Posts tagged ‘God’

Prayz Jezuz


Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!

WOO HOO!!!

A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.

SUPERACHIEVERY SPECIALICIOUSNESS!!!

Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!
HOOooooooodawgeez!

December 30, 2009 at 11:17 am 5 comments

God is good ’till he gets your ass FIRED!


Newspaper Headline: Home Depot worker wears ‘under God’ button, then gets fired

Story (nutshell version): Guy wears ‘One nation under God’ button to work at Home Depot, gets verbal warnings to cut it out but nothing happens ’till he starts bringing his Bible to the biz — then things got all employment terminationey and now he’s whining that Home Depot is anti-God and anti-troops.

Editorial Comment: Seriously?
This shit again?
Not news.

Bottom Line: You tried to get away with something. It didn’t work. Get over it.

Like most businesses, Home Depot has a dress code policy states noncompany buttons, regardless of their message or content, are not allowed.
Don’t like it? Don’t work there.

Company spokesdude Craig Fishel said Home Depot has a “proud history” of supporting the military, and that it sanctions several of its own buttons for employees to wear, including one that reads: “United We Stand.”

United We Stand … yep, I think that’s generally regarded as a universally supportive sentiment. Uh huh.

But Trevor Keezer’s buttonation wasn’t really just about supporting the troops.
“You can’t have country without God,” he said
::: actualy, Trev – you can :::

“Every pin they showed me had no ‘God’ on it or anything.”
::: OH GOD! :::

“I was told [my button] had to come off, or I would be sent home. So they sent me home for six straight days without pay. And then today they terminated me,” he said.
“It never crossed my mind to take off the button because I’m standing for something that’s bigger than I am.
::: Hmmm, bigger than you are … maybe I use that copout so I can wear my ‘Republitards are child touchers’ baby tee to work … :::

“They kept telling me the severity of what you’re doing and I just let God be in control and went with His plan.”
::: Looks like God’s the new Donald Trump, biatch! :::

Keezer says he didn’t set out to make a religious statement [yes he did], but now that he has, he believes he’s done the right thing. [Of course he does – he has to! It makes the unemployment line more tolerable.]

Listen kid, you must just be really new to the whole world of work … so let me break it down for you:
Employers actually do have the right (and sometimes obligation) to tell your hourly ass exactly what you can and cannot wear — otherwise we’d be run amok with camel toe, Daisy Dukes and decolletage …
::: Passable on a Saturday night at One Eyed Jack’s but not so much for the 9-5 :::

… or worse! — Klan garb, religious ridiculousness or *ACK* Palin paraphernalia!

Trust me kid — nobody wants that shit!

SOURCE

October 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm 7 comments

SEE?!


This is some Book of John shit right here!

A 60-year-old woman, blind for nearly a decade, can see again!

But “God” God can’t take the credit for this one. Nuh uh!

That honor goes to a team of “Doctor” gods at the Bascom Palmer Eye Institute at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine who performed an unusual but revolutionary surgery on the Mississippi grandmother.

MAD PROPS, DOC DUDES!!!

Sharron Thornton suffers from Stevens-Johnson syndrome and was rendered blind after an allergic reaction to a medication which damaged her cornea. She had tried many medical procedures, including gene therapy, but nothing brought her sight back.

“Being blind was horrible after seeing for 51 years,” she said.

The procedure she had in Miami — get ready to be amazed and impressed but, yeah, probably also a little freaked out — involved implanting one of her teeth into her eye as a base to hold a tiny plastic lens.

No foolin’!
It’s the tooth!!

“We take sight for granted, not realizing that it can be lost at any moment,” she said after the surgery. “This truly is a miracle.”

Because a lot of patients’ bodies reject transplanted or artificial corneas, American doctors — for the first time ever — used an Italian-pioneered procedure called (don’t hurt yourself on this one) osteo-odonto-kerato-prosthesis in which the canine or “eyetooth” and surrounding bone are extracted, shaved and sculpted. Doctors then drill a hole into it to insert an optical cylinder lens.

