Posts tagged ‘gas prices’

As goes NASCAR …


Forget bank failures.
Nevermind the mortgage meltdown.
Disregard the crippling credit crisis.

If you want to know just how really awfully terribly bad it is out there, look no further than NASCAR.

Estimates from Sports Illustrated and Associated Press reporters at Sunday’s AMP Energy 500 in Talladega showed attendance might have been down as much as 50,000 from last fall’s race.
::: Well that ain’t no good look! ::: 

“The crowd is way down. The backstretch grandstands are half full,” ESPN analyst Marty Smith confirmed.

Oh No! … Oh Yes!
The cheap seats backstretch grandstands were *GASP*  less than half full on race day and the front-stretch grandstands had ‘numerous pockets of empty seats including the two end sections that were virtually empty’.
::: the end is nigh! :::

You high fallutin’ types may not understand the significance of empty seats at Talladega, so let me break it down for you: It is a sign of the apocalypse every bit as ominous as plagues, pestilence or Paris Hilton’s new perfume.

We are talking all-out, Defcon 5, the bar’s out of Bud-style PANIC here people!!

Empty seats at Talladega means:

  • Cleetus, Belva and their bunch couldn’t make the trailer payment AND fill up the Chevy.
  • Darryl had to decide between Tony Stewart and the Piggly Wiggly.
  • Joe Sixpack had to choose between drinkin’ his paycheck and drivin’ it.

  • This is serious!

    When folks can’t pay for enough gas to fuel the F-150 all the way to the track so they can sit and watch guys drive in a circle for 6 hours and waste a whole lot more gas — well, it don’t take no rocket scientist, metal shop fabricator OR hockey mom to tell you shit is bad, y’all!

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    October 6, 2008 at 2:42 pm 1 comment

    Economical strategification


    According to a new survey, “More companies in the U.S. plan to boost prices and limit hiring as the surge in raw-material costs hurts profits.”

    What a groundbreakingly bold new strategy!!
    ::: charge more + hire less = common sense! :::

    Thank you Captain Obvious and the rest of the Super Duper Thinking Team over at the National Association for Business Economics!
    ::: I you guys! :::

    Can this exciting new plan could be applied to other  things?!?

    What if — and bear with me here, I’m just throwing this one out there off the top of my head — what if we DROVE LESS to offset the high price of gas???

    WOW — right?!?

    July 21, 2008 at 2:41 pm 5 comments

    Back Off, Bertha!


    We had a nice, quiet June, didn’t we?

    Tropical Storm Bertha trackHad some barbecue (mmmmm – barbecue …), went to the beach (fyi — nude beach in Ft. Lauderdale is hilarity in a man hammock!), got our drink on (don’t ask – I can’t count that high) — and now it’s the end of the first week of July and we have …

    Bertha.

    Look bitch — stay away. Kay?
    My summer is going along just fine and I have neither the time nor the patience to figure out this early which bank I can knock over to pay for the gas my generators will suck down in the dark days after a storm.

    I just don’t need the stress – so keep it offshore like a good little tropical storm and everybody’s happy.

    July 6, 2008 at 1:58 pm 4 comments

    Automakers predict drop in sales


    Omigod omigod omigod!!!!! The bigwigs at Chrysler are totally gettin’ their psychic freak on!!!
    They are up there in their officey-type enclosures divining information the rest of us can only take wild guesses at!
    NIFTY!!!

    “We’re going to report much lower sales versus last year” for the month of June, Chrysler’s Jim Press told reporters.

    Oh.
    My.
    GOD!!!!!

    How did he know?!?
    June just ended yesterdaySPOOKY!!

    No Money“Industry analysts expected Chrysler and nearly all other major automakers [except Honda] to see big sales drops for June.”

    DO YOU SEE?!?!? DO YOU SEEEEEEEE?!?!?
    What is going on here?

    Are they all reading tea leaves?
    Has someone visited the Oracle of Apollo at Delphi?!?
    Did Nostradamus predict such a happening??!!??
    Is this prophesy the product of a cold reading? A hot reading? Or, perhaps, an illooooosion?!?!?
    And can you sense the overt sarcasm by my abundant over-use of question marks AND exclamation points – TOGETHER?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
    What could it beeeeeeeeee?????!!!!!!?????!!!!!

    Oh wait … that’s right.

    Gas costs a gozillion dollars a *&%%$#@! gallon, layoffs are as common as summer teevee reruns, food prices are through the roof (which would be the roof you can no longer afford) … so, like, riiiight man, I get it now.
    Broke ass broke folk (i.e. YOU) aren’t buying cars.

    Umm, like duh and stuff?

    Way to pump a no-shit story, wire services!

    July 1, 2008 at 2:51 pm 4 comments

    Let’s stay focused, people!


    Wait – let me get this straight …

    The national average price for a gallon of regular gasoline is more than $4, which has caused:
    * The po-po to get stupid creative
    * Suburban brats to lose their shit over, well, losing their shit
    * Caffeine-crackies to ditch their morning mocha-docha-nilla-soy-tofu-wheatgrass-no foam-grande-tall-whatthefuckisthisbullshit-latte
    * Town fair operators to yank their weiners
    … and well — you get the idea.
    High gas prices suck, y’all!!

