Posts tagged ‘financial’

There’s a special place in hell …

OK – let me get this straight …

  • The Tribune Company’s in deep doo doo
  • The New York Times, on the verge of going tits up, takes out a second mortgage on their digs to the tune of about $225 million
  • McClatchy’s looking to cut their journalistic crown jewel
  • Businesses and newspapers left and right are riffing their ranks
  • Distressed displaced window company workers are about to enter Day 5 of peacefully protesting Bank of America‘s greedy bullheaded assbackwardness
  • Widespread panic over the New Great Depression tanks US Treasury yields to goose egg range
  • Some cities can’t even afford to recycle anymore
  • Entire school districts are going under
  • The bailout-a-palooza has cost us more than all US wars and government programs combined
  • The US economy has shed 1.9 million jobs this year (that’s 1.9 million people out of work, for you Republicans keeping score)
  • Our audaciously hopified president of change cautions us to be less hopified about our current (and future and future and future) situation …
  • ::: just to nutshell it for ya … :::

    … yet THIS greedy douchebag — who presided over his company’s $11.7  BILLION loss this year — is probably gonna get his manicured hands on the $10 million bonus he’s demanding.

    That about right?

    … cuz it doesn’t seem right …

    December 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm 10 comments

    Eliot Spitzer: Working Stiff

    Today is the dawn of an awesome new day for former New York Governor,  Hall of Fame Whoremonger and all around manslut Eliot Spitzer.

    The Luv Gov is straight up gettin’ paid, y’all!

    No, he didn’t write a tell-all; he isn’t wranglin’ ho’s down at the Bunny Ranch and he’s not designing a line of creatively comfortable bondage briefs … yet.

    Starting today, Spitz will be hard at work pimping his thoughts on government, regulation and finance for a bi-weekly column on
    ::: I wonder who gets to massage that copy!?! :::

    “It’ll be heavily about the financial crisis and fixing financial markets and the economy generally,” confirmed Jacob Weisberg, editor-in-chief of the Slate Group.
    ::: Hey – maybe it’ll be good. I mean, if there’s one thing Spitz knows it’s how to appropriate funds! :::

    The idea for the column – called ‘The Best Policy’ – came after Slate honchos spied a tasty Op-Ed piece Mistah Luvah wrote last month for The Washington Post that stimulated a deep desire for the hot slut in a big ol’ way.

    “We called him about writing for us,” said Weisberg, who admitted the pub and the gub had themselves a quickie right then and there.

    “It was not an epic negotiation. He was very receptive to the idea.”

    And, you know, I just don’t doubt it at all.
    I’ve heard he likes to receive …

    Keep it between the margins, El!

    December 4, 2008 at 2:51 pm 7 comments

    Pirate puss out in 3… 2…

    Just who exactly is running these rinky dink pirate outfits these days?
    Seriously! They don’t seem all that badass to me.

    artnauticacruiseprestigeThey get all ‘gimme gimme’ when it comes to hijacked oil tankers and confiscated container ships full of wheat but put a cruise ship in their sights and they flat-out forget how to get their attack on!
    ::: Aaarrrgghhh!! :::

    This weekend a bunch of sea bandits saw dollar signs when they spotted a passenger vessel off the coast of Yemen. They were headed straight for a good old fashioned hah-jakkin’ when the ginormously huge 30,000-ton luxury cruise ship pulled a not-fast-at-all one, took ‘evasive measures’ and outran their freeboatin’ fannies.
    And by ‘evasive measures’ we mean the captain kicked that bad boy into slightly-faster-than-sitting-still gear and gunned it to a light-breeze inducing 27mph!
    ::: Whooshifica … wait. What?!? :::

    Twenty seven miles per hour …

    somali_piratesAre these buccaneers rowing toward the booty?
    Are they paddling their way to the purloined property?
    Are they using a trolling motor for transport?

    Twenty seven miles per hour …

    The arthritic blind septuagenarian down the street can work his walker faster than that for crying out loud!!!
    ::: It’s true. I’ve chased him a couple of times in my car. Gramps can go! :::

    You know what? This cruise ship deal just doesn’t seem very piratey to me.
    Time was, oceangoing terrorism actually meant something!

    The number of pirate attacks this year has shot up faster than Amy Winehouse in a Camden crackhouse! The International Maritime Bureau cites more than 90 pirate attacks off East Africa alone.

    And when the blundering bucs aren’t being outrun by luxury liners moving at a glacial pace, they do occasionally make it to the hijacking phase (or ‘lightning round’ as it’s called in the biz) where the scores can really change!

    That’s when the swarthy swashbucklers take the stolen ships to Somali waters and wait to find out if anyone gives enough of a shit about the vessel and crew to cough up some cool ransom cashola.

    So far this year, bilge suckers have raked in an estimated $150 million.

    $150 million!!! And still they can’t get a boat capable of outrunning a lumbering sea mass like The Nautica?

