Posts tagged ‘funny’

ALL HAIL BB!!


Yesterday bore witness to a mighty feat!

A Major Accomplishment!!

A MONUMENTOUS EVENT!!!

… and you missed it …

… a fact that would normally make me put on a big ol’ boo-hoo frowny face for you, except — this time — I don’t have to.

Because you were saved.

SAVED!

Saved by my Birmingham Buddette — who’s name shall remain a secret but who’s initials are The Most Magnificent Mom and Marvelous Motorist Extraordinaire To Infinity EVAR!!!!

SAVED!

Because she’s a hero like that.

ALL HAIL BB!!

Because while you and Flo Rida were gettin’ your collective ‘Good Feeling’ on, she was diverting DOOM by keeping her shit all kinds of together while witnessing nothing short of all-out hitchhiking hijackery — on her windsheild!

BEHOLD!

Hitchhiking Hot Slut

Questions abound!

How was the runaway reptile able to sustain the shanghai at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour?!

How did my Birmingham Budette manage to operate her automobile under such dire circumstances?!?

How did that lizard stay latched on for more than 20 miles?!?!

How many of you motorists passed this public phenomenon – completely unaware you could have borne witness to one of the most treacherous treks in all of known history dating back to the  invention of the WHEEL in the most ancient of times?!?!?!

Ohhhh, make no mistake about it, people!

THIS will undoubtedly go down as one of history’s GREAT mysteries!

Because the critter certainly has no comment and my Birmingham Buddette’s far too fly to divulge the deets before the book deal’s done!

… and you missed it

ALL HAIL BB!!

March 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm 2 comments

THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!


When serious news happens, I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!

And what was it this Saturday, March 17, 2012?

Egypt’s Pope Shenouda III going all kinds of dead at age 88?
::: nah, those mourning masses meant twelve kinds of APPARENTLY NOT MUCH! :::
The 8 NCAA men’s basketball tournament games being played?
::: puhleeze – 80 gozillionthousand people screaming about busted brackets – BOOOORING! :::
Supremely sinister shit STILL going down in a bad, bad way over in Syria?
::: uhh, like no ‘n stuff?! it’s Syria, not SoFla! :::
St. Patrick’s Day observer’s out gettin’ their green on and going batshit bazoinkadork in shades of beryl and bice all over the gat damned place?
::: get real. like $4.55 BILLION in expected retail sales is interesting in this continued new great depression or anything! :::

Nope.
None of that pesky “actual news” even lives in the same hemisphere of being nearly as noteworthy as the in-depth exposé on what is indisputably THE most important issue ever to face the people of Earth, the United States, the East Coast, Florida, Broward County, Tamarac!

NEWSFLASH!
There are slow drivers out there — and they are frustrating!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there to wade through the uncertainty and confusion of this MAJOR STORY!

Apathetic automobile operators have produced nothing short of all-around yawns an all-out affront to life as we know it!
The people have spoken and they are easily placated pissed — they are out there reacting when provoked to respond to this non-event by beat reporters with nothing better to do.

And, you know,  I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel was there to break it down in easily-digestible chunkletts!!!!

“Slow drivers are really a hazard,” said John Bowman, a spokesman for the National Motorist Association.

FEEL THE PANIC!

Joshua Rotenberg, of Fort Lauderdale, says he wonders why slowpokes aren’t “pulled over and slapped for being discourteous.”

SENSE THE OUTRAGE!!

“I get upset and wish them a slow death,” one reader said via Facebook.

FEAR THE VENGEANCE!!!

“It’s frustrating but it’s not worth ruining my day over,” said Darren Short, a delivery truck driver from Boynton Beach.

BRACE FOR THE CALAMI … wait. What?

“A lot of the time, it’s only a matter of a few seconds or minutes before the slow driver will turn off,” AAA’s Michele Harris explained.

Troopers agree! They say when encountering drivers committing the dastardly deed of deliberately dawdling during your day to just use your turn signal and change lanes.

Whew! Crisis averted!!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is thereor whatever …

March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm 1 comment

A Work of Art


Every person knows at least one.
Every town has at least one.

At least one individual who brings the hotness like nobody’s business, that is.

Where I live – that individual is Palm Beach County Schools Superintendent Art Johnson.

Just look at that hot slut!
<—————————

Art Johnson 100% raw sex appeal, sunshine and magic. A feast for the eyes you want to snack on forEVER!

He is so hot even his own face can’t keep up with the cool!
His hotnesss is literally burning the hair off his head!!
I can’t even look at Art Johnson without applying sunscreen!!!

H-O-T!

Go ahead and be jealous you non-Palm Beachers – but not too jealous.
‘Cuz remember …

Every person knows at least one.
Every town has at least one.

Who’s yours?

May 27, 2010 at 2:16 pm 7 comments

BEHOLD THE MAGNIFICENT PILE!!!


Throughout the year — every year — things happen that let you know exactly where you are chronologically.

You don’t even have to ask.
You need only look and you know!

When the sea of pastel stretches as far as the eye can see – Easter cannot be far behind.

When I’m accosted by little girls dressed in green begging me to buy Shortbreads and Do-si-dos on my way into Publix — I know the annual monthlong child-labor church/school/community/other ‘let’s make a deal’ extravaganza has only just begun.

When I see anything made of red felt cloth with white bushy anything around it — or holly, holly’s a dead giveaway — I know it’s July or August and retailers are working their ‘great value’ voo-doo to separate me from my Christmas cash before I can even say LABOR DAY!

And when I behold The Magnificent Pile — I know the beginning of Hurricane Season is scant days away.

And lo and behold – The Magnificent Pile appeared before me this very day!

Actually – I spotted many such piles in my neighborhood but none are EVER as glorious, as spectatular a sight, as magical an ocular indulgence as The Magnificent Pile my neighbor assembles every year!

Palm fronds, coconuts, bouganvilla and hibiscus!
Overgrowth, mulch, moldy cypress chips and dead shrubbery!!
::: And citrus! Because we know how much rats loooove citrus!!! :::

The Magnificent Pile knows no bounds!
She welcomes all comers to decompose en masse in 100-degree weather atop the biggest storm drain in the cul-de-sac.

Afternoon spring rains be damned!
The Magnificent Pile will not be deterred.

There is no great gardening need for my neighbor for six whole months!
The probability of Mother Nature’s pissiosity devastating the dwelling my neighbor so loves is nothing more than a harmful thought for six whole months!!
The likelihood of my neighbor losing insurance is a joke for six whole months!!!

That’s party time in SoFla, bitches!
No need for my neighbor to cut, snip, trim or rake for six whole months!
That’s just how he likes to we roll.

Until sometime before June 1 … when The Magnificent Pile appears like an angel of the Lord to let everyone know that the time of the impending and unforeseen is upon us and he we must clean and cull his our vegetative waste with all due haste …

… or fear a sequel to the weather war that was 2004!

Three weeks and counting …

May 9, 2010 at 9:04 pm 1 comment

My gift to you


Someone asked me recently if I had a ‘little trick’ to keep myself positive during tough times.

I do … and it’s not just booze what you think.

It’s Jesus Kitty.

Jesus Kitty is my salvation.
Jesus Kitty brings me peace.
Jesus Kitty makes me want to be a better person.

Behold the true prophet of the universe and drink in his wondrous glory, bitches!!
———————>

In a world of CATastrophic stupidity, massive oil spills, terror scares, earthquakes, floods, senseless violence and other shit that ain’t right — I’m glad to know I can count on Jesus Kitty to be there for me, to watch over me and guide me to the path of righteousness and light.

And now you can be too …
Don’t say I never do anything for you people!

May 6, 2010 at 12:39 pm 3 comments

Happy Layoff To You, Happy Layoff To You!


Old and busted: Surprising the birthday girl with streamers, balloons and cake on her special day
New Hotness: Surprising the birthday girl with the prospect of being laid off on her special day

A certain green-eyed girl I know is about to have a birthday.
A very important birthday.
A 29th birthday which, as we all know, is the true and undeniable symbolic end to the folly and childlike innocence drunken nonstop insanity of youth … which, as we all know, calls for a party with streamers, balloons and cake.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
NOT THIS TIME, BIOTCH!!

[NAME REDACTED],
Please be advise you are required to attend a confidential meeting on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in the HR conference room.  Your manager will advise you of the meeting agenda on that date.

Regards
[NAME REDACTED]
Human Resources Employment Manager

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhhh, let me just tell you there is NO joy quite as joyously joyful as the act of freaking a friend’s shit so bad that every drop of blood drains from her face in less than a nanosecond!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
GOOD TIMES!

But the best part isn’t even the wickedly FANTABULOUS HR prank – which, as we all know, is HELLAMEGAYEAH great.
Nope.
The best part was her hubster’s advice:

“I think that no matter what you should wear a party hat to the meeting. That way if it is a birthday thing then you’ve shown them that you weren’t fooled.

If, on the other hand, it is a firing – they simply cannot fire you … not wearing a birthday hat.

And if it is a departmental downsizing then they’ll want to keep you because you’ve obviously got the best attitude … you know … wearing a party hat to the down sizing.”

ÜBERHELLAMEGAYEAH!!!!!

Party City here I come!!!

*smooches girl*

April 7, 2010 at 10:02 am 6 comments

Hours of fun


Accidental Dong dotcom

*Well, hours of fun if you’re three … like me …

February 19, 2010 at 11:15 am 1 comment

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: