Posts tagged ‘free’

Limited Time Offer!!!

Like you bitches need MORE reasons to drink excessively on New Year’s Eve?!

McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia is offering a free burial to folks who drink and drive (and, well, ok – DIE) while ringing out the old and drinking in the new.

The burial boys say anyone who signs a contract admitting they plan to booze it and lose it on before the clock strikes 2010 will get a free memorial complete with casket, grave, limousine and preparation of your pickled, earthly remains.
::: grieving rellies cursing your dumb fucking ass sold separately :::

Funeral home officials said the program is designed to save lives by making partygoers think twice about drinking and driving.

Looks like they forgot all about the terminally ill and terribly poor who may just see the bright side of a blue-light burial …

December 30, 2009 at 5:56 pm 2 comments

Tacky isn’t just for wedding DRESSES anymore

Proving once and for all that everything is, in fact, for sale – a Virginia Beach woman pulled a Star Jones and snagged some corporate sponsorship … for her wedding.

[[ … Pinched for cash, Virginia Beach hairdresser Kelly Gray went on eBay to offer a spot in her bridal party to the highest bidder … ]]
:::: <— wak manicure aside, what is UP with that pinky finger?!? You could bag a trout with that hook! :::

But the winner of the online begging-fest auction wasn’t some lonely chick lookin’ to eat free pork tenderloin and do the chicken dance in an ugly chiffon dress.
Nope, it was a representative of Dr. Pepper Snapple Group.
::: Ka-CHING!!! :::

The company will donate $10,000 and sugary-caffeinated, tooth-rotting beverages for the nuptials.
::: feel the love :::

Gray – who is apparently just one-friend shy of the perfect bridal party –  is planning to launch a web site to help her find that missing bridesmaid — or provide a surprise guest for the slot.
And by ‘surprise guest’ we bet she means ‘performer’ — she’s can check off ‘free entertainment’ on her list too.
— yikes —

All I can say about a woman willing to shill her own wedding is … watch OUT when the bitch decides to breed!

June 27, 2008 at 3:35 pm 1 comment

Garbage … it’s what’s for dinner

Garbage Dumpster - It's What's For DinnerOh my god – this is HUGE!
I have found the answer to EVERYTHING — and the best part? It’s all around me and it’s all FREE!!!!!
Woo hoo!!

I can live a virtually cost-free life by putting the F-word into practice.

See, there’s this group of cheap hippie freaks people who call themselves Freegans and they’ve figured out how to live the ‘One man’s trash is another man’s treasure’ principle on a daily basis.
*Freegie-Beegies are people who rummage through the stink, the slime, the stench and salmonella of trash bins everywhere searching for food, household items, paper products, clothes and just about any old nastay-ass discard you can imagine — and they live off their haul.

It’s not Dumpster diving — it’s Waste Reclamation and, with my homeowner’s insurance skyrocketing, food prices through the roof and gas prices almost forcing me to choose between my drinking problem and getting around town — I have decided to leverage a little Freeganism for my freegin’ good!

But am I ready? Do I have what it takes to be truly Freeganiving?
I think I am … I think I do!

Every Thursday, my local Publix takes the stale, slightly moldy bread and all the lingering limp vegetables from their shelves and cycles them out to the galvanized-steel ‘reclamation’ bins behind the store … talk about your five-finger discount!

Cafeteria employees over at Midlands Elementary take each day’s uneaten remains and repurpose them to a set of plastic drums sitting in a lonely, unshaded corner of the parking lot. What I once thought of as maggot magnets I now see as full-on hot lunch buffet!!

I have a neighbor who works about four blocks from my office … a neighbor who doesn’t lock his car at night (well that’s what I HEARD !). If I can get my freeloadin’ ass up a sneaky ten minutes earlier, I can stow away in his trunk and silently slug my way to the office each day.

Oh, I know it won’t be all bitter broccoli and second-hand saliva. Foraging isn’t all fun and games!
And if it doesn’t pan[handle] out, I may be forced to practice some Voluntary Joblessness to offset the impact of my lack of transportation, which I further understand may lead to an unavoidable period of Rent-Free Habitation in one of the abandoned foreclosures in my immediate area … but what is life if not sacrifice?
*And hey, if I get arrested — that’s even MORE free food and accommodations comin’ my way! It’s win-win!!

Who wants to help me prove that the best things in life are free… and, well yeah, fungal??

June 2, 2008 at 7:04 pm 6 comments

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