Posts tagged ‘fug’

Why Cleveland, WHY?!

Are there truly no more great ideas?
Have all the creative PR stunts been tried?
Is atoricity the new aim?

Frealz, Cleveland!
You have a golden opportunity to do something great, to be legendary, to make history … and you go with The Fuggie?!?

But you did — at Snuggie Night at The Q on Friday, where every person who walked into Quicken Loans Arena received a free maroon Fuggie to create a new Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets of one color in one place: 20,562.

At least one Detroit fan brought his own blue fug rug with the Pistons logo on it, while a few Fuggie haters HEROES refused to participate and sat defiantly in what I am absolutely positive were the most awesomely amazing street clothes ever worn by any person in the history of mankind. EVER!

Guinness adjudicator Danny Girton verified the new fleece blanket record in the first quarter, and praised the Cavaliers’ original idea dumbass fuckery.

“Anybody, anywhere at any time can attempt a Guinness World Record at any time and become a world hero in their own right,” Girton said.

Yes – they can!
And there are a LOT better records out there than outfitting yourselves in the most awfult ensemble in the known universe, Clevelanders!!!

Like Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India who the gods blessed with the longest, most lavish ear hair!
<— Look at that hotness!
C’mon guys – you’re CLEVELAND, for crying out loud! Surely there’s some mullethead in your midst who can top that?!

Or Gary Stewart who rode the clouds and created a legacy when he claimed the record for the longest pogo jumping record in all of the entire earthly realm!!
You guys can’t find some clodhopper west of the Cuyahoga jump rope or blow bubbles for a couple of days?!

And France’s own (now dead but for other reasons) Michel Lotito, who holds the coveted Guinness record for weirdest diet for eating nothing but metal and glass from 1959 until his death in 2007. Since 1966, dude ate 18 bicycles, 15 grocery carts, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a low-calorie Cessna light aircraft and a computer.
He is said to have provided the only example in history of a coffin (handles and all) ending up inside a man. By October 1997, he had eaten nearly nine tons of metal!!!

Metal Health’ll cure your crazy
Metal Health’ll cure your mad
Metal Health is what we all need
It’s what you have to have

Oh yeah, Clevelanders!
That mangia may not be as tasty as pierogis or Polish Boys but ya gotta admit THAT’S the kind of go gettery that earns you the kind of universal adulation befitting a Guinness title!!!

Or this one. ūüėČ

But a multithousand menagerie of misfits masquerading as men (women and children) of action when all they did was get snugged up in a fug rug just 100% totally misses the mark of true merit in my book.

Eh, but kudos or nice try or whatever and all.


March 8, 2010 at 11:01 am 4 comments

Haute MESS

From the House of Derri√©r’s ‘Doo on You’ Collection:
“Because you can’t BE the shit until you look the part”


May 5, 2009 at 10:04 am 14 comments

Sorry for the delay …

… but I was suddenly struck by a severe case of Ocular Outrage – you know, where your eyes literally peel themselves open from the inside and squirt gaze-goo all over the place.

Ya – NOT Fun.

It happened during my morning World Headline Tour and Scavenger Hunt¬†O’ Stupid when¬†I ran across some crap about Tom Jones hauling his saggy nutsack¬†on tour and I was all ‘Damn, I¬†thought that dude was dead!’¬† …

… then I clicked the link and was all ‘MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!!!!’ when I saw what I am still not convinced isn’t a seeing-eye leather bowling bag …


My opthalmologist swears my retinas can be reattached with relatively little pain.

January 30, 2009 at 7:14 pm 6 comments












¬†¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†2007 ………………………………………………………….. 2008

THIS hot hairy mess (and my boyfriend) are why 2009 is the year we should all be looking to get audaciously hopified … in triplicate!

The last year was hard, yo — and if you didn’t lose everything you own to a banking scandal or job loss or hush-hush trip to Vegas you can’t tell the missus about, then seeing the devastating toll the preceeding 12 months has taken on Joaquin Phoenix should nutshell it for you pretty concisely.

Dude is was a luscious piece and I am seriously prepared to cut a bitch for disagreeing … and so let’s offer up toasts, prayers, false idols and I’ll even throw in a really ugly ass regifted scarf my aunt thought would come in handy in FLORIDA¬†(dumb bitch) in the hope that hotstuff can find his way to the razor counter at CVS, clean his shit UP and¬†do better in 2009 …

… ’cause if he cain’t, ain’t no savin’ the rest of our sorry souls!

Godspeed Joaquin … godspeed!

January 1, 2009 at 6:56 pm 10 comments

Would you hit it?










‘Cuz someone did … someone paid for these bitches¬†… more than once …

But, you know, I get it.

I do!
As I sit here feasting my eyes upon these two glorious rays of perky, sunshiny femininity I’m overcome with verklemptitudination because Itchy and Scratchy personify the drive, the guts, the sticktoitiveness of American entrepreneurship that keeps this great country of ours moving toward a bright new day of perfection and bliss and unadulterated glee that will enab … uhh … umm … what was I sayi …

Oy gevalt, I’m paying homage to hookers?!?!?¬†
… fuckin’ meds …

December 20, 2008 at 3:23 pm 8 comments

Financial hardship is a hairy situation

America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug¬†… ¬†I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And¬†I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The¬†cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending¬†last quarter¬†looking for big gains —¬†but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems,¬†is¬†locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently,¬†L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty¬†weak third quarter numbers – including¬†a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal¬†blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR¬†lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but¬†OUR¬†lack of follicle-enhancing finances¬†isn’t just killing¬†L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass –¬†THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it¬†is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA –¬†that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn —¬†I laughed so hard¬†I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic¬†Telescopic Mascara!!!

October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

Just sayin’ (again) …

Madame and Wildenstein - separated at birth?

When you have so much plastic embedded in your person that you no longer look like a, well, like a person – maybe it’s time to stop? Ya think?!?

Jocelyn Wildenstein has had multiple silicone injections into what used to resemble human lips, cheeks, and chin. She also found a surgical hack to do¬†one fugged-up facelift and eye reconstruction to¬†make her look¬†more “feline”.¬†

People call her the Cat Lady, but she looks more like Wayland Flowers’ bitchy handsock ‘Madame’ to The Cookie.

Joan Rivers C’mon – you know you see it — and I know what else you’re thinking … ——————–>

::: mmm hmmmmm, THASraht :::

And when you think about it, they’re really no different than¬†dispoable, plastic bottles … it’ll take about 1,000 years in a landfill to get rid of them all!

May 29, 2008 at 6:08 pm 2 comments

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