Posts tagged ‘family’

The Name Game


There are people in this world who shouldn’t even be allowed to breed — let alone name their offspring.

Case Study:
<— Asshat Simpson and her freakish emo baby daddy, Pete Wentzhispants

These two goddamned twits named their sad, unfortunate spawn …  Bronx.

And it gets worse.

The brat’s full brand is Bronx Mowgli Wentz

wentzBronx.
Mowgli.
Wentz.

NO WAY  you can say it without sounding like Elmer Fudd!

Aside from having waaaayyyyyy too many of ALL of the weird vowels and consonants – they named their kid after the poorest Congressional district in the entire fucking country … and a fictional character who’s name may or may not mean ‘frog’.

Jesusmaryandjoseph! Just nickname the little bastard ‘target of unbridled youth aggression’ already because that’s exactly what he’s gonna be.

SOURCE

November 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm 6 comments

Sarah Palin is Vice-President of loungechairs!


large-msg-122671383782large-msg-122669372725Disappointed she couldn’t see Cuba from her Miami hotel balcony, the Alaskan Hotness took time out from her hectic schedule of birthin’ babies, buying couture, being all mavericky and showing up basically everyone else who attended last week’s Republican Governor’s Association meeting to get her tan on … oh, and plot the Palin World Domination 2012 tour.

Don’t be fooled by the lack of hair product! Her Supreme Snowyness is totally clocked-in, solutionizing all the complicatedly complex problematic stuff facing the fine folks of the great energy producing state of Alaska.
::: big red dog, Big Red Dog — keep an eye on that BIG RED DOG!!! :::

I bet there’s all kinds of hush-hush, top-secrety type stuff in what appears to be a $1,500 Balenciaga ‘Weekender’ handbag oh so casually thrown to the end of the chaise.

spchampMmm hmmmm … yuppers. Totally  worki .. uh … wha … is that … champagne??

… ACK! … feel dizzy … mouth dry … light heade … uhh what’s happeni …

Oooooooooo I think I need a gravity check. I am suddenly feeling all … tingly for this woman!

I mean, except for the whole no-coherent-thought-wannabe-world-leader-darn-tootin’-hockey-mom-pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain-I-may-look-purty-but-am-really-really-REALLY-stupid thingamabobanstuff – we are soooo much alike!

She understands the benefits of ditching work to lay out.
::: sooooo important! :::
She sees value in ridiculously overpriced accessories billed to Mr. Notmybankaccount.
::: CRUCIAL! :::
And she has a firm grasp on what is the absolute quickest way to my pinko commie liberal bleeding heart … BOOZE!!!
::: we are one :::

*sniff — I totally  her right now!

SOURCE

November 18, 2008 at 5:02 pm 1 comment

One large rumor, a stalkery snap on the side and hold the Big Mac


Cindy McCain is a whorebag!
Cindy McCain is a whorebag!
Cindy McCain is a whorebag!

Just in time to have absolutely ZERO impact on the presidential race, the scribes who sponsored John Edwards’ ‘Baby Mama Drama Career Suicide Tour ’08’ have taken a time out from poopy diaper DNA testing to drop this new bomb.

“Sources” tell the National Enquirer they have spied Cindy Lou Who lockin’ lips and gettin’ all huggey with a man who isn’t gonna be doodling “maverick” on the back of his Senate seat next year.
::: and by ‘sources’ we mean Scapegoat Palin. HAHAHAHA, just kidding!!!
… sort of … :::

Mrs. Mac is apparently a big ol’ cheatin’ whorey cheater who has been engaged in all kinds of cheateration going back perhaps as far as Mr. Mac’s first failed presidential bid.
::: Does NOBODY listen to Tammy Wynette anymore?!? :::

Not one to just make shit up (except when they do), the Enquirer is fueling their ‘She’s a flaxen-haired floozy’ rumor train with concrete evidential-type stuff and HARD proofification.
Yesssssss — they have a picture.

<— SEE!!! PROOF!!!!!

A grainy-almost-to-the-point-of-pixellation picture taken at an Arizona music festival two and a half years ago showing a blonde woman (so you know it’s her) with a blonde ponytail (it is sooo her)  locked in a virtually pornographic embrace (total slut) with a man who’s name we don’t know!

My god — it’s just so clear!

Well, uhh – ok, not the photo, or, umm, well the logic, per se  but, uhh, well something is clear!
Yes!
Of that much, we can be sure … or something …

November 13, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Waiting to Express Mail


We are mothers and fathers. And sons and daughters. Who every day go about our lives with duty, honor and pride. And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Ever.”

Until now.

The United States Postal Service is considering cutting as many as 40,000 jobs nationwide — the first layoff in USPS history.

You know what this means, yes?

It means none of us are safe.
It means it’s really, truly time for Defcon 5-style panic!
It means it’s gonna be like standing in the gozillionth layer of hell just to mail off grammy’s holiday honey ham!!!

I’m serious!! They better have the S.W.A.T. guys in full tactical gear ready on standby at post offices from Pom Bitch to Boca – because this, my friends, will get ugly!

Trust me – Q-Tips bakin’ in the noonday sun does not a pleasant postal experience make! Sylvia, Mortie and the rest of the Century Villagers are MEAN little people when they don’t get service – chop CHOP!! 

“Didjah see thaaat, Mowah-tee? Sheez goht tooh mehnee pehakajez! Gawd – theh nuhrv! Why Ai Neh-vah!”

help.
me.

November 11, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Hope it wasn’t the bakky!


Let’s all lift poor little two-year-old family-planning victim Jayden James Spears Federline high UP in prayer today, y’all!

Cheetohead’s first child was admitted to the Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center yesterday after having “a reaction to something he ingested”.

Any guesses what it could possibly have been???

PHOTO

November 10, 2008 at 9:20 pm

Party Girl


Did you know that a new poll shows 64% of Republicans say the Alaskan Hotness is their first choice to run for president in 2012?
::: IT DOES! THEY DO! :::
*** And, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that 100% of Democrats, Independents, Moon-Worshippers, Pixie-Dust Inhalers and other World Dwellers concur!  ***

Reading the poll results (nearly choking on my coffee) my first thought was President … of the PTA? … of the Adopt A Polar Bear Cub Club?!? … of the Hottie GILFs (population YOU, girl!)?!?!?

But NOOOO! They’re, like, of America and stuff!! And I’m all ‘HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh GOP, how you amuse me with your wacky party jokes!!’ … until it dawns on me that they’re frealz on this one and then I’m all ‘WHOA! They are serious as a Dick Cheney heart attack!’

FAAAAANNNN-TASTIC!!!!

palinwinkFor the record: I’m on board – GO FOR IT, GIRLEEN!!

Run baby, run!
Run like you’ve never run before.
Run until your little Alaskan muklucks fall off.
Run to towns big and small all across this great land of ours and religionate the peoples; ethify the base and spread your rogue maverickness to the masses!!!!

I’ll even donate because what surer guarantee can I have of my boyfriend locking in a second term by Christmas than the promise of an “I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can’t” Cam-PALIN-Palooza!

OOOHH YAH!
YOUBETCHA!!

November 10, 2008 at 2:43 pm 2 comments

It’s good to be Eliot Spitzer


Former New York Governor and Hall of Fame Whoremonger Eliot Spitzer will not face criminal charges for gettin’ his freak on with Ashley Depraved and some other high-priced hookers, federal prosecutors announced this week.
::: Everybody to the champagne room – STAT! ::: 

Michael J. Garcia, the United States attorney in Manhattan, confirmed that, although his office had found that “on multiple occasions, Mr. Spitzer arranged for women to travel from one state to another state to engage in prostitution” they couldn’t prove it was taxpayer money or campaign cash payin’ for that poontang.
::: See, it’s not that prostitution is illegal, per se — it’s the way you PAY for it that’s the crimey part. Good to know!! ::: 

“We have determined that there is insufficient evidence to bring charges against Mr. Spitzer. In light of the policy of the Department of Justice with respect to prostitution offenses and the longstanding practice of this office, as well as Mr. Spitzer’s acceptance of responsibility for his conduct, we have concluded that the public interest would not be further advanced by filing criminal charges in this matter.”
::: So does that mean all Johns who get bizzay on their own bucks get to go free too — as long as they get all boo hoo and are really, really sorry?  :::

Moments after Little Spitz was released from legal lockdown, Big Spitz thanked officials for their “impartiality and thoroughness” and reminded us all that he’s still really, really sorry for his horndoggery.

“I resigned my position as governor because I recognized that conduct was unworthy of an elected official. I once again apologize for my actions and for the pain and disappointment those actions caused my family and the many people who supported me during my career in public life.”

Anyone wanna do an over/under on when the sex tape comes out?

November 7, 2008 at 3:16 pm 2 comments

Older Posts Newer Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: