Posts tagged ‘fitness’

That’s lardcore, yo!


CONGRATULATIONS fellow citizens!

The number of us bringing the megachunk now outweighs the number of us merely bringing the chub.
::: … reach for the stars, America. Reach for the stars!! ::: 

Three quarters of the McNation is haulin’ around an unparalleled amount of sauce-stained McMeatiness.
::: Go big or go home, bitches! :::

Numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics show that more than 34 percent of Americans are classified as grossly obesified fry chompers, compared to 32.7 percent in the heifernated lardbutt category … and let’s not forget the just under 6 percent of superachievers who aren’t about to let a little thing like quadruple bypass stand in the way of becoming the first-class bumper flippers the high school lunch ladies always knew they could be.
::: Because not everyone has what it takes to McBiggiesuperwhopperenormify every meal! :::

And while überblimpiosity is good for Alli, therapists, Lane Bryant and tallow peddlers – can you guess what it’s bad for?

If you’re thinking your heart, your health, your health insurance, your children, your pocketbook, your  relationships, your self-esteem, your tire pressure, the elastic life of your underwear or your instep … well, yeah – ok, I gotta give you those …

… but, apparently, America’s cottage-cheese is really bad for the ARMY!!!

soldierSee, we’re in the ten thousandth year of war in bringing democracy to Iraq and we are plumb running out of POGs and Cherries!!

The Army has been dismissing so many overweight applicants that its top recruiter, in an effort to keep human target troop numbers up, is considering starting a fat farm.
::: The Army is all OVER America’s hush hush super secret love affair with flab!! NOW we’re gonna get somewhere!! ::: 

Major General Thomas Bostick, head of the Army Recruiting Command, wants to see a formal diet and fitness regimen implemented at the Fort Jackson joint tasked with helping aspiring troops earn their GEDs.
::: Schlock and Yawn ::: 

Mr. Ijustgotaclue says obesity is going to be a bigger challenge in the years ahead than the other problems keeping wannabes out of uniform – and that includes psychosociopathic tendencies and bail-jumping lack of a high school diploma, misconduct and health issues other than their ginormous backsides.
::: NO. WAY! Really?!?::: 

He believes only the Army’s special brand of abuse training can help the fatties be all they can be. 

“It took them 18 years to get to where they are at, so it’s very difficult for them to lose the kind of weight that they need to on their own,” Mr. Ilikestatingtheobvious said.

And if the fun of forced 18-mile runs, barbell beatdowns and Code Red *surprises* doesn’t take the weight off – there’s always the Guantanamo Diet!

Eat your heart out Jenny Craig, they’re in the Army now!

I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Not to play with my fat fold!
I don’t know but it’s been said,
My fatass could make me dead!
Sound off!
1-2!
Sound off!
3-4! 

 

 

January 12, 2009 at 4:21 pm 14 comments

It’s true: Nothing is sacred


I came across a nifty little product this morning and I’m all ‘hahaha – I KNEW it!’
Hold on to your control tops ladies — our technology is out!

Apparently some men have done a reality check and are coming to grips with the fact that you can’t really pledge everlasting love and devotion to pizza and beer while waging a simultaneous battle against the bulge.
::: the first step is always admitting you have a problem … :::

Yup – they have embraced their inner fatty tight enough to come up with their very own Spanx-type item.
::: FREALZ!!! :::

Equmen has introduced its ‘Core Precision Undershirt’ which they tout as “High-performance men’s underwear with engineered compression technology energizes the body with essential structure and support.”
::: That’s marketing tekkie talk for sexxay! :::

So, while I may not be a fan of Mantyhose, I will admit that any device that can take a piece of manmeat from this:

to this:

has got my blessing … in triplicate!

Now which one of you hot tater’s out there is gonna model this shit for me?!?

December 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm 9 comments

Can’t anyone retire and mean it anymore?


Reports are leaking out that Lance Armstrong will be coming out of retirement to compete in some nearly dead road races (Tour de Georgia?!?) and then, potentially, pedal his way to an unheard of eighth Tour de France victory.

Oh god no. Please no. Seriously – no.

Lance and his team of managers, handlers, press agents and drug-test-takers probably all sat back and watched with jealous googly eyes as Fishsticks Phelps raked in fat endorsement cash after snagging eight golds at the Beijing Olympics.

I bet those bitches conference called each other after every medal ceremony to whine about how cycling seems so old and busted next to swimming’s new hotness and how only cancer boy can rescue the sport for the benefit of all of humanity (or some stupid shit like that).

But before they get their Nike pitch on, Lance & Co. should take note.

No one (NO ONE) has been standing in line to see Mark Spitz and his wrinkles plop into the pool for a long, long time. Cycling fans aren’t any different. They’re ready for the next big thing. They don’t care who it is as long as it’s the next big thing — not the last big thing.

But I bet ol’ fancy pants Lance doesn’t see things quite that way. He probably sleeps in a different yellow jersey each night, wakes up each morning and spit shines his trophies while drinking coffee from a mug that reads ‘Cycle God’ and journaling the various rates at which his lungs make the O2 to CO2 conversion before speed dialing his publicist every hour on the hour to get the lastest list of celebrities he’s more famous than in each of the world’s major time zones.

His ego is probably just that sad. And it’s too bad because we actually like guys like that — until it’s time to go. But guys like that never know when it’s time to go. They always stay too long at the party and end up looking like the bad blind date you just couldn’t get rid of at the end of the day.

Lance – it’s time to go. Has been since that day in 2005 when you said you were going.
You retired and we foolishly trusted you to mean it.

We want you to mean it. We need you to mean it.
Please — go away already!

Like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson, Ashley Olsen, Tory Burch, your ex-wife, Team Astana, viable sperm counts and good looks — we are sooo over you.
::: If only you could get over yourself … :::

Please – take your testicle and go gently into that good retirement night … for all our sakes!

September 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm 12 comments

There’s no hope for the rest of us


Kate Beckinsale doesn't like her bodyAll hope was lost the moment Kate Beckinsale demanded a body double for her latest film. Apparently, she “loathes” her bottom.

Umm, yeah – that’s Kate in all her horrifically gigantic, lard-assness right there —————>

Disgusting, I know.

A  source on her new film Whiteout said: “Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body.”

Tragically — she isn’t soliciting comments with those remarks. She’s actually seriously effed in the head.

How terrifically sad is it when an Oxford-educated, outrageously gorgeous, successful mother/wife/actress who reportedly suffered anorexia as a teenager is still battling retarded self-image demons?

If you’re the parent of a daughter … hug her today and make sure she knows she is the apple of your eye and perfect just the way she is (well, that  and make sure she stays far, far away from R. Kelly).

June 16, 2008 at 7:22 pm 3 comments

Grammar-Time!


YAY! A fun little quiz for a Tuesday afternoon!

Q: What is wrong with the graphic emblazoned on this free-shirt from a recent heath fair?

Planet Fitness T-shirt

 A: If you can spot it (or them???) — I just might send you this puppy …

 

 

May 27, 2008 at 5:05 pm 10 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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