Posts tagged ‘female’

Would you hit it?


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‘Cuz someone did … someone paid for these bitches … more than once …

But, you know, I get it.

I do!
As I sit here feasting my eyes upon these two glorious rays of perky, sunshiny femininity I’m overcome with verklemptitudination because Itchy and Scratchy personify the drive, the guts, the sticktoitiveness of American entrepreneurship that keeps this great country of ours moving toward a bright new day of perfection and bliss and unadulterated glee that will enab … uhh … umm … what was I sayi …

Oy gevalt, I’m paying homage to hookers?!?!? 
… fuckin’ meds …

December 20, 2008 at 3:23 pm 8 comments

So, there was this fashion show …


… that I look forward to ALL YEAR LONG, and it was just down the road in Miami and I was all ‘YAY fashion!’ because I can’t resist skimpy lingerie and I need to be surrounded by pretty shiny sparkly twinliness at all times to counteract the effects of years and years of dru … err … ibuPROfen use.

And didn’t it just suck for ME when the ‘show’ turned out to be a bigger let-down than the last Indiana Jones movie.

Seriously – where was the new?
Where was the next ‘must have’??
Where in the GD hell was the cutting edge push-up technology I crave?!?!

I saw none of it!
::: sad face go cry :::

Oh sure, this year’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show was packed with the usual big-boobed, leggy lollipops acting all modely while wearing barely-there attire — but it just didn’t have any punch.
It was just more of the same ol’ same ol’ big-boobed, leggy lollipops acting all modely while wearing barely-there attire …

… and now I’m all madface because it seems that my temple, my nirvana — my goddamned HAPPY PLACE is becoming just another lameass *gulp*  chain-type *ack* store.
::: Blech … hcckah … phlictttTOOOEY! :::

OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!

But, hey, you know – judge for yourselves .. or whatever. The entire sad mess will be broadcast December 3 on CBS — just in time to RUIN the holidays, bowl games, playoffs, New Year’s and, well, just everything alright!
::: Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I may not recover! I mean – my god – what’s next? No Santa??? :::

I may as well pull down the shades, put on some JC Penney’s granny panties, crawl back under the covers and call it a day.

Thanks for nothing bitches!
Oh, and …. by the way? I already have this … in blue.

8thumb

November 17, 2008 at 3:15 pm 2 comments

It’s good to be Eliot Spitzer


Former New York Governor and Hall of Fame Whoremonger Eliot Spitzer will not face criminal charges for gettin’ his freak on with Ashley Depraved and some other high-priced hookers, federal prosecutors announced this week.
::: Everybody to the champagne room – STAT! ::: 

Michael J. Garcia, the United States attorney in Manhattan, confirmed that, although his office had found that “on multiple occasions, Mr. Spitzer arranged for women to travel from one state to another state to engage in prostitution” they couldn’t prove it was taxpayer money or campaign cash payin’ for that poontang.
::: See, it’s not that prostitution is illegal, per se — it’s the way you PAY for it that’s the crimey part. Good to know!! ::: 

“We have determined that there is insufficient evidence to bring charges against Mr. Spitzer. In light of the policy of the Department of Justice with respect to prostitution offenses and the longstanding practice of this office, as well as Mr. Spitzer’s acceptance of responsibility for his conduct, we have concluded that the public interest would not be further advanced by filing criminal charges in this matter.”
::: So does that mean all Johns who get bizzay on their own bucks get to go free too — as long as they get all boo hoo and are really, really sorry?  :::

Moments after Little Spitz was released from legal lockdown, Big Spitz thanked officials for their “impartiality and thoroughness” and reminded us all that he’s still really, really sorry for his horndoggery.

“I resigned my position as governor because I recognized that conduct was unworthy of an elected official. I once again apologize for my actions and for the pain and disappointment those actions caused my family and the many people who supported me during my career in public life.”

Anyone wanna do an over/under on when the sex tape comes out?

November 7, 2008 at 3:16 pm 2 comments

Hair apparent …


Rihanna may want to rethink that ‘do because, according to Showbiz Spy, she was mistaken for Prince on a recent trip to London.
::: she’s a man, baby! :::

“Some fans screamed out, ‘Prince!’ when they saw her, SBS reports. “But when they got close enough to ask for an autograph, they realized he was a she.”

AWKWARD!

October 3, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Sex me, Genie!


I may fight like a girl but, according to the Bookblog’s Gender Genie, I write like one butch bitch, y’all!

Instead of rubbing a magic lamp, this genie uses a sort of dumbed-down version of some boring, long-ass algorithm (developed by Moshe Koppel, Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and Shlomo Argamon, Illinois Institute of Technology, blah blah blah) to predict the gender of an author of a blog entry or works of fiction or nonfiction.
::: Scientifical!! :::

The caveat is that the Genie’s ‘best guesses’ come from text submissions of 500 words or more.
::: that must be whenthe X and Y chromosomes come out to play :::

The genie thought Jason Beghe Deathwatch was written by some kind of tranny or something. At 427 words, it was almost too close to call:

Female Score: 533

Male Score: 520

=

BITCH!

But Ciao Homeless People! – at a gender-bending 508 words – skewed male!

Female Score: 620

Male Score: 737

=

BUTCH!

The genie sees gyna whenever I talk about my boyrfriend but thinks I’m bringin’ the peen about half the time I dish on Big Mac‘s Maverick Beefiness. What’s the dilly, yo?!?

Am I living writing a lie? Am I trapped halfway inside the virtual closet? Why is ‘with’ feminine while ‘what’ is masculine? And where does the genie stand on blogrish terms like peen, blabby or muddaskunt?

Inquring minds wanna know!

… and just in case you were wondering:
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

::: I gotta go spit and adjust myself in public now :::

August 28, 2008 at 2:16 pm 3 comments

SLUT!


A weedy sea dragon at the Georgia Aquarium has something to celebrate this Father’s Day – he’s pregnant!

pregnant weedy sea dragon atlanta aquariumYes … HE.

But getting these dudes knocked-up must be harder than it sounds. The pregnancy is only the third time ever something like this has happened at a U.S. aquarium. (Unless the other guys, umm, you know — took care of it.)

What else makes it such a big deal? The dads carry the eggs in this family.
::: Quick guess says Teleflora puts them in the non-mom category :::

Congrats himbo!

June 13, 2008 at 12:14 am 2 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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