Freakycool, right?!? But there’s more!

The tooth and the lens are then implanted under the patient’s skin in the cheek or shoulder for two months so they could bond. Once bonded, they are implanted in the center of the eye after a series of procedures to prepare the socket.

“A hole is made in the mucosa for the prosthetic lens, which protrudes slightly from the eye and enables light to re-enter the eye allowing the patient to see once again,” read an Eye Institute statement.

And just like the dude in John 9:25 … Thornton now too can say ‘whereas I was blind, now I see’.

Biblical AND Scientifical – YAY!!!

Thornton said people should imagine what it is like “if you could keep your eyes closed just for one week … it’s amazing what you see when you open your eyes again.”

Her bandages were removed two weeks ago and she was able to recognize objects and faces a few hours later. She is now able to read a newspaper.

But what does she most want to see?
You guessed it – the fam!

“I’m looking forward to seeing my seven youngest grandchildren for the first time,” said Thornton.

Rock ON science!

iluvbp

SOURCE
SOURCE

September 23, 2009 at 10:22 am 1 comment

Immaculate Deception


… if only you knew this yesterday before you wasted three hours in church, eh?

August 17, 2009 at 10:42 am

Oh Good God!


STOP IT PEOPLE!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!

These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!

For the record:
You can believe in yourself.
You can believe in a higher power!
You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!

But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salamiat the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!

You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!

vmary1Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary 
——————————->
in his Washington DC office this week.
::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::

“I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::

Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”

Well sure!
Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
Happens all the time!

NOT!

Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
sshortcakepmoments2
Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
… but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?

Oh Hell No!

So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!

Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.

God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?

Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.

He’s not.
It’s true.
Deal with it.

But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …

god8ball

May 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm 3 comments

THIS bitch …


 glasshouse1SOURCE

May 6, 2009 at 1:02 pm 1 comment

Effed-up effigy?


Some people are so damned touchy!

A shepherd of the Lord in Germany has been gettin’ his God on by playjesusrecreating scenes from the good book using modified Playmobil characters, such as an awesomely anatomically-correct Adam and Eve.

For some inexplicable reason – Playmobil has a problem with this.

In a strongly worded missive sent to Markus Bomhard, the toymaker described his work as a “massive manipulation of the figures, for example reshaping their arms with a hairdryer or candle to nail them to a cross”.
::: Well, the devil IS in the details … :::

Not one to crap out on the ninth commandment, bible boy fessed up.

“It’s true that I did use a hairdryer to soften the figure for the crucifixion scene because the fingers wouldn’t spread out jesuswomenproperly otherwise. Then I had to let it harden again before I could nail it to the cross.”
::: SEE PLAYMOBIL! If your shit was more malleable none of this would have been necessary!!! :::

“We are quite tolerant if this is done in the privacy of the home but if someone crucifies a Playmobil figure, or, as in the case of Eve, glues on breasts, then this is a completely different dimension,” Playmobil’s Gisela Kupiak explained.

The offending evangelizer has defended his depictions by invoking none other that Pope Benedict XVI.

“May your project allow many children and adults access to Holy Scripture,” Benny wrote in support of the misguided minster.
::: That’s right, douchebags! Think of the CHIRREN!!! :::

— Not for nothing, but even a hellbound heathen like yours truly has to admit that God’s representative on Earth pretty much trumps corporate flak correspondence anyday. —

adameveBut Playmobil brass were all ‘Wrath of God, Schmath of God, fucker! You’ll be feeling the Wrath of Ira Goldenblatt if you don’t yank Adam’s wank and pull the plug on Eve’s tasty tatas!”

‘They’ve given the confused ecclesiastic until April 6 to remove the inappropriate imagery from his website.

… Sünders …

April 2, 2009 at 3:16 pm 5 comments

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