    I may be just a silly ol’ landlubber, but I’d say it’s time for a management change at the ol’ Marauders Club.

    December 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm 6 comments

    Everybody Panic!

    Oh my god – the end is near!!

    This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

    ::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

    Seriously though – you should panic.

    The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
    That’s it.
    Lights out.
    Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

    Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

    They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

    Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
    Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
    Free dinner take-out?
    hahahahaha — No.

    Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
    ::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

    Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
    ::: quel horreur!!! :::

    Oh but it’s not all bad.
    The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
    ::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

    Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

    October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

    Automakers predict drop in sales

    Omigod omigod omigod!!!!! The bigwigs at Chrysler are totally gettin’ their psychic freak on!!!
    They are up there in their officey-type enclosures divining information the rest of us can only take wild guesses at!

    “We’re going to report much lower sales versus last year” for the month of June, Chrysler’s Jim Press told reporters.


    How did he know?!?
    June just ended yesterdaySPOOKY!!

    No Money“Industry analysts expected Chrysler and nearly all other major automakers [except Honda] to see big sales drops for June.”

    What is going on here?

    Are they all reading tea leaves?
    Has someone visited the Oracle of Apollo at Delphi?!?
    Did Nostradamus predict such a happening??!!??
    Is this prophesy the product of a cold reading? A hot reading? Or, perhaps, an illooooosion?!?!?
    And can you sense the overt sarcasm by my abundant over-use of question marks AND exclamation points – TOGETHER?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
    What could it beeeeeeeeee?????!!!!!!?????!!!!!

    Oh wait … that’s right.

    Gas costs a gozillion dollars a *&%%$#@! gallon, layoffs are as common as summer teevee reruns, food prices are through the roof (which would be the roof you can no longer afford) … so, like, riiiight man, I get it now.
    Broke ass broke folk (i.e. YOU) aren’t buying cars.

    Umm, like duh and stuff?

    Way to pump a no-shit story, wire services!

    July 1, 2008 at 2:51 pm 4 comments

    Let’s stay focused, people!

    Wait – let me get this straight …

    The national average price for a gallon of regular gasoline is more than $4, which has caused:
    * The po-po to get stupid creative
    * Suburban brats to lose their shit over, well, losing their shit
    * Caffeine-crackies to ditch their morning mocha-docha-nilla-soy-tofu-wheatgrass-no foam-grande-tall-whatthefuckisthisbullshit-latte
    * Town fair operators to yank their weiners
    … and well — you get the idea.
    High gas prices suck, y’all!!

    But it’s not just the price of petrol that’s turned us into a nation of Gloomy Gusses …
    * Milk is nine-thousand-dollar-a-gallon (not really … but ‘get ready’ is all I’m saying …)
    * Your 12-year-old rusted out Chevy beater is worth more than the house you bought a year ago
    * That job you thought you had when you drove to work this morni … oh, sorry — HR on Line 2 …

    No wonder a recent poll revealed 8 out of every 10 Americans think the country is headed in, well, just ALL kids of the wrongest or wrong directions!!
    ::: seriously  – we needed to do an actual poll to know this?!? :::

    Buuuuuttttt — never fear!
    Shallow American Vanity is here!!!


    It’s true – just ask Lauren!

    Lauren couldn’t get an unsecured bank loan to gas up the earth-raping Hummer she bought to show her incredible lack of self-esteem support for the troops back in the ‘boom times’ and the monstrosity has been on Repo Radar for almost two months and the wardrobe she bought her Puggle, Pookie, had to be returned and she found out just yesterday  that her office will be closing permanently this Friday so she won’t be able to make her annual ski-trip to Bamff and she had THE worst tiff with her BFF-4EVAR this morning (OMG – riiiight???) because she just gets sooo bitchy  without her a.m. Starbucks and … well — Lauren is just haulin’ the stressmonster around in every  possible way!!!

    But take heart kiddies –  it will all be ok because Lauren is a modern, American woman. And modern, American  women have super-ninja skills when it comes to foregoing fuel and food and friends and fun as long as they can keep their one, true love:
    Plastic Surgery

    Ayep – In 2007, Americans spent more than $13 billion for nearly 11.7 million cosmetic procedures. That’s up from nearly 8.5 million procedures in 2001.
    “While today’s economy reflects a slow-down in plastic surgery procedures, the specialty will weather the current decline in economic growth just as it has previous declines, such as the stock market correction after the 2001 Internet bubble,” said ASPS President Richard D’Amico, MD.
    ::: anyone else creeped out by a body doc who talks like a hedge-fund manager? :::

    And really, when you get right down to it — isn’t it heartening to know that in these very uncertain and scary economic times, your fellow citizen-ettes are holding tight, tight , TIGHT to the things that really matter …
    Botox, bigger lips, new boobs and lipo

    God Bless Help America

    June 25, 2008 at 3:02 pm 5 comments

    This is the shit you bitches are reading

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