    But it’s not just the price of petrol that’s turned us into a nation of Gloomy Gusses …
    * Milk is nine-thousand-dollar-a-gallon (not really … but ‘get ready’ is all I’m saying …)
    * Your 12-year-old rusted out Chevy beater is worth more than the house you bought a year ago
    * That job you thought you had when you drove to work this morni … oh, sorry — HR on Line 2 …

    No wonder a recent poll revealed 8 out of every 10 Americans think the country is headed in, well, just ALL kids of the wrongest or wrong directions!!
    ::: seriously  – we needed to do an actual poll to know this?!? :::

    Buuuuuttttt — never fear!
    Shallow American Vanity is here!!!

    YAY SHALLOW AMERICAN STUPIDI, ERR, VANITY!!!!

    It’s true – just ask Lauren!

    Lauren couldn’t get an unsecured bank loan to gas up the earth-raping Hummer she bought to show her incredible lack of self-esteem support for the troops back in the ‘boom times’ and the monstrosity has been on Repo Radar for almost two months and the wardrobe she bought her Puggle, Pookie, had to be returned and she found out just yesterday  that her office will be closing permanently this Friday so she won’t be able to make her annual ski-trip to Bamff and she had THE worst tiff with her BFF-4EVAR this morning (OMG – riiiight???) because she just gets sooo bitchy  without her a.m. Starbucks and … well — Lauren is just haulin’ the stressmonster around in every  possible way!!!

    But take heart kiddies –  it will all be ok because Lauren is a modern, American woman. And modern, American  women have super-ninja skills when it comes to foregoing fuel and food and friends and fun as long as they can keep their one, true love:
    Plastic Surgery

    Ayep – In 2007, Americans spent more than $13 billion for nearly 11.7 million cosmetic procedures. That’s up from nearly 8.5 million procedures in 2001.
    “While today’s economy reflects a slow-down in plastic surgery procedures, the specialty will weather the current decline in economic growth just as it has previous declines, such as the stock market correction after the 2001 Internet bubble,” said ASPS President Richard D’Amico, MD.
    ::: anyone else creeped out by a body doc who talks like a hedge-fund manager? :::

    And really, when you get right down to it — isn’t it heartening to know that in these very uncertain and scary economic times, your fellow citizen-ettes are holding tight, tight , TIGHT to the things that really matter …
    Botox, bigger lips, new boobs and lipo

    God Bless Help America

    June 25, 2008 at 3:02 pm 5 comments

    Garbage … it’s what’s for dinner


    Garbage Dumpster - It's What's For DinnerOh my god – this is HUGE!
    I have found the answer to EVERYTHING — and the best part? It’s all around me and it’s all FREE!!!!!
    Woo hoo!!

    I can live a virtually cost-free life by putting the F-word into practice.

    See, there’s this group of cheap hippie freaks people who call themselves Freegans and they’ve figured out how to live the ‘One man’s trash is another man’s treasure’ principle on a daily basis.
    *Freegie-Beegies are people who rummage through the stink, the slime, the stench and salmonella of trash bins everywhere searching for food, household items, paper products, clothes and just about any old nastay-ass discard you can imagine — and they live off their haul.

    It’s not Dumpster diving — it’s Waste Reclamation and, with my homeowner’s insurance skyrocketing, food prices through the roof and gas prices almost forcing me to choose between my drinking problem and getting around town — I have decided to leverage a little Freeganism for my freegin’ good!

    But am I ready? Do I have what it takes to be truly Freeganiving?
    I think I am … I think I do!

    Every Thursday, my local Publix takes the stale, slightly moldy bread and all the lingering limp vegetables from their shelves and cycles them out to the galvanized-steel ‘reclamation’ bins behind the store … talk about your five-finger discount!
    Freeganomical!

    Cafeteria employees over at Midlands Elementary take each day’s uneaten remains and repurpose them to a set of plastic drums sitting in a lonely, unshaded corner of the parking lot. What I once thought of as maggot magnets I now see as full-on hot lunch buffet!!
    Freeganistic!

    I have a neighbor who works about four blocks from my office … a neighbor who doesn’t lock his car at night (well that’s what I HEARD !). If I can get my freeloadin’ ass up a sneaky ten minutes earlier, I can stow away in his trunk and silently slug my way to the office each day.
    Freeganificent!

    Oh, I know it won’t be all bitter broccoli and second-hand saliva. Foraging isn’t all fun and games!
    And if it doesn’t pan[handle] out, I may be forced to practice some Voluntary Joblessness to offset the impact of my lack of transportation, which I further understand may lead to an unavoidable period of Rent-Free Habitation in one of the abandoned foreclosures in my immediate area … but what is life if not sacrifice?
    *And hey, if I get arrested — that’s even MORE free food and accommodations comin’ my way! It’s win-win!!

    Who wants to help me prove that the best things in life are free… and, well yeah, fungal??

    June 2, 2008 at 7:04 pm 6 comments

    FREE MONEY!


    Mystery man giving out cash in FloridaA well-dressed mystery man is driving around central Florida handing out cash to people at service stations. 

    Two people in Brandon, a male cabbie and a woman driver, reported receiving cash from a man wearing a shirt and tie (and, we assume, pants).
    The woman told clerks at the Mobil station that she received $55 and was able to put three whole gallons of gas in her car!! Woo hoo!!

    Similar incidents were reported in St. Petersburg.

    Why does this stuff NEVER happen with I’m around?!?

     

    May 7, 2008 at 3:27 pm 4 comments


    This is the shit you bitches are reading


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