Posts tagged ‘finance’

Aim high


Four Detroit public high schools are embarking on a bold new plan to instill the drive for success in their students by guaranteeing them glitter, Riches and SECURITY in return for hard work and superachievery study habits!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Nooooo.

But they can help you get a job at Wal-Mart.

A new partnership between the daytime youth warehouses and the megagiant retail competition-crusher gives students future Made in China peddlers 10 shiny credits toward graduation, 11 superfun weeks of job-readiness training during the schoolday and *PAYDIRT* an after-school entry-level job at the store.
::: Cha … klink … ūüė¶ :::

The Detroit Free Press talked to the principal of one of the schools who sounded positively giddy at the idea of trading his students’ future for finite financial gain.
“The program will allow students an opportunity to earn money and to be exposed to people from different cultures — since all of the stores are in the suburbs.”

Oh yes.
Because we all know how enlightening, elegant and all-around educational the People of Wal-Mart really are! —>

Not so giddy about the plan was Donna Stern, the Midwest coordinator for the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action, Integration & Immigrant Rights And Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary (BAMN).
“They‚Äôre going to train students to be subservient workers,” she said. “This is not why parents send them to school.”

Now, it’s true that Detroit has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, so helping anyone get a job there is a true mitzvah.
And it’s also true that the school system has been run into the ground harder than ValuJet Flight 592, with frightful financials leading to¬†layoffs and the closing of nearly 30 schools … and there’s about a hundredmilliongozillion percentage points of absolute certainty that there’s more where that came from.

So, you can close schools and you can layoff teachers but those pesky kids are gonna keep on comin’ – which begs the question:¬†What DO you do with them?

Well? What?

Wait …You think I have a plan?!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Nooooo.

It’s Detroit!
They’re all fucked as far as I can see!

All I know is that if I’m one of those students, I’m taking ‘How to be a Wal-Mart Greeter 101′ and gettin’ my sweet ass an easy A!

SOURCE

February 26, 2010 at 11:17 am 4 comments

United States of IOU?


California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie¬† because¬†these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.

!! STICKY SITCH ALERT !!

“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?

SOURCE

November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

Daily DUH!


World Bank President Robert Zoellick has the crucial info!
LISTEN UP!!!!!

Talking to reporters about the √ľberly-astronomical 10.2% U.S. unemployment rate, Mr. Braintrust blah blah’d:

“You’re going to have problems with delinquencies of credit card loans, consumer loans, people won’t be able to pay their mortgages. Some banks are going to continue to be troubled by bad loans.”

YA THINK?!?!?

Crickety cripes!
If all ya gotta do to head up the international agency tasked with floating finance to the fiscally famished is orate the ohmygodthatissofucking obvious to anyone within earshot — well you can color me qualified and sign my ass 20 kinds of UP for that shit!

Frealz!
That bitch banks more than $400,000 a year for spouting the self-explanatory?!

I want IN on that action!!!

I would love to get paid copious piles of cash to travel the world pointing out the patently perceptible, stating the ever-so simple and offering absolutely nothing in the way of intrinsic information!

I mean, it’s certainly gotta beat giving it away free like I currently do!

Now where’s that job app?!?

SOURCE

November 12, 2009 at 9:32 am 1 comment

Prepare to panic in 3 … 2 …


Don’t step out of lentil line at the shelter just yet, you bums!
There’s a brand spankin’ NEW crisis on the horizon!
::: Woo h .. oh wait. Not good … :::

NYU economist and all-around financial fiasco forecaster Nouriel Roubini
<————-
has just issued a code-red high-alert that the Federal Reserve and other money managers are fueling a massive new asset “bubble” that will someday go KAPLOW BIOTCH and steal your savings, render you blind and take away all your TP after giving you the 100-day poops.
::: poop! :::

The Roubinator says the Fed is holding short-term interest rates near zero *NO!* and investors and speculators are borrowing big bucks on the cheap *ACK!* and using them to pick up all kinds of Wall-Streety type shit like stocks, bonds, gold, oil, minerals and foreign currencies – which sounds all *GREAT!* because that means prices go up and mega money can be made which is a big ol’ slice of *SWEET!*, right?

Ya, not so much.

‘Cuz *SHOCK* it can’t last.

Eventually the Fed’ll have to raise rates, peeps’ll be panic-selling their stashes all over the gat damn place and the next big cash crash’ll come down harder than Amy Winehouse after another Blaaaaaaaaaake breakup!
::: FFFFFWOP! :::

“The Fed and other policymakers seem unaware of the monster bubble they are creating,” the economical extrasensory insists. “The longer they remain blind, the harder the markets will fall.”

RUH-ROHS!
Time to flex your beggin’ hands, hobos!

SOURCE

November 11, 2009 at 10:37 am 1 comment

No pay no stay


It’s just all-out hostility against the hobos and the poors these days!

Even after getting serious stimulus money, states are still cutting jobs, bull-dozing benefits and — as of this month — one city¬†(NYC) will begin charging rent to working families staying in public homeless shelters.
::: What’s next?!? Tipping the breadline soup scooper??? :::

This latest societal bitchslap to the bereft is made possible by a 1997 state law allowing shelter managers to force flat-broke fams to fork over a portion of their income, depending on the shelter and family size.

For some of the strapped, this could mean handing over up to half their earnings.

PHILANTHROPY
FAIL!!!
(for serious!!!!)

How is a family supposed to save enough to get out of the shelter when they’re coughing up more than 50% of their take-home cash to the shelter?

Huh?
HUH, MR. GUY IN CHARGE?!?
::: rhetorical question, Bub — no one believes you care … :::

‚ÄúI think it‚Äôs hard to argue that families that can contribute to their shelter cost shouldn‚Äôt,‚ÄĚ commented one callous commish. ‚ÄúI don‚Äôt see this playing out in an adverse way.‚ÄĚ

Really?
You sure about that??

Because I’m thinking that a state that¬†eagerly earmarks

  • $2,500 for the Doll and Toy Museum of New York City
  • $2,500 for the Brooklyn Cricket League
  • $6,000 for the Harlem Honeys and Bears senior citizen swim team
  • $6,500 for the Utica Curling Club
  • $10,500 for the American Association for the Improvement of Boxing
    and
  • $15,000¬†for the Urban Yoga Foundation
    Рwould probably enjoy some pretty sweet PR if it found a way to pinch off a few pennies for the penniless, right?
  • Right?!?

    ¬†I hope so, ‘cuz you gotta know it would take a ginormous truckload of NOTHIN’ for me¬†to¬†instigate an uprising of the impovrished when I visit New York in two weeks!

    SOURCE
    SOURCE

    May 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm 6 comments

    Happy Tax Day, Bitches!


    Hope you didn’t use these guys!

    swindle-tax-service

    April 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm 2 comments

    Our life’s work – for nothing?


    Lest you think you’re the only ones leveraging your kids’ futures to pay this month’s electric bill – BEHOLD!
    The Great Depression 2.0 ‚ĄĘ ¬†– CHINA EDITION!

    r05_18143461

    Those are the sad, sorry faces of thousands of job-seekers at one job fair in Hefei, Anhui province, China earlier this month.

    That’s right, breadliners!
    China’s¬†economy’s in the shitter, too¬†— JUST LIKE OURS!
    *and all of Europe and the rest of Asia and Africa and, well, you get the point *

    Know what else?
    They’re doin’ stimulus, too¬†— JUST LIKE US!!¬†

    Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said this week that his the government should waste no time in rolling out stimulus measures.
    ::: copycats :::

    But do you know¬†what they’re doing that’s¬†not just like us?
    Importing – shopping – bustin’ the bank.
    ::: ACK – actual conservatism – ick yuk pTOOEY!! :::

    Shanghai-based research firm Data Driven Marketing Asia (DDMA) surveyed 602 ‘consumers’ in five Chinese cities and found that 12% of those surveyed had already lost their jobs and¬†45% were reducing¬†personal spending¬†because of their concerns about the economy.
    ::: … so much for America’s 4th largest export market! :::

    ¬†The idea that Chinese can pick up the slack now that American shopaholics have gone on the wagon is “rubbish when you look at it,” DDMA director Sam Mulligan says.

    But wait — don’t they, like,¬†have to?
    China’s been our biggest supporter enabler!

    They bought up hundreds of billions of dollars worth of our debt, which helped drive down our interest rates and THAT helped to grotesquely inflate the U.S. housing bubble that went KABLOWIE more than two years ago.
    ::: See? So obviously TOTALLY their fault! :::

    Economists have long pondered whether the current global shitstorm was caused by what Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has called “a global savings glut” in China [and other East Asian countries] and oil-producing nations of the Middle East pushing money into the USA – OR by¬†America’s excessive SUVMcMansionMachiato moneygrubbery over the last 10 or so years.

    Well, fuck that quandary!
    I mean, why waste time ‘pondering’ when it’s soooo easy just to point the finger!!

    Let’s just [continue to] blame¬†someone else¬†for our fucked up mess, impose some wicked sanctions, get Gotti on their asses and be done with it already!

     What’s more American than that, right?

    “We can’t get them to replicate Americans,” said Paul French, the British marketing director of research firm Access Asia.
    ::: oh :::

    ¬†“Americans are just so good at consumerism, like obesity and greenhouse gas emissions. Although the rest of us try, it is very hard to compete.”

    HAHAHA – That’s right, bitches!
    WE’RE¬†NUMBER ONE!! WE’RE¬†NUMBER ONE!!! WE’RE NUMBE … Wait. What?
     

    You mean worshipping¬†at the alter of¬†gluttony, greed and gross consumerism¬†isn’t something everyone wants to do?

    But we worked so hard at it!

    MAIN PHOTO: REUTERS/Jianan Yu

    March 19, 2009 at 5:41 pm 2 comments

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