic hurdler and, as female athletes go, she wasn’t exactly raw motorboatin’ material, if you know what I’m sayin’ …
So Jana tweaked the twins for a fully femme physique buuuuutt — hindsight being 20/20 and all — ended up gettin’ all second-thoughty about it.

“Every time I raced I panicked about whether I was letting my country down, all for my own vanity.”

She was panicked, people … for her country!

“I absolutely loved having bigger boobs, but I don’t want to short-change Australia either.”

In case you missed the geography lesson – for patriots like Jana, that is the precise location where Rock and Hard Place intersect.

“I want to feel the most athletic I can, to know that I’m standing on the track in London (at the 2012 Olympics) the fittest I can be.”

So what did homegirl do?
She spent $13,000 on two operations over the past 14 months to bring her bod back to 13-year-old boy shape.

The bitch bagged her breastesesssss!!!!
“Yep, I’m back to being flat as a pancake,” she said.

Game. Set. Match!
I mean, unless they’re leaking toxins, causing cancer or are two wholly different sizes — ANY time a woman willingly expels her own implants is serious — but when she does it for her country?!? Well, that is serious to infinity!!

She cut out her chi chi’s … for her country!!!!!!!

I say she doesn’t even have to compete!
Just crown her queen of all Olympics EVER right the fuck now!!!!!





January 5, 2010 at 11:31 am 5 comments

Grifa grief

Get ready for Michael Phelps’ ‘Splishyboy Apology World Tour of Anguish’!!!

phelps_516_0102_25518aAqualung was caught tokin’ the tube during two days of way hard partying last November with some gold diggers students at the University of South Carolina in Columbia.

I guess he thought it was all good since November is typically “a quiet time in the swimming calendar when athletes would not expect to get tested for drugs.

Well  not so fast, Flipper!
One of those ho’s had a camera and snapped you doing some seriously non-role modely shit.
::: Dude — Celebrity Drug Addict’s Rule #1: Pat ’em down before you bed ’em down … ::: 

I bet his peen was so embarrassed that it called in sick and crawled all the way back inside his body cavity because once his spokesbitch hit him with the knowledge that News Of The World had the photo — faster than you can say ‘Duuuuuude … hehe … wai … whaaaaaat???’ – Bongboy admitted to the ‘regrettable behavior’.

In a statement released to The Associated Press, The Ocho said:
“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Aww c’mon dude — it’s not like you were doing snowcaps or crazy eddies … riiight?

Don’t worry – I’m sure those endorsements, book deal and mommy’s Chico’s contract will all be juuuust fine.

I mean, it’s not like you’re some lowly working-class fucking commoner – the kind who’d be 45 kinds of deep-shit busted for doing that kind of illegal-type crap with, you know, peeps who are, like, underage and all!

Could you just imagine the totally chaotified pandefuckinmonium that would happen if we held celebritards to those ‘real world’ standards and consequence-type things?!?!?

Noooo – of course you can’t …


February 1, 2009 at 7:00 pm 5 comments

I’d sue

Isn’t that sweet? They let blind people carve wax statues in China.

Well, I assume the artist was blind. Otherwise I can’t imagine how Fishsticks Phelps, who has admittedly ginormous headflaps, came to be Dumbo’s wax doppelgänger for, like, ever.

The freaktastic creation is currently on display at the National Museum Wax Art Exhibition in Beijing, China.

Just looking at it gives me a headache …

October 2, 2008 at 7:59 pm

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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